The LL Cool J Anomaly

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WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS A SERIES OF JOURNAL ENTRIES FROM THE FUTURE. IT IS ADVISED YOU DO NOT READ THIS PASTA FOR THE SAFETY OF YOUSELF AND OTHERS, AS POSSESSION OF KNOWLEDGE OF THE FUTURE CAN AND WILL RESULT IN A TIME PARADOX. SO PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF EVIL PATRIXXX, DO NOT READ THIS. — THE NSA

December 19, 2016

Dear Diary,

I just watched NCIS: Los Angeles. I was watching my favorite episode, Legend (Part 1), when I noticed something weird about it. Throughout the entire episode, Sam Hanna looked like he was decaying, and then a foul odor came out of my TV. I was very spooked, but I watched the Next Episode. And by that, I mean the Next Episode by Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Dogg, Kurupt, and Nate Dogg. I got to the part where Nate Dogg was supposed to say "SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY", but instead, the decayed Sam Hanna killed Nate Dogg and blood flew everywhere. Sam then looked at me and said, "And ya radio's def when my record's on!" before my computer exploded. FUCK! Now how am I supposed to get my daily quota of porn? Well, I guess I'm limited to fapping to Victoria's Secret ads until I get enough money to buy a new computer. But aside from that, Sam's last words have been stuck in my head ever since I heard them a few seconds ago. I'm a little freaked out, but I'm sure I'm just overreacting.

December 25, 2016

Dear Diary,

I'm a shitty father. I broke in to a Walmart today to get my 26-year-old stepdaughter a My Little GI Joeformers Pets toy because I forgot to get her a gift. After I ran away from the fuzz, I merrily walked home. On my walk, however, I saw a corpse. Being the fucking pussy I am, I ran away. I went home to see my stepdaughter, but I saw that she was hanging from the ceiling fan by a belt. I fell to my knees, crying tears of joy! Now I don't need to pay child support anymore! I prayed to Vishnu, thanking him for making my stepdaughter kill herself. After I finished praying, I decided to whip out the grill and cook her, except for her reproductive organ. I'm going to use that for... educational purposes...

January 9, 2017

Dear Diary,

I just found my stepdaughter's suicide note. The note read, "Ladies Love Cool James". MOTHER OF FUCK! I invited Vishnu over to eat my stepdaughter's corpse to thank him for his work, and now I find out that LL Cool J killed her. I'm going to kill that son of a bitch Vishnu and get my 5 dollars back. I need to find LL Cool J and thank him. But for now, I need to find a place to sell my new homemade fleshlight. I could sell it on Amazon. Or eBay. Craigslist, even. But, if I want to be secretive about it, I should sell it on the Silk Road, so I don't get arrested for making a fleshlight out of human parts. OH SHIT! You did not read that. Fuck you NSA!

January 19, 2017

Dear Diary,

Hillary is getting inaugurated tomorrow. I'm thoroughly pissed, mainly because I voted for Ted Cruz. But, that's aside the point. The point is that I went back to the corpse today. I had to man up first. So I ate a fuckton of protein powder for 24 hours straight. Then, I was ready. I went back to the corpse and inspected it. The DNA sample I took from it proved that it was none other than LL Cool J. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How the fuck could this fucked up shit fucking happpen? I then defiled his corpse until I found a note. It read, "PATRIXXX CANT STEP TO ME". Did LL Cool J's killer also kill EVIL PATRIXXX? Thanks Obama!

March, 1, 2017

Dear Diary,

Sorry for the hiatus. Shit has gotten real when I was gone. The day I found LL Cool J's corpse, I was groped by Bill Cosby. I reported it, but Anita Sarkeesian stabbed me in the leg. I punched her, but I was sent to prison for assault. As I was in prison, I converted to Mormonism. Now I pray every night. The next day, I was released from prison and found Vishnu. I killed him and got my 5 dollars back. To celebrate, I decided to go to the pub and order a diet soda. Then, as I drank it, I realized that I was slipped some roofies. I fell into a deep sleep. When I awoke, I realized that I was in an Illuminati concentration camp. I was scared. So scared that a skeleton popped out of me. Now there I was. A skinless skeletal structure in an Illuminati concentration camp. I had to formulate a plan to escape. Then, I realized that Slender Man was my cellmate. HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! I decided to film a tentacle hentai with him. Then, I asked him to help me escape, and he said, in these exact words, "Okay, you dirty piece of shit." I rode on his back as he stretched past the gates of the concentration camp. As we left, I saw a terrifying face. It was an evil LL Cool J. Then, EVIL PATRIXXX appeared and almost killed the creature I will now dub EVIL LLCOOLJXXX. The creature, however, vanished. Then, like that, I was now in the past. Oh shit. I fucked up really bad.

