The Passion of the Heist (Veggietales Lost Episode)
Just let me staple the vicar. Welcome one and all to my story. My name is Thomas O'Brien, and I work as a priest at Chichester Cathedral, Empire Bay. I've been working as a priest since oh 2005 or thereabouts. I joined the priesthood after my local washing machine dealer cheated on me with a rather cynical old man who has a face like a bulldog. Don't judge him though for that old man used to rule the world. Since joining the priesthood, I've tried my best to get a promotion to archdeacon, but the church refuses to grant me with a promotion due to me being a serious gambling addict. I was also very interested in alchemy, and was trying to the chemical formula to turn stones into gold. What interest would a humble priest have for gold? Well; I want that gold to serve as a sort of peace offering to the big boss; Archbishop Hall. He's a very nice man, but he has a horrid temper and often yells at me for being involved in gambling which the church of course dubs as being a sin. Well if gambling's a sin then what is a win? I haven't really been able to find the chemical formula as of yet, but I have been able to make some bronze and silver coins but that's not what I want! It's also worth noting that my family did not approve of my decision to join the priesthood with my own father remarking; "dear golly gosh son are you mad?" I punched him squarely in his Turkish garden hose shaped nose as I made my way out of the house never to see my family again.
Friendship is perhaps the most important thing that you can have in the priesthood. I only have one real friend who is a monk and he goes by the name of Monk Trunk. Monk Trunk was considered to be an outcast by his fellow monks due to the fact he hated Mars chocolate bars. All of the other monks loved Mars, and each and every afternoon at around 2 pm; all the monks eat Mars Bars before ringing the bells in the most spicy way that you will never see because you ain't no bishop. Well maybe you are; I mean after all I don' even know who you are. Monk Trunk and I have debated time and time again on whether we should leave the priesthood behind, but Monk was not so convinced as he believed that the church was the place to be. Thinking quickly, I then said; "I'm not saying we have to leave the priesthood. I'm just saying maybe we should move to the church next door." "Hmm...nah!" Monk Trunk yelled at the top of his lungs, and he yelled it so loud that it caused some of the stain glass windows of the cathedral to shatter into a million tiny bite size pieces. Monk Trunk and I were then threatened under the threat of death by Archbishop Hall to buy some new windows. Each and every day I wonder to myself; is being a priest really worth it? I think so; because after all if I had not a priest how would I ever have met my son? Well my adopted son anyway. You see; Monk Trunk and I adopted a small hunchback man and we keep him locked up in the belltower cause he ugly. His name is Jerry Glyme.
In 2005, I had first just joined the church and I was doing some last minute mass with Monk Trunk when we heard a knock at the door. I answered the door, and saw that a small baby inside a cot. I took the baby into the church, and lay it onto the foundling bed while Monk called a doctor. Sadly, the doctor discovered that the baby was hideously deformed and he responded by pulling some pills out from his ass which were the size of double decker buses. Monk Trunk grabbed some water with a ladle and handed it over to the doctor as he asked, "oh but doctor how will this poor child ever swallow those?" The doctor ate the pills down as he left the church behind. "Hey where are you going?" I asked as the doctor poked his head through the keyhole as he said; "father miracles are your department." What a prick! You know something; I don't think that pill popper is a real doctor as he was wearing an old doctors uniform from 1488 which makes me highly question his medical profession and whether or not he really has a medical license from Northwestern Medical School. Now, we tried putting the child up for adoption, but Monk and I eventually decided to raise the child as our own. We named Jerry Glyme after Glyme Day which is a small holiday in Empire Bay which takes place every Tuesday night when the moon turns red like my poop last week; and what happens on Glyme Day is that you throw large blobs of snot which came from the snot factory at unsuspecting passer-by's even policemen are not exempt from getting snot thrown at them.
Jerry Glyme ages incredibly fast... well sort of; as the following day after we had that encounter with the pill popping 'doctor'; Jerry had changed from being a baby into a 20 year old man who had perhaps the strongest British accent I have ever heard in all me days! He had such a strong British accent that if you were to be British and you heard it; you would seriously start to doubt your own British accent. Yes that's how strong it is! Now as I said earlier; we decided to keep Glyme confined to the walls of the cathedral as we couldn't risk him getting possibly sent to a mad scientist who loves to shoot his death rays at unsuspecting cats. What a turd! However, Glyme is quite a rebellious little scallop as he keeps leaving the cathedral to hang out with his homie and possible lover Detective Pierre. Detective Pierre is pretty dumb, and also very cold but more on that later. Despite Detective Pierre already being married he seems to have a thing for ole Glyme. Maybe he's thinking three way. Oh I should probably mention that Glyme works as the bell ringer for Chichester Cathedral so whenever he ventures outside to meet up with Pierre; Monk Trunk and I are forced to do the job for him. Not that I minded personally since it was a rather good workout after all. Monk Trunk appeared to not feel the same way as one day after Glyme returned from the church he got yelled at by Monk Trunk for a good half hour. "STOP LEAVING THE CHURCH!" Monk yelled angrily as he then proceeded to dropkick Glyme in the shin which sent him flying across to the other side of the belltower. "Well that oughta stir the coyote in the chicken coop right O'Brien?" Monk asked as I responded with; "what?" Archbishop Hall wasn't very happy about the fact we kept Glyme confined in the bell tower. "The poor fellow is allowed just a bit of fun." Archbishop Hall pleaded, but Monk and I were having none of that as yelled, "he's hideous!" Such lovely stepparents aren't we?"
