The Eggcellent Adventure
Diamonds may be the most valuable thing on Earth but do you recall the most expensive jewel of them all? That of course being Faberge eggs. Faberge eggs have been around since the dawn of time, and while all them are extremely valuable nothing will ever quite compare tot he one Faberge egg which formerly belonged to Mr Eugene Krabs. It's not really what about this particular Faberge egg that made it so valuable other than the fact that everyone and their Grandmothers wanted it. I really do mean everyone including everybody's favourites Colonel Dodo and Richard Fatchurd. At a brief moment in time, Dodo actually had his hands or well feathers I guess on the egg but then he made such a big mistake by catching the egg on a train journey with him to the North Pole. During the ride to the North Pole, the Faberge egg ended up falling through one of the carriage's windows and Colonel Dodo gave chase by jumping out of the window into the crystal blue ocean where a conveniently placed rowing boat was waiting for him. Colonel Dodo was more determined than ever before to get that egg, but he ended up taking a wrong turn up past Butcher Creek and he ended up lost in the middle of the South Pole. That wouldn't have been so bad if it had not been for these arsehole TV executives who tricked Dodo into licking a pole which of course caused his tongue to get stuck. Unable to remove it, Colonel Dodo sat there crying until a very angry Raison Man came to rescue Dodo in their brand new ship. It was one of the rare moments that Raison Man gave in full vent to his anger, but he was able to repel his anger once Colonel Dodo explained just how much money the Faberge egg could bring them. Once Colonel Dodo and Raison Man's quest for the Faberge egg became common knowledge, the pair were summoned to Hartley Dale Castle for an audience with Evil Russian Mario.
Evil Russian Mario always owned a lot of Faberge eggs, but he wanted the egg that Colonel Dodo and his first mate seeked more than anything else. Evil Russian Mario was very cunning as he planned on sending the pair on a mighty quest to retrieve the egg. "But what makes you think we're going to do that?" Raison Man inquired. "I'll make it worth your while! Does this do the trick?" Evil Russian Mario asked as he threw a huge bag of gold coins onto the wooden table. Colonel Dodo and Raison Man both looked absolutely gobsmacked. They had no idea the offer would be so sweet! Of course that's when Colonel Dodo asked, "if I may ask sonny boy what exactly makes this particular Faberge egg so valuable compared to the others already present in your collection hmm?" Of course, Evil Russian Mario having always been an expert liar came up with this bullshit origin story of how the Faberge egg came out the ear of a genie who gives very suggestive advice to the owner of a bathhouse who secretly wants to become a concert pianist. Ha ha pianist! According to Evil Russian Mario's story, the genie nicknamed Eddie Gene by everybody expect his washing machine dealer went to the doctors in Clear Leaf Forest complaining of an ear ache. The doctor took a closer eye and pulled the egg from Eddie's ear. Of course, the doctor didn't think the egg to be of anything worth so he chucked it into the compost heap. The egg was then taken to the junkyard in order to be ripped into shards by the Junkyard Dogs, but it ended up falling off the garbage truck at the last moment. The egg then began rolling down the street beginning it's almighty journey. Colonel Dodo believed Evil Russian Mario's story instantly, but Raison Man could see through the ruse and began rubbing his chin knowingly which made Evil Russian Mario smile a smile. But not a happy smile. A smile which says I really need to take a shit.
Of course, Colonel Dodo then asked where the egg was located now, and Evil Russian Mario responded by proclaiming, "I'm glad you asked!" He then proceeded to yank out a large map of Hartley Dale and threw a dagger into a part of the map. "The egg is currently in the possession of a man named Pimping Sanders. Go and collect it for me. Should be a walk in the park." Evil Russian Mario explained. Colonel Dodo then shook hands with Evil Russian Mario thereby cementing the fact that they had a deal. Indeed, Pimping Sanders had just gotten the Faberge egg as a price for winning at bingo for the 24th time in a row. Could he make it 25? I don't know maybe someday. In stark contrast to Evil Russian Mario and Colonel Dodo, Pimping Sanders saw no value in the Faberge egg and he sought to sell it to a local jewellers up on Masterson Street. Sadly, the jeweller was rather short sighted as he failed to see the value in the egg which would come back to bite him in the ear in the days to come. "That ain't worth nothing!" The jeweller proclaimed to which Pimping Sanders questioned, "you're kidding me right? I demand a price to be paid." "I got your money right here!" The jeweller said evilly as he slammed his fist down onto a large red button which lay atop his desk.
By pressing this button, the jeweller was able to alert his security team which consisted of this really smelly man who was dressed up like the solar system. He had a model space shuttle in his hands as he sang, "a rocket ship can go to space! A rocket ship can go to the moon!" The solar system man then gave chase to Pimping Sanders. Pimping Sanders had always a fear of the solar system and space in general, The jeweller knew this and used it to his advantage. He knew of Pimping Sanders' phobia because the pair had been roommates while at Community College. This why Pimping Sanders had tried pawning the egg off to the jeweller as he knew he would do anything for prime products. The jeweller however was no fool as he recognised the Faberge egg immediately. As a matter of fact, he had to keep himself from gasping when Pimping Sanders unveiled it to him. The jeweller placed a mini microscope into his eye and began examining the egg. It didn't look very special but the jeweller knew that there was more to this egg than meets to the eye. Dutifully, the jeweller picked up his smelly red telephone and dialled Fatchurd Manor. It was time for the odds to be placed in our favour.
