The Shadow Reader's Dark Secret
Author's note: This story is a funnypasta and is therefore not intended to be taken seriously. With that being said, I hope you enjoy and please make sure to leave your thoughts and feelings in the comment section down below.
Do you know of the candy brand Sour Patch Kids? If you don't allow me to explain what they are. Sour patch kids are really a fricking gross chewy soft candy with a coating of invert sugar and sour sugar. They are extremely popular over in the United States, and have sporned a mirage of other products like sour patch ice cream, sour patch pizza, and even sour patch electrical equipment. Due to their popularity, a lot of people often speak in defence of the sourness of the Sour Patch Kids. However, some people like myself can't stand Sour Patch Kids. One such man who couldn't understand the hype behind the candy was none other than The Shadow Reader himself.
The Shadow Reader was and still is to this day a long time hater of Sour Patch Kids as well as the entire Sour Patch Company in general. Shadow has made countless YouTube community posts and even videos talking about his utter disdain for the company. Whenever someone mentions the word sour patch to him; Shadow responds by pulling an incredibly shocked face. So shocking in fact that even scares the dishes. Now that's true fear if I may say so myself. Because of Shadow's posts, a lot of his fans have also spoken about their hatred for Sour Patch even though many of them have never tried the stuff before. However, what Shadow's fans didn't know is that The Shadow Reader had a darks secret. He was a liar.
In reality, Shadow loved Sour Patch, and I mean really love. Shadow can't get enough of the sour taste and has about 5000 crates
currently stacked up in his basement as I'm writing this. Whenever the Sour Patch Company releases a new addition to the Sour Patch Family like the Sour Patch Pizza, Shadow is on that shit right away! He will stop at nothing until he gets his hands on it. It wasn't a simple love for a product no my friends it is a full on addiction!
Shadow's addiction had gotten so bad that he made fake YT posts talking about how much he hated Sour Patch. Why was Shadow doing this? Well with no one buying Sour Patch due to Shadow's slanderous posts; he was free to have all the Sour Patch products he could ever want. Sometimes people would call Shadow out for this, but he laughed a mighty laugh by sending a hitman to remove the unruly user. Shadow's love for Sour Patch had gotten out of control for even Otterton to handle. It was the true reason why Otterton hadn't appeared in one of Shadow's live streams for such a long day. Otterton just couldn't stand to be around a Sour Patch Kids loving maniac all the damn time. Can you blame him honestly?
The Shadow Reader was very lucky and had made direct contact with Mondelez International who produce Sour Patch Kids, and struck up an alliance with them. Basically, Shadow went to Mondelez International one day and started doing Fortnite dances in the main lobby. "Oh stop dancing you weird little man!" The incredibly fat front desk manager said. "Only if you give me all the Sour Patches you've got!" Shadow replied as the front desk manager responded with, "anything! Just as long as you get the fuck out of here!" "Oh but that's not all I want." Shadow said before continuing with, "every week for the rest of time, I want ten trucks of Sour Patch Kids delivered to my house, and I want it all for free!" "Free!? Are you insane?" The front desk manager asked in an outraged tone as Shadow simply responded by busting into some more Fortnite dances. "Ok we'll do it!" The manager cried as he made a hasty phone call to the head of Mondelez International.
Mondelez International reluctantly complied with Shadow's demands, and each week sent ten more trucks full of Sour Patch Kids and other Sour Patch products for Shadow to enjoy. Each truck contained about 9000 crates of Sour Patch. Anyone else would get sick after consuming just one crate, but not Shadow. Oh no! In fact, Shadow could make his way through an entire truckload in less than three hours. You may think that it's impossible. Trust me I wish I was lying.
Shadow was becoming more and more devoted to the mythos and the lure of Sour Patch Kids. He even built himself an entire shrine dedicated to the candy. He prayed to it every night before going to bed and every morning before going to work. Shadow didn't even eat actual meals anymore. Nope every evening, Shadow would have himself a lovely plate of Sour Patch Kids. Sometimes, Shadow would cook the Patches in a pan and eat them flaming hot, Sometimes, Shadow would put the Patches into a blender and drink them down like a milkshake.
