The Manila Envelope
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NSFW WARNING
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It's been 60 years since I opened that envelope, and I have been living with the screams and the visions ever since then. My name is Manly Sue (My dad hates me) and I'm 75 years old. The horrors of what I've seen have made me incontinent and I can't hold my bowels. I shit myself on a daily basis and every time I do I scream at the pain that that damned envelope put me through, but I guess you didn't need to know that. Anyway, let's start from the beginning.
I was 15 and at home smoking pot and listening to whatever shit they listened to in the 1800's - probably My Chemical Romance or some shit, and my mother came down to ask me to take out the trash. I flipped her off and said "No mom I'm a grown boy now so go away and let me grow this sick neckbeard out to fit my dapper fedora", she was proud, and was all like "Dayummmmm son you a playa" and walked out of the room. Hearing those words made me feel euphoric so I decided to get off my fat ass and see if I could finally fit through the front door...
I couldn't, so I opened the door and asked my mom to drag my couch to the door so that I could wait for the mailman. She did and I sat down, dug up an old dorito chip from underneath the cushion and ate it. Soon after the postman came, and was walking to my front door with his head down, blissfully unaware that my door was open and that I was watching him, when he got to the doorstep he finally looked up and he shouted "HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT!" And I was scared, I quickly looked behind me (well, taking into account that my field of view was obstructed by my cheeks and quad chin) and saw nothing, and I don't think he was talking to me because all the girls think I'm such a charming handsome dude. The mailman was horrified by something anyway, and he threw the mail at me and ran. I told mom to open the mail because my fingers were so fucking pudgy you could block a manhole with it and my swag samurai sword was too honorable to destroy mere paper - only the blood of those who turn me down for a date will taste that blade - and also me because I'm such an edgy cuntlord.
So yeah enough about my swagnessity, I took a manila envelope at random and it said "CONFIDENTIAL" in dark red letters and underneath it said "KONAMI x US GOVERNMENT SECRET AGENDA PLANS" I found that weird, because Konami was my favourite game company, so I opened it and there was a game box which was black and dark red and said "EVEN MORE SILENT HILLS" and I was scared. My heart was pumping rapidly due to high blood pressure and clogged arteries and a bit of fear I guess, and then when I opened it and there was a note that said "LOOK IN YOUR PS4" and I was scared. How did they know I had a ps4? That question scared me the most, so I waddled to my tv and called my mom to push the sofa back quick because I could already feel myself blacking out from over-exerting myself walking. The sofa moved and I sat on it entirely, consuming the armrests with my muscles and kicked the playstation into life with my foot and 420 noscoped the disc into the open tray.
It started, and read "HIDEO KOJIMA'S WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM" and I was spooked solid. It was like they were telling me something, like they knew me. But how? How did Konami know that I was ripped with a sixpack? I took the controllers in my greasy hands and played. There were realistic depictions of gore and gay porn everywhere on the title screen, and then a picture showed up...
IT WAS ME
I screamed, I don't think I could take so much swag without expecting it. I'm horrified for life. I don't know how I can live with myself knowing how much of a great person I am.
This note was found when a 75 year old man waddled up to a police station and said that they needed to put him in prison for being so swag.
He was promptly executed for using "Swag" non-ironically.
THE END.
Written by Leetgrain
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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