At Fatchurd Manor, Fritz was hard at work in the backyard preparing a BBQ. Richard Fatchurd meanwhile sat on a sun lounger and dreamed a dream about having his own moat. Fatchurd planned on one day building his own moat which would go across the entirety of Fatchurd Manor. So with Richard Fatchurd daydreaming, Fritz was of course the one to answer the phone when it rung. Fritz could barely contain his excitement when he heard the jeweller on the other end say; "I've got it!" Jumping for joy, Fritz woke Fatchurd up from slumber and explained that the Faberge egg had finally been discovered and that the jeweller would keep it safe until Fatchurd came to claim it. Fatchurd shot up from his sun lounger like a brick as he proclaimed, "now I get it let's go!" According to Richard Fatchurd on the way to the car, the Faberge egg had special value to him as it came from his Great Grandfather Willis Fatchurd. You see; ole Willis was having egg n soldiers for breakfast when his cunning waiter tried to kill Willis by giving a Faberge egg instead of a boiled egg. Willis Fatchurd though very fat was certainly not a stupid man as he was able to recognise the Faberge egg as being incredibly valuable. Willis swore to do everything in his power to keep the egg safe. Willis and that damn Faberge egg did everything together including going out on dates and walks along the countryside where they got shot at by Albanian hoods who wanted the Faberge egg all for themselves. Sadly, it all came crashing down when Willis passed away from eating a dodgy fry up at the Saint Marks Bistro. As a result of his death, the Faberge egg was put up for auction which is when the troubles really began. This was actually the true original behind the Faberge egg and as stated earlier the story told to Colonel Dodo by Evil Russian Mario was nothing more than an elaborate red herring. Richard Fatchurd intended to correct his poor departed great grandfather's woes by retrieving the egg and taking it back to where it belongs on an old dusty shelf built for two. Maybe Fatchurd could give the egg a companion in the form of a strawberry ice cream which is modelled to look like the face of a certain Squidward Tentacles which has nothing to do with anything.
Across the street from Fatchurd Manor, Colonel Dodo and Raison Man were making their way towards a local Asda in order to begin their search when they were rudely pushed out of the way by Pimping Sanders who was still being pursued by Mr Solar System. Well at least Sanders believed that he was still being pursued as in reality Mr Solar System got lost after Sanders decided to take a scenic route through Chinatown. Using his handy dandy walking stick, Colonel Dodo was able to pull Pimping Sanders back as he asked, "I say old sport what are you in such a hurry for?" "No time to talk Dodo for I am a very busy bee." Pimping Sanders explained in between heavy breaths as Colonel Dodo then asked, "oh really and why is that?" "Well... I tried selling this Faberge egg to this dopey dog over at the jewellers on Masterson Street. You know the one with the broken door you have to push really hard but sometimes not hard at all. You know the one with the..." Pimping Sanders was cut off as Colonel Dodo grabbed him by the neck and lifted him high up into the sky. "Whoa whoa tell me more about this Faberge egg." Colonel Dodo said evilly. Raison Man looked at his commander with a perplexed expression. In truth, Raison Man had no real interest in going after the Faberge egg as it was a very cold day after all and on the way over to Asda, Raison Man tried to get Colonel Dodo to take a trip to the local churchyards which Raison Man claimed to be a great place for breaking legs. Colonel Dodo after receiving the full story regarding the jewellers decided that he and Raison Man were going to rob that dopey dog blind. Now initially, Pimping Sanders despite being quite the bastard actually wanted to help Dodo and Raison out on their quest but he was forced to abort the mission after Mr Solar System began dancing down the street. "Oh bugger!" Pimping Sanders cried as he was chased down the busy early morning streets by a very angry Mr Solar System. Though he may appear to be happy on the outside. On the inside he was as angry as a leopard coloured snake. I hope Mr Solar System doesn't catch Sanders as it is very hard for the old man to run with that fedora on his head!
Over in Los Angeles, acclaimed actor Sylvester Stallone was under fire after his previous film project with Warburtons turned out to be a financial disaster. Seeking to reclaim his fortunes, Stallone received a tip off from his contact who just so happened to be a mouse with a severe nose injury regarding the Faberge egg. Stallone was curious but a little but unsure as he said, "you come to me with something like this you better be damn sure." After hearing the story about the Faberge egg and it how came to be, Stallone smiled an incredibly cheesy grin as he ordered his secretary to book him the first flight to London for he had an egg to get. So that same day at a quarter to three in the afternoon, Stallone was picked up at the airport by his very own private jet and was taken to London. Sadly, Stallone was very rude on the phone to his mouse contact as he was busy yapping on and on about a new movie he planned on making which would hopefully recuperate his losses. Following the awful reception made from his venture with Warburtons, most directors and companies refused to work with Stallone. Heck, even Rosenberg Pictures refused to do business with him. Now that's saying a lot especially coming from them! Stallone intended to use the Faberge egg as a peace offering of sorts to all the movie directors who had led him so fowly astray. Of course, Stallone believed in value over brawns so he planned on selling the egg to acclaimed LA movie director and pioneer of Classic Hollywood himself; Solomon Richards. Solomon Richards was a known collector of all things jewel like ranging from an decorative beerstein mug which had diamonds wedged into it, a golden lynx, and even a bear. Through good times and bad times it's true love that Solomon shares. Solomon Richards will pay anything for prime objects so Stallone knew that he would be the one to sell the Faberge egg for. Stallone was of course an excellent man of business so naturally, Stallone would charge Richards an abnormal amount of interest. Sorry Solomon i's just good business.
