THIS IS AMERICA, SPEAK AMERICAN

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  NSFW WARNING

This page is not safe for work or school. The content of this story is not suitable for some audiences, and may be inappropriate to view in some situations.
...Or in all situations, at any time, any place, and by any audience for that matter.

Today I was in Walmart shopping for a Christmas tree. After hours of internalizing about whether a real Christmas tree or a plastic one was worse for the environment (I wanna show the libtards who's boss by proving climate change is fake), I eventually decided on the fake one, and carried it with me into the checkout. And it was when I stood there, reading up advice on how to become an alpha male, that I heard someone talking. Not like a good American would, but in another language. This woman in front of me, SHE WASNT SPEAKING AMERICAN.

I was so angry I could barely think, so I threw the Christmas tree away and into one of the aisles, curling my fists in fury, my blood boiling to the extent where I could feel the steam coming out of my ears, and screamed, "THIS IS AMERICA, SPEAK AMERICAN." She just looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I had done the wrong thing? No. I couldn't have. I could hear my favorite alpha male YouTuber's voice in my head, egging me on. My hand itching for my holster, I pulled out my gun, and aimed at her. This would be my final Victory Royale. But just then, out of the blue, I heard Ben Shapiros voice. I knew he wasn't there, because how would an angelic presence like his ever grace our planet, but just the nasally, high sound of his voice activated my beta instincts. I got on all fours and arched my back (OMG IS THAT A "THE WRONG MISSY" REFERENCE????), ready to receive his cock.

Oh no, what was I doing? I was making a scene! I started hyperventilating, but then I suddenly felt someone pulling down my pants. Was it him? "My wife is a doctor." Oh my God, it was really him! The unmistakable sound of his voice, like every mosquito in a Texas summer all put in one room full of toddlers, filled my ears. He put his hands on my hips, stroking my stomach with his sandpapery fingers as I let out a shakey sigh. I couldn't wait for his big, meaty, one planck length long member. "Wake up! The early bird gets the worm!" Oh God. It was all just a dream. I tore off my bedsheets, revealing my raging hard-on, the precum leaking out, and felt the all too familiar longing for Ben Shapiro set in. I put on my discord merch and "women want me, fish try to sexually assault me" hat, and walked downstairs. Am I gay?

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