The PG Tip Chronicles
Oh yes that is a splendiparous cup of tea! Ahem! Now if I were to ask you what your favourite brand of tea was, the chances are you'd said something like Tetley Tea or Yorkshire Tea or God forbid Tesco branded teabags. Ew! How could you even think to sink that low? We all know quite clearly that PG Tips are the best tea in the entire world. Yes in the entire world not just in the United Kingdom. Everyone needs to get off from their tea high horse and just drink PG Tips from now until the end of time. It's only the drink that this smelly world of ours needs. But let me ask you something about PG Tips. Did you ever think about how the company came to be? How it grew to become the most successful brand of tea ever? Well, believe it or not it's quite a funny but at the same time emotional tale full of more twists and turns than an old country road. We'll also be discussing how the company's primary mascots Monkey and Al came to become best friends until things became more than a little dicey in more ways than one shall we say. The PG Tips company was founded in the 1930's back when the world was new and back when the world wasn't made of bricks and no one had to pay for air! Back in the 1930's, tea bag sales were at an all time low as a result of The Great Depression. Many street hoodlums had made some pretty big bucks from selling tea bags on the street at a quarter a pop. Those teabags will pay for themselves in no time. I'll be honest much like many companies, it took some time for PG Tips to find it's footing and surprisingly their origin story is quite boring so we'll skip that part and discuss the company's mascots prior to Al and Monkey; the Tipps Family and The T-Birds. My name is Igor, and welcome to the PG Tips Files.
Before there was Monkey, there was the Tipps Family a family of chimpanzees who were actually forced to drink tea during the advertisements. The Tipps Family were not treated very well as in one advert, two chimps were shown pushing a piano down the stairs when an old bat of a chimp mentioned that she had a cup of tea on the boil. This caused one of the chimps to dart towards the kitchen which allowed for the piano to fall atop the other chimp crushing him to death in the process. The chimp who had rushed into the kitchen didn't seem to mind as he began playing a tune on the piano in order to distract the cops. According to that particular chimp's file, he had always aspired to become a concert pianist like some kind of Captain Hook so that makes it all okay. The reason why I used this as an example of the PG Tips Company not treating the Tipps Family very well is well I could tell something was off about that piano. Actually no, the piano was fine but the problem was that the company had hired quite clearly incompetent members of the Tipps Family to remove the piano when they should have hired more tougher members of the family as were some members of the Tipps Family who were strong enough to lift a bull. The adverts featuring the Tipps Family were quite rightfully targeted for having elements of animal cruelty so that meant the company had to be very careful when filming these ads. Their advertisements were being monitored day and nights by groups such as The Easily Offended Knights Of Nottingham and of course Mark Newman. Mark Newman was Chief Health and Safety Officer of London during the 1980s which meant that he was on the Tipps Family's cases everyday. He had public support from the Easily Offended Knights after they learned he too was disgusted by the Tipps Family's use in adverts, but what they didn't know is that ole Mark was disgusted for all the wrong reasons. Allow me to shed a little light on the subject.
Chief Newman suspected that the Tipps Family were part of an international chimpanzee crime syndicate locally known as Chimps R Us. Set up as a phony charity organisation which pledges to give money to abused chimps, the Syndicate's goal is to steal and hoard diamonds from various banks across the world even the Bikini Bottom Mint. The Syndicate had ties to the Corleone Family who may or may not have been responsible for the death of Newman's pet lammergeier during the Olive Oil War. This created a personal vendetta for Newman as he was determined to destroy anything and anyone connected to the damn Corleone's. During the filming of one advert, another two members of the Tipps Family were performing a show in the middle of the street. They were singing a country western song which sounded pretty damn cool not gonna lie. I even bought the Tipps Family Soundtrack from an old and quite frankly very smelly junkyard. Could it have been Bruski's? I really hope not dear reader. In any case, Chief Newman just so happened to be doing his morning rounds when he noticed the filming of this advert. He was going to ignore it when he noticed the big ole No Filming Of Any Kind sign hanging on the front entrance of the junkyard. Newman blew into his mighty yellow whistle of mightiness as he yelled, "whoa none of that thank you!" He then proceeded to charge towards the Tipps Family with his assistant Incredibly Nervous BBC Extra 914 wrapping a huge jellyfish net around the pair. The cameraman or rather camera fish; Mr Director came up to Officer Newman and asked, "what the bloody bullocks do ya think you're doing sonny boy?" Gesturing his overly cynical fingers towards a clipboard, Officer Newman said, "listen here and listen well my pork, for you and your friends are violating the Animal Rights Act of 1922. We can't have that! Now can we?"