As a result of some massive gambling debts I've acquired; I've been forced to take out a loan from incredibly powerful well sort of at least very powerfully connected gangster; Steve Claude and his smelly assistant Jimmy Karnov. Steve works as the debt collector for the Faustin Mafiya, and he provided me with a such sum of cash which I promptly wasted on gambling thinking I could get Steve his money back. When that failed; Steve and Karnov paid a personal visit in order to demand I pay him and his associate tribute. "If you expect the members of this church to enjoy my protection; then you must be willing to pay money to my treachery." Steve Claude explained as I said; "well you've come to the wrong priests pal we're flat broke." "I can see that." Steve said as he lit himself a cigarette before continuing with, "it's also come to my attention that you keep some sort of a monster here who has alluded capture by my men time after time." I really wish that Steve Claude wouldn't smoke in here as this is a place of worship after all. However, neither I nor Monk Trunk could say anything to Steve Claude as he had a license to act like a jackass from his boss Mikhail Faustin himself. "Perhaps we could tie a sheep shank around the side entrance of the cathedral and then we could..." Karnov was cut off as Steve grabbed him by the neck and began choking him like a chicken as he said bluntly; "you're interrupting." "Sorry my lord." Karnov apologized as his face began to turn blue and the strength in his arms drained away. Not wanting to kill his dear assistant; Steve let Karnov go as he said; "we'll be back on Monday so you better start saving up those damn pennies if I were you. And remember this; Mikhail Faustin and Dimitri Rasaclov never ask twice for their money! Get me that money or else Mr Faustin will be very angry with you two and your monster." Steve lit himself yet another cigarette as he and Karnov departed the scene. Also before leaving, Steve flicked his first cigarette into Monk Trunk's face. Steve wasn't very nice to his dear friend Jimmy Karnov as on the way out of the building he jammed a candlestick into Karnov's eye. An eye for an eye!
We again tried our best to keep Jerry confined to the walls of Chichester, but he eventually snuck out of the cathedral in order to watch a local drag queen show. Sadly, the drag queen was actually working with Steve Claude and his show was actually a set up for Glyme to be kidnapped by Claude's goons. Glyme was tortured publicly in the town square via whipping. Sounds spicy. Now, Steve was more than willingly to let Glyme go free just as long as Monk Trunk and I paid him a small fine of 50 grand, but Monk and I didn't have that kind of money. "Sorry Glyme you just weren't worth the price he was asking for ya!" I explained as we forced to watch Glyme get tortured by Steve's main man Dominic who wears no socks or trousers. Could he be a singing bee? Of course not how you could you suggest such a thing!? Also, Detective Pierre despite supposedly being one of Glyme's best friends neglected to save Glyme from his punishment. He walked up to Glyme while he was being tortured in the stocks, and he put his cold hand on the hunchback's... hunch as he said; "we will avenge you my friend." He then departed from the scene in order to sing a really smelly song with his wife who has a serious flatulence problem. It was so bad that she had stunk the entire arena out which is why Monk and I were now the only ones watching Glyme getting tortured. Thankfully, Glyme was eventually released from Claude as he received a phone call from Faustin reminding him that the bookmakers in Kingston haven't been paying their dues lately. We took Glyme back to the cathedral where we nursed him back to health. However, while tending to Glyme's wounds, I could notice something on his back which kind of looked a bit like wings but I assume it was just pus. After getting Glyme cleaned up and sending him back up the bell tower where he belongs, Monk Trunk and I debated on how we were going to get the money to pay off those two fools Steve Claude and Jimmy Karnov. That's when Monk Trunk made the bold suggestion that we start a charity fundraiser in order to raise the money to give to Claude. We will trick the donators into thinking the proceeds are going to the Mickey Mouse Charity Foundation when in reality they're going straight to Steve's social club in Midtown.
The charity fundraiser didn't go very well as no one wanted to donate money to the cathedral due to Archbishop Hall being accused of hoarding diamonds which were stolen from the Bikini Bottom Mint. It's a big conspiracy which had been spearheaded on Reddit, and it was widely believed that Archbishop Hall was involved in a dirty business with Mayor Chungus from Bikini Bottom. Side note; Mayor Chungus is one of the rudest individuals I've ever met, as he likes to torment Squidward Tentacles who serves as Chungus' personal driver. Squidy is forced to drive Chungus everywhere and what does he get for his troubles? A whip to the nose! Squidward ain't into that I tell you what! The wily Redditor suggested that something needs to be done about Archbishop Hall and Mayor Chungus, but Archbishop Hall had repeatedly denied these accusations until they eventually became too much for even him to be able to handle. It was of course for this reason that Archbishop Hall had decided to Empire Bay for awhile and had gone on a little holiday to Vice City. In Hall's absence, I was given control of the church. If things went well worth enough, and I showed Hall how careful I was. Maybe I would be able to swing myself a promotion to archdeacon. Wouldn't that be something? Now no one donated money to the charity fundraiser as they believed the proceeds were going directly into Archbishop Hall's account so that he would be able to leave the country undetected. Completely disregarding the fact that Hall had already left the city only ten minutes ago, but we were eventually able to receive a donation from an incredibly wealthy shrew who may have been blind given how much of a terrible driver she was. I mean she literally crashed her truck right into the side of the cathedral, but I made no comment about it and accepted the donation. It was not money that the old shrew gave us; no my friends it was a DVD.
