The Mouldy Crustacean
Fifteen years ago I was an intern at Nickelodeon.
It was just after Spongebob had entered its dark period. And I saw an episode that never saw the light of day.
Now you may be thinking, "I've heard this one before. How many lost episodes of Spongebob were there anyways?"
The answer.... A lot.
In fact, they had a whole vault dedicated to storing those piles upon piles of accursed Spongebob episodes. The ones people were never meant to see.
One with actual evidence of crime that for some reason we disregarded. One that was actually a simpsons episode. One that infringed on several copyright laws. One with... swearing...
But this one... This one was the one that stuck with me. It was simply known as "The Mouldy Crustacean."
It was set in some kind of alternate universe. The same characters, the same settings, but all with different names.
The episode began as normal, the title card 'The Mouldy Crustacean' popped up. At first, I assumed it had to be referring to some character that would show up in the episode, but the strangeness became clear all too soon.
It opened up in an all too familiar building. The Chum Bucket. But it was dingier, more run down. And it wasn't called the Chum Bucket. Instead, a much plainer sign simply read "The Sea Man Receptacle." Across the street was what could only be the Krust Krab, but similar to the Chum Bucket... It no longer had its original creative and funky name. It now shared its name with the episode title. "The Mouldy Crustacean."
Now the first thing I noticed was that as opposed to the typical digital 2D animation style the series was known for, this episode was made using a strange 3D animation software that I couldn't place. And every model seemed to be significantly more humanoid in nature.
"Hello there! Hello...." Those were the first words that rang out. And they haunt me to this day. The quality of the microphone was extremely subpar. And the actors, If you could even call them that, were clearly inexperienced. Like unpaid extras doing a bad imitation of the classic character voices.
Plankton was played by a young boy who couldn't have been more than 13, as opposed to the great and talented Mr. Lawrence. Larry the Lobster actually sounded more like Plankton than Plankton, come to think of it.
The plot of the episode was simple. Plankton was hiring Larry the Lobster to steal the formula, promising him some sort of indistinct reward in return. I couldn't make it out because of the poor quality of the audio.
The next thing I knew, the familiar bubble transition appeared, and we see what appears to be a poorly constructed version of the Krust E Kreeze made of various wooden bits. As opposed to that familiar old crab trap we all know and love.
Larry runs into the building and, out of nowhere, threatens to blow the entire place up. To the protest of everyone in the building. It was so out of character for him that it made my head spin. Larry was no terrorist chump.
We then cut out of nowhere to what appeared to be a first person view of Mr Krabs, but he is voiced by a depressed sounding young man, as opposed to a bumbling blob of a boomer.
It's not clear what exactly is going on, but he screams things like "Out of my establishment!" at the clearly armed and dangerous lobster.
He then calls on a spiky pink monster that I could only assume was this strange alternate universe's version of Patrick Star. It screeches this infernal screech that shakes me to my core before rushing the lobster man.
It has no limbs or face. Just pink. It seems to float along, waving its stump limbs to move, and punches the crooked crustacean right in his jaw. All the while, Mr Krabs shoots the invincible lobster with an inexplicably large shotgun that was pulled seemingly out of nowhere.
Amongst the overlapping voices and poor mic quality, you can hear Krabs yell "Back demon!"at the infernally powerful Lobster. Despite commanding a literal demon... And eventually the lobster overpowers said starfish demon. Destroying him with a single punch, leading to a powerful explosion.
Finally conceding, Krabs admits there is no formula. He simply leaves the patties out to grow mold overnight.
This makes me gag, I have to struggle not to vomit at the very thought. Why would he poison his customers in such a disgusting manner? And why do they keep COMING BACK?!?!
We transition again, as we see the deformed Larry return to the Chum Bucket. Or... The Seaman Receptacle as it's known in the episode... To finally receive his reward, which is still unclear due to the audio quality.
But from behind, Krabs strikes again with his weird ass shotgun! The singular clear word in the scene is "Bitch!" as he fires straight into Larry's back.
But Larry simply shrugs it off, and goes on the counterattack. He beats the old krab with his bare claws. The krab firing shots all the while... until he runs out of ammo.
In that instant, Larry pulls out a shotgun not unlike the one held by Krabs himself. Weakened, even Krabs' shell can't save him. Larry takes the final shot and kills the aging crustacean.
Plankton mourns his wife, caught in the crossfire.
One final transition.
Larry seeks an inexplicable revenge on this world's Spongebob, for reasons never mentioned prior and never explained beyond that. He destroys both the poor sponge and the Mouldy Crustacean itself. Using his mysterious item to grow to the size of a skyscraper.
But suddenly, an equally large Patrick demon climbs out of the ocean and takes the distracted lobster down.
The song Blister in the Sun, by the Violent Femmes, plays to close out the episode. And we definitely did not have the rights to that.
I knew this episode couldn't go in the vault. It had to be... destroyed. It was disgusting. Evil. Insane.
And clearly some weird fan-made project.
I burned the tape. Got rid of every last trace of it. Or so I thought...
I hear stories of it occasionally. I know it's out there. Somewhere, on the darkest depths of the internet. Like YouTube... This unholy abomination of an episode.
If you find it... never watch The Mouldy Crustacean.
Credited to hawkeren
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