The Night Jack Skellington Attacked
What the fuck?
When the FUCK are you supposed to watch the Nightmare Before Christmas? Do you watch it at Halloween? Or do you watch it at Christmas? Are you supposed to watch it BEFORE Christmas? It does say before fuckin' Christmas, after all. Halloween is before Christmas, but you know what else is before fuckin' Christmas? Christmas Eve, which is basically just Christmas except that red fatass Santa Claus hasn't gotten on his fucking death machine sleigh and dropped off like 20 billion fuckin' presents. Why does Santa give more to rich kids than poor kids, anyway?
You know what, fuck Santa, that fat fuckin' reindeer abusing fuckin' sled fuckin' oaf. Anyone over the age of like fuckin' 12 knows there's no such thing as Santa Claus anyways. After all, I found out at 7 years old after my brother put fuckin' miralax into the milk and cookies and my grandpa ended up on the toilet all day.
Anyway, I decided to watch the Nightmare Before Christmas at Halloween, because it scared the shit out of my when they showed the previews at the Disney Store. I literally shit my pants and the employees had to throw out a couple of Finding Nemo stuffed animals because they got shit on them.
THAT was fuckin' disgusting. I got banned from the Disney Store thanks to it happening.
Y'know what, who fuckin' cares about the Disney Store. All they sell is fuckin' overpriced-ass stiff SHIT. I went to a nearby Target, bought a pack of frozen fuckin' meatballs, and threw 'em right through the fuckin' projector screen the Disney Store puts their fuckin' movies on. It's amazing what the fuckin' tensile strength of frozen meatballs is. Those shits fuckin' ANNIHILATED the Disney Store screen. At that point the cops got called and I ran like a psycho into a Hot Topic, which was a fuckin' stupid idea because the police are always arresting people at Hot Topic, mainly for the cocaine the cops shove up your ass so they can keep getting those sweet, sweet taxpayer dollars.
Anyway, besides that fuckin' bull-SHIT, I still like Disney. And since it's near Halloween, I wanted to watch the Nightmare Before Christmas, but it was hard to get a hold of, since I was also banned from Target, Best Buy, Walmart, Circuit City, which doesn't even FUCKIN' exist anymore, Family Video, Barnes and Noble, Bed Bath and Beyond, Toys R's Us, Babies R' Us, GameStop, Taco Bell, Mattress Firm, IKEA, the Apple Store, Michael's Arts and Crafts, Hobby Lobby, as well as SeaWorld Aquarium for screaming at the fuckin' fish for 72 consecutive hours.
I figured by this point, I might as well just stick it to the man and download the fuckin' movie off the internet. I'm not gonna name the site I used, but I found a copy of the film that seemed to be legitimate and downloaded it. Only once the file had already started downloading did I notice the full filename was "The Nightmare Before Christmas: Jack's Attack."
Well, that's was bizzare, but I figured it might have just been the title in the United Kingdom or something (you know how it is), and so I didn't think much of it.
Anyways, the movie finished downloading, and loaded it into a USB, plugged it into my TV, got comfortable on my sofa, and pressed play.
Instantly, the most OBNOXIOUS FUCKING SOUND I have EVER heard came BLASTING out of my speakers, nearly causing me to jump out of my seat.
What the FUCK?
Then the movie opened as usual on the song "This is Halloween", but while the visuals were mostly the same, the music was replaced with a 6-minute rap song about the fucking Travis Scott Meal at McDonald's. Instead of the usual Halloween decorations in this scene, there were fucking burgers and fries drenched in shitty McDonald's barbecue sauce everywhere.
The opening lyrics went something like this:
"Yo bitch, it's time to go bitch, To get the fuckin' Travis Scott Meal fo' sho' bitch With the mothafuckin' fries You're gonna mothafuckin' die When the barbecue sauce hits You'll take a massive shit Yeah the flavor never ends But your asshole will not survive the cleanse"
At one point, the rapping abruptly cut out and a bunch of fuckin' skeletons turned their heads directly towards the screen and started fucking SHRIEKING as an EXTREMELY loud death metal rock song played.
After this, the fucking rapping continued as normal as if the skeleton scene had never happened.
We then see the scene where Jack Skellington appears, but instead of rising out if whatever green goo he normally comes out of, he started rising out of a fuckin' vat of shitty barbecue sauce covered in McDonald's coupons.