Monk Trunk scanned the DVD over and laughed hysterically at it's cover. It wasn't fake laughter either it was genuine big belly laughter. He was really breaking up! In between laughs, Monk Trunk managed to hand me the DVD. I pulled out a mini microscope from my nose and used it in order to scan the DVD over. The cover showcased a picture of Bob and Larry from Veggietales dancing in a dimly lit jazz club, and on the very top part of the cover I could see a very sarcastic policeman glaring down at the pair. He was perhaps the most sarcastic policeman you will ever see! "Hmm so what's this DVD all about then love?" I inquired to which the old shrew responded with, "it contains a never before seen episode of Veggietales. Perhaps you could use it to pay off the debt you owe to that prick Steve and his partner Karnov." I looked at the DVD case again for a brief moment before asking; "how did you know that..." I was cut off as when I looked back up I saw that the old shrew had disappeared. Not really she was just awkwardly strolling away on an incredibly dodgy looking scooter which looked like it had been abandoned since the 1920's as it had cobwebs and twigs all over it. On second thought, I don't think those were twigs I think they were strawberry jam! I left the cathedral and headed into the parking lot and got into my car. I was getting ready to deliver the DVD to Steve Claude at his social club and Monk Trunk got into the car with me as we saw Jerry Glyme swinging from the walls of the cathedral. He was using an old bit of rope in order to swing down to our level. Glyme swooped down and grabbed the DVD out from mine and Monk's hands. "GLYME!" Monk yelled angrily as he then threatened to knock Glyme's block off. Thinking quickly, Monk Trunk and I made our way back inside of the cathedral and we headed upstairs into the bell tower in order to confront Glyme over his stealing ways.
Much to our chagrin, Glyme had already busied himself by setting the DVD up. Glyme had really pimped out the bell tower, and had made it into one snazzy pad! He had a huge 1970's disco ball hanging from the ceiling which he may or may not have stolen from the old dancing hall in Oyster Bay. He also had a series of tubes which were also hanging from the ceiling. Don't think that they are needed. Thanks to a small robbery he performed on a local Argos with the help of Detective Pierre; Glyme was able to swing himself a brand new flat screen TV along with a PlayStation 2 and two controllers. Only two? Why not three Glyme? Why not three? Glyme pleaded and pleaded and pleaded some more to allow him to watch the DVD. It took a great many pleadings before Monk and I eventually agreed to watch the DVD with him. "I suppose we could always just swing the DVD over to Steve and Karnov in the morning." I said as I was rather intrigued to see what this never before seen episode of Veggietales could possibly be about. I sat down on the large leather sofa which Glyme had gotten from Oakwood Furniture Land because Monk used to work there as a salesman until he insulted his boss Jeremy Bakewell by mocking him for saying selling their products is like selling gold. "Gold!" Monk proclaimed while pretending to be a pirate which made Bakewell glare into his eyes before having Monk forcibly evicted from the premises. I sat down on the sofa next to Monk while Glyme sat on the floor to play with his action figures cause he weird like that.
The DVD started with a brief commercial which had a man in a suit staring at the screen. "Don't you know you could be due penis?" The man asked as he then asked another question; "can you really afford £7?" The commercial then cut to black as another commercial began to play this one showcasing PG Tips Monkey dressed up a pimp and lounging (pardon the pun) on a lounge chair as he asked; "want some tea? I like peas." Monkey then began downing a can of pea and ham soup which smelt so bad that we could actually smell it through the TV screen. This was because Glyme had much sure to steal a TV which had a wireless Smellavision adapter installed. Monk got sick and he ended running to the outside of the bell tower where he proceeded to vomit all over the streets below drowning a sweet old taxi driver who has a wife and kids in Rome in the process. Monk Trunk returned into the sitting room of the bell tower as the DVD finally started by cutting straight into the main theme song of Veggietales. The theme was not right first of all Bob and Larry looked deformed and Bob's face kept coming right up to the screen as he asked Larry; "hey Larry are you aware of the change in the current silicon mass regarding tomatoes in Germany?" "No Bob I cannot say that I am. I am sorry BOB!" Larry proclaimed as he then began flying towards the sky only to then get stomped on by a big boot which may have belonged to the mysterious gate keeper. We all know who that is don't we? Anyways, Bob meanwhile looked really shocked as he gazed at Larry's smashed corpse as he remarked, "oh buggering buggerton! He then proceeded to melt into the floor not being able to live without Larry, and that's honestly kind of sweet. I'm not joking this time I really mean it I really do!
After the theme song ended, the episode title came on screen which read; "Passion Of The Heist," and the episode then showcased Bob and Larry sitting on the kitchen counter as usual. Bob was asking Larry something when all of the sudden a loud knocking noise be heard. "Hmm I wonder who that could be!" Bob proclaimed happily as he hopped on over to a large red door, and opened it only to be greeted by a man named Avery Carrington. Carrington was a property agent according to his nametag and he explained to Bob and Larry that he wanted to convert their house into a concrete parking lot. Of course, neither Bob nor Larry were going to give up their home without a fight which led to Carrington saying; "hmm; perhaps you two could do me a few favours." Bob and Larry did a couple jobs for Carrington, but they didn't go very well and Carrington lost his patience with the pair very quickly. Carrington gave the pair one last chance to prove themselves by having them take an RC helicopter which was rigged with explosives, and place the explosives inside of an old apartment complex in Doherty. Larry is not a very good pilot it would seem as he ended up driving the RC copter into the sunset while Bob tried his best to chase after the thing only for Larry to jump out from the RC copter at the last minute as it fell onto Carrington's limousine destroying it instantly in a massive firey explosion. It's worth mentioning that Carrington's limo was able to move despite not having a driver which is why some people refer to the car as being the ghost rider. Seeing that Bob and Larry were clearly useless idiots; Carrington decided to go through with his plans to demolish the house and convert it into a concrete parking lot.
