Super Larry Boy: Jezebel's Cursed Spray Tan.
It was a dark and stormy time in the Children's Ministry this morning. I was exhausted from keeping the little serpent's entertained with their demand to feed off my soul and dignity. I knew, however, that despite all that I was waiting for a craigslist order that I made last week. For those who don't know about Larry Boy need to go edumacate themselves and seek out the inspiring cucumber that fights crime! He is my childhood hero just like everyone else and still waiting for that epic crossover movie Superman Vs. Larry Boy. I even heard Bible Man was gonna make a guest appearance as well! So Hyped!!!!
Oh btw before I forget my name is Greg. I'm a 22 year old with a passion for Larry Boy if you haven't figured it out by now.
Anyway that's not what this story is about. This is about a game that I ordered from Craigslist that contained not just some Larry Boy merchandise, but a rare copy of an unreleased Larry Boy game! You're probably wondering why this is about said game. Well to summarize this as best as I can it was probably not the wisest idea. The user that I ordered it from had such a weird taste in how they represented themselves. The order was tied in to a third party website that Craigslist was partnered with. It was called priceless antiques but the web domain said
www.christianwhitegirlthings.dietcoke.fart/com
I thought this was a little odd but it was alright. The photos were at least legit and the guy had a video displaying the items himself so I was sold.
Later that day after I served in the children's ministry. I was back home relaxing and digging into some Chick Fil A (Two days old btw) when I heard my doorbell ring. I figured it was that stupid dumb Jehovah's Witness that keeps trying to invade my secret stache of limited edition sparkly Chick Fil A sauce. I went to open the door and sure enough it was.
"Hey ma-"
*SLAM!!!!!*
Stupid heretic. Anyway I went back to eating when I heard another ring from my doorbell. I storm back to the door only to find on my doorstep a box with my name on it. I went to inspect the box to find that it was my order I placed last week. It's kind of odd if you think about it since it's Sunday. I just figured it was a strange miracle of God and he decided to drop my box off.
Take that Atheist Mailman that tells me God is dead every time he delivers my mail! I go to open the box and everything that was advertised is there! However the one item that threw me off was the game that came with the other stuff. It was a blank CD with the words Spray Tan written on them. I was taken aback. How come this wasn't quite what I was looking for?
I decided to give the CD a look and popped it on my computer. When the disc loaded it brought me up to a Larry Boy game installer. What threw me off was the coloring of said Launcher. Instead of the normal purple and yellow and green it had Blue. For some reason the song I'm Blue by Eiffel 65 was playing while I was waiting for the game to download. I figured it was just an accident and let the game load. When it finally loaded it played the catchy Larry Boy theme song that played from the Larry Boy movie, Larry Boy and the Bad Apple. What was odd about the title screen now is that it displayed
Super Larry Boy: Jezebel's Cursed Spray Tan.
Why was this the title of the screen? Why would vegetables get spray tans? Can they get spray tans? Questions for later.
(I'm also still waiting for the epic crossover between the Larry Boy band and Megadeth to cover such awesome testosterone producing Godliness that is Rock on Larryboy.)
Anyway once I hit start the song went down an octave for some reason. Thinking that it was BIE's way of coming off as dark and edgy I started the game. It began displaying the intro cutscene with the usual Larry Boy scenes from the episodes, but what I couldn't help but notice was something that was way too out of place. Something even the least dedicated of Larry Boy fans can even agree with me on was Alfred's tie. In the split second he was shown his tie was a polka dot pink and green.
"This isn't a real Larry Boy game! Alfred's tie does not look like that!" I screamed with the passion of a thousand essential oil Karens. I knew then and there this was a hacked version of the game. However, being curious as to how this would turn out, I played on anyway.
The first level began at least normally enough it started in the alleyway of bumblyburg, but everything seemed a bit pale. I guided Larry Boy through the level, surprised to find no enemies lurking about. So odd that this game didn't have any bad carb booty to kick into the sunset, but I progressed onward.
Reaching to the end of the level I rounded the corner and a terrifying sight unveiled before my eyes. Two tomatoes gazing at the sunset premarital hand holding!
I nearly crapped myself at the sight and contemplated on whether I wanted to gouge out my eyes, but the story demands more plot. So I approached the two as they turned around to face me. The screen went to black suddenly and a text appeared on my screen with the words.
"Be afraid."- Phil Vischer I guess
As if I hadn't wanted to crap myself already I bolted to the toilet and started producing explosive dumps so fast and furious that it yeeted me to the moon. It was a nice trip into space but I had to fall back down to earth and continue playing. The screen stays black for as long as a thousand generations, and your family, and your children, and your children.
