The Mysterious Shmup
Just a note, this is possibly the shittiest pasta I've ever made.
no bully pls :^(
The Dank Web
It was just one of those days - I was incredibly bored, nothing to do but go 9gag and look up some dank-ass memes to get me hard.
But today was slightly different, the memes were all too boring, image macros, unfunny gifs, degenerate furries not yiffing in hell; I couldn't get my meme fix for the day.
So I had an idea, I had heard days previously from a friend about this secret online club (a "message board"), everyone posting had to remain anonymous, and many posts were plots planning evil world domination via methods known as "the happening" or "redpills". It was like an internet hate machine. These message boards were branded with a /baph/, named after an evil satanist symbol that has been known to be used by many hax0rs who like to honk their evil satanist horns. Needless to say, I was desperate enough for entertainment that I felt the need to enter these dark bowels of the series of tubes. It was very dank and musty.
The Fanfic
On this message board there was a specific thread that caught my eye, it was one of those "greentexts stories", you know the ones, with their "nice boats" and "sweaty towel maymays".
It was a Touhou fan fiction about Raisins Dongeen, but something about it sent shivers down my spine. The image attached appeared to be Raisins, but something was... different. As I stared deep into her Raisin eyes I realized she was missing eyeballs, there was only empty sockets with blood slowly dripping out. The image then slowly started to morph, deform, and warp in weird ways, before halting and turning into a link: [REDACTED][1] (the link is too spooky for humankind, it's unnatural satanic goat sacrificial shit my gringo ~desu).
The link brought me to a well-designed geocities page with marquees and <blink> tags, it was Chris Chan's downloads page for his personal website. One of those links led to a ROM download for Touhou 6.9: Blood Scarlet (the unreleased game Zun refuses to mention, probably because he's seriously hammered).
Surprisingly, it was a ROM for the Vii, which wasn't even released in 2001! So clearly this was the work of some demonic being such as Vince the /baph/ole. I booted up the ROM in an emulator in a VM that was behind 7 proxies so I wouldn't get v&.
The ROM
When I saw what came next, I couldn't take it; my palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms of spaghetti.
Unlike normal Touhou vidya, this one just started with a blank screen for 5 seconds, before "⑨" appeared all over the screen for a split second. Then came Cirno's blood-curdling laugh, followed by an image of Ben Garrison and simply the text "Game Start".
When I started the game, all of a sudden a song started playing[2], it spooked me real bad, I nearly had an heart attack. The game suddenly started on Lunatic Ultra Hyper Insane mode with over 9000 cancerous danmaku raining from the heavens as Remilla proclaimed "BOW DOWN TO YOUR TRUE GOD"... I felt a shiver down my spine.
I began involuntarily kneeling very slowly to the ground without giving it thought, I was mentally paralyzed - the spooky image of a magical MILF vampire's face had been implanted into my retina. My eyes started to bleed green, then purple, then rainbow, then invisible and then x-ray coloured.
As I was getting very triggered I realized that I could use this situation to my advantage, my hotpocket-loaded fedora was on the ground. My vision slowly drifted to the fedora as I heard a distant cry "no, not my weakness".
Snapping out of it, I quickly whipped out my fedora, and tipped it as the now amorphous hotpockets spewed out of it and engulfed my swank new monitor, I would have to get a new one, but that wasn't the issue at hand.
Last Chance
Lasers were coming out of my eyes at this point, I was reaching maximum euphoric capacity. The lens flares were ripping holes in the fabric of space-time.
I tried to quickly reverse polarity before my levels of based surpassed that of Lil' B, but it was too late.
The hax0rs used this opportunity to take some steroids before dropping the beat and injecting their password app into the kernel of the root password database servers, and ostensibly becoming the masked man known only as "the cuck" - and infecting my computer with a virus, then defacing my 9gag with gay sex pictures.
My life was in ruins, I gave in as the hax0rs had their last laugh and preformed surprise buttsecks on my sys32. My comp blew up and so did I.
The only problem in this story lies with one factor, if I am kill... then who was the anon who rolled trips?
References
Written by Epicerminer
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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