Seeking another chance, Bob said; "but surely there must be something we can do to make you see reason Mr Carrington." "Hmm...." Avery rubbed his chin knowingly as he then said; "alright I tell you what; if you two can get me $50,000 by Friday I'll find another house to demolish, but if not well oh man let's just say I'll be having a salad for lunch if you know what I mean?" Bob gulped as did Larry. They knew what he meant by that. Why was Avery Carrington so obsessed with demolishing the house? I have no idea honestly though it could be the fact that the house has no door knobs, but it was also built on top of the foundation of an old saw mil which was knocked down in 1951. Carrington's uncle had worked on the saw mil where he danced with loads of construction workers who were really just BBC extras, and they were mocking Carrington's uncle for his lack of dancing ability. Carrington's uncle eventually got revenge by bulldozing the saw mil down, and my guess is that Carrington wanted to do the same thing to the house as same times he had been egged by Bob and Larry as they hated Carrington and knew that he would do anything for prime real estate. "Oh Larry." Bob whined as he hopped onto the kitchen counter. He then continued with; "how are we ever going to get the money?" "Oh don't worry Bob I'm sure we'll think of something." Larry said when all of the sudden Junior Asparagus hopped onto the side in order to ask if the pair would be mind reading him a story book since his father was away on a conference in Seattle. "Oh Junior... NOT NOW!" Bob barked angrily as his teeth suddenly became as sharp as knives, and he threatened to bite Junior's head off, but Junior was able to earn Bob's respect when he mentioned that there was a Mafioso operating in Cheswick who may have the key to Avery Carrington's undoing. Having no other options available to them, Bob and Larry opted to take Junior's suggestion and they then left the house catching a cab to the old abandoned oil fields. For justice; the pair had to go to Don Monkleone!
That's when the Silly Songs With Larry segment came on screen, but the song was DISGUSTING! It had Larry dressed up as Elvis Presley and he was sitting on a massive golden toilet. "I need a pooooooooooooo." Larry sang in a very good Elvis impression. Props Larry! Bob and an eggplant named Eggplant Edwardson came into the room in order to treat Larry but Larry ended up dying and in order to hide the evidence, Bob ordered Eggplant Edwardson to plunge Larry's body into the toilet which he did in order to avoid getting killed by Bob who was not very happy about the rather lacklustre looking doctors uniform he had to wear for the song. After disposing of Larry, Eggplant Edwardson sang a 1980's style rock ballad about how he used to be a cool guy, but ever since the death of his dear friend and possible love interest Grasshopper Gregory; he had lost his softer side and had become a wickedly wicked eggplant. Eggplant Edwardson then imagined seeing the ghost of his dear friend Grasshopper Gregory, and the pair gave each other a hug only for Edwardson to then realise that he was actually hugging the toilet the entire time. Wow that's actually sad, but then it cut to show Bob doing cocaine in his office. I got sick! Monk Trunk got sick as he ended up vomiting his guts out all over the balcony of the cathedral once again. Monk Trunk returned to the main room as the episode came back to the central plot and it showed that Bob and Larry had arrived at the residence of this so called Don Monkleone. He operated inside of a large can of Campbells Soup which had flies hovering around it.
Don Monkleone was a really classy chimp shall we say! He had decorated his entire condo to look the palace of a king. Now surprisingly, Don Monkleone was pretty cordial during his introduction to Bob and Larry. "What brings you to me condo in the middle of the night?" Don Monkleone inquired as he looked he wanted to make out with Bob, but who can blame him? Well I for one certainly can't possibly blame him. Can you? "Forgive us for intruding on you Don Monkleone, but you see my friend and I need some help. You see there's this big shot property developer who..." Don Monkleone held up his right hand in order to tell Bob to shut up. He had no interest in what Bob had to say, for he was far more interested in the sight of Bob's dearest best friend Larry. Monkleone picked Larry up and looked at him with adoring eyes as he asked; "who is you?" "I be a cucumber and my name is Larry." Larry explained as he then pretty much told Monkleone the exact same thing that Bob had tried to tell him earlier. "Ah say no more say no more! I will happily help you settle the score with that bastard Carrington, but there's something you can do for me first." Don Monkleone explained. "Oh yeah and what's that?" Bob asked in a rather sarcastic inflection which caused Monkleone to get right up in his face as he said in a cold dark voice; "don't smart mouth me tomato!" Bob gulped at the sheer size of Don Monkleone as he towered over Bob and Larry. A given considering the fact that he is after all a humanoid monkey thing from outer space while Bob and Larry are just humble vegetables from a kitchen counter. Don Monkleone went on to explain to the pair that he would help them out with Avery Carrington if and only if they were able to rob the First National Vatican Bank of London.
