The Muppet Christmas Carol Bootleg Version
Author's note: This story is a funnypasta and is therefore not intended to be taken seriously. With that being said, I hope you enjoy and please make sure to leave your thoughts and feelings in the comment section down below.
Christmas carolling is not all it's bigged up to be ya know? It's pretty fricking terrible if I'm gonna be honest with you. I mean all you do is stand outside in the cold snow and sing hoping that people will give a shilling or a crust of bread. Maybe just a crust of bread. More often than not however; you just end up with a door slammed in your face. Some people can be really mean and send their rabid dogs to chase you down the streets. It's out of control I tell ya! I'll tell you one thing it's just a good job that Christmas only happens once a year.
Now I only started working as a caroller in order to buy a Nintendo Switch. Nintendo Switches might not be that expensive where you're from but from where I'm from they cost like £100,000,000. Bloody ridiculous right? Are those idiots at Nintendo getting lessons from Mr Krabs or something? Sadly, I've made barely any profit from my job as a caroller and only got paid for my services once. Yes only once. The old lady who paid me had no toes. She also owned like 25 cats who made her life quite miserable. Unfortunately, my money was quickly stolen from me after I was mugged by the local mob bosses Honest John and Gideon.
Honest John and Gideon act as the quote on quote owners of the town I live in. They detest Christmas carolling and are trying their upmost best to get Prime Minister Boris Johnson to place a ban on carolling. Thankfully, Mr Johnson is too busy riding on his bicycle in the deserted streets to pay any attention to Honest John and Gideon's plight. A lot of people have given up carolling and singing as a whole thanks to the pair's antics. Whenever, I actually make some decent profit from my singing those two bastards always take it from me. Now Gideon isn't that bad but Honest John he's the biggest scumbag in the world. He also eats like loads of apples like some kind of Mr Parks. So that's how you know he's an arsehole. Also, sometimes they both throw water balloons at me while I attempt to sing Away In A Major to Colonel Dodo.
Along with Honest John and Gideon; one of the other factors of why you shouldn't do carolling is the customers. You think that door to door sales people have it rough? Well oh boy you ain't seen nothing yet! One time, I sang Little Donkey to some dopey dog. After I was done singing the carol, the dopey dog proclaimed, "you have to meet my boy Maxie!" "Huh?" I asked as I was dragged inside the house by the dopey dog. I tried my best to run down out of the house only to get pulled back in by the dopey dog who had managed to catch me in his fishing rod. I then forced to eat rotten fish soup with the dog and his son. It was bloody terrible. The fish was really rotten and was still moving. Sounds really lovely doesn't it?
Another really bad experience I had carolling was when me and my friend Harris were chased down the streets by the Mayor's dogs. The Mayor is on Honest John and Gideon's payroll. Like them, the Mayor also detests carolling and is planning on manipulating Boris Johnson into banning carolling for good. For shame. The Mayor also hates me because I often get food from his head chef Big Boy Boyce. Big Boy Boyce always cooks too much food for the Mayor and his associates, and as such always has tones of food left over. Despite this, Boyce only ever gives me like one chicken leg even though he was an entire fucking banquet left over. "Ah Merry Christmas from his lordship the Mayor!" Boyce would proclaim as he threw me the chicken leg. The chicken leg would be then eaten by a smelly dog named Chilly Charlie. That just adds insult to injury doesn't it pal? I can call you pal right?
Sorry for that massive tangent; but I just wanted to truly emphasise the struggles of being a Christmas caroller to you and your stuck up friends. Now after the incident with the Mayor's dogs, Harris refused to go carolling with me anymore. So I was forced to ask my friend Brenton to accompany me. Brenton agreed happily as he had never gone carolling before. I also didn't bother to tell Brenton about the dangers of carolling. Why? Well because quite frankly I wanted to see him suffer. Also, Brenton is super religious and works as a bishop at the local church. Don't know why I feel inclined to tell you that. I just do I guess.