What the HELL? First off, the Travis Scott Meal was introduced at McDonald's in 2020, and this movie came out in 1993! This must've been some kind of prank or edit that had been made relatively recently. Also, what was with the fucking McDonald's advertisements in the first place? Did they pay for this shit?
Jack Skellington sounded a bit weird. I mean, he didn't sound TOTALLY off from the original, but someone was clearly dubbing his voice. He sounded kind of like Ernie from Sesame Street, except a bit deeper.
"Hey, you're that guy who shit his pants in the Disney Store!" Jack said as he looked directly at me through the screen.
What the fuck? How did he know about that?
"Remember these, mothafucka?" he said as his voice abruptly changed to a gangsta tone and he held up a bag of frozen meatballs.
Jack then started doing some voodoo shit with his hands as this weird green gas started filling the screen and the movie continued as if that part had never happened.
We then see the Mayor of Halloween Town. He was trying to make a fucking TikTok video on his phone.
Suddenly, Jack came BARRELLING through Halloween Town driving a monster truck.
"BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEP!" Jack SCREAMED as he came SMASHING through a nearby building, causing it collapse.
The Mayor suddenly turned around, unhinged his FUCKING jaw, and opened his mouth to a disturbingly large size.
"YOU RUINED MY FUCKING TIK TOK!" he SCREECHED at an uncomfortably high volume, his mouth still open to an unholy degree.
Instead of responding, Jack started dancing to some shitty Maroon 5 remix.
We then see Doctor Finkelstein in his laboratory or whatever, but he REALLY sounded like a gang member.
"Man, FUCK these fuckin' mothafuckas and shit." Finkelstein said as he started loading a fucking gun and spinning like an idiot in his wheelchair.
"You know, a fuckin' fly lands on some old guy's head and everybody's all like HOLY SHIT, but I build a fucking ragdoll woman in my basement and nobody gives a fuck." he continued.
Well, personally, I wasn't a fan of Finkelstein keeping a woman in his basement, the fuckin' creep.
"Yo, Sally? SALLY! YO, WHAT THE FUCK?" Finklestein yelled as his words echoed throughout the halls. "Where the FUCK are you?"
We see Sally, who was listening to some weird heavy metal anime shit with AirPods in.
"SALLY! CAN YOU FUCKIN' HEAR ME? TURN THAT SHIT OFF!" Finklestein SCREAMED.
Sally couldn't hear a single fucking word he said.
Finklestein then aimed his gun and shot the fucking AirPods out of Sally's ears.
Sally WHIRLED around abruptly and yelled "What the FUCK?" in a fucking man's voice for some reason.
"Turn the fucking TV on, Sally! I WANT TO WATCH THE SUPER BOWL!" Finklestein SHRIEKED and HOWLED.
"What the FUCK is the Super Bowl, Doctor?" Sally asked.
Suddenly, Finklestein started laughing like a fucking maniac and pointing towards the screen. "Why don't you ask the man on the other side of the TV, Sally? I'm sure HE knows what the Super Bowl is!"
Ok, how the hell was this happening? How was this fucking movie talking to me through the fucking screen?
"Do you play any sports? Maybe you should, so you can GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS!" Finklestein yelled at me somehow. "Everyone's a fuckin' sports fan until their fat ass has to play some fuckin' sports. Like, damn!" Finklestein said, still sounding like a gang member.
Sally then turned around and suddenly had a large, bushy red beard somehow.
"Shut the FUCK up!" she SCREAMED at Finklestein in a thick Irish accent before jumping out the window and flying away like fucking Supergirl.
We then see Jack Skellington again, but he was sitting on a...
fucking frozen meatball.
"That's right, I'm sitting on a meatball! What the FUCK are you gonna do about it?" Jack SCREAMED at the screen.
"You like throwing meatballs in the Disney Store, don't you, asshole?" Jack said. "Well, what if I throw meatballs at YOU?"
Jack then picked up the giant fucking meatball he was sitting on and threw it at the screen, causing an incredibly loud fuckin' BANG.
"It costs a LOT of fuckin' money to run the Disney Store, y'know? And you go and throw your FUCKIN' meatballs, just to break shit. What an asshole."
"Uh, I'm sorry?" I said to the screen, not thinking Jack could, y'know, actually hear me.
"Oh, you're sorry? You're FUCKIN' SORRY? It's a little late for that SHIT, ASSHOLE!"
My living room suddenly began to fuckin' reek of meatballs. How was any of this shit even happening? Who the fuck made this shit, the CIA?
