Super Mario Bros Hacked Version
My favourite game of all time has always been Super Mario Bros for the NES. I've loved it ever since I first got for my sixth birthday back in 1985. Back when the world made sense and there was no Sega or Sony breathing down Nintendo's necks. Mario Bros is what inspired me to become a video gamer, and also what led me to becoming a hardcore Nintendo fan. I own every single Nintendo console under the sun. The NES, Super Nintendo, GameCube, Wii, Nintendo Switch etc. You name it I've got it.
Now going back to Super Mario Bros; as I've said earlier, it is without question the best game ever made in my humble bumble opinion. I own about 50 different versions of the game just so I can play it on more than one console. Now because of my love for Mario Bros, as you might expect; my favourite platformer mascot is of course Super Mario. How could it not be? He's got way more character and charm than any of those pale intimations like Sonic The Hedgehog and Spyro The Dragon. He's the loveable Italian plumber who must always go out of his way to save Princess Peach from the clutches of the evil Bowser. It's a tale as old as time. Also, unlike Sonic, the Mario series has continued to produce great quality games for decades like Super Mario Galaxy, Super Mario Sunshine, and Super Mario Odyssey.
I can't even begin to wonder why many hours I've poured into the original Super Mario Bros. It's definitely the most time I've spent with any game in my collection. Sadly, my love for Mario Bros has angered my wife who hates video games. You see; my wife is very miserable and wants to turn my gaming room into a sushi bar. She had gotten the idea after seeing a really weird old man do an infomercial about the power of sushi. It was really fricking bizarre not gonna lie.
My wife has often tried her best to get me to pay more attention to her and our finances but she was having no such luck. To this end, she ended up doing something. Something so horrible so unbelievably wicked that even Rabe Maniels would say; "now that's just going too far." She sold all of my consoles! Yep everything single one! The Nintendo Switch the Super Nintendo they were all gone! She sold them off to a nearby smelly farm which was located on the outskirts of Sweden. I was unable to go to Sweden for obvious reasons so I was forced to stay put. I didn't really mind her selling the GameCube and other consoles as I didn't really use them that much. I was more annoyed by the fact that she had sold my NES which had my original copy of Mario Bros still inside of it.. I needed a new copy, and I was going to get one even if it killed me.
I headed to my local Argos, and asked one of the employees there if they had any Mario Bros or NES's in stock. The employee was a fat guy who had a train funnel on top of his head. Yes he had an actual train funnel on the top of his head. Please don't ask. I mean seriously don't ask! "A NES? You must be joking." The employee joked as he then began laughing a mighty sailor's chuckle. I turned to leave only to get stopped by the employee who screamed, "wait don't go!" "Why?" I asked. He then proceeded to shoot a copy of Mario Bros out from his funnel. The copy fell to the floor in front of me. Oh man it smelt really bad. Like it legit smelt like poo. I didn't have time to ask if the employee had another copy so I decided to bite the bullet by taking it home with me.
On my travels, I was intercepted by some dude carrying a NES still mint in the box. "Hey man you wanna buy this NES?" The man asked curiously as I responded with, "do I!? How much do you want for it?" I asked as the man responded by throwing the box right at my chest which nearly made me vomit out my intestines. This is sadly a story for another day. Stay another stay another day. Ha! Also, after handing me the console, the man ran down the roads dancing like some kind of mad man. I didn't have time to dwell on that right now for I had a game to play.
I took it to my house, and was I delighted to learn that my wife was not there and had left me a note saying she had to go on a conference in Vice City, and that she wouldn't be back for three days or maybe even longer depending on the directions of the clouds. Whatever that means. I reckon she's actually gone for another holiday in the Canaria Islands with her co-worker and totally not her lover Charles. I hate that damn Charles. He was so much better and way funnier than I was. So disrespectful. The good thing was with my wife gone, it meant that I could play Mario Bros for long as I could possibly want. So I set the NES up, and then popped Super Mario Bros into it before sitting myself down on the sofa. I clutched the controller tight in my hands as the TV and game began setting themselves up.
The game started with the normal title screen but there was some pretty noticeable differences. For instance, the sky above Mario looked dark and cloudy. The title of the game was also changed to, "Super Mario Bros Hacked Version." "Hmm interesting." I said to myself as I began smoking into a pipe. Perhaps this hack version would have the keys to time, and by that I mean somehow be better than the original game. I must admit however I was a little annoyed that I had not gotten a proper version of the game, but in a moment of sheer stupidity I decided not to worry my little head about it. Oh how shellfish of me! Ha ha!