Brenton however turned out to be a good luck charm of sorts. As we both were able to earn loads of bread crusts from the people we sang to. Even the miserable lady with no toes gave us some crust. If we got any more crust I'd have enough to make a full loaf of bread. Along the way, we were intercepted by an incredibly fat charity collector and his lesser but still fat friend. "I want to buy the poor some meat and drink and means of warmth. What might I put you down for?" The collector asked as he pulled out a small black notepad. "Nothing." I said as the collector asked, "you uh wish to remain a hippopotamus?" "I wish to be left alone!" I cried angrily as I pushed the collector out of the way. He looked really shocked while his friend meanwhile just looked smelly. The friend didn't speak either likely because he knew disagreeing with his friend's motives would lead to him getting eaten. How pathetic.
Anyways after the scuffle with those two charity collectors, we eventually reached the Mayor's Manor which lies in the very centre of the town. I tried my best to spurn Brenton away from the Manor but he having absolutely none of it. "Come on George it's easy!" Brenton cried as he began knocking on the door. It was the Mayor himself who answered the door, and he didn't look very happy to see me again. "What are you doing back here boyio? I told you never to come back here!" The Mayor barked in his gruff voice as Brenton sang, "well we've been East and West and now we're back again!"
The Mayor lit himself a cigar as he said, "well I'll tell you something boyio your friend here has got some balls." He then continued with, "well if my lovely pets aren't enough to get you stay away then maybe this is." The Mayor then pulled a DVD from his ass. He handed the DVD to Brenton before shutting the door tight behind him. "What is it?" I asked as Brenton handed me the DVD. "It's the Muppets!" Brenton proclaimed happily like some kind of Spyro The Dragon. Brenton wasn't lying, I looked the DVD over. It was the Muppet Christmas Carol. I was so overjoyed! It's my favourite Christmas movie ever made. Now I would give you a plot summary but I'm lazy, So type it in on Google and then look it up on Wikipedia.
The cover was normal as was the back. It looked like the regular DVD. Little did I know how wrong I was. Suddenly, the door to the Manor opened again as the Mayor appeared on the scene. "Can you two fuck off already?" The Mayor asked as I responded with, "My Mayor we'd just like to..." I was rudely cut off as the Mayor yelled, "Boyce release the bee bear!" "Not the bee bear!" I cried in despair before continuing with, "but it's Christmas!" "Christmas is a bah humbug if you ask me!" The Mayor then laughed evily as he slammed the door shut. That's when the bee bear hybrid appeared from behind us. "I'm a Bee Bear you can call me you can zap me cause you know I love your honey!" The hybrid sang as it chased us all the way home.
Arriving back at my house, I slammed the door shut and barricaded it so that the hybrid couldn't get it. The hybrid is a nasty little thing which sings in a horribly horrible gruff voice. Thankfully, the hybrid eventually got tired of slamming into the door and decided to fuck off back to the Mayor's place. I told Brenton to set the DVD up while I made us some cups of hot chocolate in the kitchen. I should also mention that my house was severely lopsided and was located on the very outskirts of my town. In fact, my house is so lopsided that you constantly feel like you're falling. So while I was making the hot chocolates, Brenton meanwhile busied himself by putting the disc into my Xbox 360 because I don't own a damn DVD player. Well shit.
I came back into the living room holding the drinks and handed Brenton his. I sat down on the sofa next to Brenton as we both turned our attention towards the TV. However nothing happened.. Now at first I thought the DVD was broken, and that the Mayor had given us a broken DVD as a joke. Thankfully, it eventually started with no commercials or even a main menu. Not that I minded anyway. It meant we could get straight into the film
The film started off weirdly. Instead of Kermit's face appearing on the screen it was Rap Rat! "Busted! Busted!" Rap Rat yelled in his wickedly wicked voice as the movie cut to show the opening of the film. The music just wasn't right. It sounded very badly done as if it was done by a cat or something. There was also no snow instead it was raining, and none of the Muppet's names were listed in the opening credits.
