The Rugrats in: The Rats Take the Cheese
This is a fictional joke story written by RogueWeather/Schizima. Don't take it seriously.
Does anyone remember the Rugrats? I'm pretty sure it was a great show, but I don't remember much about it. Weird thing is, I used to remember a lot more as a kid. As you get older, time speeds up and you have less of a chance to reflect on your past experiences. It's almost like you turn into a lessor copy of yourself as time progresses.
Now, one thing I do know for definite certainty is that Rugrats was a KIDS show, but there's a rare missing episode of Rugrats you've probably never seen.
I know what you're thinking: "These lost episodes are a dime-a-dozen. They're all fake. There's no way that this guy watches this much weird fucking TV." Well, let me fucking tell you something, you smug prick! There's a whole lot you don't know!
I used to work for Nickelodeon. The whole company is run by a bunch of old sweaty men that are focused on sucking the pennies out of little Jane and Eric's lunch money piggy bank, so that they can get: EXTRA SPOILERS! On their Chrysler and Jeep vehicles and fuck their 45 year-old ghastly, mail-order hookers with Sisyphus.
I was babysitting my nephew Jobriath when the phone rang. I had been putting some slick Murray's hair pomegranate in my stylish retro hairstyle when I promptly picked up the phone. It was my supervisor, Don.
I worked as an animator part-time, 20 hours a week for Nickelodeon. I was considered a buffer in the industry. There were some small issues with a piece of animation in pre-production. A character could be missing eyes, or eating breakfast when it's clearly night outside. When they needed little things like that fixed, they called me.
Unfortunately, the episode that I ended up taking a look at was nothing like what actually aired. I never liked that show, it was for babies. I'm a GROWN MAN, and I watch EXCITING television shows, such as He-Man vs Skeletor and Robotron's Power Robots with Powerzords.
The tape came in the mail in a manila envelope. I was supposed to watch the tape, take a few notes, and send it back for post-production when I got back into the office. Technically, the episode was completed, it just needed some finite touches for the American public to ingest like so many pounds of pizza dough per year.
This manila folder was labeled "SR2300 - The Rats Take the Cheese". I got out my pen and paper, and got some delicious Jujyfruits, and made a Coke root beer float, and sat down and put the tape on, expecting another "typical" Rugrats episode where the babies go on some asinine adventure to the attic or some fucking shit.
Boy, was I wrong.
The intro did play as normal. The Mark Mothersbaugh-produced theme was music to my ears and a wonderful accompaniment to a show I merely regarded as work. The title, "Diane Gets an Abortion", mad me terribly confused. Diane was the name of Deedee, or Tommy Pickles' mom, in case you don't know.
The episode played like any other, with the babies sitting around their playpen, talking. They were arguing over what make-believe scenario they could come up with this fuckin' week. One wanted to be a pirate in the 1700's, and another wanted to be a World War 2 bomber in the 1940's, but what Chuckie said concerned me.
"I want to be a reporter in the 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center!"
There was the sound of black noise in the background. It was someone in the kitchen, cooking. The sound of utensils clattering was extremely loud, it REALLY hurt my ears. I made a note about the 9/11 reference and the overt noise in the sequence. While this was pre-September 11th, I was still concerned about what exactly Chuckie was talking about. The picture was also slowly fading between black and white and color. I think it was supposed to be a past event occurring, but it was hard to tell.
Tommy's gums were bleeding something fierce. I guess it's normal for a baby's gums to bleed, but the blood surrounding the tartar on his one cankerous tooth was far too graphic for what the show usually portrayed.
The babies decided to play professional wrestler. The scene cut to a fantasy sequence of them all pretending to be their favorite wrestlers. it was all fine and well, until a REAL wrestler came in and started attacking the babies. A GROWN, MUSCLED, 300-POUND WRESTLER THAT LOOKED LIKE HULK HOGAN entered the ring and started attacking the babies. He gave Chuckie a piledriver, shattering his glasses, he picked up Phil and Lil and wore them like shoes while he stomped around the ring, and he threw Tommy at the rubber of the sidelines. He flew like a basketball across the room, slammed onto the floor, and the wrestler dove straight into him!
You might think it was merely a dream sequence, but blood was everywhere. 4 dead babies laid on the floor while the wrestler showboated his skills to the audience, to the thunderous applause, I might add. I made a note about how this was NOT family-friendly, and no one wanted to see dead babies. Tommy's father Stu walked in and immediately left the room when he saw the dead babies. It's not that he actually did see them, I guess, but he saw something which made him turn around. Nobody else seems to even acknowledge the babies.
"Our new playmate is arriving today!", Phil said with a stern look on his face. A grown German man entered the room and began to play with the babies, and played patty-cake. "Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's mud?! YOCKH!", he yelled. He sat there and played in their birthday party. The babies seemed relaxed somehow, but I was thoroughly confused. "He won't leave us alone...!", Tommy said, crying. In fact, the babies opened the playpen and left to climb upstairs.
The German man followed them up there, and Stu was nowhere to be seen. As they climbed the stairs very slowly, the German man followed them, not interacting or stopping them, but following them. All of a sudden, there was the sound of an explosion, thundering a a powerline outside, I think. There was a shot of the babies' bedroom, but It was just a guest room now. "We have to get our clothing.", Tommy said with a stern look on his face. They went into the attic and opened up a chest full of musty clothes. I heard the sound of snipping, and some bloody cord was in the corner.
"I feel...", Tommy started.
Suddenly, the film cut completely. I made a note about the abrupt transition, but the camera cut to a scene of Tommy, who seemed to have assembled himself out of the other babies. Maybe they were holding him up. He was in an overcoat, not walking naturally. But I dropped my notepad when I saw what had happened next. Tommy dropped the coat, perhaps deliberately, I'll never know. Dozens of dead babies, including the extended cast, were glued to Tommy's body. Tommy was dead too, his eyes were completely hollow.
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