Arriving in London, Stallone made his way down the streets at a violent rate angrily pushing aside anyone who dared try to get a photo with him. Stallone eventually arrived at the jewellers having received the location from Great Grandmother Edgar who played incidental 37 in Stallone's movie with Warburtons. It's at this point in the story I feel as though I should probably mention that during this little break in of the jewellers, Stallone was wearing combat gear and looked like he was ready to kick some arse. "I'm hungry like the fox!" Stallone proclaimed as he used a grappling hook in order to ascend his way onto the rooftops of the store. Once on top of the rooftops (no pun intended), Stallone made his way through the air vent and using some stringy cheese he was able to lower himself into the backroom which is where the jeweller store owner had placed the Faberge egg for safekeeping before Richard Fatchurd's arrival. Stallone swiped the sweat from his brow as he picked the Faberge egg up and placed into his flat cap. "Ha I got it!" Stallone proclaimed at the very tippy top of his lungs. BIG MISTAKE! The sheer loudness of Stallone's proclamation caused the stringy cheese which was holding him up to break off into a million tiny bite size pieces. Stallone fell to the cold hard ground and got up all the while violently brushing himself off. Of course, that's when the jeweller store owner came in holding a double barrel shotgun as he said in a cold dark voice, "somebody is going to die!" Stallone held the Faberge egg tightly in his hands like a bird cradling it's eggs as he cried, "not today!" He then proceeded to push the jeweller out of the way as he knew there were no bullets in that shotgun as that jeweller had served in World War II but he never once fired a bullet. A fact he's very proud of! Stallone ran out of the jewellers briefly running into Richard Fatchurd and Fritz. "I say Sir was that Sylvester Stallone? Fritz asked as he held the front door open for Fatchurd. Fatchurd didn't answer and made his way inside the store. Fritz looked on dumbfounded as Stallone ran down the streets of London laughing like a fucking maniac.
Inside the jewellers, the jeweller was sat on the floor in the cradle position crying himself a bucket of tears. Fritz made his way over to the jeweller and sank to his knees as he asked, "why you crying? Why you crying?" Again and again in a very condescending kind of voice. Well that just isn't like you Fritz! Meanwhile, Richard Fatchurd made his way into the backroom breaking the door down with his homogenous belly even though the door was already open. Now that's just rude that is! After searching the backroom for a good twenty minutes, Fatchurd eventually came to the conclusion that the Faberge egg had been stolen. "It just doesn't make any sense. It should be here! Where is it!?" Fatchurd threatened the jeweller as he grabbed him by the moustache. Fritz interrupted Fatchurd's attempt to kill the jeweller by saying, "oh but Sir this fine dog here told me that your egg is currently in the possession of a certain Sylvester Stallone." "Stallone.... so it is true." Fatchurd said as he sat down on a nearby chair, but as a result of his fat ass he ended up breaking the chair and fell through it. Fritz gave a small laugh at that which caused the jeweller to glare at him which made Fritz feel very uncomfortable. Fritz had no time to comment on it however as the front door then swung open as Colonel Dodo and Raison Man entered the room holding very powerful weapons including macs, AK's, all kinds of crazy shit! Fatchurd made his way up to Dodo and slapped him across the face six times as he barked, "Colonel Dodo I should have guessed! You after the egg as well? Well I'm afraid you're too late. Sylvester Stallone's already gone and stolen it first!" "Oh buggering buggerton!" Raison Man cried in despair but Colonel Dodo placed an onion on the young raison's shoulder as he said, "do not fear my little companion for I have a plan." "Oh really?" Fatchurd remarked to which Colonel Dodo responded by saying, "but of course! Oh Rich don't you see? We have a common enemy in Sylvester Stallone." "What are you saying?" Fritz asked as he made his way over to Dodo all the while pulling an incredibly wicked face.
Colonel Dodo then went on to suggest that he and Raison Man join forces with Richard Fatchurd and Fritz in their pursuit for the Faberge egg. "Hang on a minute though what do ya want the egg for anyhow?" Fritz questioned to which Colonel Dodo responded with, "oh you'll see come the world cup final this afternoon!" He then let out a massive laugh. It was big belly laugh too. Not faking. He was really cracking up! "He's a crazy bastard but he's like a father to me so what can you do?" Raison Man remarked to Fritz. "Well I guess we're working together then." Fatchurd said as he, Fritz, Raison Man, and Colonel Dodo gave each other a massive handshake signifying their partnership was at it's beginning. After cementing the partnership, the foursome began cruising around London in Fatchurd's car but there was so sign of Sylvester Stallone anyway. Of course, Colonel Dodo being the most reasonable person in that car he suggested using morse code. Of course, Fritz shot it down cause he's an idiot and quite the miserable bugger today as he kept glaring at Raison Man whenever he tried to change the channel on the radio. Fritz gave Raison Man's hand a right ole slap as he said, "oh do behave Mr Raison! There are far more important matters at hand than the radio!" "Fritz is right. We need to find Sylvester Stallone. We get him. We get the egg. But where could he be?" Colonel Dodo asked as he held his face in defeat. Twas Raison Man who came up the answer this time. Having worked in the mines as a young raison, Raison Man came to the conclusion that Sylvester Stallone had obviously escaped London via the underground tunnels. An age old tactic taught to him by Grandmother Edgar. Had Grandmother Edgar still of been in London, Raison Man and the others could have used her to find Stallone for them. Getting through the tunnels was going to be no small feet, so of course the foursome decided they must first head to Tesco in order to obtain some equipment.
At Tesco, Moro was trying his darn best to finish mopping the floor when of course Fritz came in getting his muddy shoes all over the place. "But I just got done mopping that floor!" Moro remarked as he snapped his mop in two with his bare hands. After getting their hands on some prime mining gear, the group were pulled aside by Moro who asked, "what you fools think you're doing? You can't just leave!" "Oh but we can!" Colonel Dodo laughed as he kicked Moro in the shin. Moro fell to the floor in pain as he watched the foursome make their way down the streets. They had stolen a shopping kart and were using that to help make their journey a lot faster. Actually no that didn't happen because that would have been actually fricking awesome! No what really happened is that Moro politely asked the foursome at checkout what they were doing buying so much mining gear. Because Colonel Dodo is so stupid he ended up spilling some information regarding the Faberge egg which of course caught Moro's ear. Raison Man grabbed Colonel Dodo by his smelly beak and led him outside onto the parking lot. Fatchurd and Fritz followed suit, and of course none of the foursome noticed Moro spying on them from a nearby wall. Moro listened in and heard all about the foursome's plans to recover the Faberge egg from Sylvester Stallone. 'Perhaps that egg could be my ticket out of here!" Moro thought to himself. After all, Moro could use that egg to guarantee himself a place on the roundtable.
