Super Mario 64: The Not-So Normal Version
Hello, everyone! My name is not important. What is important, though, is to never trust those giveaway contests. On superduperultramegaawesomebidding.com, I found an announcement that someone was giving away a Super Mario 64 cartridge for $15.00. Ah, I remember that magical game, it pretty much summed up my entire childhood. I remember being plopped down on the floor playing that game for so long. It was played so much, the cartridge literally melted! So, now do you see why I wanted it?
It's not one of those online bidding sites; it tells you where the bidding is being held. Since only one person arrived, I thought it would be a snap. That was what I thought, until I realized he was rich. He said he remembered the game from he was young and he would do anything for his daughter to have that joy. I had to pay $100.00, but I won and it was worth it! At least, that's what I had thought.
So, you can guess what I was going to do next. I was going to play it, of course! The first thing I noticed, though, was the title screen. That's right, I noticed something wrong the first thing I started. The letters "SUPER MARIO 64" were black, instead of being rainbow colored. I thought my memory was just bad. Unfortunately, it wasn't bad memory. The Mario head was terribly disturbing. It didn't move. The face could only be stretched. Mario didn't have pupils. Blood, organs, and bones were spilling out of where his head ended. His head was hanging on a rope. There was a table in the background with Mario's body on it. I couldn't bear to look at it any longer. I immediately pressed START. I created a new file and hoped nothing else bad would happen. I was soooooooo wrong.
The game started out normal. It had the letter, Latiku, Bowser warning Mario about the dangers ahead, except that these dangers were way more terrifying. When Mario talked to one of the Mushroom Retainers (Toads), he replied by saying "Get away". Usually, he talks about how he and the princess and everyone else were trapped. This was different. I went to Bob Omb Battlefield. The painting had a brown sky and the Bob Ombs had red eyes. I jumped in anyway. Instead of saying "Big Bob Omb on the Summit", it said "No Survivors". I was a little scared, but I just wanted to see what would happen next. I entered the level, but everything was different. The sky was red like in the television show Invader Zim. The grass was dead. Fire was covering the land. Mushroom Retainers were being hung. Organs were hanging out of their mouth. The trees were on fire.
I decided to talk to the pink Bob Omb. It said, "We work for Bowser. We believe the red one shall die." Their canon then aimed at Mario and blasted a cannonball at him and he lost a life. He didn't use his regular dying animation. He just split in half. Blood, guts, bones, etcetera was gushing out of his body. Then it just showed his organs for a whole minute. After, the screen just turned black. It then showed Mario falling out of the painting saying "Mama Mia!" I then went through the door that led me to the aquarium. I decided nothing bad would happen. Geesh, why did I think that!? It played the forever stairs theme. The water was made up of photo realistic blood. I just did the level. When I got to where the ship was, attached to the end point was a rope tied to princess Peach's neck. Her stomach was missing, and looked like the giant eel ate it. The blood and guts in the sea came from her body, spilling out of her bitten off body. Mario then looked at her for fifteen seconds with tears coming from his eyes. He then started choking himself and died. I was sobbing at this point.
Then he jumped out of the painting. He moved 50% slower and was still crying over Peach. The fish were instead the disembodied heads of mushroom retainers. When Mario walked out, Bowser was there and Mario spoke the words, "Do it". Then, Bowser chomped the poor plumber's head right off. After, the screen was red with text saying, "You never should've played". The music sounded like a music box that got dropped ten times. I turned the game off, and smashed the game with a hammer until it was completely destroyed. Then I vowed to never go to Super Duper Ultra Mega Awesome Bidding ever again. If you ever get a copy of Super Mario 64 that starts out with black letters, turn it off right away and smash the game. Where I am now, well, that, all I can say, I moved north. Waaaaaaay north.
Credited to LooneyDude
Originally uploaded on November 3, 2011
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