The Obviously Original Theory Concerning Eyeless Jack That Has Nothing To Do With Tampons Whatsoever

I know you all think that Eyeless Jack lost his eyes when a cat stabbed him in the eyes with a tampon, but it's not true. Tampons are a cat's kryptonite and it is physically impossible for a cat to use one in any way, shape or form.

Here's the real story, in all its glorious realness.

Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom, a king and queen were sad because they couldn't have a baby. Maleficent tried to help them out, using a magic spell to improve Queen Kierritta's likelihood of getting pregnant, but everyone was mean to her and chased her away. Actually, in the real story, she didn't even have a name. DId you know that? No, you didn't. You also didn't know about the prince's ogress stepmother who demands to eat Briar Rose's children.

Anywho, the result of that spell was a healthy baby boy they named Jack for some reason. Jack was a very happy little boy, but he had one little problem: he ripped out people's livers and ate them. Otherwise, he was perfectly normal, but nooooo, the villagers said he was "evil" and that eating the servants' livers was "wrong" and that his collection of marbles "wasn't even that impressive". So, the king and queen threw Jack out and pretended they hadn't had a child ever, moping around until the precious Briar Rose was born somehow.

Jack lived his life normally, eating the occasional liver when he wasn't working as a lumberjack. Then his stupid little sister finally turned sixteen and fell into a deep sleep. Jack fell asleep along with her because illuminati.

However, Jack didn't wake up until 2010, and it appeared that a squirrel had eaten his eyes and used his skull as a place to store nuts. Embarrassed, he stole a homeless guy's blanket and made himself a blue mask.

That's when he knew something had happened.

When he ate the homeless man's liver, he wanted to vomit; it was no longer the delicious morsel he had so fondly remembered. Horrified, he began digging through the bloody carcass, searching for a delectable organ. Heart? No. Stomach? No. Skin? No. Eyeballs? No. Testicles? Ewwww... no! Kidneys?

Jack's eyes would've exploded had they still been in his head.

Kidneys were the most delicious thing he had ever tasted.

Delighted with his newest discovery, he went to spread the word of how wonderful kidneys are. And by that I mean he eats people's kidneys. Don't look behind you.

Or the skeleton will pop out.

Naw, just kidding! It's actually Eyeless Jack. He's here for your kidneys.

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