The Gabagool Waker

The Sopranos: Road to Respect. It was the first vidya game that I ever played, but I gave up on it when I got to the Nighthorse Casino and never played the game since. Unfortunately for me I lost the game after I was arrested due to mad kush possession. But about 20 years in the can ago I thought I should give it a try. So I went to my local EB Games but they didn't have it. They did however have Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare for the Xbox One, but all I have is my PS2 and Call of Duty: Finest Hour. No, I’m not broke. I’m something of a purist, and the fact that they didn’t have a copy of The Sopranos: Road to Respect made me severely depressed because I went to every store that sells games and they all say they don't have it, which really fucking sucks. This game was one of my childhood favorites and it means a ton to me. The sadness of this revelation is unbearable and I feel as if I no longer have any will to live. If these walls could talk, they’d probably still ignore me.

Then about a week ago or so later me and my pa went to a local garage sale 666 hours away from our house. While he was looking for junk, scrap metal, sprockets, elbow grease and mary jane, I went to the miniature human being's section. And then I saw it, a black box with a label saying, "The Gabagool Waker". I quickly grabbed it, popped the box open and examined the disc. It had a small piece of scratch paper torn from a scrapbook where the instruction manual would normally be, and in the slot where a disc would be contained was that disc, the only disc I’d ever need. There it was, shining brightly as the sun reflected its glare into my vision from the pristine edges of the disc like an angel’s halo.

The Sopranos. Road to Respect. Fuck yes. I finally found this masterpiece. Just as beautiful as the day I lost it.

I quickly hobbled over to the person selling it like a paraplegic gremlin on crack and asked how many shekels I’d have to give him for the brilliantly designed and well received PS2 classic hit. He said, "Please take it, please. I'll give it to you for free. I do not want this. I can’t handle this anymore. It’s too much." That made me a teensy weensy little bit skeptical, mayhaps, but I didn't really care so I took his offer. Perchance.

When we made it back to the echo chamber, I ran over to my PS2. Full on fucking ran dude. I needed to play this game again so bad. When I finally made it to my PS2 (I ran for about 90 km) I inserted the disc into my trusty game console and fired that bitch up. I got a nostalgic feeling in my bootyhole when it booted up. It’s game time. When I got to the title screen I noticed a coupla 3 things that were off. First off there wasn't any “Woke Up This Morning” by Alabama 3 BGM or New Jersey traffic, secondly the sky was African American, and lastly the creepiest most disturbing gaming thing ever, and the title said, "The Gabagool Waker". There was also an image of Tony Soprano in the background with hyperrealistic rojo pinpoint pupils and red oil dripping from his eye sockets. He also appeared to be showing how that prick’s face looks when he saw the gyatt. It made me wonder, did the guy's kid hack it or something? And on a serious note, has anyone ever actually modded The Sopranos: Road to Respect? But I wanted to play it so I pressed the start button.

Everything was fine until I got to the part where Tony's sister Janice gets kidnapped. Tony was to jump and Carmela would catch him. But she didn't. Tony fell and right before he hit the rock the screen cut to a negro y azul gradient for 33.333 million milliseconds. Then I was at the scene where you met the Ghost of Bonpensiero. Except he was dressed in a red and black skin tight devil costume, while also wearing a headband with bright red long and sharp devil horns and had an evil scary grin, long skinny villainous beard and mustache, and a red, long pointy 4 pronged pitchfork with a fat piece of gabagool stuck on the end of it. He spoke to Tony and said, "Heya Ton’. I'm real sorry for what happened to me, this thing of ours, you and your sister. I'm The Ghost of Bonpensiero." Then I noticed Tony. His clothes “where” black, his skin as hyperrealistically pale as the hyperrealistic moon, and he seemed exceedingly depressed (default expression) with blood and his face and arms and legs and knees and toes. He continued, "You must make that bitch that killed you pay and that bird too. Take this instrument of death and make them suffer!" Then I got the "Gabagool Waker" There was no description—then he said he needs a spliff to whiff.

I went out and the saw it was nighttime, but it was pitch African American with no S.T.A.R.S. I noticed the NPCs were looking at me seductively yet strangely, like they were scared and horny. I tried to talk to them but they would say nothing, yell and run away, or cream their undies. I went to the salesman with enough moolah but he wouldn't sell it to me. I couldn't use the Waker for whatever reason. I targeted the salesman then I could use it so I did. Then the screen went to African American and I heard a scream. It said I got the spliff but when I looked at the salesman his head was on the table. Dead. Space. I scream about what happened then go back to playing. I left most of this unedited because I have no idea how to turn this dead robotic sounding text into something funny. Period.

