Tarot Tortoise

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It's midnight. I walk down the stairs of the enormous mansion I live in. I don't own it, it belongs to the creature I tend to.

As I pass a mirror I say Lily Madwhip three times.

Finally I reach the creature that I must tend, for I am the only one left. My job is to wipe the arse of the giant tortoise.

My grandfather discovered the egg of the giant tortoise while walking the beach of Bognor Regis. He also discovered the tortoise's terrible secrets. The first is that a fully grown tortoise is 300kg, so its shits are enormous. The second secret is that the tortoise will sometimes give a tarot card.

The tortoise gave my grandfather the "death" card. My grandfather died only twenty years later.

When my uncle was looking after the tortoise he received the magician card. Sure enough he got fed up with wiping a tortoise's arse and disappeared into thin air shortly afterward.

I guess given my difficult childhood, it makes sense I fell into the tortoise arse wiping thing. My father always told me he always wanted a son instead and my mother always complained about how I ruined her hairapist career

So now the job fell to me. It had a few simple rules:

1. During the day wipe the tortoise's arse when the bell rings
2. During the night wipe the tortoise's arse when the bell rings
3. If it is midnight and you pass a mirror you must say "Lily Madwhip" three times

However the tortoise did not need its arse wiped. It had two cards that I didn't recognise. One was lightning. The other had the sun and the moon yelling at each other. The sun half of the card had hot angels and shit. The moon side basically had tentacle porn.

At that very moment there was lightning. The cards were coming true now. More and more lightning was coming. And it was pink for some reason.

I thought if the lightning is coming true, what else will come true? It was then I saw it. A tendril reached out of the clouds and tipped over a cow. A tendril reached into a house in the village then gave that little bastard Norman Price a good smack. His mother Dilys was screaming at her son being adequately disciplined.

The tendrils turned their attention to me. I saw them reaching toward the giant window of the mansion near where I was hugging the tortoise.

The tortoise was hiding in his shell. Bloody coward.

The tendrils smashed through the window and reached for me. I was cowering in fear when the tendrils started giving me a handjob!?

I opened my eyes to see a tall humanoid figure looming above me.

"I am Lily Madwhip," the figure said, "and I want to have your baby"

Then we had spooky sex and made a baby.

Now the three of us live together, while I wipe the tortoises arse. Except yesterday the tortoise gave me another tarot card...

---

Credited to teambob 

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