So, The Tipps Family were brought to court but what Officer Newman failed to count on was the fact that the Easily Offended Knights were going to be standing as jury for the case. Officer Newman just didn't have anything to work with for it was a time for big emotions and quite sadly Officer Newman just didn't have enough to go around. After hearing the Knights ramble on and on about how badly the Tipps Family were treated, Judge Mudge rubbed his head deep in thought as he said, "hmm maybe go a little deeper." That's when Lady Birkshire explained the story of how the Tipps Family came to be. They were once real chimps who lived freely in the vast woodlands in Oakton City. This was until some of them got caught littering just outside Cortex Power. They were taken inside the backroom by Doctor Cortex who offered to cook them meals, but it was a set up. He lured them into his laboratory not lavatory mind! Laboratory! They were experimented on for quite some time until they gained the power of human speech and basic human mannerisms. You could have just showed them a couple instructional videos Cortex ya chocolate bar headed prick! Once the Tipps Family had become fully anthropomorphic they were sent to PG Tips Headquarters in Scotland. The rest is history. The Tipps were forced to comply with the adverts otherwise they would be shipped off to Grandmother Edgar who would no doubt cook the Tipps into one of her world famous Grandmother Edgar Homemade Chimp Pies. Yes seriously, look it up ole Grandmother Edgar is SICK. Very sick indeed. What went wrong? Anyways, one of the Knights Ronald McAlister who was Deputy Secretary of the Scottish Parliament at the time backed up the story and provided photographical evidence regarding the company's cruel treatment of the Tipps Family. Oh buggering buggerton I really should have mentioned the fact that McAlister worked at the PG Tips Company as a spy for the Knights before they sent him on his way. Ooh sent him on his way sent him on his way.
Following the court case, the entire matter was eventually ultimately settled outside of court with the Tipps Family being awarded 2 mill by the PG Tips Company's President; Roger Chungus. How incredibly thoughtful I must say! Using their newly earned millions, the Tipps Family caught the first boat to Empire Bay. While in Empire Bay, the Tipps Family became rug merchants. I know that it's not much but it's the best that they can do. Forbidding anyone at the company from even mentioning the Tipps Family, during the very early 2000's, Mr Chungus and his staff struck up a deal with Anti-Pesto who were going to provide the PG Tips Company with their second branch of mascots; the T-Birds. Oh man things were starting to get a little spicy. Now thankfully, in stark contrast to the Tipps Family, the Ta Birds were treated incredibly well by the company but that doesn't mean shit when you take into account the rest of their story. Anti-Pesto leaders Wallace & Gromit were already proud tea drinkers so of course they didn't even think twice when signing onto their contract with Anti-Pesto. The pair hired some of their bird friends from Santa Monica to act as the new mascots. Nicknaming themselves the Tea Birds, they sadly didn't appear in that many adverts because well we'll talk about in a mo. The whole gimmick behind the Tea Birds and their adverts was that a group of birds were living together in a council house in London. They would encounter day to day problems like a washing machine breaking down or someone forgetting to pay the gas bill, and naturally all of these problems would be solved with a cup of PG Tips.
Sadly it all came crashing down rather quickly which is quite the shame as by 2005, PG Tips was by far the best selling tea in the United Kingdom beating out Tetley and Yorkshire Tea with ease. It all came crashing down during the filming of one advert which took place at the Golden Koi in Chinatown. The birds were worried about going to the Golden Koi as they were known for having a bird soup special every Friday night, but after drinking from a cup of green tea, the birds were learn that it was all in their beaks. The reason it went wrong? Well the biggest bird of all known as Tom was secretly a cannibal. He felt no qualms about eating his fellow birds and would often sneak out of the council house in order to attend morgue parties or something like that. After signing up to work for PG Tips, Tom made a personal effort to get over his cannibalism, but sadly it was just not meant to be. While at the Golden Koi, Tim ended up getting a bit lost and he ended up in the kitchen where he saw some ducks hanging from the ceiling talking about their time telling narcotics. The ducks were very stupid and talked about how their grandparents had fought in the Olive Oil War. Having no time to hear such stories, Tom gave into temptation and ended up eating all of the little duckies. Pete then came into the kitchen in order to ask about his ass noodles and if they were cooked yet, but when he noticed Tom eating ducks he cried, "oh blooming heck Tim you've really let us down lad!" Disgraced, Tom was sent to therapy with Doctor Beakman. Sadly, the therapy sessions came to a tasty end shall we say when Beakman kept tempting Tim into eating him for lunch. Basically, in order to get Tom over his taste for birds, Beakman tried to get Tom to eat him but Tom would have to try and not give in wink. It went wrong because Doctor Beakman secretly really did want to be eaten, and that's honestly really sad.