The First National Vatican Bank of London had been built in order to stash some precious gemstones from Arabi. The gemstones are the finest in the world according to many eyes including the eyes of yours truly. I was rather confused because Bob seemed to be completely willingly to rob the bank while Larry was the one questioning the whole thing. Larry asked; "but what if the Bank complains to the Pope and he sends Mr Tong after us?" "Ah shut up Larry!" Bob barked in a harsh voice as he and Larry agreed to go through with the bank job, but the pair knew that if they were going to pull off such a dangerous job they were going to need some help. At first, Bob and Larry tried to get some help from Jimmy and Jerry and they agreed to meet up in the local park. Sadly upon arriving at said park, Bob and Larry were horrified to find that the pair were getting torn to shreds by the Junkyard Dogs. Though Bob and Larry were able to repel the attack; the pair still died from their injuries. Bob questioned the Junkyard Dogs and their motives which is when their leader Butch revealed that several years ago in New York Jimmy and Jerry were informants for the police. "You really mean that?" Bob asked like some kind of Maurice to which Butch responded with; "nope. They wouldn't give us any doggie treats so we had to kill em. You understand don't you friend?" Bob wanted to kill that dog, but he feared to as Butch had a lot of friends in politics. With Jimmy and Jerry dead, Bob and Larry were forced to turn to their dear friends Junior Asparagus and Landon Eggplant.
Now, Landon Eggplant had been planning to rob the bank for a very long time and he had developed a full scale map of the bank's vault and security system. The heist took place two days later in the very early morning as the foursome rationalised that no one would think to rob a bank first thing in the morning. Junior Asparagus had the easiest job of the four which was to distract the guards at the front door. Well there was actually only security guard who looked disgusting. His teeth were sharp and deformed, and he didn't even speak English. He spoke... well to be honest with you I don't even know what language he was supposed to be speaking. It would be appear that Junior had no trouble understanding what the security guard was saying, and he was able to lure the guard away from the door by pretending to be a blind poet who needed help crossing the street. The security guard being a very good samartian offered to help Junior cross the street. Meanwhile, Landon Eggplant using a helicopter he had stolen from the local military base grappled down onto the rooftops of the bank. He then climbed through the ventilation shaft until he reached the security room. Now because Landon Eggplant is a very sadistic bastard he ended up garrotting the security guard who was watching the CTV. That poor security guard didn't even know what hit him as he was busy drinking a cup of coffee. The killing of the security guard angered Bob greatly as Landon had assured him that there would be no killing on this job. Landon then proceeded to switch off the alarm system which allowed for Bob and Larry to walk right through the front door without any hassle or cassle to speak of. Not even a casserole? Dawning large white fedoras, Bob turned to face Larry and lamented about the killing of the aforementioned security guard. "Come on Bob let's go there'll be time for mourning later." Larry said as he and Bob finally made their way inside of the bank.
Heading towards the vault, Bob and Larry were surprised to learn that Landon Eggplant had hired an accomplice to unlock the vault for them. It was a clown named Grumpy who had been tricked by Landon into thinking he was going to catch his big break and get a big slice of the dough. Grumpy by focusing on his toe was able to break the vault's door down with ease. Bob and Larry then made their way inside of the vault and stole themselves bags upon bags of gemstones. After getting the gemstones tucked away in duffle bags; Larry cried; "now let's get up out of here!" The trio left the vault and made their way into the main lobby of the bank where they got shot at by the bank manager. Junior was meant to distract the manager by putting laxatives in his coffee, but the manager had seen through the ruse by giving the coffee to his pet bumblebee because he's quite a bastard. The bank manager tried to best gun down the trio, but he ended up running out of shotgun shells which gave Bob the opportunity to shoot at him knocking the manager down onto the ground. Grumpy meanwhile got up from the floor and asked; "WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO COUNT!?" Bob apparently didn't find that joke very funny as he then proceeded to kill Grumpy as well. With the bank manager dead, Bob and Larry made their way out through the fire exit. Of course before leaving Larry made sure to stuff an incredibly spicy ass fruit into the bank manager's mouth. Ass fruit is incredibly dangerous as it causes smelly mustard gas to release into a person's body. I mean the bank manager is pretty stupid because he just let it happen; even though he had plenty of time to remove the ass fruit. Don't judge him though cause that bank manager ain't too bright. I mean seriously who keeps a bumblebee as a pet? That's honestly just really sad. In any case, Bob and Larry left the bank via the fire exit and reconvened with Junior Asparagus and Landon Eggplant.
Using an old rusty red Volts Wagon Beetle; the foursome were able to make their way down to the local train station where they hitched a ride on the first train back to Don Monkleone compound. During the train ride back to Don Monkleone, Junior Asparagus took off his face revealing himself to be a bumblebee in disguise. The bee looked incredibly angry and it caused Landon Eggplant to jump off the train never to be seen again. Landon Eggplant is a serious melissophobe which helped to explain the reason for his freak out upon learning of Junior's true identity. Junior then proceeded to strip out of his makeshift vegetable costume and he began buzzing around the train carriage until he got squashed and killed by a local Cartel gangster. Bob and Larry spent the rest of the ride back to Monkleone playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. Arriving back at Monkleone Plaza; Bob and Larry were rather puzzled by Don Monkleone and his uncaring attitude about how the pair were able to rob perhaps the hardest bank to break into in the world. Monkleone poured the pair a glass of wine as he asked; "so uh what happened to the rest of the guys?" "Oh uh... they died." Bob admitted. Monkleone then proceeded to lift Bob high up into the air as he yelled; "I know you killed Grumpy! I know because the bank manager phoned ahead to inform me that he was taking part in the robbery. Grumpy is... or well was a very good friend of mine. He paid his respects to the Simeon Family." The Simeon Family were a crime family from out of town. Grumpy was a high-ranking lieutenant of the Simeon Family and he and Monkleone had grown up together in the Postman Pat Housing Project. Grumpy's talent it was said was that he could a bank robbery or any small time burglary really without any backup or people who might rat him out. This helps to explain why Landon Eggplant had issued Grumpy the task of breaking into the Vatican Bank's vault.
