The Duel
John looked back. There stood the disgusting creature, his living nightmare. The once-cute octopus doll had grown to be a monstrosity, a true spawn from Hell. It was around 10 feet tall, had eight tentacles which produced horrible, disgusting sucking noises and a mouth giving birth to horrific screams. This... thing... it wanted to battle John.
20 minutes earlier...
John was in his uncle's house. He lived far away from the city, on some isolated farm. He was an old and wise man, but was not fragile. He was as strong as a man in his twenties and knew how to throw a punch. John's uncle also had an attic. There you found the strangest things: from old paintings, to weird toys and even an old Nintendo 64. John was staying with his uncle and decided to go to the attic and look through his uncle's stuff. The old man said: "Some things there are buried deeply. It may be wise to let that be, John." John waved him away and made his way upstairs. The stairs were old and squeaky, the attic filthy. John tried to search for a light button, but couldn't seem to find one. Nevertheless. He'd just search some old crap and go downstairs, dinner must be ready in twenty minutes or something anyway. He decided to first look into the box in front of him, which he did. The insides however were surprising: the only thing in the big box was a tiny, purple octopus doll. John pulled it out of the box. It felt sticky and weird, but he thought it was kinda cute. He proceeded to take it with him downstairs, to ask his uncle about the doll. John opened the door. "Look what I fou-" He didn't came further than that, for his uncle collapsed right there, on the floor. John screamed. "Uncle? ... Uncle!" No response. Blood started streaming from every hole of his uncle's body (Yes, even from that one. I know what you're thinking. Pervert.) John started crying. Why did his uncle die? What even happened? He decided to put it all together. First he found the doll, then he went downstairs, he showed the doll, and... The doll! Where was that little octopus? There was no sign of him in the room, other than a slimy trail leading upstairs. John wasn't sure what to do, I mean, where could that little octopus have gone? He also couldn't leave the farm, he didn't have a driver's license, and now, you can't drive without one, right? John walked up the stairs. The squeaking sounded even worse than before. Did I mention his uncle had a medieval weapon arsenal? Well, he has one. You're not okay with that? Well, I'm the fucking writer of this motherfucking story so I can do what the fuck ever I wanna do okay? You wanna fucking fight? Come at me mate! I'll whoop your ass! Oh wait, I was writing a story. Where the fuck was I again... Oh yeah! John was now on the second floor. He walked to the medieval weapon arsenal, and grabbed an ancient longsword. He'd slay this beast, otherwise his name wasn't LORD JONATHAN III OF HOUSE GRIFFITH, now was it? Wait, it wasn't? Just John? K den. John. His spider senses were tickling... He knew were the creature was hiding. You know what? I don't wanna fucking do this anymore. Let's just skip to the duel because this shit is getting motherfucking boring. BOOM TIMESKIP (Attack on Titan style baby). He and the monster stood face to face. The giant octopus spoke. "Joooooooooohn... Weeeeeeee will dueeeeeel..." John responded: "K den." So they stood back to back, and set ten steps both. Wait... That's only with guns, isn't it? Nah, screw it. Then, with a mighty roar, John attacked. His battle cry scared the beast so much, that it let out a fart. But this was not a regular fart. See, the monster had eaten TACO BELL last night! So, the room, and John, was covered in diarrhea. But he did not give up. With a slash of his sword that could kill a giant John killed the creature, blood spurting everywhere. The creature's eyes turned realistic and blood-red, not his old button eyes. The octopus' final words were: "I should noooooooooot have eeeeeeeaten that Loaded Griiiiiiilleeeeeer Menu..." It then vanished, back to the Underworld where it came from.
John sat in his room. In his hand he had a few shrooms. He said: "Oh man, I'm so fucking high right now, I don't even know where I am..."
Written by Miraak of Solstheim
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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