The Same Old Caillou Lost Episode
Hello. My name is, uh, Jeremey. And you know what Caillou is, right? It's getting a reboot for Peacock, and that's when the apocalypse is happening. I have the supplies to prepare for it. ANYWAYS, you've probably never heard that Caillou had a lost episode, right? Well, I'm here to tell you that I've seen it, and it was spooky. Ooh, so scary. Is it working?
So, the story begins on a fine day in, a place on Earth where people only named Jeremey live, and I was going out for a walk. But then, I saw a man. He looked like a game show host with blond hair, tan skin, slight wrinkles and a smug as all heck face. And that was understandable, because he was a salesman. He was setting up his small emporium of wares and stuff. I came up to him and said "Hello there. I would like to buy something you are selling". The salesman gave me a DVD and said "Get rid of it. I can't continue selling my doo-dads and one purpose possessions here if I still possess that". So I took the DVD, wondering what he meant by "one purpose possessions" and what was so bad about this DVD. While I was walking away, just like, a bunch of people showed up to buy his stuff.
I finally made it to my house and just realized what the guy meant by "one purpose possessions". He had most of his stuff to just sell. Huh. Anyways, for the real meat of this story, I finally put the DVD into my DVD player, sat on my favorite green sofa, and oh my god, it was an episode of Caillou.
The intro started up as normal, but there were a couple odd and scary differences. I'll list them here.
- The sky was raining. And not just any normal rain, it was blood rain.
- Everyone was frowning, boo. How scary.
- The theme song was slowed down and sounded like a music box was added.
- In the end, when Caillou appears, he had no skin. It was just a hunk of flesh in the shape of Caillou.
After the theme song, the title card appeared. It said "Caillou Goes Mad". I was wondering "Wait, shouldn't it say "Caillou Gets Mad""? I simply shrugged it off assuming that the writer wanted to write an eye catching title. Oh little old me. Silly, silly me.
The episode started off with Caillou sitting outside with a notebook. It looked like he was drawing something, but I never saw what it was. Then his mom called him in for dinner. But then I saw him put down his notebook, and pick up a mallet. I was shocked. This is a preschool show. They would never show its main character with a mallet. Anyways, Caillou walked inside his house wielding the mallet and with a slasher smile on his face. His parents were wondering what he was so, happy about. Caillou then said "I'm so happy. Happy about THIS! He proceeded to run to his mom and smash her face in with the mallet comically. Comically? What? Anyways, he then smashed his dad's ribs with the mallet and ran to the cupboard and grabbed a knife. He then logically, cut up a cucumber and laced it with cyanide and fed it to her sister, Rosie. She ate the cucumber and was knocked out cold. Caillou then put Rosie in the microwave for 6 minutes and 27 seconds. If you're wondering how I got that time, they showed the time in the actual program. I then proceeded to die with the ability to see the TV for 6 minutes and 27 seconds because there needed to be an excuse for me to watch the microwave scene for that time. After that, I came back to life when the microwave scene ended. But then I looked at the TV, and Caillou was looking directly at me. He had just, like, regular human eyes. It was like Clutch Cargo, but instead of the mouth, it was the eyes on a drawing. He then said, "Caillou is watching you. He knows that you're sitting on a green sofa, Jeremey." I was surprised. How did he know I was sitting on a green sofa? And how did he know my name was Jeremey?
The show faded out, and a message in French appeared. It said, "Courir. Caillou a regardé l'émission avec vous, et vous ne l'avez jamais remarqué. Donc, euh, il va te tuer maintenant. Ouais ouais ouais. Sérieusement, courez." But I didn't understand French. I then saw a cardboard cutout of Caillou with a mallet next to me, which I never noticed. And because it was a cardboard cutout, I just ripped it. And I guess somehow the show knew I did that, because I looked back at the screen, and it said "Merde." Which I assumed was a curse word in French.
I was wondering why they would make this. So I contacted, drumroll please! (dudududududududududududu!) WildBrain. Because DHX Media became WildBrain, and DHX Media bought out Cookie Jar. They told me that they didn't know that the episode existed, but they recalled hiring one guy to do some work for them. So I assumed that, that guy did everything. The animation, the storyboards, the backgrounds, the voice acting, the editing, the MUSIC editing, just everything. So, yeah. That's the end. With barely any blood in it. How nice.
A skeleton then proceeded to climb out of my body, take my passport, and become a citizen of Turkmenistan. The skeleton now inhabits the body of a guy named Guvançmyrat, and is dating a woman named Gültaç.
Introducing the new kid in town, THE Mr. Mike T. McBaxter, to you.
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