Shadow went as far as to take his addiction to work. At work, Shadow made sure to eat Sour Patch Kids for every single lunch break and I really do mean every single lunch break. He'd even put the blended up Sour Patch Kids and place it into a flask so he could always have Sour Patch on the go. Shadow had thought of everything. Also, Shadow's love of Sour Patch Kids had seriously weakened his passion for making YouTube videos.
Shadow never confided anything about his addiction to Sour Patch Kids to anyone. Not even his closest friends on the platform like Queen of Lions, Space Voyager, BC Network, SirHorror, Random Fiend, etc knew about Shadow's problem. He had successfully managed to keep his secret hidden from all of them. He just couldn't take any chances and couldn't risk his secret getting out. He had to hide with all his power. This was one of the many reasons that put a great strain on Shadow's YT career.
You see; making YouTube videos was just too much for The Shadow Reader ya know? He needed the time required for video making to eat more Sour Patch Kids. Shadow debated making another video about his hatred for Sour Patch just so he could put even more people from buying stuff from the company. Yes even though Shadow received 10 trucks a week full of Sour Patch products; he still went out into town every day to buy some more from his local 7/11 and even his local dealer. Yes Shadow had an actual Sour Patch dealer named Eddie Karnov.
Eddie Karnov worked at Mondelez International from 2012 to 2017. During Karnov's tenure at the company, he rose from janitor to second in command of the entire company. Sadly, it all went downhill after a bad experiment went wrong. Basically, Mondelez planned on making Sour Patch Rats which involved throwing live rats into the Sour Patch official chemical formula. Mondelez fell into the formula which somehow turned him from being a normal human into a fricking crocodile with a German accent. Karnov was fired not long after, and longed for vengeance. He started selling Sour Patch to people on the streets for $15.99 a piece without giving a penny to Mondelez International. He would steal crates from Mondelez's warehouse, and then sell them onto the streets. So how did Karnov come to meet a crazed Sour Patch addict like The Shadow Reader? Well let me tell you my bucko.
One day, Shadow was walking home from an incredibly busy day at work, and decided to take a shortcut home through some dodgy looking and quite frankly very smelly alleyway. Walking down the smelly damp alleyway, Shadow was grabbed by Eddie Karnov who said, "hey buddy wanna some of these?" Karnov then proceeded to open up his massive overcoat revealing each side to contain bags upon bags of Sour Patch Kids. Shadow's mouth began to drool as he held out several £100 dollar bills. "Shut up and take my money!" Shadow barked as Karnov happily took Shadow's money into his claws. "You sure you want this much Sour Patch Kids?" Karnov asked which caused Shadow to slap him very aggressively. "Don't question me boyio!" Shadow barked angrily as he made his leave with several huge bags of Sour Patch Kids lining up his pockets.
Since then, Shadow has become Karnov's number one customer. Every day after work, Shadow made his way over to that same alleyway and bought more Sour Patch Kids from Karnov. When Karnov was picked up by the police and arrested for sweet trafficking; Shadow went out of his way to bail Karnov out of prison and luckily managed to succeed.
As a result of the sheer amount of Sour Patch Kids Shadow has taken into his body; he had become far more aggressive and violent even when nothing was wrong. For example, one day, a really sweet old lady came to Shadow's front door to ask for a donation to the local retirement home. Shadow opened up the door and asked in a gruff voice, "hello can I help you?" "Excuse me dearie would you mind taking five minutes of your time to listen about Rabe Maniels' Retirement Castle?" The old lady asked innocently. Appranately, Shadow didn't see that way. No sire he absolutely, positively, did not! He grabbed the old lady by the neck and yelled, "GET OUT OF MY FUCKING SIGHT!" Shadow then threw the old lady across the street, and laughed a wickedly evil laugh as the old lady flew all the way up to Hushaby Mountains. So sad.