So then the game started with World 1-1, and I was shocked to learn that I had a total of 64 lives, Someone must of been saving up if you know what I mean? In the level, once again the weather was dark and cloudy. Also, Mario was very hard to move. He moved at a snails pace and also couldn't jump very far which made things incredibly challenging. There were also some other pretty bizarre changes. For example, the game had no time metre and for whatever reason Mario was unable to break any ? blocks. Even when he did, there was never any mushrooms or powerups inside of them. Enemies were far more aggressive, and also took three hits to kill now instead of just one. I somehow against all odds managed to finish the level.
World 1-2 started like normal with Mario going inside a pipe. This was when things went from being sort of weird to downright messed up. Mario ended up arriving at Shrek's swamp. Yes Shrek's swamp not even joking on that one reader. "Ah donkey what are you doing in my swamp?" Shrek asked as he came out of his outhouse. Shrek then saw Mario and his face turned from being green to being bright red. Shrek then roared a mighty ogre roar before saying in a dark whisper, "this is my swamp." Shrek then began chasing after Mario. I made my way inside the cornfield which overlooked Shrek's swamp. That's when the game cut to black as the sound of cash registers could be heard playing in the background.
The game eventually came back to show that I had reached World 1-3, and I learned that Mario was now in his Fire Mario powerup. This level was mostly normal but there were no Goombas or Koopa Troopas anyway. Also, the jumps that the game wanted Mario to perform were incredibly unreasonable. The gap between jumps was way bigger than it was in the original game. So far this hacked version isn't doing very much to impress me if I may say so myself. The only good thing I can say about this level is that the ? blocks were finally working. Also, the poison mushrooms from the Japanese release of Mario Bros 2 had been added into this version of game. I assume that this was done to make the game harder, and in a weird way it kind of did. Also, when Mario reached the castle at the very end of the level. There were no fireworks instead the castle just blew up.
World 1-4 was where things really started to get weird. Mario fought his way through Bowser's castle as normal until he reached the very end where he was confronted by not Bowser but Shrek. Shrek looked at Mario and proclaimed, "you've got a friend!" Shrek then leaped into the air, and slammed down onto Mario which caused the entire bridge to collapse and Mario and Shrek to fall into the lava. I was nearly sick but thankfully I managed to keep it all in.
World 2-1 was incredibly weird. It started with Mario trying to cook some spaghetti in someone's kitchen. He was cooking spaghetti with SpongeBob SquarePants of all people, I just want say for the record that I hate SpongeBob. I never liked the show even when I wore a younger man's clothes. Anyways, Mario was trying his best to add the perfect amount of spaghetti to each plate. SpongeBob was having none of it and kept on saying, "ooh try again. Ooh try again. Ooh try again." He repeated that over and over again. Eventually, Mario snapped and began beating the snot out of the sea sponge. He grabbed a frying pan and poured the boiling hot contents on top of SpongeBob. And with that, the level ended.
Now thankfully World 2-2 was completely normal as was World 2-3. However, World 2-4 was very strange to say the least. It started with Mario running through Bowser's castle as normal. However, Bowser then appeared on screen and he didn't look normal. Bowser for some reason was now the size of the Empire State building, and began chasing after Mario. While getting chased, Bowser would throw incredibly hard to dodge fireballs at Mario which I was only narrowly able to avoid by focusing on my toe. I was eventually able to trick Bowser into falling into the pit of lava and the level ended like normal.
World 3-1 had Mario exploring some kind of pirate ship. He made his way up to the captain's quarters, and saw that the ship was ran by none other than Colonel Dodo. Colonel Dodo was not apparently not feeling very happy as he rudely told Mario to go away. Dodo was suffering from a severe case of sadness following the death of Peck Fex and the departure of his accountant Captain Hook. Mario tried his best to break into the captain's quarters which led to Colonel Dodo ordering his crew to kill Mario.
Mario then switched to his Fire Mario powerup, and was able to kill all of Dodo's guards. Colonel Dodo then pulled out a large brown bag and said, "have some of this you fat plumber!" He opened the bag up, and a large fat smelly mole emerged from it. The mole looked nasty, and it began singing to Mario in a nasty voice. "You're so yum yum yummy yummy fat fat fat." The mole sang as it picked up Mario in it's claws, and began cradling him as if he was a small child. Colonel Dodo meanwhile began smoking a pipe, and turned to face the screen. He pulled a sly expression and said, "hey I'm a dodo what's your excuse?" I looked at the pipe I was still holding in my hands, and responded by throwing it in the trash can I got for Christmas Eve many moons ago. Even longer now than what it seems.