Though initially pretty hospitable and cordial on the phone with him, in more recent months the members of the table had become pretty hostile towards Moro. In part because the table were now being sponsored by the Yardies who were very angry with Moro for unknown reasons. This was very strange indeed as one Summers day, a Yardie member got sick and passed out near a Tesco which Moro was working at. Moro called an ambulance for that Yardie member, and the pair keep in touch and this fact had made Moro's wife Margaret very suspicious of him. Go bugger off Margaret you worry too much you know that! Oh! Moro had to get that damn Faberge egg first! "I have an idea!" Moro proclaimed to a local passer-by who just so happened to be the most miserable old fart you will ever see. Using mainly spoons, Moro was able to dig a tunnel under the city as he had no patience for the underground tunnels and he knew that Colonel Dodo wouldn't either! There were so many twists and turns! Moro learned that digging underground was a bad idea the hard way as he ended up digging his way underneath McKannon's Sewage Treatment Plant. The smelly sewer water ended up getting all over Moro. While brushing himself off with a paper towel he had stolen from Tesco, Moro questioned, "why did I even agree to be in this story? I should of just listened to my gut and moved to Lost Heaven where I could have settled my affairs." After many failed attempts to pry his way through cement, Moro eventually found himself back on the surface where he came face to face with Sylvester Stallone who had just finished having lunch at a nearby café. Sure enough, Stallone had the egg on him and had it placed inside of a large wooden egg basket. That's kind of cute.
Moro pulled out a large mop covered in spikes and razor sharp pine needles as he threatened, "that egg belongs to me Stallone"" "Moro... it's time you learned the true power of da Stallone!" Sylvester Stallone proclaimed as he pulled a large and heavy flamethrower out from his arse and began using it in an attempt to light Moro on fire. Light my pyre to the limit one more time baby! Stallone and Moro got so caught up in their little squabble that they failed to notice that the Faberge egg had fallen out of the basket and had began rolling down the hill which the pair were standing atop of. Before beginning his fight with Moro, Stallone had placed the basket onto the floor in order to ensure that nothing happened to his precious Faberge egg. Stallone had only known the egg for a couple of hours, but he had developed a kindship with the egg. The kind of the likes of Moro will never be able to understand! Noticing that the egg had began rolling down the street, Stallone who was within only inches of killing Moro once and for all cried, "oh no Moro!" The egg rolled all the way down the hill towards Hamilton Flights in Oakton City. A flight attendant picked the egg up and believing it to own to some wealthy traveller threw the egg into the plane's cargo hold as the plane began to take off for Coloumbia.
The plan to traverse the underground tunnels didn't last very long as Colonel Dodo and his team then decided that it would be best to get the egg by making things airborne. Colonel Dodo was inspired to do this after hearing from his friend in the courts that the egg had been sighted in the mountainous reigns of Coloumbia. The foursome rented a hot air balloon from Qwark's Hot Air Balloon Imperium, and used it to get high up into the evening sky. Raison Man became very nervous while in the hot air balloon as it took off from the ground. This was because ole Raison had a massive phobia of heights. This came to my knowledge when I saw Raison vomiting his guts all over the balcony of the Eiffel Tower. Truly a sight that I shall never forget for the rest of my days. During the hot air balloon ride, Colonel Dodo began shaking uncontrollably and his stomach started to make unpleasant sounds. "Oh Raison Man me lad you were right about that prune smoothie." Colonel Dodo groaned as he then asked if there were any bathrooms on board the hot air balloon. "Of course not let's not be silly!" Raison Man proclaimed in the dumbest voice you'd ever hear! "We're making such good time dear Dodo. We'll be in Coloumbia before sundown." Fritz explained but it was no use as Dodo sat on the ledge of the hot air balloon and began taking a massive dump. The smell was so bad it caused Fritz who was driving the hot air balloon btw to lose balance, but once Dodo finished up Fritz finally managed to regain control. But of course that didn't last very long as the hot air balloon ended up getting shot down by a tank on the orders of General R. Asquith himself. With W.R Monger dealing with a time bomb explosion in Lost Heaven, General Asquith is leading the military in his absence. Asquith suspected that the hot air balloon was being used to smuggle drugs for Jimmy The Lid which is Asquith had to shoot it down.
A mighty crash then occurred as the hot air balloon crash landed in the middle of the lake. Colonel Dodo and the others had no time to escape as they were then held at gunpoint by General Asquith and his soldiers. "Hello sexy." General Asquith said to Dodo as he had him and his cohorts arrested and taken to Area 69 in order to be interrogated. Fritz tried to make his way up a tree but he got pulled aside by one of Asquith's soldiers who has a thing for waistbands. Don't really know why I'm telling you that but it's a good thing to note isn't it? And so, Colonel Dodo, Richard Fatchurd, Fritz, and Raison Man were all taken downtown to Area 69 in order to be given the lecture to end all lectures by General Asquith and an angry platoon of soldiers. No Dodo could handle that! At Area 69, Colonel Dodo and his cohorts were chained to a wall but they managed to escape very easily as a result of them locked in with a lizard named Frank who has tuberculous. My deepest condolences go out to the kangaroo who contracted TB from Frank while beating him up for laundry money. Ha ha laundry. Anyways, Frank had not been locked up as W.R Monger was an animal lover and did not want to see his beloved lizard locked up in a cage in spite of Asquith's protests. Of course Asquith knew better than to challenge W.R Monger for he had a license from Old Man Patton himself. Still don't know who the fuck that is. Frank retrieved the keys from the one security guard on duty who was busy playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. Using the keys, Frank was able to free Colonel Dodo and all of his friends. Sadly the happiness was cut short as Richard Fatchurd ended up accidentally falling on top of Frank crushing him to death with his fat arse in the process. General Asquith then came bursting in holding a large red booklet as he said, "oh just boys wait and see what I've got in store for...." He was cut off as he noticed Dodo and his cohorts making their way through a nearby window. That's when Asquith noticed Frank lying lifelessly on the floor, and ole Asquith went to go and consult Frank by crying, "you could have been a bishop!" Then Frank DIED!