After devouring Dr Beakman, Tom moved far away to a place where nobody knows his name and the wine tastes like wine. In the meantime, the T-Birds quietly disbanded as they felt that without Tom in their adverts tea no longer had any punchline. In an interview years later, Holly admitted that when Tim left the whole game changed. So sad. Tom has since cut all ties with the T-Birds as he can't bare the thought of possibly eating his friends. Isn't that wacky? With the Tipps Family disgraced the Tea Birds flying high to Southern skies, Mr Chungus was baffled on who to make the next mascot, but he tried out several possible candidates including Jerry Vulture a cousin of Multure Vulture. Much like his cousin Multure, Jerry was an incredibly sinister vulture who worked as an executioner for the Atlanta Corporation. He had also served two terms in the Bird House, and he refused to talk about his prison terms while applying for the advertising gig. When asked if he had any prior criminal convictions, Jerry simply responded with an incredibly shady answer that being, "I've been away for a bit." After looking into Jerry's criminal history, Mr Chungus decided it was best to not have Jerry be the company's next mascot. Funnily enough, Jerry had actually appeared in one advert for the company back when the T-Birds were still running the show. He was trying to become the gang's next roommate until that post was taken by Holly much to Jerry's chagrin. Mr Chungus sat in his penthouse suite and pressed a button on his intercom requesting a cup of hot sweet tea. It was his brand new assistant Al who came to bring the tea into him. Sadly, Al ended up making a real fucking mess and poured the tea all over the table because he was so nervous about working with one of the legends in the tea making business.
Witnessing Al's stunning display, Chungus rubbed his chin knowingly as he said, "this could be something." It was decided unbeknownst to Al, that he would become the new mascot for PG Tips, but realising that Al could not possibly handle such a hard worthy task on his own, the ably named PG Tips Monkey was brought into the fold in order to serve as Al's co-star. Unlike the Tipps Family and T-Birds, both Monkey and Al had always had a thing for the tea arts. The pair had attended high school together. While in school, Al saw the light that being pyramid shaped tea bags. He had gotten the idea from hanging out with a group known only as The Happy Mondays who were said to be rivals with the Sad Tuesdays and Moody Wednesdays. There's a system of edicate ya see. Monkey had often warned Al from hanging out with The Happy Mondays who wanted to have Monkey killed for being a monkey which they deemed to be an inferior race or so the papers claimed anyway. Al rightfully thought that the future world would be dominated by pyramid tea bags, but Monkey believed that in the future the world would be controlled by The Monkey Empire. One of these beliefs became true, but can you guess which one it was? Well it's not really that hard mate, and if you get it wrong then I'm honestly kind of ashamed of you. After leaving school, both Monkey and Al found jobs hard to come by. They tried working in a factory but it didn't last very long as Al ended up spilling hot sweet tea all over the heavy machinery causing great confusion and delay. The pair's boss Stuart Elderman The III made it crystal clear that he was very cross with the pair, but instead of quite rightfully sending them to work in the salt mines for the rest of their miserable lives, Mr Elderman instead opted to send the pair to ITV which is where they of course got a job advertising for the sadly short lived service: ITV Digital.