Worlds 3-2 and 3-3 were very boring. For starters, I wasn't even playing as Mario for these levels. No I was playing as Colonel Dodo. He was trying his best to settle his accounts but he didn't have the knowledge to do so. He needed the skills of his accountant Captain Hook. Sadly, Dodo hadn't heard from Hook in a very long time. Hook was busy running his own restaurant up in Walnut Pass. Perhaps, one day, Dodo would pay a visit to his dear accountant, but it's just so hard to tell. For these two levels, the game felt more like an accounting simulator than a Mario game. Thankfully after these two levels, the game went back to somewhat normality.
In World 3-4, Bowser's castle had far more traps up it's sleeves, and just like World 1-3, the jumps were incredibly unreasonable. The game once again expected Mario to make jumps that were beyond his capability let's be honest. I eventually reached the fight with Bowser once again who was far more aggressive than usual, In fact, I actually died a few times to Bowser. Well I say a few, but truth to be hold it was actually 45 times. So by the time I defeated Bowser, and reached World 4-1; I only had 19 lives left. I had to make those 19 lives count.
World 4-1 seemed to be on fast forward. Mario moved a lot faster than normal, and was so fast in fact that the game didn't even have time to render the enemies in. While in World 4-2, I picked up a power star which led to Mario running through the stage like a mad man. He ended up falling in one of the gaps, and fell for hours. I mean literally hours. Believe me I checked my watch. Mario ended up reaching the very bottom where he ran into none other than Patrick Star. "Hey Mario." Patrick said to Mario as really weird saxophone music could be heard playing in the background.
I eventually reached World 5-1 which again had some serious problems. Mario made his way towards one of the pipes when a large and downright petrifying walrus head appeared from it. "Ah me want food." The demon walrus said as he picked up a nearby pipe, and ate a massive chunk off of it. He then looked at Mario and said, "ah scrum tum." He then proceeded to pick Mario up in his's mighty claws of mightiness and ate Mario all in one bite.
The game then cut to show a really weird clip which had a cartoon bear dancing to It's A Small World. The bear was animated in CGI, and it wore a small fedora and was also carrying a walking stick. I don't know why but the way the bear was dancing and the uncanny valley animation made me feel incredibly uneasy. In fact, my feet even started itching. I scratched them as the game cut to World 6-2. A very weird and specific level to cut to, but whatever I'll buy it. It got that weird bear off my screen so I was happy.
World 6-2 was set during the day instead of the night which made me vomit all over the place. Also, the Goombas were now red instead of brown which made me vomit once again. I began to feel incredibly uneasy and a little unsure of myself as I reached World 6-3. This level was incredibly hard to control. My NES controller suddenly felt incredibly stiff, and the A & B buttons kind of felt like they had been wedged in place. This made jumping and using the fire attacks impossible. Thankfully, the game froze and when it came back it showed that Mario had somehow managed to reach the very end of the level. I made my way inside the castle only for it once again to blow up into a million tiny bite size pieces. Well I say tiny but they were actually very large. I guess you could say they were George Extra Large ha!
World 7-1 was also weird. For some reason, I was now playing as Luigi instead of Mario. I didn't really mind as I always preferred Luigi over Mario. Anyways, Luigi made his way inside a small corner shop which was located where the castle was in the original game. Inside the store, Luigi had a big fight with the manager because the store didn't sell fuel. Luigi then proceeded to yank a shotgun out from under his hat, and began shooting at the manager. The manager collapsed to the floor dead in a pool of blood, as Luigi made his way out on the streets of the Mushroom Kingdom. For the next ten minutes, Luigi made his way through the town killing every last person that he saw. He even killed Princess Peach while saying, "I prefer Princess Apples." I only have one very important question. How in the world is Princess Apples?
In World 7-2, Mario was shown receiving a note from Luigi which asked for Mario to head straight to Peach's castle as fast as he can. Mario arrived at the castle while saying, "nice of the princess to invite me over for a picnic." Mario made his way inside the castle only to find Luigi pointing a shotgun at him. "Say goodnight brother." Luigi said as Mario proclaimed, "all toasters toast toast!" "What?" Luigi asked. Before he could get an answer, Mario had begun beating the snot out of Luigi with a nearby toaster. Toad watched on in amazement as Mario then proceeded to throw Luigi into the dungeon. Mario then said, "if anyone's taking over the Mushroom Kingdom it's gonna be me!"