Suddenly, everything fuckin' froze as Dr. Eggman from Sonic Adventure 2 appeared on my screen and started fucking SCREAMING about how he was going to release the quote "private bathroom tapes" of every American on Earth taking a shit unless the President personally mailed Eggman his own shit tape along with 40 million dollars.
What the FUCK? I could personally feel my own sanity slipping down the FUCKIN' tubes the more Eggman ranted. His expression got more and more angry and his face started to turn bright pink from how hard he was screaming. I was honestly half-expecting him to fuckin' stroke out and vomit foam and pills all over the fuckin' table, but instead he started screaming directly at ME about how he was gonna film my quote "greatest shits" as a fuckin' Beatles Greatest Hits album appeared on screen, except it said "The Beatles: Greatest Shits" on it.
Eggman just wouldn't stop screaming. It felt like a fuckin' eternity. At one point he stood up, ripped the fuckin' keyboard off the computer he was sitting at, and SMASHED his fuckin' face thru the damn thing, bursting keys everywhere and leaving several cuts on his nose. He then performed a fuckin' DDT on his computer, SHITTILY destroying the piece of SHIT and causing the SHITTY fuckin' footage to SHIT out.
What the FUCK was that all about?
Suddenly, I got a notification on my phone from the ADT Security App.
"Intruder Alert- Back Door. Proceed with caution."
It couldn't be.
Jack FUCKIN' Skellington came BURSTING into my house with a bag of fuckin' frozen meatballs.
"No FUCKING WAY!" I screamed in horror. Jack Skellington was FUCKING REAL?
"TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC, ASS LICKER!" Jack Skellington HOWLED as started throwing meatballs at me at an impossible speed.
"Jack, stop!" I screamed, but it was no use. He just kept throwing his fuckin' meatballs at me.
Suddenly, I felt a MASSIVE lurch in my stomach as Eggman fuckin' CRASHED through my roof with a camera.
"Start shitting, asshole." Eggman said in a deep, uncharacteristic voice.
I fuckin' SCREAMED and blacked out.
I woke up in the hospital.
"Sir, you've been unconscious for exactly 69 hours." said the doctor.
"Sixty Ni- are you fuckin' kidding me?" I said. "It couldn't have been 68 or 70, huh? It had to be fuckin' 69. Of course it fuckin' did."
"That's right." The doctor said. "It fuckin' did."
Suddenly, I realized that the doctor was Jack Skellington.
"Jack, what the fuck are you doing?" I said.
Jack looked straight at me.
"Anal ass."
Jack then attempted to surgically implant frozen meatballs into my fucking rectum.
I tried to scream for help to the nurse outside the room, but the nurse was fuckin' Dr. Eggman.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO START SHITTING!" screamed "Nurse Eggman". I kicked that fucker in his fucking face, LEAPT off the operating table, causing meatballs to soar out of my ass at a supersonic rate, and fucking bodyslammed Jack Skellington into the nearest shelf.
"MORT!" a disembodied female voice barked as everything cut to black.
When I woke up again, I was sitting on top of a fucking tour bus, but the driver was Jack Skellington and all the passengers were fucking frozen meatballs strapped into little chairs. Jack turned a corner and I slammed straight into a fucking sign. Honestly, hitting that sign was fucking bliss. I'd rather smack my fucking head on that fucking sign then ever deal with Jack Skellington ever again.
Jack Crashed into a fucking telephone booth and the little meatballs sprouted fuckin' Xenomorph mouths and screamed in angry men's voices as they went flying out of their seats, smacking straight into Jack and giving him fuckin' meatball eyes.
At this point, Eggman's limp, dead, stroke'd out corpse came crashing through the fuckin' truck window, crushing Jack and causing his fuckin' body to burst apart like a FUCKIN' toy.
Ronald Reagan then rose out of the fuckin' ground, burnt the shit tapes to a crisp, and released an astral burst of shitty gas that fuckin' stunk out the cosmos before finally disintegrating Jack's fuckin' body.
A Shrekerino Oñio.
A Shrike KaChike.
A big fuckin' ba-blow Ka-chow-
LIGHTNING MCQUEEN FROM CARS APPEARED SMEARING HIS FUCKING FACE EVERYWHERE AND TALKING IN A UNINTELLIGIBLY LOUD VOLUME. MEGAPHONE EMOJIS AND SHIT ERUPTED EVERYWHERE.
But at least Jack's Attack is over.
Credited to Chimichangar
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