The Goblin Conspiracy

The Goblin Conspiracy

Hello. My name is Bob and I am a Goblinologist. Now this may sound like I'm bullshitting you, which I might be, but I have definitely dedicated my entire life to Goblinology. When I was younger my socks would always disappear in the wash so I assumed it was Goblins. I hate those little bastards.

Goblins are a difficult subject mainly because they cover their fucked-up faces with the socks they steal. They have been sighted by millions around the world and there have been countless vicious attacks on unsuspecting members of the public planned out by the Goblin Council. But the Illuminati has been covering it up in the media by calling them Mexicans. So this proves that Donald Trump knows about them and is trying to get them out of America. He wants to build a wall to keep the Goblins out. 

Anyway, enough about Donald Trump. This is my story about my encounter with a Master Goblin and his army of Goblin Children.

It was a sunny day in Philadelphia Chinatown. I was getting my noodle flavoured vape juice and bootleg vape accessories because I'm broke as shit and can't purchase genuine VapeTech vape accessories for my custom vape station. It's almost fully operational. I'm also vegan. We only eat plants. And I do crossfit. There are many health benefits and it's actually really good for you. There's a strong sense of community in the Vaping Vegan Crossfitters. 

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So I was testing out my new custom vape pen when I heard a scratching behind me. I passed it off as a glitch and continued into the crossfit building just outside of Chinatown. I got into the building when I was greeted with a basket of assorted vegan snacks. I ate one and told everyone in the building I was vegan. I was expecting them to give me a medal for doing such an amazing feat. WHY WON'T ANYONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME?!

After I was congratulating myself for a good vape sesh and being vegan, I heard a scratching noise again. Turns out I left my sock on vibrate mode again. How could I be so foolish?

I took my crusty, dirty and sweaty socks to the laundry room in my apartment building and put them in. I fell asleep on top of the washing machine and was awoken by a little giggle. I woke up to see a gnome. It was an evil gnome and he was spouting something about...news? I think.

I asked the gnome for his name and he just turned around and said 

"K K K K K K K K K K KEEMSTAAAAAR."

I have no idea what this means but by the time my brain had processed what had just happened to me the little gnome scurried off.

I then saw a goblin slowly inching out of the washing machine. 

But what was that in his grubby goblin hand? 

It was my sock.

"YOU DIRTY FUCKER" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I lunged at the tiny creature. The goblin leapt up and scurried off through the gates of Hell. A.K.A reception. I followed him through a hole in the computer. I passed it off as a glitch and continued on. I opened my eyes and I was in Goblin Land. It was raining blood and there were millions of little grubby goblins vaping. They had made sick custom vape pens out of stolen socks. Turns out they wanted my socks because they were so particularly crusty from my sweaty pores that they wanted to use them to build the best Goblin vape pens. 

Maybe these guys aren't as bad as I thought, I thought to myself.

But then they stole my noodle vape juice.

Un.

Fucking.

Believable.

Those little bastards stole my custom bootleg vape pen. That shit cost me five thousand dollars (not tree fiddy fuck you Nessie). 

Because they stole my priceless vape pen I couldn't complete my custom built million dollar vape station. 

I went insane. I went on a massive rampage and squashed all of their little faces in. But before I could kill the last one to get my vape pen back, he snapped it.

That little bitch.

The insensitive non-vegan, non-crossfitter vape pen stealer had snapped my vape pen. 

I needed my revenge so I smacked him into a wall. 

I got out and went back to my apartment and laid down. 

I woke up the next morning. I went to get dressed and got ready for my morning jog to the vape store in Chinatown. But I opened my sock drawer only to find every single sock I have ever owned missing. Just gone.

Those little bastards. But then I realised that I had killed all of them yesterday. But then Donald Trump came down into my apartment in a black CIA helicopter and told me that all Mexican citizens were actually many goblins standing up on each other's shoulders in costume. 

Wow. I actually couldn't believe it. How could the government have kept this a secret this long. So it was Juan from next door who stole all of my socks. What a cunt.

Donald Trump also explained to me how Goblins are the root of all negative things: Rape, murder and high crime rates to name a few.

"That's why we need to eliminate the Mexicans." He said.

Mr. Trump handed me an AR-15 and told me that we would be landing in Mexico city in 4 hours and to get ready to commence operation F.A.G.G.O.T.

"It stands for Friendly Augmented Grubby Goblin Oppressive Troll."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Shhhhhh....." Mr. Trump said as he pressed his finger on my lips. 

"What do we do in operation F.A.G.G.O.T?" I asked.

"We build a wall... To keep the Goblins out."

"Yes sir!" I proclaimed as I saluted him. 

"Keep that up and soon you'll be inheriting a small loan of a million dollars." He whispered.

We flew off into the sunset as the sun slowly morphed into Donald Trump's face.

The End.

And the Goblins will get you if you don't vote for Donald Trump.

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