Another incident occurred when Shadow was visited by one of his YT fans who was a chameleon. Yes an actual chameleon. How delightfully PG Tips. Shadow opened the door again and asked, "yeah can I help you buddy?" "Shadow! I'm your biggest fan. I have pictures of you all around my underground bunker. Even my husband Ratapat loves your videos!" The Chameleon then continued with, "would you mind taking a photo with me and signing my picture of you!" The Chameleon revealed his name to be Alister Jones while showing Shadow the picture. Alister even went as far as to put a pen into Shadow's hands.
Shadow did the autograph and handed back to Alister before asking, "would you uh mind I just got to grab something real before we take the picture?" "Sure Shadow go right ahead." Alister said happily as Shadow made his way inside his house. Two minutes later, Shadow returned holding a large baseball bat. "Hey Shadow what are you doing with that baseball bat? You wanna go play baseball or something?" Alister asked as Shadow yelled, "I'm gonna kick your ass!" Shadow then proceeded to chase Alister down the streets for hours upon hours. He eventually caught Alister, and proceeded to beat him to a pulp. Shadow then let out a massive incredibly smelly fart In Alister's face. Shadow then made his way home doing Fortnite dances all the way there.
It wasn't until Shadow's birthday that his family realised just how serious Shadow's addiction was. For his birthday, Shadow invited his entire family around to his place. His house was filled to the brim with Sour Patch Kids. His sister was so disgusted she nearly threw up. Shadow's family arranged for Shadow to be placed into therapy. Shadow began attending therapy sessions with Doctor Carrot. Dr Carrot advised Shadow to simply count his friends. Shadow had no idea what the fuck that meant so it didn't offer to take any of Dr Carrot's advise seriously. He continued to indulge in his Sour Patch addition and still does to this very day.
Shadow had even began selling his possessions in order to get his hands on more Sour Patch Kids. Even though he received 10 free trucks and like 1000 bags from Karnov every week it still wasn't enough to satisfy Shadow's cravings. He needed more! He even sold his damn Sega Genesis which stank of cheese. Not even joking. Shadow also began taking out bank loans from several powerful Russian gangsters in the area including Steve Claude debt collector for the Faustin Crime Family. Because Shadow regularly fell behind on his debts; he was often beaten to a pulp by Steve and his hired guns. "Where's my fucking money Shadow!? Mikhail Faustin will be having words with you soon!" Steve would say as he punched Shadow in the stomach with his mighty fist of mightiness.
If you ever get the chance to meet The Shadow Reader; please do not stay for lunch. Like seriously I'm doing you a favour by telling you that dear reader. Shadow will somehow manage to mix anything with Sour Patch Kids. Sour Patch Hamburgers, Sour Patch Lasagne, Sour Patch Sushi, and even Sour Patch Telemarketers. Yes Shadow is quite a sad strange little man and has my pity. Ha! Don't even bother trying to say "no" to Shadow when he offers you his Sour Patch themed meals. He'll shove them down your throat, and laugh menacingly as you struggle to chew them all down. Sometimes, Shadow will force feed a blended variant so that way he can just shove it down your gullet with no problems whatsoever. Also before I forget, I should also mention that Shadow doesn't bath in water anymore either no instead he bathes in Sour Patches because well why wouldn't he?
So my friends there you have it; looks like justice is blind! Sorry I meant so there you have it my friends; The Shadow Reader's dark secret. A secret he has tried his darn best to keep a secret; but I've got my sources. Oh I do love a good source. Ha! The Shadow Reader has turned from being a normal dude with a cool fedora and otter plush toy to being a mere addict of Sour Patch Kids. This is quite depressing. Though would some argue that perhaps society is to blame. So its hard to say who the real bad guy is in the situation. I mean Shadow didn't have to eat the Sour Patches. They didn't force him to eat them or did they? That my friends is sadly a story for another day.
So just remember if you see Shadow post a community tab talking about his distain for a new Sour Patch themed product or a new video ranting about Sour Patch Kids; just remember that he's lying through his teeth. Don't believe a word of it. Shadow may think his secret's safe but thanks to me the truth has been revealed! It's all just a matter of time.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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