The Home Depot Legend
This is a fictional joke story written by DaveTheUseless. Don't actually do this, and don't take the story seriously.
Have you ever been to Home Depot? Odds are you have. When people need to purchase supplies to help build their homes, they often go there to purchase wood, screws, nails, doors, desks, and other supplies. But something that's a bit more secret is what tends to go on behind...closed doors.
When you go to the checkout line, you must approach with a small box of screws, and only a small box of screws. Any brand will due. When the cashier asks you how you are doing, squint at their nametag. After eyeing your screwbox purchase, this is the second clue that you know what they know. Lastly, tell them that you ordered the pizza last Sunday, and it gave you explosive diarrhea.
The cashier will give you a stern cold look, and ask you who was buried in Grant's tomb. Tell them that it was an accident, but that the people needed to know. The cashier will then ask you to guess their childhood nickname. Tell them: Grant. The cashier will pick up their phone, and call in a replacement cashier, before motioning to escort you to the stockroom. On the way to the stockroom, return the box of screws and be sure to whisper under your breath, 'Grant would have wanted it that way'. If you do not do this in time, the cashier will slice you to death with a Home Depot box cutter. Take important note of this, for your life depends on it.
Once inside the stockroom, the cashier will motion for you to climb into a cardboard box. They will duct tape the box, where you will remain for seven days. There are holes in the box for breathing, and tiny pellets of dry bird food, which you will survive off of. Do not yell, or the box will catch fire, and you will die. The same will happen if you try to call for help, or otherwise use your phone. Because the box will be moved into a secret room sometime while you sleep--which, you will--no one will be bothered by your using the box as a bathroom. When the seven days are up, a red-haired man with a slack jaw will open the box with a box cutter, and coax you to leave the box. Do not offer to clean up your waste, or bathe. You will find yourself in a small room, around the size of an apartment kitchen, with a school desk and an American flag, on a pole, attached to the wall like a classroom flag. Do exactly 12 push-ups before firmly shaking the man's hand, and saying in exactly these words: "All that is granted is a screw for the fix", three times fast. He will then snap his fingers, and you will wake up in a state of uncurable bliss.
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