Super Mario World: Satan Edition

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Since it's almost Halloween, I'm writing one of those... what's it called? Spooky Spaghetti? Terrifying Tagliatelle? Frightening Fettuccine? Whatever.


One day, I was at a flea market, and went to one of the stalls. The owner was a tall, slender man with no face and a suit. The only thing at his stall was a DVD that said 'SpongeBob Lost Episode' in blood red writing. I asked how much it was, and he said 'Just pay me back later. Heh heh heh...'

So, the next day, I put in the DVD. It was completely normal. And then I went to bed. The next day, I was looking for some games to play, when I came across one called 'Super Mario World: SATAN EDITION dot executable file'. 'That's weird.' I thought to myself. 'Super Mario World ROM Hacks are usually in the .bps format.' I downloaded it, and started playing.

The title screen said 'Super Mario World: SATAN EDITION' which I expected, because that was the title of the game and all. There was no intro, and Mario started on the map. The only level I could select was Yoshi's Island 1, but it was called 'PLAY THIS LEVEL AND DIE'

I thought that was weird, because level names have a maximum limit of 19 characters, including spaces, and this had 23. Also, the water around Yoshi's Island was replaced with... Ketchup? Strawberry Jam? Some kind of red liquid, anyway.

The level was the same, except there were no enemies. But the music was the Lavender Town theme played backwards in G Major at 69% speed, and occasionally there was a weird whisper that said 'Whoopity doop, poopity scoop'. Then, the screen turned to static, and then SATAN came out of my screen. I didn't take much notice of it, as I thought it was a glitch.

Then, Satan said "YOU PLAYED THE LEVEL, SO NOW YOU MUST DIE."

"Well, you didn't give me much choice. I could only select that level." I responded.

"MWA HA HA HA HA! YOU MUST PAY THE PRICE, JIMOTHY."

"What? How did you know my name?"

"WELL, YOU'RE WEARING A BADGE THAT SAYS 'Hello, My name is Jimothy' ON IT, SO I KINDA JUST ASSUMED THAT WAS YOUR NAME. NOW, PREPARE TO DIE!"

Then, hyper-unrealistic blood came pouring out of the screen. It was neon green and smelled like garlic. Then the blood exploded.

Suddenly, five figures were standing in my room.

"What the? Sonic the Exe? Jeff the Killer? Ben Drowned? Slender Bloke? And... Gordon Ramsay?

"Wait, why am I here?" said Gordon. Then, he jumped out the window and flew away.

"We're here to kill you." said Sonic the Exe.

"Pfft, yeah right." I said. "You're just a weird hedgehog. I mean, Geoffrey the Killer might be able to kill me, but..."

"Did you just call him Geoffrey?" asked Ben.

"Shut up, Benjamin Drowned." I responded.

Everyone leaped at me, and I ran away as fast as I could. I ran into the woods by my house. (Oh yeah, by the way, I have woods by my house.)

"There he is!" said Slender Bloke. "Behind that tree!"

Suddenly, Slender Bloke wrapped his long tentacle arm things around me, and Jeff the Killer started sharpening his... whatever weapon he had.

"Go to sleep." said Jeff.

"Why?" I asked. "It's, like, four in the afternoon."

"Shut up. Now, it's time for you to die!"

I closed my eyes. Was this the end? Why should I die? All I did was play a level called 'PLAY THIS LEVEL AND DIE'... OH! Maybe that was it.

Just then, I heard a familiar voice. "Don't worry, Jimothy!"

Gordon Ramsay flew in from the sky.

"Oh look. Gordon Ramsay's here to save you." said Sonic the Exe. "What's he gonna do, insult us to death?"

"No." said Gordon Ramsay. "But I've got one question for you."

"What?"

"WHERE'S THE LAMB SAUCE?!"

Then, Gordon pulled a gun out of his arse (literally), and shot everyone dead.

"Thanks, Gordon!" I said.

But then, Slender Bloke said, in a quiet voice, "Jimothy..."

"What?"

"I was that guy who sold you that Spongebob DVD, you know."

"Wait, WHAAAAAAAT?"

I was completely stunned by this shocking twist! Whom'st'd've thunk that the tall, slender man with no face and a suit was Slender Bloke this whole time?

"But there's one more thing I want..."

"What is it?"

"You need to pay me for that Spongebob DVD..."

"How much?"

As Slender Bloke died, I heard him utter three final words.

"About... Tree... Fiddy... ... ..."

It was at that moment I realised he was a 500 foot tall monster from the paleolithic area.

Goddamnit, Loch Ness Monster!

And then a skeleton popped out.


Credited to Sir Cecil the Sea Sleep King 

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