Oh yes that's right, you're probably not British and thus have no prior knowledge on what ITV Digital is, well in that case, allow me to explain some things for ya real quick like. The aim of ITV Digital was to be a paid television service similar to what BBC I Player later became but sadly ITV Digital failed so fucking badly because people kept hacking into the service in order to watch the snooker. ITV Digital to no one's surprise closed down in 2007, and Monkey was so disgraced by the service's failure that he thumbed a lift to Brighton where he joined a band of bongo ducks nicknamed The Bongo Kings. Sadly, Monkey's tenure with the bongo ducks didn't last very long after he and his new found duck mates found themselves getting chased down by the real Bongo King who was very angry about them using his name without his permission. That be copyright infringement Monkey! I'm very cross with you. With Monkey gone, Al joined the local theatre where he starred in plays as The Highwayman, but it fell apart when he harassed some elderly man out of his teddy bear. "I've got your teddy mate!" Al yelled as he ripped the bear's head clean off. Al was quite rightfully fired and he ended up on the backburner and by that I of course mean he ended up living on the dole in a rather lavish council house in London. It's worth noting that after Monkey took off, both he and Al decided not to contact each other for reasons unknown. Though in an interview with Tea Bags Monthly in 2011, Al admitted he didn't know how to post a letter and when he tried to post a letter his entire arm ended up getting stuck in the post box. Oh buggering buggerton I'm so sorry Al! But then one year after ITV Digital blew up in smoke, PG Tips felt that it was finally time to reunite our two heroes.
As stated earlier, Al was not informed beforehand about his dear friend's return, and this was done so that Al's reaction to Monkey's return would be completely 100& genuine. Arriving at the house of sadness I see, Al heard his doorbell a ring a ding banana phone and got ready to prank the caller by dressing up as his Highwayman alter ego. Opening the door, Al held out an old pop gun as he yelled, "stand and deliver!" Looking down towards the doorstep, All was surprised to see Monkey just chilling there in an overly large and completely drenched trench coat and cute hat. He was also holding a briefcase indicating he's been searching for a home for quite some time. Ushered inside for a cuppa, Al berated Monkey for legging it when ITV Digital when bust. "So where ya been?" Al asked. "Oh around oh!" Monkey cried as he then had a violent flashback to the time he got himself latched onto the front of a truck driving down Townsend Street. A dangerous past time I know. Monkey ended up shitting all over the floor and this resulted in Al throwing the poor little bugger into the washing machine. After having a right good wash, Monkey sat down at the kitchen table to find a cup of tea waiting for him. Monkey took a sip from the tea as Al asked what plans Monkey had going forward. "I'd like to stay for awhile." Monkey paused as he then added, "if you'll have me." "Brilliant!" Al proclaimed at the very top of his lungs as both he and Monkey quickly agreed to get back into the advertising game. Oh and something I should have mentioned earlier love is that during Monkey's little vacation shall we say, Al rented his room out to Zeus The Guitar Lord. Monkey claimed to love Zeus' music which delighted Al as he and Zeus were childhood whaling buddies. Once again, please don't tell Ahab will you? Ahem! The following day, Monkey made his presence known by having Zeus evicted from the house. Standing on the doorstep with not a penny to his name, Zeus had only one request to make. "Dudes can I have some ketchup?"
It took Al a very long time to learn the do's and don'ts of tea. Monkey was an excellent teacher having educated Al on ITV Digital back when times were hard. In any case, Monkey found Al quite hard to teach when it came to the miracle that was PG Tips. Monkey told Al that there was no other tea that could beat PG which he demonstrated by showing Al how differently PG's pyramid shaped teabags worked compared to a regular tea bag. The pyramid tea bag allows for the tea to spread more naturally or something I dunno. Some time after their reunion, Al took Monkey out to the local café where once again Al started to pester Monkey by asking him questions all about tea. Seriously Al do you not have any thing better to do with your time? Sorry mate. I don't really think that Monkey was listening as he was busy eyeballing the waitresses who were practising politics as the businessmen slowly get stoned. No seriously, people were throwing stones at a bunch of snooty businessmen who were trying to have a conversation about the rise in stocks at the London Stock Exchange. "How would you describe the taste?" Al asked as Monkey took a big ole sip from his cup of tea. Monkey then began humping the table as he yelled, "oh yes! Oh yes! That is a splendiparous cup of TEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Monkey finished as he took another sip from his tea. A woman sitting at a nearby table told the waitress, "I'll have what he's having." For the next few years, Al and Monkey became the de-facto mascots for the entire PG Tips brand, During the pair's tenure at the company, Mr Chungus opted to take early retirement was replaced as President of PG Tips INC by Dwayne Pryce. Yes that Dwayne Pryce. The very same man that loves to pull people into offices to meet with five Northwestern alums! All doctors!