With Frank dead, General Asquith got up from the floor and headed towards his office which was located on the very top floor of Area 69. He sat down at his desk and used the smelly red telephone who can talk and used it to ring Sylvester Stallone. The red telephone was very annoying as it kept trying to get General Asquith to call Direct Line which is what the little red telephone believed Asquith truly desired. Eventually, the red telephone rung Sylvester Stallone and Asquith sighed before saying, "hey Sylvester it's me Asquith. Listen I got a bit of bad news. Colonel Dodo he.. and his friends well they escaped." Ah ha so the plot thickens! General Asquith and Sylvester Stallone were working together the entire time! I should have seen it sooner since Stallone has a picture of General Asquith in his office. Furthermore, Asquith has gone on record saying that his favourite film of all time is Rocky IV. So as you can quite clearly see everything is coming together nicely in a little red bow. General Asquith not wanting to face the wrath of W.R Monger seeked to have the Faberge egg himself in order to give it to W.R Monger as a sort of peace offering for inadvertently getting Frank killed. Seeking to manipulate Stallone, Asquith offered to provide military hardware and backup for Stallone even going as far as to arrange a buzzard to go and pick Stallone up from the café in Little Havana.
Wanting to reach the mountains first, Moro sank to his knees and began crying. That's when he was approached by none other than social worker and sometimes a preacher; Gabriel himself. Gabriel stroked Moro's chin as he said, "oh hey don't give up Moro don't you see that the end is in sight?" "You really mean that?" Moro inquired like some kind of Maurice which made Gabriel roll his eyes as he said, "I do." He then proceeded to make his way down the streets while really smelly music played in the background. Across the street, Moro spotted a beautiful sight that being of course a mini ice cream van. Getting back up on his feet, Moro very creepily made his way towards the ice cream truck and began using it to drive down the busy streets. Taking the spiritual advice from Gabriel to heart, Colonel Dodo reached the mountains of Coloumbia only to see the Faberge egg being stolen by Sylvester Stallone and General Asquith who were riding a military buzzard. Moro groaned into the ice cream van's wheel as he said, "oh I really hate those guys!" Luck appeared to be on Moro's side this time as General Asquith lost control of the buzzard and ended up dropping the egg into the cold dark ocean below. "SHIT!" General Asquith yelled angrily. Falling into the sea, the egg of course came of interest to Colonel Dodo and his crew who were using rowing boats to make their way across the sea. The egg eventually went out of Dodo's sight as he and his friends appeared in the middle of the sea to see two islands. One of those islands was Candied Island while the other was an island of which Colonel Dodo had seen before but only movies starring Vin Diesel who is Dodo's hero. Richard Fatchurd of course was particularly keen on traveling to Candied Island, but a massive whale named Bubbie who appeared in the waves behind Fatchurd and the others had other ideas. "Who needs Candied Island? It's sweeter at the docks!" Bubbie The Whale sang as she grabbed Fritz by the neck just as his tongue touched the surface of Candied Island.
It would seem that Bubbie was on our heroes' side as she took the group to the island next door which just so happened to be where the Faberge egg was really located. It was located on top of an old rock hill. The island was named Upendi where the passion fruit goes sweet and it's so divine it makes you lose your mind but your heart will take you there! The ruler of Upendi; Rafiki forced Richard Fatchurd and Colonel Dodo to dance in a conga with his smelly goat enforcers. Rafiki this is kind of weird! Also, Rafiki it would seem has mastered the art of flying as he often flies on a fly in order to pull Dodo back when he and Fatchurd attempted to escape. "Let us go! You've got no business treating us like this!" Fatchurd barked as he began attacking the goat enforcers but Rafiki was much more stronger, the cruller baboon despite his outward niceness as he ordered Dodo and Fatchurd under the threat of death to continue dancing until the Sun goes down in Upendi Mountains. While Colonel Dodo and Richard Fatchurd were busy being tortured by Rafiki who at one point during the song even tried to kill Fatchurd by shoving a passion fruit down his neck which made it swell up like a balloon as Fatchurd is quite seriously allergic to passion fruit as his face became green like Shrek. Colonel Dodo grew some pinecones into Fatchurd's ear which allowed him to return to normal as the passion fruit passes through to his lower intestine. Oh man he's gonna be feeling that one later tonight am I right? Meanwhile, Fritz and Raison Man made themselves useful by using Dodo's old grappling hook to get themselves onto the rocky surface where the Faberge egg lay. "So why does Fatchurd want this egg for anyway?" Raison Man asked but before Fritz could give him an answer the egg was swooped out of Raison's hand by an incredibly sinister vulture named Multure Culture. Multure took the egg to his den over in Bungalow Heights.
