The Dutch Weed Experiment
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IT'S JUST A JOKE, BRO! The following page may contain outlandish humor regarding certain public figures or companies. The content of this website is purely fictional and satirical; what is presented in this story is false, and should not be taken seriously whatsoever. |
If you thought the crack epidemic of the 80's and the current Fentanyl crisis are bad (relevant, am I right?), then you haven't seen anything yet. At the risk of my own life, I am posting my findings on any website I can. I don't know what they'll do to me if they catch me, but whatever it is, I have to warn the world about what's coming.
It's called the Dutch Weed Experiment.
I was an intern at the Dutch Government. As we all know, the Dutch love their weed so much that the Government has official farms to grow its extremely potent weed, which they actually keep secret from the rest of the world. A benefit from my super legit internship is that I get free weed, which is also a commonly known fact about the Dutch Weed Farms. As I was smonking da weed, I suddenly started tripping the fuck out. I saw a vision of the then prime minister Mark Rutte, who is now secretary general of NATO. He had hyper realistic bloody eyes and was smiling creepily. I was so shocked at what I saw that I have included an artists' interpretation of my dreams, which I paid 420 Euros and 69 cents for.
I shat myself as I heard those words, which is not because I was scared, but because I have chronic diarrhea. Afterwards, I woke up from my spiritual weed vision. I knew what I had to do. I had to expose Mark and the Dutch government for their evil deeds and evil weeds >:).
To find out more about my vision, I went to the secret government weed farms, which are separate from our regular government weed farms. As I entered the secret weed farms, I thought I saw Mark Rutte in the shadows, watching me with his bloody eyes. I once again shat myself because of my chronic diarrhea. After some searching, I found a hidden VHS tape. I took the tape home, secretly of course.
Once I arrived home, I put the tape in my vhs player. And then it turned into a really shitty overused analogue horror, but instead of distorted opera music it played that song people used in 2008 Microsoft Movie Maker tutorials, but it was distorted and spooky. The video opened on a Microsoft Movie Maker title shot, saying: "Dutch Weed Experiments". As the video went on, it showed Mark Rutte. He started speaking in a demonic and distorted voice. "This is the sixty-ninth attempt to create the ultimate MLG gamer through the Dutch Weed Experiments. We've finally done it! We created the ultimate Call of Duty player. Now we can win all the Call of Duty tournaments and win epic prize money. With all the Call of Duty prize money, the Dutch Government will finally have enough money to buy a national N-word pass! Soon, we will all be able to say the N-word whenever we please!" He laughed like Freddy Fazbear after he revealed his evil plans.
I was shocked as Rutte used the Secret Weed on a volunteer gamer. As the gamer smoked the weed, he suddenly started to transform into a horrifying monster. He grew an OBEY hat and shutter shades out of nowhere. Airhorns, hit marks and shitty dubstep music followed the creature wherever it went. Afterwards, you could see this horrifying creature pickup an Xbox controller. He turned on the Xbox 360 they had in the room, and opened up Call of Duty Black Ops 2. He noscoped every single opponent, without even trying. With every kill, he started saying things like "get rekt m8" and "I'll do ur mum m8 trolololol". They created a gaming monster (not to be confused with the energy drink)! I had to stop them from their evil deeds and evil weeds >:).
I immediately started with my new mission. I contacted my secret network of creepy pasta interns to help me find the room this took place in. We found it within 69 minutes and 420 nanoseconds. I immediately went to the secret Weed Experiments room. After I broke in, I was confronted by "him". Mark Rutte himself stood before me. "It seems like you found out about our plan.", he said. "Join me, and I will give the whole nation the N-word pass." "Never", I said. "I have to stop racism, like the Penguins of Madagascar once did!" "Then you will DIE", Mark said, as if he was a CDI character.
He opened a door and through it appeared the horrifying gamer creature I saw on the VHS tape. Behind his shitty outdated shutter shades were hyper realistic bleeding eyes, a clear side effect of the gamer creepypasta weed the Government was making. I immediately shat myself once again, this time out of genuine fear. The creature jumped at me, and I dodged despite my pants being full of stinky doo doo. I ran like hell, managing to grab the secret weed plans because I had to expose the government. The weed plans just laid there because I was too lazy to come up with a better plot.
I almost made it to the exit due to pure adrenaline. As I opened the door, the creature suddenly leapt in front of me. "You cannot defeat me! I will let the world know of the creepypasta racism MLG weed!" I said, full of confidence. "But I have a secret weapon." "Oh yeah, like what?" The creature took a deep breath, and then said the N-Word at full volume, directly into my ears, killing me instantly.
Even though I died, I suddenly woke up, tied to a chair with an Xbox controller in my hands. "You thought this was the end?". Rutte suddenly appeared from behind me. "Our weed can revive any creature and turn it into an epic gamer. Now you will become our latest subject in the Weed Experiments, Sonic.EXE!" That's right, I was Sonic.EXE the entire time. Now I have to serve Rutte as his epic gamer. But that's not the worst part. The scariest part of this, is that I spent two hours writing this shit.
Credited to J3ffDaKilla69 and EvilLuigi.EXE
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