For some reason, Dwayne believed that Al was the weak link in the adverts and so began conspiring to get rid of him by swirling rumours around the city about how Al likes to bite into tea bags and dip his soggy old socks into his cups of tea. Hang on a tick, if Dwayne is in charge of the company then why doesn't he just fire Al? Well, if he'd have to give Al three months notice ya see. Yep. One incredibly smelly evening, Dwayne arranged an audience with Monkey at his private office over at Northwestern Medical School. The meeting was completely above board, with Dwayne offering Monkey the chance to make millions if he shall we say cut Al out of the picture. "No way!" Monkey bellowed as he made his leave only for Dwayne Pryce to pull out a massive briefcase from his ear which was filled with millions of pound coins. Dwayne then asked, "what's your offer Monkey?" In truth, Monkey was kind of starting to get annoyed by Al and his constant questions regarding PG Tips. Whenever they sat down to a cup of tea, Al would always started the conversation by asking, "Monkey what makes PG Tips so great?" Al would not leave the topic alone until Monkey had explained in excruciating detail what made PG Tips so much better than the other countless brands of tea out there. After learning from Pryce about how much money he could make, Monkey ultimately agreed to stab Al in the back and replace him as the primary mascot for PG Tips. Before you could even sniff the salmon shall we say, Al was thrown out onto the streets with not a pence to his name and he watched on in horror as Monkey became the big man or rather big monkey wink. Al ended up heading East where he began living with his Mother who forced Al to go out job searching. Wanting to get back at Monkey for turning on him, Al tried to join up with The Tetley Tea Folk.
The Tetley Tea Folk are the mascots for the Tetley Tea brand, and rather surprisingly they were more than happy to accept Al into their ranks, but he would have to pass a rigorous test first. The test was simple. All you had to was make a cup of tea for Gaffer who was the head honcho of the Tetley Tea Folk. Sadly, Al ended up making a real pig's ear of it as he tried to put some sugar into the cup only for Gaffer to leap out at him in slow motion. "No!" Gaffer cried as he Falcon punched Al causing him to drop the two sugar cubes onto the cold hard ground. "Oh sorry Gaffer, I forgot you don't take sugar." Al said sheepishly as he blushed the smelliest blush that has never been blushed. Rather than having Al killed which is what Maurice wanted that sick prick, Gaffer instead opted to make Al a honorary Tetley Tea Folk. You see; Gaffer thought that Al had tried to put sugar in his cup on purpose, and by doing this Al was trying to tell Gaffer that he ain't afraid of no Tetley and he will be totally comfortable to face any challenge that Tetley throws his way. Al was placed under Maurice's care who naturally became Al's mentor, but Maurice hated Al. He hated Al because one time in an elevator at Primark, Al let out a big ole fart while Maurice was in the elevator with him. The smell was so bad, and what made matters worse was the fact that the elevator ended up getting stuck ox for 48 hours! Maurice also couldn't stand the fact that Al used to market PG Tips as all of the Tetley Tea Folk with the exception of Gaffer were incredibly prejudice towards all other brands of tea that aren't Tetley.
Determined to make Al quit, Maurice convinced Gaffer to make Al do some work on the old sewage line located underneath the Tetley Tea Factory in Brighton. The sewage system was incredibly complicated as all the instructions were written in Japanese. Al can't speak Japanese oh fuck! Al saw a massive red button a top a smelly table. He hovered his finger above the button as he said, "I wonder what's this red button do?" He pressed that button matey and this caused the entire factory to flood, and a river of shit and sick came bursting out from the pipes and the chimney. Tetley was sued 200 mill for the damages, but Gaffer still could not bring himself to fire Al much to Maurice's chagrin. No, Gaffer instead opted to give Al a new job. This job was that of a postman of sorts. Al's job was for him to go door to door and asking people if they wanted some of his Tetley Tea. Sadly, some street hoods started pestering Al because they thought he looked a bit like a frog. Having finally had enough of this bullying, Al ended up chasing the hoods down with the intent of turning them into dog meat but he ended up getting confronted by one of the young men's fathers who was 8 foot tall. Al punched that prick in the stomach 69 times but it had no effect, as that man gave Al a right good punch in the gob which naturally sent Al flying all the way up to Tetley HQ. He ended up crashing through the window of Gaffer's penthouse suite. Gaffer came over to Al and went tsk tsk as he then said, "I'm beginning to lose my patience son, but I will give you one last chance." Al got on his knees and started thanking Gaffer profusely for giving him another chance to earn his keep. Embarrassed, Gaffer held his hands up as he sang, "come with me my son of wood." Al's third and final job was to make cups of tea for a group of visiting Northwestern alumni. All doctors! I heard that Dwayne Pryce may be there too!