Multure Culture though incredibly sinister was not a very smart vulture as he falsely believed the Faberge egg was a real egg and not simply a jewel incrusted one. Multure planned on waiting for the egg to hatch and he would then raise the chick as his own. Before he could sit his ass down on the egg, Multure was called away by an incredibly cynical college professor for a seminar up at Cambridge University. Multure's adopted son PG Tips Monkey who was busy losing a game of UNO to a pigeon decided to take the egg into his own paws as he had bigger plans than trees if you know what I mean. Wink. Stuffing the egg up his shirt sleeves for some reason, PG Tips Monkey used a secret fire exit located on the far side of the nest and used it to descend down onto the cold damp streets below. Upon reaching street level. PG Tips Monkey hailed a cab. The cab driver was a very taciturn man as he never talked and he preferred the noise of tyres driving along the open road. Sadly, PG Tips Monkey just loved to talk! He kept yapping on and on into the cab driver's ear about how great the new diamond PG Tips teabags were and how he so hoped the cab driver would one day join him and Al for a cup. Whatever did happen to Al anyhow? Maybe that should be the next pasta HMMMM?
After getting the egg back to his crib, Monkey made a big mistake when he opted to showcase the egg on national television via the afternoon news. Appearing on national television, news anchor Bob Berryman appeared cheerful as he said, "in other boring news; local PG Tips mascot and possible drug dealer PG Tips Monkey has gotten his paws on a prime Faberge egg. Gareth Eggplant is live at the scene. Let's take a look!" Incredibly rude news reporter Gareth Eggplant was then shown interviewing PG Tips Monkey outside his house about the Faberge egg. Monkey held the egg up towards the camera and the sunrays hitting the egg caused the egg to shine brighter than any diamond in the sky. "So what will you do now?" Gareth Eggplant inquired as he stuck the microphone right in Monkey's face. That bastard! Anyways, Monkey basically went on to explain that he planned on selling the Faberge egg to the Grierson Gallery of California in exchange for bitcoins. Monkey planned on using said bitcoins to buy himself a mammoth unware that mammoths don't exist. I find Monkey not realising mammoths don't exist to be rather questionable since Monkey was always the smart one but now everything's gone all tops turvy. The revelation of Monkey now holding the Faberge egg came as a shock to many especially King Courtney and former egg owner Eugene Krabs.
At the Krusty Krab, Mr Krabs caught wind of this development while watching TV in the main dining area. Mr Krabs spat out his coffee as he screamed, "I got to get that egg!" On his way out the restaurant, Mr Krabs was intercepted by SpongeBob who asked, "Mr K who will be in CHARGE while you're gone?" Mr Krabs placed SpongeBob in charge during his absence. However, Squidward ended up leading SpongeBob astray and convinced him to torment the customers by dancing the smelliest dance that has never been smelt. It's so fucking smelly I shan't even bother describing it to you but it did cause Squidward to pull a very sinister squidy face. That's most certainly not the Squidward that I know! Anyways, Mr Krabs didn't get to PG Tips Monkey's crib as he ended up run over by a bus while crossing the street into Downtown Bikini Bottom. Mr Krabs was taken to the hospital, and his claw was placed into a sling. He looked very sad and was made even more sad when he learned that the hospital were going to be using Mr Krabs' lifetime supply of bitcoins to buy for his medical bills. It wasn't only Mr Krabs who gained an interest in the Faberge egg from Monkey's twenty seconds of fame as King Courtney was interested too. The Yardies have brains too reader they watch the news! Wanting that egg all for himself, King Courtney commanded a Yardie hit squad to attack the PG Tips Factory over in Hepburn. With the Yardies attacking the factory in Hepburn, PG Tips employee and possible hitman for hire Mike (he has no last name so sad), contacted Monkey and ordered him to get down to the factory pronto! "Oh but can't it wait!" Monkey whined into the phone which made Mike laugh heavily before saying, "Ha ha NO!"
On his way out of the house, Monkey was in such a hurry that he ended up accidentally dropping the Faberge egg causing it to once again roll down the streets where it ended up in the residence of Joseph Green chairman for a sugar company based in Hartley Dale. The company monitors the sugar standards in exported confectionary. "Hmm interesting." Joseph Green said as he picked the Faberge egg up and placed into his Easter basket. It's worth noting that Green was dressed up in a horrifying Easter Bunny outfit as his wife Silvia was throwing a massive Easter egg hunt fancy dress party with a grape in the centre. Sylvester Stallone was actually already at the party having been invited as Silvia's guest of honour. The first? Well that would be her boss and totally not her lover Charles. Fucking Charles. Sylvester didn't stay for long as he claimed to be very busy and had some very important actor like errands to attend to. On his way out of the Green residence, Stallone swiped an egg from a nearby basket which was full to the brim with delicious chocolate Easter eggs which were actually full of sand as Silvia wasn't going to waste quality chocolate on little snot nosed ratbag children! Stallone stole a pogo stick from a local kid, and used it to hop his way down the street until he was eventually knocked off by King Courtney and his lieutenants. Stallone had placed the egg he had taken from the basket into his coat pocket which caused King Courtney to start violently frisking him. "Mon you have something which belongs to me! Nobody steals from King Courtney!" King Courtney barked as he ordered one of his lieutenants to put a gun to Stallone's head. "Wait a second I have an idea!" Stallone proclaimed happily as he then continued with, "how's about we have a basketball game in order to determine who gets the egg sound fair to you King?" "Well not really mon but..." King Courtney was cut off as Stallone said, "ah ah no buts King now picture this; we'll play the game at the old basketballs court at Hartley Dale High."