The screen came back on and I was now in a field of flowers. It wasn't just flowers though. There were also weeds in reference to one of Larry Boy's known villains. That plant lady I can't remember the name of.
Anyway I started moving forward. For some odd reason I got an ad on my computer to the bottom right that was trying to sell me Kenneth Copeland's 'Holy bald hair curing sweat'. I just closed it thinking nothing much of it. That guy has major conohomongusoloda issues.
Larry Boy kept moving on through the field of flowers until he reached what looked to be a clearing in the form of a huge circle. What was odd about the clearing was the fact Junior was there but was being hung upside down by a rope that seemed to descend from the sky above. What was it hanging on to? No clue, but I was curious as to why he was here.
He seemed to be in an odd state of panic. He called out to me, "Larry Boy! Hurry! Before he gets me!" I probably should have done something about that in the heat of the moment but I was too busy pondering why he was there in the first place to realize someone was coming up from behind me. "You thought Temptation was the only one in on this plan?" Larry Boy turns around to find none other than...
BOB THE TOMATO ????????
What? Why is he here? What does he have to do with Temptation? Does he have a thing for apples now? I mean I don't blame him, apples are pretty freaking delicious. Wait what did I mean by that? Oh well like I was saying it was Bob behind Larry Boy who began ranting to him. "You thought I'd just sit back and let you get all the glory for the things you did? I tried every method I could think of to get rid of you and yet every single time you prevailed against each and every one of my minions. This time, however, will be your last. I will take you down this ti- Huh?????"
Bob had a sudden look of confusion on his face when he looked behind Larry Boy. He turned around and the screen showed that Junior had escaped rope! He was joined by none other than Sylvester Stalone. I was so confused but immensely hyped! Sylvester Stalone in a VeggieTales game? NOW THIS IS THE TESTOSTERONE BOOST I WAS LOOKING FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bob was unamused by this and pulled out the necronomicon. Speaking heresies into the air in a language which I assumed to be russian. He finishes the spell and summons his ultimate minion! It was.... The Jehovah Witness guy?
WHAT THE FRICKITIY FRACK SNICK SNACK BRICKIN BRACK DRINKIN DRACK PLINKIN PLACK SACKITY BAP IS HE DOING IN MY GAME?????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I thought. Absolutely not! I started using Larry Boy and Sylvester's abilities combined, but only to find out that they were both pushovers. Just went down with one hit of the suction cup ears. They cried and sat there for 50000000000 Nanoseconds until they were eventually dealt with by Larry Boy. Bob did drop an item on the way to the jail cell in Bumblyburg in a cutscene that Larry Boy had noticed. It was a spray tan can? Like this game couldn't get any weirder? Right?
Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Was I wrong about that!
When Larry picked up the spray tan can the sky grew dark and ominous and the sky ominously spewed out clouds while the clouds ominously started storming while the storm ominously started thundering and lightning while the thunder and lightning ominously lit up the screen to reveal a wicked looking broccoli woman.
"JEZEBEL!" Larry Boy shouted. "I should have known it was you! Turning my friend Bob against me? You'll pay for that!" The wicked woman descends on to the city of Bumblyburg. They then engaged in an epic fight that would 1000000000000000000000000000000000% without a doubt be in the top 10 anime battles for sure!
After some time Larry Boy eventually became exhausted as he laid on the ground.
Jezebel looked down upon him and taunted him.
"Look at you, silly little cucumber."
"Take a look at you now back to me, I am a broccoli, the queen of vegetables. Take another look at you now and back to me. I am now a unicorn. Take another look at you now and back to me. I'm in prison! Wait.... What?"
While Jezebel was taunting Larry Boy had sealed her in a jail-like cage while she was distracted. The villain now turned unicorn was now dealt with and all was well with Bumblyburg! The end credits played and my computer suddenly crashed out of nowhere. When I turned it back on the CD was wiped and had no memory or trace of the game.
What a bummer that game was. I can't believe I wasted my weekend playing some stupid hacked ripoff of my favorite Larry Boy game!
The worst part about this whole thing?
I ACTUALLY BOTHERED TO WRITE THIS WITH MY STAMP OF APPROVAL????????????????????????
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLSOSLSOSLSOSLSOSLSOLOLSOSLSOSLSOSLSOSLSOSLSOOLAOAOALAOALOAOALALALLLLLLOLOOO,PLPOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
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