On the morning of the visit of the Northwestern alumni, Al busied himself by preparing himself a massive protein shake. Maurice offered to make the shake for Al, but what Al didn't know is that Maurice had sprinkled mega colon blow into the shake. Al had to take a dump real bad and raced towards a bathroom only to get grabbed by Dwayne Pryce who cried, "Al! Hey long time no see right? Hey look come on in here, I want to meet your future alumni!" Dwayne grabbed Al and pushed him into an office to meet with the alumni who were very pleased. Oh and by the way, the effects of the colon blow had kicked in while Al was making cups of tea for the alumni and in order to make it go faster he ended up putting weird things into the cup like dead salty rats he found stuck underneath the trailer park in Michigan. Hmm some story. Some Michigan. Now, I think Al could have held out but that's when Doctor Brown gave Al a right good pat on the stomach as he said, "this isn't something of a formality Mr Al. We just want to get you know better." You know something? I'm thinking that ole Brown might have a thing for Al. Al then started shaking violently especially after he got introduced to Gareth Smellnick the smelliest Northwestern doctor that has ever been smelt. Dwayne took notice of Al's convulsions and asked, "uh Al is there something you want to say? You look like you want to get something out son." Very poor choice of words Dwayne! Al rushed to the other side of the room and had a massive dump in the mouth of a nearby pelican who was just chilling reading a book on stocks. Dwayne looked really sad but then quickly changed his demeanour to proper cross while Doctor Brown simply remarked, "oh dear God that's Al!" Well who else would it be Doctor Brown? Stupid punk.
Even before Al left, Monkey had began making decisions on his own. In 2009, he starred in a movie all about PG Tips which was directed by Widdecombe And Pump though they asked to be uncredited, and it's not very hard to see why. Al had no part in the film as the PG Tips marketing team believed that he just simply wasn't marketable enough. The film was screened alongside children's movies of the time including Horton Hears A Poo sorry I mean Horton Hears A Who. The movie was actually incredibly successful, and a very nasty skinny looking DVD of the film was packaged inside boxes of PG Tips for a brief window of time. Good luck finding that DVD now though boyio. Don't worry though as you can simply watch it for free on YouTube. Trust me when I say that the film is well worth a watch or two. The movie was such a success that it didn't take very long for Monkey to start thinking about making a sequel. Also during one advert, Monkey ended up getting swooped by a massive vulture while Al sat on his ass playing Angry Birds. I just wanted to mention that little fact because I didn't think I'd get another chance to do so in this doc.
In Al's absence, Monkey soon found himself getting way too over his own head. With Dwayne Pryce's permission, Monkey started offering huge cash prizes inside of specially marked boxes of PG Tips. Sadly, it would appear that Monkey and his team were being far too generous as the amount of cash prizes given out caused the entire PG Tips company to become very nearly bankrupt. In a bid to make more money, Monkey made a hasty collab with Stephen Spielberg who wished to help Monkey create a sequel to his first PG Tips Movie. Sadly, Spielberg quit the project after he found Monkey to be rather mean. With Spielberg gone, Monkey was forced to go with Malcom Rosenberg. Rosenberg's pitched his idea for a PG Tips movie sequel to Monkey and Dwayne on a very chilly evening in March. You know the ones. Rosenberg rubbed Monkey's ear as he said, "now picture this." The basic plot for the sequel was Monkey getting sick of tea and deciding to become a bishop, but he would eventually learn to go back to the tea once the lions came a knocking. A rough cut of the sequel was shown in a board meeting to Dwayne Pryce and other high-ranking employees at PG Tips INC. Dwayne was particularly disgusted by the movie as he cried, "oh my God!" He was angry with all the adult themes like smoking and sexy baked bean tines that Monkey and Rosenberg had snuck into the film in order to keep the adults in the audience entertained. Dwayne was further infuriated by the fact that Monkey would plug the Sega Saturn at very opportunity as Monkey was a massive Sega nut, and he hoped that by expensively plugging the Saturn, PG Tips maybe able to strike up a brand deal with Sega. Of course, Dwayne brought up the elephant in the room by asking Rosenberg, "you uh... you both do realise that the Sega Saturn went redundant years ago right?" "Uhhhhhhhhhhh." Monkey said very awkwardly like some kind of Spyro The Dragon as the meeting came to a smelly end not a satisfying one as Monkey and Malcom Rosenberg had hoped for.
