The Elder Fandoms V: Skyfur

Hi, I'm Y'iff, a Khajiiti warrior-alchemist. You may know that I'm a professional warrior and alchemist, but you may not know I'm also the Dragonborn. I grew up in a small jungle village in the southern part of Elsweyr known as P'ingasville with my brother J'zargo, who was always into being a wizard and shit, but I was the one who mastered the ancient art of catrate, a complex form of martial arts native to Elsweyr. Because catrate is extremely deadly it was banned in Cyrodil, Hammerfell, and pretty much everywhere in Tamriel besides Elsweyr and Black Marsh. It was banned when one of the emperors was killed by a Khajiit assassin using the "claw up the butt" move. Yes, the claw up the butt move is the most deadly and painful move there is in catrate. I should know, because when I was a kitten J'zargo used to stick his claw all the way up my butt and I had problems shitting since then.

I also lived with D'rugaddict, the Cathay-raht who lived in the neighboring tree and taught me how to make my own skooma. That was when I made the first unbelieveably-distilled skooma and got really high, and used that skooma break to get my alchemy up to 100 in just three minutes. This was how I became known all over Elsweyr as the Fullfurry Alchemist.

Sometime after the Great War I decided to expand my skooma empire by selling it to the Nords in Skyrim, but I was arrested by Imperial soldiers while I was trying to cross the border and taken to Helgen to be executed. There I met my best friends Ralof, Ulfric Stormcloak and Alduin, the dragon who destroyed Helgen and helped us escape.

Ralof told me that his sister Gerdur was in charge of the mill in Riverwood, so I figured I would go to Riverwood with him to sell some of my skooma to the backwoods Nord folk there. The fact that Ralof had a sister got me thinking she was hot and I could get laid. I found out I was wrong when I got to Riverwood and accidentally clawed at her because I thought she was a hagraven. I made it up to her though by telling the jarl of Whiterun to send guards to Riverwood.

Jarl Balgruuf helped out, but then I found out that his kids were spoiled little brats and I killed him with his entire family. Then I became the jarl of Whiterun.

One day Mirmulnir the douchebag dragon attacked the Western Watchtower, so I helped out my hold by killing him and absorbing his power. That was how I found out I was Dragonborn.

I went to the Greybeards and they taught me some interesting shouts, and that was how I realized that they pretty much had shouts for everything. For example, when Angeir wakes up in the morning, he walks in front of his closet and shouts, "PUT CLOTHES ON!" and his Greybeards robes and hood just fly onto his body. They also have a shout for flushing the toilet, but they refused to teach it to me because it was too powerful for even the Dragonborn.

I was sick of being the jarl for a while, so I went back to Elsweyr to visit with my friends and family. There I met a classmate from my old school, who lost his arms to Diabetes. Not the disease diabetes, but another kid at school named Diabetes Anderson who would take other kids' arms. I also ran into Diabetes Anderson and he told me that he unleashed a plague on a small part of Elsweyr and if I killed him it would spread. I ended up killing him, so I had to go back to Skyrim because Elsweyr ended up plagued.

But before that, the king of Elsweyr S'uk Mahdik told me that he would pay me an ass load of gold if I came up with a cure to the plague. Why he chose me above any other alchemist in Elsweyr was probably because all the others were dead, so the Fullfurry Alchemist was going to be more useful than the Fullerfurry Alchemist who died of the plague.

I cured the plague, but I lost the one sample of it and forgot how to make it. The king still paid me and I left for Skyrim again. Then I went to the Bannered Mare in Whiterun and met a Nord-born Khajiit named Un'ethikl Usar. We got drunk and high together off of the skooma that I put in the liquor while nobody was watching. That night I went up to a room with a sexy Argonian maid. I was going to have sex with her of course, but she said that it was against Argonian tradition to have sex before marrying, so I married her and had to give her the sample of the plague cure that I found out was contained in a skooma bottle to disguise it. I really wanted some sex, so I took her to the Throat of the World because I heard that Paarthurnax was a licensed minister and could perform marriage ceremonies, and no other temple in Skyrim would marry a Khajiit and an Argonian. Long story short, I shouted her off the mountain and she died. Her brother Greedee-Joo ensured that she be buried in Black Marsh, so I had to forget about getting that cure from her corpse, mostly because the diseases in Black Marsh were worse than the plague in Elsweyr, involving heavy diarrhea, blindness and loss of dick.

I decided to visit my brother J'zargo at the College of Winterhold. When I met up with him, he asked me, "Have you mastered the expert level destruction spells yet?" to which I could only reply by not replying and running away, but he caught up to me and boasted about his superiority to me as a wizard. He ended up giving me a book, saying it was a recipe for "the best pancakes on Nirn". I couldn't read the book because it was in some strange alien language, so I went to the Greybeards to see if they could translate it for me.

"So are you gonna translate the book?" I asked.

"No," Angeir replied. "I cannot translate it for you, because I don't know it."

"Well do you know anyone who might be able to?"

"Our leader Paarthurnax. If anyone knows this strange moon man language, it's him."

So I climbed up the path to the Throat of the World, shouting every goat I saw off the mountain. When I got to Paarthurnax he said, "Hey, what did you do to my goats, you dick?"

Oh shit, they were his goats. 'Um ... can you translate this book for me?"

"Hold on, lemme see it." Paarthurnax looked through the book. "Ah yes, this is in the ancient Italian language."

"Italian? Like the Romans and shit?"

"Yes, the Romans and shit."

"So will you translate it?"

"No." Paarthurnax turned to his side. "But I will breathe fire on some rocks, and you will look at these rocks and then you will know Italian. Voi sapere Italiano with pizza."

I looked at the rocks and suddenly I could speak and understand Italian.

"Good. Spaghetti and meatballs." Paarthurnax faced me. "Now I want you to greet me in Italian."

I breathed my hot Italian fire onto his face.

"Oh, yes," Paarthurnax moaned. "I can feel the hot Italian passion all over me. Um, you should go the fuck away now."

"Oh, okay then ..." I walked away but turned around to say one more thing. "Bye."

"GET THE FUCK OFF MY MOUNTAIN!"

I left and never returned, but I made some bomb ass pancakes. I made some more pancakes, but I added skooma into them and opened my own restaurant that I called "Y'iff's I Promise You there's no skooma in the Pancakes Pancake House". There was just one more problem: I never achieved my goal of curing the plague in Elsweyr, so as southern Khajiiti tradition demanded, I had to go back to Elsweyr and suck the dick of the biggest Khajiit in my village, and P'ingasville was full of mostly Khajiit of the Cathay-raht breed, and most of them had invented a special dick enlarging skooma. I was quite literally fucked.

...

"Thus ends the story of Y'iff," Paarthurnax finished his story that he was telling to Un'ethikl Usar. "The coolest Khajiit in Tamriel. Well, he never learned the expert level destruction spells, but he was fucking awesome in every other way! Eugh, marinara sauce and some garlic bread!"

"Thank you for telling me this story, oh great Paarthurnax." Un'ethikl left the mountain while he heard Paarthurnax mumbling, "Nobody ever just comes all the way up here to talk to me in Italian ... pepperoni lasagna oregano ..."

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