I was confused about what happened so I tried it on the children. It went to African American and I heard screams, then their screams became that of a cacophony of meows and barks from a sky raining cats and dogs, next they were laying on the ground with African American eyes with tears of red oil. There were also various cats and dogs strewn about the land, not in a particularly gruesome or disturbing way, just kinda there looking healthy and happy. As sick, twisted and disgusting as it was I continued to play it. I went back to Big Puss, gave him the spliff and watched as he inhaled that shit in one quick pull. After letting out some fat fuckin clouds and ascending to Sirius B, he said to go to the location marked on the map. He then turned 180 degrees in a quick motion like a marching soldier, bent over and spontaneously shit out a 1964 Chevrolet Impala for me to drive. While I was cruisin’ down the street in my six-fo’, I noticed something a bit cursaged, haunted and possibly even creepy. Tony seemed happy after what happened. When I got to the location I noticed it was Tony’s boat. This was the same spot where Big Puss Bonpensiero got whiggity whacked. When I got on board the crew began to try to kill me. But Tony used the Gabagool Waker to kill them all. What I saw next was horrid henry; everyone was kill in a sick and twisted gaming way. One had his eyes cut out and his ballsacks cut off with his ballsacks in his eyeholes and his eyeballs in his ballsacks, another was on fire with his arms, teeth, fingers and toes missing, and the others were even worse. It was so bad I can’t even describe it! Then Carmela came to see what was going on. In a cutscene Tony used the Gabagool Waker and it went back to African American. Then I saw Carmela ripped in a bunch of tiny scraps of paper pieces and Tony kneeling over her 2-dimensional dead corpse cadaver remnants. Then a message block said "I got Carmela’s Gyatt".

When I got back to the whip the Ghost of Bonpensiero said, "Well done, Ton’. Now we must go to the bird.” So I went to the Nighthorse Casino, curious to see who this “bird” could be. After getting into a dangerous and life threatening car wreck I was sent to the bird boss battle, realizing that “bird” was actually an Alias for Christopher Moltisanti. Maybe due to that goddamn natural canopy of a nose. He was also wearing big chicken feet like shoes and was covered in glue and feathers and had a red rubber glove attached to his head with a string, and a plastic beak tied in the same way with another string, but covering his nose and mouth. After getting the beak off the only thing I could do was use the Gabagool Waker. After I did, I saw Chrissy’s face with Tony’s fingers clutching his nose, it was a gory mess. There was blood everywhere and even on Tony. Then his sister came and said, "I slightly dislike you! I slightly dislike you! You killed all those people and the big bird you..." Then to my surprise Tony used the Gabagool Waker again. Janice screamed then fell. Tony turned his head 720 degrees with an evil grin and said, "They are all dead. Game over." It went to African American then a message box said, "Your’e next." To my horror Tony began to walk to my screen slowly and laughing. I tried to turn off my PS2, but it wouldn't work. I tried turning off my TV, same thing. When he got to my screen he screamed then it went off.

Just when I thought the horrifying creepy gaming experience was over with… I felt a deep dark disturbance in the dank despair riddled disc. Suddenly, my TV powered on, staying on a blue, yellow, pink whatever static screen for about 60 years. In all that time passing, not once did I decide to get up. Nothing else mattered in my life at all during those 60 years. Just the static. Once it finally subsided and once my life flashed before my eyes and I lost all meaning, practically flushing my life down the drain, the picture faded in. I immediately saw a shut closet, but the door slid open and I saw the face of Uncle Philly “My Ass” Leotardo. He walked forward, and with each step he took the volume bar on my TV would increase by one notch. Once he approached the camera for the extreme close up, he said in a loud, booming thunderous voice…

“You’re a fucking disgrace.” He then whipped out a chrome plated M1911 and pointed it directly in front of Tony Soprano. The camera then cut to the face of Tony Soprano, in utter shock at the gyatt pointed between his eyes. His face looked just like this…

That experience scarred me deep. I went back to the guy's house but when I got there I saw an old rickety piece of shit house. A man that owned the local chicken restaurant walked up to me in a humble manner and politely told me no one has lived there for years. I went back home got the game and it's case and buried it in my back yard. Hoping I never see it ever again. After playing it again, after all these years, who would’ve known that my beloved Sopranos PS2 gem from yesteryear was in actuality, a turd encrusted in silver…

WAIT, IT’S MADE OUT OF SILVER? HOW MUCH CAN I GET FOR THIS?!!

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