Despite Dwayne's protests, Monkey and Rosenberg had their big sequel screened at the Cannes Film Festival where it was ridiculed to no end. After the credits were over, Monkey and Rosenberg came onto stage in order to bow but they ended up getting fruit thrown at them. Acclaimed LA movie director and the head of the festival, Mr Carson Clay came on stage and glared at the pair with the most evil glare that the world has yet to know. Sensing that Monkey was beginning to lose the plot, Dwayne opted to have Monkey fed to the sharks, but Monkey managed to escape the sharks which caused them to ask, "hey what's a matter with us?" With Monkey losing the plot, Dwayne decided to appoint Captain Qwark as the next mascot for the PG Tips Company. For the first advert featuring Qwark, he was shown sitting on a massive subway licking his lips as a big green plant monster started to attack Qwark when all of the sudden an overly loud record scratch sound effect occurred. Are things about to get funny? I fucking hope so dear reader. Anyways, Qwark then pointed at the screen as he asked, "has this ever happened to you?" Basically, Qwark had sold out so much now that he was completely willingly to plug PG Tips just as long as he got a free day out to the local spa. Qwark didn't care about any massages that the spa offered, he just wanted the people who worked there to stick cucumbers onto his eyes. You're a sad strange big man Captain and you have my pity. Dwayne just couldn't get Qwark to work for the adverts and so promptly fired him too.
Forced back onto the dole, Monkey found that he was starting to really miss Al. Mopping down the busy streets of London, Monkey whined, "oh Al how could I ever have been so stupid as to put money above friendship?" "Monkey!" A voice called out in the distance. Monkey dropped his bags of shopping as he noticed the calling of his name was coming from a nearby cornfield. Monkey made his way through the cornfield where Al was waiting for him. The pair exchanged a friendly hug as they quickly agreed to become friends once again. "But where is the groom?" Al asked. Confused, Monkey asked, "uh what?" "I think that it's about high time we settle the score with our old friend Dwayne Pryce don't you Al?" Monkey asked. Al grinned evilly as he said, "yes I do Monkey yes I do." The pair raced down towards PG Tips INC, they ran into Dwayne's penthouse suite and threw the poor bugger into a waste basket which was then thrown onto the back of a moving van which was slated for North Yankton. Don't worry, Dwayne will be back. He always comes back. With Dwayne in exile, both Al and Monkey became the new co-owners of the entire PG Tips Company, and began setting in their plans to bring PG Tips into the future. It was Monkey's idea to add the brand new fruity tea variants of PG Tips. Monkey filmed an advert of him drinking green tea which caused a literal massive conga to start going off inside his mouth. Monkey looked at his mug with an aroused face as he remarked, "oh my that's fruity!" Funnily enough, even after all the mascot changes and other company decisions, PG Tips was still by far the most successful tea brand in the entire United Kingdom, and hopefully it'll stay that way.
I am actually very happy that this story was able to have a happy ending. I thought for sure it was going to end with Al getting killed by the Russian Mafia, and Monkey being drafted into the army after he saw an incredibly fat child drop a bike on a chipmunk who may or may not have ties to the Colombians. Perhaps this could be used to turn the child away from the Triad? Hmm, I highly doubt that would be possible dear reader I think you're really clutching at straws for that one. I'm just glad that in the end, Monkey and Al were able to realise that friendship is the true meaning of life, and let's face it Monkey on his own just doesn't work. It would be like Wallace without Gromit or Laurel without Hardy. It doesn't even sound right! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make my master a cup of tea as he's thinking of taking us on another trip to the Egyptian pyramids. Oh my Sir what will the neighbours say? I'll think on that as I help myself to another cup of hot sweet splendiparous cup of TEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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