Back at the Green residence, Colonel Dodo hid behind an old oak tree just across the street from the backyard. Dodo lit himself a pipe as he asked, "well lads what do you propose we do now?" "Hmm I think I may have an idea." Fritz said like some kind of Rayman. Raison Man and Fritz beat up some local street merchants who were dressed as Easter Bunnies in order to collect some Easter donation money for the Hartley Dale Lizard Crisis Centre. RIP Frank. Yes, believe it or not it takes quite a lot of money to keep that centre up and running. Can't imagine why. Dressing themselves up as Easter Bunnies, Raison Man and Fritz were able to infilrate the fancy dress party undetected. Sure enough, the Faberge egg was located on top of an old dressers table on the far side of the backyard. Raison Man ran or well hopped towards the egg only to get pulled aside by Joseph Green who pulled a very cheesy face as he proclaimed, "oh come come there'll be time for eggs later! Save some wumpa for later dear boy!" And so, Raison Man and Fritz were then forced to partake in a series of really boring challenges which included hop scotching over a fiery pit of hot coals, playing Shrek 2 on Xbox without using HERO TIME, and lastly doing an incredibly complex maths exam which asks really weird questions like how much a log rhythm costs. What the heck is a log rhythm? Sounds like a foot fungus! Raison Man failed the exam terribly as his pencil broke in two the second he began writing on the paper. My pencil! Meanwhile, Fritz couldn't make sense of any of the questions on that damn sheet of paper. Probably should of spent a week at Mathemagic Land instead of at Freedonia then Fritz ya bigoted asswipe!
Then came time for pass the parcel, and everyone in the backyard was forced to huddle into a circle as really horrid folk music began to play in the background. Pass the parcel is a game in which you pass a parcel. DUH! Whoever is holding the parcel once the music turns off wins. Once Raison Man got his teeny weeny hands on the Faberge egg he yelled, "now Fritz!" Fritz then pulled a revolver out from his bowler hat and used it to shoot at the nearby radio thereby turning the music off and allowing for the game to be won in Raison's favour. "Thank you! Thank you very much!" Raison Man proclaimed happily as he gave Joseph Green a handshake so powerful it caused him to go up into the sky. Colonel Dodo then appeared in the backyard smiling a triumphant grin like some kind of Donald Love as he said, "well what are you waiting for dear boy? Give me the eggo!" Raison Man threw the egg at Colonel Dodo who only just narrowly managed to catch it. Colonel Dodo then busted out into a really groovy dance in order to gloat about his victory and how he was able to defeat those fools Sylvester Stallone and Moro. "Ah! Come with me Raison. We'll give this egg to Evil Russian Mario and claim our prize." "Prize?" Fritz inquired whilst getting himself out of his costume. "Yeah... uh Evil Russian Mario promised us two big bags of dosh in exchange for this here Faberge egg." Colonel Dodo explained. He then went on to explain Evil Russian Mario's red herring regarding Eddie Gene. That's when Richard Fatchurd broke the shocking truth to Dodo. Eating from a bucket of Mini Eggs, Richard Fatchurd said with a sly expression, "whoa whoa what are you smoking in those pipes Dodo? Eddie Gene is busy hanging out at his palace up in Cumberland Falls with his possible lover Bootleg Genie. My great grandfather Willis is the one who made the Faberge egg." "Okay." Colonel Dodo said awkwardly.
Of course that's when Colonel Dodo fully realised what Richard Fatchurd had told him, and he began having a little bit of a hissy fit. "It's not fair! It's not fait!" Colonel Dodo cried at the very top of his lungs as he then made a big mistake. In a fit of rage, Dodo kicked a nearby wasp hive which was being kept by Silvia Green who as I have stated time after time is obsessed with wasps. "My wasps!" Silvio cried who was busy handing out drinks all the while dressed up in a horrifying wasp costume which made Joseph Green begin vomiting out his intestines. He only just managed to stuff them back in as the wasps began swarming around Dodo. "Oh I say!" Fritz yelled as Fatchurd tried his best to eat the wasps not realising that they could easily sting his tongue. Meanwhile, one of the wasps who thought that Colonel Dodo had attacked the hive on purpose gave him a big ole sting right on the button or the beak in Colonel Dodo's case. "EEP!" Dodo cried as he held his now bright red beak in pain. Meanwhile, the wasps busied themselves by picking the Faberge egg off from the ground. Dodo had dropped it after getting stung on the beak as you do. "Oh man I hate wasps!" Fatchurd yelled as he pulled a musket out from his ear which he had gotten as a sovienr from the local vegan house. Fatchurd tried his best to shoot at the wasps but it had no effect and all he really ended up doing was destroying Joseph Green's fence. "Charles do something! My wasps are getting away!" Silvio cried at the top of her lungs as her boss and totally not her lover Charles began giving chase to the wasps. However, poor Charles didn't get very far as Dodo stuck his leg out causing Charles to trip and fall. Poor Charl.... actually no fuck Charles! There I said it! HAPPY!?
Back with Sylvester Stallone was busy playing basketball with King Courtney, but he was angering the mighty King greatly as he kept going on and on about how he and Courtney needed to pick the perfect goal keeper. Stallone suggested having an elephant as goalkeeper only for King Courtney to wisely explain why having an elephant as a goalkeeper would be a criminally unfair advantage. "Look mon," King Courtney said with a scowl, "are ya gonna bounce da ball or not?" "Be patient King be patient." Stallone said when all of the sudden the wasps came flying by. King Courtney grabbed Stallone by the collar as he yelled, "mon you lied to me!" "What? No I didn't I... I... oh fucking shit!" Stallone cried as he pulled the egg out from his pocket revealing it to be one of Silvio's joke eggs as the thing crumbled into sand. Before King Courtney could get a chance to kill Stallone, he ended up getting run over by Colonel Dodo and his crew who were using Fatchurd's car to give chase to the wasps. "Come on Stallone it appears we have a common enemy in these wasps." Richard Fatchurd said he lent Stallone a hand. Stallone and King Courtney both agreed to put aside their differences and work together with Richard Fatchurd and the others in order to get the Faberge egg back. Oh and if you're wondering where General Asquith is during this little exchange. He and Stallone had a rather bitter falling out but that was in a deleted scene of course. Wait a second why the fuck did we cut that part out! "Mon! You sure you know how to drive this thing?" King Courtney asked Fritz as the car kept swaying violently from left on the road. "Fritz watch the damn road!" Fatchurd barked as the car was pushed to the other side of the busy street as Moro and his ice cream truck from earlier appeared on the scene. "Moro...." Fatchurd said as he let out a big ole fart which ended up stinking the entire car out, but the others couldn't do anything about that now.