Mario was then shown chilling on the throne which formally belonged to Princess Peach. He poured himself a glass of wine, and then took a sip from it. Luigi meanwhile was shown rotting in the dungeon. Luigi was also getting force fed sweetcorn by Toad who asked, "silly Luigi when will you learn that your actions have consequences?" Luigi then looked at the screen and said, "looks can be deceiving especially when Mario is involved." And with the game cut to black. Then it came back five seconds later; and it had that weird bear creature dancing again. I got even sicker than last time. I was thankfully able t stop myself from vomiting. Not really sure how but whatever I'll roll with it.
I got up from the sofa, and threw a spear at the TV screen breaking it instantly. I needed some answers. I headed upstairs, and went inside my bedroom. Inside my bedroom, I reached underneath a bed and removed a large and heavy steel briefcase. I opened it up, and removed a large golden handgun from it. I never thought until this day that I would ever have to use this. It was time for the odds to be put in my favour. I then proceeded to run back downstairs, and pulled the game out from my NES. I threw the cartridge into my back pocket, and then proceeded to run out the front door.
I headed to the same Argos from earlier, and managed to find the employee that had sold me the game. He was busy trying to run the front desk. "Hey it's you again what's happening man?" The employee asked as I responded with, "don't you how it's going me! I demand to see your manager!" The employee's funnel began letting out some steam as he said, "okay come with me." The employee led me into the backroom where this so called manager was busy playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. "I knew you'd come here." The manager said in a cold dark voice. He had a very distinctive Chicago accent. Hang on a second!
The manager then walked towards me, and finally revealed themselves to me. It was just as I expected. It was Super Mario the entire time. "So did you like my game then my little paisano?" Mario asked as I responded with, "well not really to be honest." I then proceeded to ask how and why Mario was here since he was a fictional character. "I was always real Joseph you just didn't know it yet." Mario said as he gestured his head towards the employee from earlier, "Tom hold him." "Sure thing Skips Pips." Tom said as he then proceeded to hold me down towards the ground.
Mario then pulled out a large machete and said, "it's been one of those days." "Why are you doing this to me!?" I yelled at the very top of my lungs. "Because my little paisano: you dared to insult me game!? I spent a really long time making that! Then you go and insult it! How unbelievably rude and disrespectful of you!" I then proceeded to kick Mario in the chest which caused him to fall to the floor in pain. Tom got up to tend to Mario, and I grabbed the machete, and swung it at Tom. I ended up throwing the machete through the window where it ended up killing some sweet old lady who was trying to find a copy of Shark Tale on Xbox for her grandson. Oh how sad.
I then proceeded to run towards the fire exit only to find that Tom had locked it. Tom and Mario corned me as I fell to the floor and cried, "I wish I could go home!" Suddenly, Tom collapsed to the floor holding his chest. "What's happening to me!?" Tom cried as his back burst and Heavy Godmother came out from it. Heavy Godmother shot a lighting bolt at Mario which caused him to fall over in pain. Heavy Godmother then proceeded to pick me up in his arms, and we began flying out the window. We both flew high into the evening sky. Mario ran out of the store and yelled, "I'll get you my little paisano! Oh wait til I get you!"
Heavy Godmother and I flew through the sky for what seemed like hours. I eventually asked Godmother where we were heading. "We're heading to a place where nobody knows your name and the wine tastes like wine." Heavy Godmother clutched me tightly as I then began drinking an Iron Bru. Heavy asked if he could have some, but I refused. He then proceeded to drop me, and stole my Iron Bru right from under me. He then began downing the tasty Iron Bru as I began plummeting towards the cold dark ground below.
As I fall towards the cold hard ground, I have this to say: I think this teaches us that we should never accept a game from a man who has a funnel on his head. We should also never accept a video game console from a guy who was most likely addicted to chewits like some kind of Winston Chu. I'll be honest in a weird way I didn't sort of enjoy the game that Mario gave me, but in another way I feel heartbroken and betrayed by the game I just played. I hope this fall doesn't kill me because I hope to one day get my long awaited sweet revenge. That's all I can really hope for as I continue to fall and fall and fall some more towards the deep dark ocean below.
Originally on Geoshea's Lost Episodes Wiki
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