The film eventually showed Gonzo and Rizzo attempting to sell apples as normal, Gonzo then decided that he would tell Rizzo the story of A Christmas Carol by pretending he was Charles Dickens. Seems to be going back to normal that was of course until Ebenezer Scrooge showed up on the scene. Well it wasn't Michael Caine playing Scrooge. No my friends it was none other than Big Shaq. "Yo Big Shaq ting and ting." Big Shaq sang as he made his way down the streets of London towards Scrooge & Marley's.
Arriving at Scrooge & Marley's, Scrooge or Big Shaq as I will continue to refer to him as from now on was visited by his nephew Fred who was now replaced by Freddy Krueger. Kruger began slashing and killing all of Shaq's bookmakers with the exception of Kermit of course. "Nice hearing from ya Carlos!" Freddy proclaimed after gutting one of the bookmakers. That's when Doctor Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker appeared on the scene to ask Shaq for money. Now Beaker was normal but Honeydew was now a pea. An actual green pea you'd have to eat with your fish and chips. "Are there no prisons or workhouses?" Shaq asked if this was normal. Suddenly, Beaker's neck began to elongate and rose it to be high as the sky.
I then asked for Brenton to turn the film off but he refused. "Why should we stop watching?" Brenton asked. "Well it's not right is it? That bastard Mayor probably gave us a dodgy copy." "Why would he do that?" Brenton asked as I responded with, "so he can scare us into giving Carolling up for good. Like he did with Harris." At moment, Harris walked in but was so disgusted by Beaker's giraffe neck that he ended up dying on the spot. Poor old Harris.
I sipped on my hot chocolate as the film then cut to the part where Shaq arrives at his house. However, Jacob Marley's face doesn't appear on the door knocker and as such Gonzo doesn't pass out from Marley's screaming. Big Shaq then made his way upstairs caring not a button for the darkness. Ha! Shaq then sat down in his recording studio? He then began rapping with, "2 plus 2 is 4 minus 1 that's 3 quick maths!" I began groaning into my Mickey Mouse mug as the Marley Brothers appeared on the scene. "Why do you come of me?" Shaq asked as the Marley Brothers said, "uh me no know."
The screen did an awkward cut to Big Shaq going to bed. He ended up waking up two seconds later as the Ghost of Christmas Past appeared on the scene. It was not the ghost from the original film however; no it was Shaq's girlfriend who looks like a pickled onion. Shaq's girlfriend who I will just call Pickled from now on took Shaq to the past. Oddly, Gonzo and Rizzo were not accompanying them. No instead they were accompanied by Beeker and his disgusting giraffe neck of all people.
Arriving in the past, Big Shaq and Pickled made their way towards a Californian Hotel. Arriving at the hotel, the pair then proceeded to make their way towards the swimming pool where MT Bar once sun lounged many moons ago. Even longer now than it seems. So sad. Anyways, Shaq and Pickled then saw Shaq's past self being asked by Pickled to take his damn coat off. "Babe man's not hot!" Shaq proclaimed as Past Pickled as well as present day Pickled both pulled a disgusted face which smelt of pickled onions. The smell was so bad you could actually smell it through the television. I pulled Brenton's barrater off his head and began vomiting violently into it as the screen then changed to show Big Shaq and Pickled arriving at Fozzy Wig's Christmas party.
The party was normal for the most part. This was until Fozzy Wig's undercover lover accidentally fell into a huge bathtub of wine. "Well done ha well done!" Fozzy laughed. Also, Fozzy's voice was incredibly gruff sounding. It sounded like someone who had been smoking for over 9000 years! Also, the undercover lover began sobbing heavily as one of the attendants of the party was none other than some alumni from the Northwestern Medical School, Tonight was the lover's only chance of impressing them but he ended up being a clown. He will never ever get to go to Northwestern now. So sa.... well actually no it was his fault in the first place for jumping into the tub of wine. Fucking crisp packets am I right? Don't answer that cause I'm always right.