Don Monkleone was so furious when he heard that Bob had killed Grumpy for his share of the gemstones that he had given a tip off to the police department to have them come arrest Bob and Larry. "You backstabbing bastard!" Bob yelled at the very top of his lungs, but it was too late for that now as a large SWAT team came crashing into the compound armed with incredibly powerful weapons. Wanting to take his chances and knowing that prison life probably wouldn't be that bad, Bob was planning on turning himself in but Larry had other ideas. Grabbing an AK47 from one of Monkleone's bodyguards; Larry charged towards the SWAT team which is a move he immediately regretted as he ended up getting gunned down by the SWAT team. "LARRY!" Bob cried but he had no time to mourn his fallen best friend... at least not yet anyway. Bob then told the SWAT team to look up at the sky, and the SWAT team did as they were told and they were so memorised by the disgusting piece of gum which was stuck to the ceiling that Bob was able to escape the area undetected. Bob caught the next train to I Don't Know City, and he held up there for a couple days and got the gemstones converted into premium American dollars. Bob returned to London on the Thursday evening, and the following day at dawn, he met up with Avery Carrington inside of his limousine and gave him the $50,000. Carrington sniffed the money as he said; "I have to say; I'm impressed kid real impressed. Well a deal's a deal. Enjoy your home." Bob thanked Carrington greatly for sticking to the deal as he made his way out from the limousine and back inside of the house.
The episode then transitioned to show Bob sitting on top of the kitchen counter looking very dishevelled. He appeared to be rotting as there was a foul green odur coming from him. There was also files hovering all around him. Bob says; "oh Larry how could I ever have been so stupid? I should have been smarter. I should have turned down Don Monkleone's offer. Me and you should have moved to Mathemagic Land and settled our affairs." That's when Bob's eyes lit up as he said; "there's no use in fighting it anymore. Larry's dead but I'm still here. It could be time to start anew, and begin a new life far away from here." Bob then made a pogo stick appear magically and he used said pogo stick to hop his way back to the train station where he once again caught a train to I Don't Know City. Arriving in the city, Bob settled in a rural countryside area just ten minutes away from the hassle and bussing city life. Using some of the leftover millions he earned from the bank job; Bob bought himself an old abandoned farm and he was able to find himself some steady employment as a sheep farmer. Life was getting better by the minute! Don Monkleone eventually gave up the search for Bob believing that the young tomato probably most likely turned States. Monkleone was busy anyhow as he was planning on bribing the Prime Minister so that he would be able to convert Big Ben into a massive casino. For Don Monkleone planned on turning London into the next Las Venturas, but will the bad guys let him do it? I don't know probably as Don Monkleone was always known to own a fief which brings him some extra money on the side, but nothing too crazy don't worry about it okay my FRIEND? Bob's life was finally starting to get back on track but much like with Richard Bagg's medical school dreams it all had to come crashing down at some point or another.
One fine Summers morning in the middle of June, Bob had gotten up early in order to tend the flowers which were all daffodils. Yeah Bob doesn't really know much about how to run a farm and he didn't realise that daffodils are weeds. This helps to explain why Bob had no other plants growing, but he didn't seem to mind as he gave his precious daffodils a good long water when he heard a loud noise coming from the gate. Bob headed on over to the gate and saw that local bully Fat Billy Nobair was trying his best to climb onto Bob's field. He was climbing into the field in order to escape from a local bull which was trying to chase him down. The bull wanted Billy's blood because Billy had unknowingly rolled an old purple ball into the bull's domain without an invitation. Not wanting to run the risk of the bull possibly destroying his land, Bob offered to speak to the bull about lessening Billy's punishment and Billy agreed happily. Sadly, while climbing his way back up the gate, the bull came charging towards Bob and stabbed him with one of his horns. Bob didn't die from that however as he was a tomato with two lives. Bob fell to the floor and began hopping away only to then get sat on by Fat Billy Nobair and that's what killed Bob. Fat Billy Nobair got what was coming to him however don't you worry your beautiful head about it. Upon returning home, Billy's incredibly fat mother who was racist towards the Cartel for unknown reasons demanded that her son retrieve the purple ball as it had been in the Nobair family for generations. Billy gulped heavily as he was going to have to deal with a rather pissed off bull. I still wonder to this day what Fat Billy Nobair had done to the bull in order to upset it so. I also really do wonder what happened to Billy after he went to go and get his ball back, but sadly the world may never known cue the saucy music.
