The Curious Case of Dildo Gaggins
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I can't sleep. I haven't been able to for a couple days now. Everytime I'm about to drift off into sleep and become enveloped by a warm sense of relaxation, I am immediately thrust back into a dark, terrifying reality by the loud sounds of something creeping around. I didn't think he existed before, but now I can't help but to assume the worst. The worst being that the urban legend is true. Dildo Gaggins is in fact real.
Of course that sounds ridiculous when I say it aloud. I mean, who could possibly believe in Dildo Gaggins? But even the once absurd notion had to be taken into consideration now. There was no denying that at this very moment, I was being watched. It also was no coincidence that I had already been warned about the lurking Dildo.
It happened three days ago. I was mowing my lawn like usual, when all of a sudden, I saw an old man approaching me. He had a great, long beard and a giant stick. Just by looking into his weary eyes, you could tell he was wise. That being said, he had rudely stepped on my grass. I had to stop this atrocity.
"Get off my lawn you old fart!", I yelled at the old fart. "Does this look like a Walgreens to you?".
He stared at me like I had said something stupid.
"It isn't polite to assume an old man needs pharmaceuticals in order to carry on with his life. I only take propranolol for my high blood pressure. And Zoloft because I am a depressed, lonely wizard".
I snapped back at him.
"Shut up! Leave me alone!".
I dropped my lawn mower and ran into the house. Slamming the door shut, I used all five locks to ensure this freak couldn't get in. Unfortunately, this did not deter him from any attempts. He walked up, very slowly, and started tapping his stick on the front of the door.
"Binky!", he said in a loud, booming voice.
"How do you know my name, you creep?!".
I was so flabbergasted by the fact he knew my name, I thought I was going to cry like a little girl. How long has he been following me? Was he a pervert planning on doing horrible, yet sexy things to me? Doesn't Zoloft give you erectile dysfunction and worsen suicidal ideation? These these were the kinds of thoughts swimming throughout my mind. I decided to let him know the truth.
"I'm sorry", I said, stuttering a wee bit. "I'm flattered, but I do have a wife, so shoo. Off with ya".
He started to yell again.
"Binky Bottom! Do not take me as some horny conjuror of erections! I am not trying to do you!". His voice then became calmer. "I'm trying to help you".
"Help me?! With what?!". I had no idea what he was playing at or why he was so offended at the thought of doing me.
"In three days you will be visited by a fiendish entity. You will know he's there by the atrocious gagging sounds he makes when he's close".
"Oh right", I said sarcastically. This all sounded ridiculous. "And what is this gagging ghoul called?".
Naturally, if you're a sane person, this all sounds like poppycock. A creature named Dildo Gaggins, who gags as if he was in fact choking on the very dildo he is named after? Highly dubious.
"Well I'll be sure to keep an eye out for that Dildo fellow, now shoo shoo!".
It had been three days since I had been warned by that deranged wizard. My wife was gone so I figured Id watch a little porn. This isn't too unusual of a practice for me, especially when the wife is away. I did this for about thirty two minutes. After getting a little too excited at the sight of my lovely Alexis Texas taking a creampie to the face, I decided I probably should replenish myself with some dinner.
"Perhaps, I'll have hamburgers and buns as a tribute to those tasty buns I just witnessed", I said, giggling to myself.
I walked over to the fridge and removed the frozen hamburgers, then I placed them in warm water in a bowl. As I was warming up my meat, I heard a little gagging noise, but it seemed far away. I thought it was my newlywed neighbors, since that sound is always coming from that region. This was distracting me from the task at hand. I must grab the buns.
"Buns, buns, buns, buns, buns, buns", I sang to myself as I walked over to the pantry.
Just then, I heard the sound again, but closer.
This time the sound came from right outside my front door. I dropped my bag of buns and attempted to scream, but no air escaped me. Realizing I might've overreacted, I decided to find out who was trespassing.
"Stacy? Martin? I swear, is your house not big enough for your naughty play anymore? Be gone fools!".
What happened next caused me to freeze and almost shit me britches.
"How about a riddle? I burry into holes, but I am not an animal. It is awkward when you purchase me. I am fake, but as real as you'd like me to be. What am I?", the voice behind the door asked.
"... What?", I said with a trembling gasp.
It's that bastard Dildo Gaggins. While screaming, I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a plate from the counter. Then I ran back to the front door, opened it, and threw it in his little face.
"🎶That's what Dildo Gaggins hates🎶", I sang before running away.
He did not appreciate this. I could hear him shouting after me.
"You want the dildo for yourself!".
I ran up the stairs and hid under my bed, praying this thing wouldn't find me. The stairs were creaking as he was making his way up to the bedroom. With each step, he let out a gag.
"HACK! You know... hack... I think I've thought of a name for my book... hack... From Fear to Gag Again".
He started to laugh and gag simultaneously.
Dildo was up the stairs and creeping towards my bedroom. The gagging sound got closer and closer until it was right in front of my bed. He stooped down so I could see his terrifying face. Then the bed was flipped over. Now, I was really starting to panic.
"Listen to me Gaggins. If you spare me, I'll go to Adam & Eve and purchase all the dildos your little heart desires. How does that sound?".
He seemed unimpressed.
"I think I'll just introduce you to Sting!".
Just before he could pull his pants down, a booming voice came from out of nowhere.
It was that creepy wizard from earlier. Gaggins looked pissed at the sight of him.
"Oh, it's Gandalf. I don't even have the dildo anymore... oh wait... it's still in my pocket".
"I think you've had that dildo long enough", Gandalf retorted.
"You want it for yourself!".
"No! It came to me!", Dildo Gaggins shrieked as he went flying out of the front door, with Gandalf, of course, following behind him.
At last, the story has come full circle. The wizard scared Dildo off, but for how long. I know he'll be back, and the very idea has me petrified. I even bought lubricated eggs for self defense. It is also a known fact that if you break plates, it will weaken him. Always be on the lookout and carry your plates, because we all that's what Dildo Gaggins hates.
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