I handed Brenton his barrater back as the screen then transitioned to show Past Pickled telling Past Big Shaq about how she no longer loved him. Pickled then turned into an actual pickled onion as Present day Big Shaq said, "I tell em babe man's not hot!" With that, Big Shaq was then shown alone in his room again.
This is of course when the Ghost of Christmas Present showed up. Thankfully, he was normal and wasn't played by someone else. The Ghost of Christmas Present and Shaq made their way onto the streets. The Ghost of Christmas Present then sang It Feels Like Christmas as normal. Finally, things seemed to be going back to normal. That's when the ghost brought Shaq to see how Kermit and his family celebrated Christmas.
Inside the house, Miss Piggy was shown cooking something in the fireplace. It didn't look right. I don't know exactly what it was but it definitely wasn't a Christmas goose I'll tell you that much! Miss Piggy then stopped the cooking of the thing as Kermit and Robin appeared on the scene. "The goose! The goose!" Robin proclaimed as he made his way towards the kitchen table which had the goose sitting on top of it. Kermit then proceeded to throw Robin onto the floor as he yelled, "you wait till we've set the table you little bullocks!" Kermit then proceeded to make himself a cup of tea. He drank the tea down and sighed heavily before saying, "damn this tea though." Robin then began coughing violently into a nearby McDonalds brand tissue but no one did anything to help him. The sick bastards.
This is when Shaq and the Ghost of Christmas Present parted ways. Now what was a sad and heartfelt moment in the actual film was instead replaced by the ghost getting gunned down by some gangsters. Big Shaq didn't seem to mind as he was engulfed in a cloud of smoke. The smoke eventually parted enough for Big Shaq to come face to face with his final visitor. The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. He looked like he should have done as well. Thank goodness for that.
Big Shaq and The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come arrived on a small street corner where they saw pigs talking about how a man has just died. "It's a likely to be a very cheap funeral. Can't imagine a single soul who'd go to it." One of the pigs joked. "Well I wouldn't mind going." One of the other pigs said as his friends cried, "what!?" "If lunch is provided!" The pig laughed however none of his piggy brethren laughed at the joke, No instead, they all just stared at him awkwardly for about twenty minutes. Believe me I checked my watch.
Big Shaq was then shown some weird monster hybrid Muppets selling his stuff to a street peddler named Joe. "Oh Mrs Duper these are still warm!" Joe proclaimed happily as he began rubbing his grubby face all over Shaq's McDonalds brand tissues. "Yo ghost show me something uplifting and ting." Shaq said as the ghost then took him to see Kermit's house once again. Big Shaq made his way over to the living room window, and peered in.
Kermit and his family were shown lazing around having just finished eating their Christmas dinner. Miss Piggy then turned to face Kermit and said, "I'm so glad Tiny Tim is dead right Bob?" Kermit did his trademark nod for a good 9000 hours. Once again believe me I checked my watch. "With Tiny Tim dead, we can finally afford to get that bowling alley added in his bedroom." Kermit explained as the screen then cut to show Robin's chair which had the weird bee bear hybrid sitting on it.
Big Shaq and the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come then arrived at the graveyard where Shaq made his way towards a tombstone. He wiped the snow covering the stone as he cried, "I can't read!" He then ran up to the ghost and asked, "what does it say bruv me can't read ya know? Whose grave is it ya know and ting?" The ghost then took off his hood to reveal it's true form. It was none other than Big Pete who appears to be doing quite well for himself ever since his Christmas tree lot got burnt down. "Why yours Big Shaq!" Big Pete proclaimed happily as he pushed Shaq into the hole which lay underneath the tombstone. "The richest rapper in the cemetery!" Pete laughed heavily as Shaq began falling towards his empty casket. He fell and fell some more all the while screaming for Big Pete to get him a bag of chips.
Big Shaq then woke up in his room alive and well. He looked out the window and sighed happily. He made his way to Kermit's house accompanied by his Muppet entourage. Arriving at the house, Shaq knocked on the door six times before Kermit finally showed up to answer It. "Can I come in rude boy?" Shaq asked as he made his way inside the house before Kermit could even give him his answer.
