The Easter Bunny is a War Criminal
My name is Joseph C. Easter, better known as the Easter Bunny. People always think I hide easter eggs as a form of entertainment for children, but that could be no further from the truth. I hide these eggs to end an ongoing war. This war has been going on for centuries. It is a war of who will rule the animal kingdom. In this war, we rabbits fight the birds. Everyone always thinks lions are on top of the animal kingdom, but it is actually the birds. With their ability of flight, they could shoot us from up high with their bird guns. This has led to them ruling the animal kingdom for years. But us rabbits were sick of their oppression. So, we decided to rebel.
We rabbits are fast, so we could sometimes outrun their bullets. However, we lacked firepower of our own. Therefore, we allied with the pigs, who were developing nuclear weapons. However, during the war, general Red from the Angry Birds Squad found out about their initiative. He tracked down their location and sabotaged the pigs’ plans. In the end, he managed to detonate the pigs’ nuclear weapons in their research lab. The explosion wiped out half of the pig population. Almost the entire pig army was dead, and morale was low. This led King Pig to come up with an idea. King Pig decided to steal their eggs. Because of their flight, we could not beat the birds. But their eggs could not fly. And if we stole all their eggs, no more birds would be born.
King Pig asked the rabbits for help in this initiative. Our swiftness would be perfect for stealing their eggs. Then, the pigs would protect it in their stable structures. This is how I became part of the Egg Stealing Squad, or the E.S.S. for short. I stole many eggs and gave them to the pigs. When the birds found out, they launched a counter offensive. They build giant slingshots and launched themselves at the pigs’ buildings to reclaim the eggs. And they were successful. As a result, almost the entire pig army was wiped out and their army was destroyed. This led to their surrender. This later became known as the Battle of the Angry Birds.
The surrender of the pigs was a devastating blow to the rabbit empire. We lacked firepower of our own, so we knew we could not defeat the birds. Therefore, we decided to break two international laws. The first was fake surrender, the second was kidnaping children. We pretended to surrender, but the E.S.S. would keep stealing their eggs in secret. We could no longer hand them to the pigs, so we decided to hide them in every place we could. At some point, some human children found the eggs. This resulted in the creation of some sick game. They tried to find our stolen eggs and then they would eat them. They ate the children we kidnapped. This was horrific, of course, but it mattered little to us. The only thing that matters is our victory.
In the end, us rabbits will rule the animal kingdom. We will defeat the birds. I, Joseph C. Easter, will keep fighting to reach that goal! This might be a game to you humans, but it is life or death for us rabbits! So have your fun! Eat their eggs so we can destroy them one day!
Written by EvilLuigi.EXE
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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