October 6, 1985

Dear Diary,

[Verse 1]

My radio, believe me, I like it loud

I'm the man with a box that can rock the crowd

Walkin' down the street, to the hardcore beat

While my JVC vibrates the concrete

I'm sorry if you can't understand

But I need a radio inside my hand

Don't mean to offend other citizens

But I kick my volume way past 10

My story is rough, my neighbourhood is tough

But I still sport gold, and I'm out to crush

My name is Cool J, I devastate the show

But I couldn't survive without my radio

Terrorising my neighbours with the heavy bass

I keep the suckas in fear by the look on my face

My radio's bad from the Boulevard

I'm a hip-hop gangster and my name is Todd

Just stimulated by the beat, bust out the rhyme

Get fresh batteries if it won't rewind

Cos I play everyday, even on the subway

I woulda got a summons but I ran away

I'm the leader of the show, keepin' you on the go

But I know I can't live without my radio

[Verse 2]

Suckas on my jock when I walk down the block

I really don't care if you're jealous or not

Cos I make the songs, you sing along

And your radio's def when my record's on

So get off the wall, become involved

All your radio problems have now been solved

My treacherous beats make ya ears respond

And my radio's loud like a fire alarm

The floor vibrates, the walls cave in

The bass makes my eardrums seem thin

Def sounds in my ride, yes the front and back

You would think it was a party, not a Cadillac

Cos I drive up to the ave, with the windows closed

And my bass is so loud, it could rip your clothes

My stereo's thumpin' like a savage beast

The level on my power meter will not decrease

Suckas get mad, cos the girlies scream

And I'm still gettin' paid while you look at me mean

I'm the leader of the show, keepin' you on the go

But I know I can't live without my radio

I'm the leader of the show, keepin' you on the go

And I know I can't live without my radio

[Verse 3]

Don't touch that dial, I'll be upset

Might go into a fit and rip off your neck

Cos the radio's thumpin' when I'm down to play

I'm the royal chief rocker LL Cool J

Let your big butt bounce from right to left

Cos it's a actual fact this jam is def

Most definitely created by me

Goin' down in radio history

I'm good to go on your radio

And I'm cold gettin' paid cos Rick said so

Make the woofers wallop and your tweeters twitch

Some jealous knuckleheads might try to dis

But it's nuthin', ya frontin', ya girl I am stuntin'

And my radio's loud enough to keep you gruntin'

My name is Cool J, I'm from the rock

Circulating through your radio non-stop

I'm lookin' at the wires behind the cassette

And now I'm on the right, standing on the eject

Wearin' light blue Pumas, a whole lotta gold

And jams like these keep me in control

I'm the leader of the show, keepin' you on the go

And I know I can't live without my radio

[Verse 4]

Your energy level starts to increase

As my big beat is slowly released

I'm on the radio and at the jam

LL Cool J is who I am

Imma make ya dance, boogie down and rock

And you'll scratch and shake to my musical plot

And to expand my musical plan

Cut Creator, rock the beat with your hands

That's right, so don't try to front the move

As you become motivated by the funky groove

You can see me and Earl chillin' on the block

With my box cold kickin' with the gangster rock

See people can't stop me, neither can the police

I'm a musical maniac to say the least

For you and your radio I made this for

Cool J's here to devastate once more

Pullin' all the girls, takin' out MCs

If ya try to disrespect me, I just say Please!

Here to command the hip-hop land

Kick it live with a box inside my hand

I'm the leader of the show, keepin' you on the go

But I know I can't live without my radio

Farmers Boulevard, yeah, you know that's where me and E hang out, cool

out, you know what I'm sayin'? That's where the crib's at.

October 6, 1985

Dear Diary,

I did not write that last entry. But maybe I did. Let me explain. As I was walking down the street to the strip club, I fell unconscious. I just woke up today. That was when I realized that I had skin. I wasn't a skeleton now. Surprised, I looked in the mirror to see a most horrible sight.

I am LL Cool J.

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