Stop Hating On Minecraft

In 2009, an obscure PC game called Minecraft was released to unanimously negative reception. It sold a miniscule amount of copies and its creator, Notch Notchson, was never heard from again.

In 2014, reports began to emerge of strange deaths linked to an obscure PC game called "Minecraft". Kids were found lying dead in front of their computers, with the title screen to this "Minecraft" displayed on their monitors.

When police arrived at the scene of the latest death, they found Fraps running. Perhaps, they thought, they could use the recording to determine the cause of these deaths. When they watched the recording, they saw the player of "Minecraft" log on to a server for the game's multiplayer component and jump around aimlessly while the screen flickered wildly.

While this happened, the voice of the player clipped the speakers. The following is a transcript of the recording.

The Transcript

(RECORDING STARTS)

I - uh.

Wow.

WOW.

WOOOW!

SO MANY HATERS!!!

ON MINECRAFT!!!

THERE ARE SO MANY MINECRAFT HATERS!!!

I HATE THEM ALLLLLLLL!!!

NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO ON MINECRAFT REALMS!

I WANT TO GO ON FUCKING MINEPLEX!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M DONE NOT SWEARING! I CAN'T CONTAIN THIS ANYMORE!!!

I CAN'T CONTAIN MY HATRED!!!

YOU GUYS ARE HATING ON ONE OF THE WORST, NO FIRST, ONE OF THE FIRST GAMES, ONE OF THE BEST GAMES EVER MADE OF ALL TIME, AND YOU GUYS ARE HATING ON IT!

IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME EVER MADE!

IT WAS THE MOST FIRST GAME IN THE WORLD! IT WAS THE MOST 3D GAME IN THE WOOOOORLD! IT'S THE BEST GAME IN THE WORLD!!! WITH THE BEST FANBAAASE!!!

(heavy breathing)

STOP!

[At this point in the recording, the pause menu appears and is immediately closed.]

Okay, I'm back from answering a FUCKING phone call, and I just hate you all haters, who think Minecraft's a BAD FUCKING GAME!!! IT'S NOT A BAD FUCKING GAME!!! I HATE ALL YOU HATERS! WHY WOULD YOU HATE ON A GAME LIKE THIS?! PEOPLE WORKED SO HARD! NOTCH WORKED SO FUCKING HARD ON THIS ONE GAME! HE PUT HIS WHOLE LIFE INTO IT, AND YOU GUYS ARE JUST LIKE "Minecraft is gay! Minecraft is gay! MINECRAFT IS GAAAY!"

AAAHHH!!!

FUCK YOU [African-Americans]! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU FUCKING [African-Americans] FUCKING HATE ON THIS GAAAME?! AND IN FACT THERE'S SO MANY THINGS THAT ARE GOOD WITH GAMING, like a first-person fucking PERSPECTIVE!!! OR MODS!!! OR GUNS!!! GET A MOD!!! YOU GUYS SAY THAT MINECRAFT GETS BORING!!! IT NEVER GETS FUCKING BORING!!! IT NEVER GETS FUCKING BORING!!! JUST LOOK IT UP!!!

FIND SOME FUCKING MODS!!! THERE'S FUCKING...GUNS MOD! YOU CAN GET GUNS MOD! AND PRETEND LIKE IT'S FUCKING CALL OF DUTY!!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DO THAT?!!! OR GET A FUCKING MARIO MOD, AND PRETEND LIKE FUCKING MARIO, LIKE YOU'RE PLAYING FUCKING MARIO LIKE ALL YOU FUCKING HATERS PLAAAY!!!

(heavy breathing)

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'VE GOT... I DON'T CARE!!! I don't care...

(heavy breathing)

Please.

Just give Minecraft a chance.

I was searching up Minecraft videos, and I found this guy called "I Hate Everything".

And he did... I hate MINECRAFT!!! AND I WATCHED IT, AND HE SAID THAT MINECRAFT ISN'T EVEN A GAME!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!!

IT'S A FUCKING GAME!!! FUCK YOU I HATE EVERYTHING!!! I'M PUTTING YOU IN A VIDEO SIR! AND I HOPE YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT! BECAUSE, THIS IS MY HELL!!! ALL YOU [African-Americans] ARE SAYING I'M FUCKING AUTISTIC! BUT I'M NOT FUCKING AUTISTIC! OH, WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING MAKE FUN OF ME LIKE THAT?! FUCK YOU!!!

AAAHHH!!!

That's why I hate all you fucking [African-Americans] who fucking hate on fucking Minecraft you fucking [African-Americans] shut the fuck up! No-one wants to fucking care about your fucking Mine - your Marios, your Smash Brothers, nobody fucking cares! SHUT THE FUCK U-

(RECORDING ABRUPTLY ENDS)

The Aftermath

This is fake news. Now Don't worry. Don't be sad.

Of the 8 police officers present at the scene, 4 went deaf within 3 seconds of the video starting, 1 died of internal bleeding, and the other 3 went incurably insane and had to be taken to an asylum. Of course, the Internet being the Internet, this recording was promptly leaked and posted onto YouTube under the name "stop hating on minecraft", and it can be watched here at your own risk:

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