Suddenly, Bob appeared on screen wearing a long white robe and he had wings coming out from the back of it. He also had a golden halo appearing above his head signifying that he was now an angel. Bob made his way through the Perley Gates and reunited with the angels of his fallen friends Larry, Junior Asparagus, and Landon Eggplant. Jimmy and Jerry were also there with Jerry singing opera in order to prepare himself for the big tour to Italy where he would meet an incredibly cynical opera master who hated Jerry even before he started singing. What an arse! An arse for a farce I say! Upon reuniting with Larry, Bob asked; "so Larry what do you want to do now?" Larry then proceeded to pull out an Xbox from his mouth along with a copy of Shrek 2. Bob pulled an incredibly smug face which made me sick. Very sick. Bob then asked in a rather smug inflection; "would you quit reading my mind?" "I AM SORRY BOB!" Larry cried as he began floating towards the sky as he had done in the theme song. Bob looked up at Larry with an incredibly shocked face as the episode then cut to show the pair along with Landon Eggplant and Junior Asparagus all playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. Larry then turned to face the screen as he said; "are you having stroke?" The episode then cut to the credits which showcased Landon Eggplant dressed up in 1970's disco gear. He was dancing with Disco Stu to a song by the Bee Gees. It would appear that Landon has finally gotten over his melissophobia and that's just beautiful. Of course, not as beautiful as my local bishop but come now nothing will ever be as beautiful as that.
After the episode ended, it showed a SICK post credit scene which featured Ronald McDonald dancing like a mad man as he then turned his attention towards the screen. "Kids! Take the colouring sheet home to your parents and have them sign it. Bring it to your local McDonalds and you'll get a free price!" "Oh bugger it!" Glyme yelled angrily as he picked up the ps2 with all his strength, and he ran over to the balcony. Monk Trunk and I gave chase in an attempt to stop him, but it was far too late for old Jerry had already thrown the ps2 off the balcony and it fell to it's death on the cold dark streets below. I had no time to mourn the fallen ps2 however as I could see a bunch of pissed off Russians coming our way. They were being led by Steve Claude and Jimmy Karnov. That old shrew must of squealed! She must of set us up, and given us a red herring. Oh why did it have to be a red herring? Why couldn't it have been a blue herring for a change. I ran downstairs into the main lobby of the cathedral and I made my way over to the front door where I attempted to barricade it with a old rusty sword from 1450's France. I could hear Steve on the other side of the door saying; "that old shrew says these pricks are planning to go into the witness protection program. Mr Faustin can't have that! We have to kill them right here and now." For once in his entire life, Jimmy Karnov finally spoke up against his boss' stupid ideas as he said; "but Sir attacking the church isn't that a bit tacky? A little too respectful? A little too..." Karnov was cut off as Steve began choking him all the while ordering his troops to storm the cathedral.
Having no other options left; I ran back up to the bell tower and was surprised to see that Detective Pierre had finally returned in order to help us out with our battle against the forces of Steve Claude and Jimmy Karnov. Jerry Glyme using a huge cauldron was able to pour boiling hot battery acid onto the streets of Empire Bay below. The battery acid helped to kill most of Steve's goons, but that's when his reinforcements from Greenfield came into help with the raid. After many failed attempts, Steve and his crew were eventually able to break through the front door. My friends and I made our way downstairs where we began fighting against Steve and his reinforcements. Some of these guys weren't even working for Faustin they were just regular street mooks who had been paid by Steve to help him raid the cathedral in exchange for a pizza party in their honour. Hmm seems like a bit of hot air to me! During the chaos, Jimmy Karnov corned Monk Trunk in the far end of the main lobby. Karnov pulled out a dagger as he asked; "any last requests." "I hope you've got a good heart Jimmy cause you're about to meet God." Monk said coldly as he pulled out his own dagger from his arse much to the disgust of Karnov. Monk was known to store daggers in his arse. An age old tactic taught to him by his Grandmother Edgar. A fine woman I might add! Monk threw the dagger towards the sky where it managed to cut the rope which was holding a huge boulder. The boulder fell from the sky and on top of Karnov crushing him to death in the process. We use the boulders in order to teach kids the importance of stones in regards to the Bible. Probably a pretty dangerous idea having a boulder hang from the ceiling, but don't judge me for I was not the one who installed it. That honour belongs to Archbishop Hall!
Jerry Glyme and Detective Pierre made their way back upstairs towards the bell tower with Steve Claude in hot pursuit. It's worth mentioning that while pursuing the pair, Steve was pulling an incredibly scary face implying he intended to sell Glyme into the salt mines... either that or he was very aroused. "After them!" I yelled at the top of my lungs as I gave Monk Trunk a piggy back ride to the very top of the bell tower. We made our way out into the balcony where we saw Steve defeating Detective Pierre with ease. Steve grabbed Pierre by the neck and throw him to the over side of the building knocking him out in the process. Some help you were Pierre! Steve then went on to grab Glyme by the neck and held him over the edge of the balcony. I tried running at Steve because I'm pretty stupid, but I was held back by Monk who said; "leave it Thomas it's chicken town." "What?" I asked as I turned around to see that Steve had dropped Glyme, but Glyme had managed to survive by hanging onto the edge of the balcony. Meanwhile, Steve pulled out a large whip as he got ready to push Glyme to his death, but the whip got caught on a nearby gargoyle who then... and I'm not even joking here came to life. The gargoyle who introduced himself as Steel McNeal began singing towards Steve with; "hey Mr Bell Ringer what's going on?" Steel grabbed Steve and proceeded to throw him off the balcony where he fell to his death. Meanwhile, Glyme no longer having any strength left decided to let go of the ledge. "I love you all." Glyme said with tears in his eyes as he fell towards the streets, but then something amazing happened! Glyme fell towards the cold dark and downright smelly streets, but just before he reached impact a pair of angel wings sprouted out from his back. Glyme flew through the sky with tears in his eyes and he let out a massive fart. He then went on to fly towards the sunset, but Monk Trunk and I knew deep in our hearts that he would return one day. Stay another stay another day! Ha ha!