Big Shaq then proceeded to sit down at the table along with the other Muppets as Miss Piggy placed the Christmas feast down onto the table. It wasn't Christmas turkey. It wasn't even goose. It was fucking frog! Kermit and his family were cannibals. There wasn't just one frog either. It was a huge banquet of the little buggers. Shaq picked one up and shoved into his huge mouth as he said, "tastes like ironsides." Everyone laughed at the joke. Even though it made no fricking sense. Everyone then began tucking into Kermit and his family's cannibal dinner. Meanwhile, Gonzo was shown finishing telling the story to Rizzo who asked, "and Tiny Tim?" "Oh and Tiny Tim... who did die!" "Well isn't that swell?" Rizzo proclaimed happily as the film then ended with no credits. My Xbox 360 then blew up. I guess it just couldn't handle this disaster of a motion picture, and well can you blame it really?
I was heartbroken but Brenton didn't seem to mind. In fact, he was smirking a wicked smirk. "What are you smirking about?" I asked curiously as Brenton responded with, "oh don't you see the Mayor needs us terribly?" "What are you talking about?" I asked. "Just follow my lead." Brenton said as we made our way outside onto the streets. We made our way down the road where we got intercepted by the incredibly fat charity collector from earlier. His silent friend wasn't there anymore as the collector had eaten him as he was very fat after all. "Merry Christmas Sir!" Brenton proclaimed happily as he then continued with, "about the donation you asked me for yesterday. Put me down for nothing." The collector absolutely gobsmacked as he asked, "my dear Mr Brenton that much!?" We then pushed the fucking collector out of the way as we made our way towards the Mayor's Manor.
Arriving at the Manor, we stood on the doorstep and began singing Christmas Carols to our hearts content. The Mayor answered the door and seemed bizarrely out of character. He was incredibly happy. The Mayor then said, "George and Brenton would you two like to enjoy me for a lovely Christmas dinner on this fine Christmas morning?" "Not really." I said as we forced to enter the house by Boyce.
We had ourselves a lovely banquet of a Christmas dinner. It was so much food and I asked one of the Mayor's friends if I could take some home in a doggy bag. "No you can't!" The friend then began laughing hysterically. I wanted to punch that prick right in his hook nose. Appranately, we had been watching that DVD longer than we thought we had done. Last night was Christmas Eve, and like Big Shaq, the Mayor was visited by three ghosts. The ghosts basically told the Mayor to pack it in and to stop being such a fucking douche. The words of those three ghosts had changed the Mayor's view on carolling. He had Honest John and Gideon assassinated and made into soup by Boyce. He had also just given a small loan of a million pounds over to the collector. Isn't that swell? Well not really anyone can give money to charity just to make themselves look good.
Sadly, the Mayor ended up relapsing to his old ways and had my house blown up by Boyce. Why had the Mayor gone back to his evil Christmas hating ways so suddenly? Well I'm not really sure to be honest with you. I think the Mayor realised that being a nice guy just doesn't pay but being on TV? Yeah that pays. Wink. With my house gone, I now live inside a packet of Walkers Extra Crunchy Crisps. I'm still carolling even to this day. I even carol not long after Christmas has been and gone. I just want a crust of bread. Maybe just a crust of bread. Brenton meanwhile has moved to California to start up a band called The Pope's Boys, So perhaps society is to blame.
Also, if you're wondering how I'm able to write this down. I still held onto my laptop. I was actually given a choice by the Mayor before he blew up my house. Lose my house or lose my laptop. I easily made the right decision. I mean no laptop? It's not like can I just go to Argos and buy another one is it? Anyways, I'm getting pretty tired so we'll end it here. Just remember; people who achieve redemption are always prone to relapsing into their old habits. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes! So if you ever see a caroller singing on your doorstep. Throw a brick at him or her. Tell them that they should move down to Hollywood where Muriel plays piano while they still can. If you do all that then maybe just maybe we can have peace.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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