The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Suicide Cults.exe
It started like any typical day. The sun was shining, radio playing music, Marvel outranking DC. But I could tell.. by the taste in the air... a taste of.... sour buttcheeks.... I could tell this day had some promise. I stood from my bed, which was a cardboard box with a blanket on top for warmth. I wasn't homeless, though sometimes I perfered. I had a very abusive cat named Mr.Pop-tarts, who would lick me until my finger blistered and bled acid blood, and sometimes he would make me consider whether life was worth living.
I walked to my 3ds, enjoying the famous remake, The Legend of Zelda: The Illuminati Pharaoh (a game released only in Alaska back in 1919). I was a Zelda addict. Every game I owned, except my favorite game, Ocarina of Time. I had tried buying it on Ebay, but the user sent me a used condom insted. It wasn't quite a "rip-off" because I was able to resell it to some guy who goes by Mr.CreppehPoostur on Ebay for $1.98, which is more than I make in a year!
While I was playing, anyway, I received a text message on my iPhone 2 from my friend Bill. Bill was a crack addict and often sold me drugs- I mean ZELDA GAMES!!!- for $200.69 each. The text (on right)
read:
"Hey, I just got a new Zelda game from one of my sources. Hop by my place if you want some".
He also mentioned something about drugs, but I ignored that part.
I was estatic. I threw on my Zelda dress- man size of course-, grabbed my plastic master sword that I bought at Walmart when I was in the third grade, threw on a pair of crocs, and rushed down stairs to grab my car keys.
"Where do you think you're going?!" I heard Mr.Pop-tarts shout across the room. I turned my head to see the fiendish cat, in pouncing position and ready to kill. I was not dealing with this shit. Nope, not today! I pulled out my AK, aimed it at Mr.Pop-tarts and breathed in heavily.
"You're not going to shoot me!" He shouted, "You don't have the balls!" This sounded ironic coming from a cat that litterally had no balls, but I refused to laugh. I exhaled and pulled the trigger 854,532,619,358 times, hitting Mr.Pop-tarts 7 times in the knee.
"You may have defeated me now," he studdered under his heavy breathing, "but at least I have a girlfriend."
I held myself steady, though his insult did make me reach for my master sword, instead, I grabbed my $498,204,653.69, took a hit from the bong, and rushed to my segway to head to Bill's shack, under the gamestop.
I met Bill 2 hours later, after I was mugged by a hobo with a gun. He was high on cocaine, obviously, and screamed "HEY IAN!!!" (My name is Ian by the way)"WHY YOU LATE FAM!?! I JUST FINISHED MY GARAGE SALE AND SOLD OFF HALF OF THIS SHIT!"
"Did you save one for me?" I asked, as I reached for my AK in my back pocket.
"NO, FAM!! YOU THINK PEOPLE LIKE ME WAIT FOR NO LIFE BITCHES LIKE YOU WITHOUT GETTING HIGH?!"
"No Bill, I think you misunderstood. I was wondering if you saved the Zelda game for me-"
"Oh that piece of- yea i got it right here." Bill pulled out a cd with the words "The Ledgngen of Zaldeh Cokarina of Suicide Cult" written on it in black marker. I was shocked at the sight- a remade version of Ocarina of Time for the PC was right there in front of my eyes. I was breathing heavily, as if the moon had 3 days before it crashed into my head! (that's a reference you uncultured swine)
I jolted out of my shoes, sreaming "How much is it?!"
"5 bucks." said Bill, "Plus tax, which adds up to $666.66"
Without hesitation, I shot Bill seventeen times in the throat taking the game out of his cold dead hands. As I ran from the crime scene, I had a text conversation with Bill, who suprisingly was not dead after taking so many bullets to the throat.
Bill: That wasn't cool fam.
Me: What the?! How are you even alive?!
Bill: Elementary mother fucker. Anyway, theres something about teh game you should know. The guy who programed it was found dead in his appartment with the game screen showing a wierd image- whatever that even means. So Whatever you do, don't lose! I think you'll die or something. IDK, YOLO 'm I right'?
I ignored this, for I was way too excited to play my new game!
TO BE CONTINUED ON 11-13-14!
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