We spent the rest of the evening cleaning up the cathedral as Archbishop Hall would be returning in three days time as he had hired a journalist named Ned Burner to cover up the diamond rumours by any means necessary, and Ned was more than happy to oblige just as long as Archbishop Hall did him a few favours such as giving him access to the church's confession centre twice a week. I heard Ned had some business going on with some wise guy mobster, but I can't say if it's true or not. I have a line of inquiry though so don't you worry. Don't you worry don't you worry now! At the end of the day, Detective Pierre parted from our side as he was going to have it away with his hot wife up in the Bongo Hills. Meanwhile, Steel McNeal caught a bus to the airport where he would then catch the next plane to Vice City. Before leaving the cathedral, Steel gave me a huge hug as he gave me Monk and I a hug as he said; "if you ever need some help. Just give us a shout." Steel then started walking down the streets towards the bus stop only to then get run over by a local double decker bus. Should of looked both ways before crossing the road Steel! While getting ready for bed that night, Monk worried about a possible reprisal from Steve's boss Mikhail Faustin, but I told him to get some sleep. "Monk listen to me; Steve was a piece of trash. Faustin doesn't care about him. All he cares about is making money ya know? Now.... GET GO TO SLEEP!" I yelled angrily as Monk and I drifted into sleep. It was the best night's sleep I've had in years!
The following day, I awoke early to the sound of hard knocking on the front door of the cathedral. I got out from bed as I grumbled; "it's probably Pierre." I made my way over to the front door and opened it only to then get knocked down to the ground by an AK47 carrying Russian named Andrei Bradford. Monk Trunk appeared from behind me brushing his teeth, but quickly dropped the tooth brush upon seeing Andrei aiming his gun at him. "Come on fatty the boss wants a little chat!" Andrei barked angrily as Monk held his arms up in the air in sheer terror. Monk and I were brought to Faustin's Mansion in Highbrook in order to answer for our parts in the murder of Steve Claude. Upon coming to, I received a massive slap across the face from Faustin's right-hand man Dimitri Rasaclov. Dimitri pointed towards Monk Trunk who was gagged with a smelly towel soaked in vinegar as he said; "we had to gag him to stop the screaming." Dimitri then pointed accusingly at Andrei as he said; "you shouldn't have brought them here Andrei." "Why not?" Andrei asked puzzled. Dimitri then left the basement leaving Monk and I to be interrogated by Andrei. Andrei demanded to know who we were working for. I told Andrei that Monk and I were just humble Men of the Cloth, but Andrei was having none of that as he began beating me with a hacksaw! "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" A loud voice could be heard yelling as none other than Mikhail Faustin himself came running down the stairs with Dimitri in toe. Upon seeing Monk and I all tied up and beaten, Faustin asked; "good lord what are you doing?" "Nothing...." Andrei said rather awkwardly. Faustin called Andrei a smelly toe rag even after hearing from Dimitri that Andrei used to be a friend of a friend if you catch my drift. Catch it through the grape vine!
Mikhail Faustin sat down on the chair next to me as he asked; "so Father... do you and your friend think that it's okay to kill my employees?" "If he is an asshole yes." I admitted which resulted in Faustin shooting Andrei in the head killing him instantly. Faustin justified his killing of Andrei by saying; "asshole looks at me like I am piece of shit." Faustin then admitted to Monk and I that he also hated Steve and thought he was an idiot. In fact, the only reason that Steve was even still employed in Faustin's organisation was because Faustin was having an affair with Steve's sister. Monk and I then performed a few odd jobs for Faustin which included stealing some flat screen TV's and blowing up a car factory belonging to a rival Russian family. Monk and I eventually earned our freedom and we were allowed to go back to the church. Before leaving however, Faustin reminded Monk and I that he saved our lives because it was Dimitri who wanted us to be killed for murdering Steve not him. After thanking Faustin for letting us go; Monk and I returned to the cathedral and were delighted to see that Archbishop Hall had finally returned from holiday. He was dressed in a stereotypical Hawaiian shirt and he asked; "so what'd I miss?" "Oh... your grace where do I even start?" I joked to which Archbishop Hall responded by putting his large hairy hand on my shoulder as he said; "start from the best part Archdeacon O'Brien." I screamed in delight and looked over at Monk who was eating some Turkish Delight all the while pulling a face which looked like he had shat his pants most of been from the raw chicken and gone off potatoes we had for breakfast this morning. Yeah; I eat raw chicken for dinner what of it? I don't give a hoot!
I finally got my wish. I was now archdeacon and I finally had everything I could ever have wanted. Monk Trunk meanwhile remained a monk. Archbishop Hall had planned on promoting Monk too, but it was then learned that Monk was really responsible for stealing the diamonds from the Bikini Bottom Mint. Upon learning of this development, Archbishop Hall pulled out a large slipper as he yelled; "you son of a bitch I'll kill ya!" "Uh phone a friend?" Monk Trunk asked awkwardly as he was chased out of the cathedral by Archbishop Hall. Using the balcony as a vantage point, I was able to watch Archbishop Hall chase Monk all through the town. You know something? Maybe life as a man of the church is not as boring as I had initially thought. So remember friends; always trust a wealthy shrew because who knows? She may just be the key to Steve Claude's undoing and your promotion to archdeacon. That my friends is something you all need to remember. K bye!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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