Moro chased the wasps all the way back to the Tower of Chilly Charlie and Bappy Bob. Following the whole Uncharted 3 bootleg debacle, the tower went from being a research facility for lost media to being a hangout for major crime boss Professor Ratigan In spite of his rather ironic name it would be best to not call Ratigan a rat as doing so will result in you being fed to his big chungus pet cat. Yes, a rat keeps a cat as a pet. How delightfully PG Tips! The wasps handed the Faberge egg over to Ratigan who cried, "I've finally won!" He then proceeded to place the egg on top of his nightstand and began smiling at it with an incredibly smug expression. Professor Ratigan planned on keeping the egg as he had a series of diamonds which he had stolen from the Bikini Bottom Mint, and he believed the egg to be among them. Ratigan then picked up one of the wasps and crushed it to death with his bare hands. That's when Moro came crashing through the wall in a stolen Yardie Lobo which he had stolen as it was a lot faster than that lame old ice cream truck any day of the week. Using the Yardie Lobo, Moro crashed his way through the walls of the Tower and picked the egg up from Ratigan's hands. "Fucking rat next time you may not dare to exist!" Moro remarked as the Yardie Lobo suddenly began hovering in the sky. Yes, Yardie Lobos double as hover cars. Didn't ya know? Using the hovering Yardie Lobo, Moro was able to make his way to the very top of the tower and this ended up sending Ratigan over the edge. Ripping off his clothes, Ratigan began ascending up the tower as he now wanted to have Moro's head as well as the Faberge egg hanging on his wall. Moro made his way onto the balcony of the tower only to get hit on the back by Ratigan.
Professor Ratigan corned Moro and began fighting him. Ratigan was much larger and stronger than Moro so he had no trouble in defeating the humble little janitor. "No escape this time Moro!" Ratigan remarked as he punched Moro so hard he went flying off the side of the balcony. Moro clutched onto the edge of the balcony for dear life all the while Ratigan gloated about he was finally going to win as he had stolen the Faberge egg back from Moro. This wasn't just about the egg as Ratigan also wanted to have Moro killed because one time, Moro recommended a microwave meal to Ratigan which gave him a bad case of salmonella. So Ratigan has since been plotting his revenge against Moro. Well Ratigan you're a delightful fella sorry about the salmonella! Meanwhile, Colonel Dodo and the others who bought themselves another hot air balloon appeared in the sky above the Tower of Chilly Charlie and Bappy Bob and began shouting encouraging words at Moro but it was no use as he ended up losing his grip and he fell towards the cold hard ground. Ratigan laughed, "I've won!" He then began prancing around but he got what was coming to him soon enough as he ended up slipping on a conveniently placed banana peel. Ratigan then fell off the balcony to his own death, but Moro had not died as by focusing on his toe he had gained the ability to fly. Ratigan however was not so lucky. Time runs out for Ratigan it would seem. Thankfully, Moro had also managed to get his hands on the Faberge egg as he was picked up in the hot air balloon. The whole gang including King Courtney and Sylvester Stallone all huddled around Moro as Colonel Dodo said, "let's go home!" Moro handed the egg over to it's rightful owner Richard Fatchurd who proceeded to lick the bloody thing for a good five hours which made King Courtney feel very uncomfortable as he asked Fritz, "uh is he okay mon?" Fritz who was rather touched by the sight responded to Courtney's question by throwing him off the side of the hot air balloon. "See ya next fall bastard!" Fritz joked. Colonel Dodo meanwhile wiped a tear from his eye as he said, "King...."
Moro and the others took the egg to Kensington; the royal borough up top in order to be investigated by world renowned gem expert; Roddy Saint James. That's when James dealt a crushing blow to Fatchurd when he explained that the egg was actually in fact a fake this entire time. "it's fake watch this watch this!" Roddy said as he slammed the egg down onto the ground causing it to smash into a million tiny bite size pieces. Indeed, the Faberge egg had been a fake this entire time. This revelation caused Fatchurd and Fritz to glare at Roddy Saint James who cried, "oh maybe I shouldn't have done that!" Fatchurd and his cohorts then proceeded to tackle James down to the ground and gave him a right good beating. Even Sylvester Stallone joined in on the beating. Meanwhile, Colonel Dodo took a walk along the block in order to see the Easter festivities at hand. On his travels, Colonel Dodo came across another Faberge egg but this one was pink and had orange jewels on it. Dodo slammed the thing on the concrete floor revealing it to be a real Faberge egg. Thinking quickly, Colonel Dodo noticed local bus driver Trevor Evans was having a tea break just outside his bus. Dodo yelled, "hey Trevor catch this!" "You what?" Trevor asked as he was so busy drinking his cup of hot sweet tea that he failed to notice the Faberge egg which Colonel Dodo had thrown at him. The egg then proceeded to roll all the way down a nearby road as Dodo remarked, "oh Trevor!" And so the cycle repeats.
So that's the ballad of the Faberge egg. A rather odd but somewhat heart-warming tale as it teaches us that we can all get what we want if we work together or maybe even in a pack. A pack of two how about a pack of ham? Ooh yeah wouldn't that be something? I really hope Colonel Dodo is able to catch that second and this time real Faberge egg, and then he can shove it up his arse or something. I honestly have no idea what Dodo is planning to do with that Faberge egg since he knows now that Evil Russian Mario was only using him and wasn't going to pay him the money as promised. Now if you'll excuse me dear reader it is Easter so I'm off to have some delicious Mini Eggs. Oh yes, some delicious Mini Eggs I certainly hope they're not Scotch eggs!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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