The Simpsons Game Cursed Copy
They call me Cuban I'm the king of... something something. I don't really know being a socially awkward little snowflake I never really pay much mind to things like that. I ain't no Henry Tomasino! For I am a humble Christmas elf. My name is Cringy Benji a nickname I earned while at Fordham University when I caused a frying pan to catch on fire. That same fire nearly destroyed Fordham University if they didn't happen to have a fire extinguisher on stand by. Exiled from Fordham, I caught the first plane to the North Plane and made a pact to settle my affairs by getting a job in a shipping company down there. On my way to the shipping company's headquarters, I'll admit I kind of got a little lost and I spent the next two days traversing around the snowy mountain trains and harsh weather conditions until I was eventually spotted by two elves. They looked horrific. They didn't look anything like they do in those storybooks that me Gran Gran used to read to me when I wore a younger man's clothes. No Siree they absolutely positively did not! One of the elves named Dimitri was holding a lamp as he said; "Mr Clause would like to see you. Come with us." I did as told and followed the pair to Santa's Workshop. And that is where my troubles really began. This is because Santa Clause is a fricking bigoted asswipe who spends the whole year sleeping on his arse while me and my fellow elves do all the work.
Santa Clause or rather Robot Santa as he prefers to be called; is a very careless machine as he has no time for friends or fun. His anger makes that fact all the more clear let me tell you! Robot Santa considers himself to be above the law since there's no real law enforcement in the North Pole. He thinks that he can be as cruel as he wants towards his staff, and that no one will bat an eye lid. He truly is one sick bastard that Santa Clause as he once fed my mate Ricky to the reindeers who have turned ferial. They have ferial because Robot Santa refuses to feed them carrots anymore and instead feeds them elves because he wants the reindeers to become big and strong in the hopes that one day they may become a king. They really were a king under his control if you know what I mean? Now contrary to popular belief, Robot Santa is the not first Santa Clause in existence as once every something years a new Santa is brought in after the old one becomes so fat that their belt buckle loosens ever so slightly. The loosening of the belt buckle causes the Santa Clause to blow up into a million tiny bite size pieces. The previous Santa placed Robot Santa in charge before catching the first space shuttle into Jupiter until he had a run in with two police officers one being a dog and the other being a rabbity thing. But I'm sure you already know all about don't you? When a Santa dies or goes into his self imposed exile like Robot Santa's successor, an election is held for a new one. Most of the times big fat men from the county fair are picked to become the new Santa, and they are then trained for 40 days and 40 nights by an incredibly sinister Japanese instructor who has a head like a mangled grapefruit. The instructor is incredibly sinister and threatens to stab any elf that comes near him which have come from the fact that his brother is married to a canoe which has nothing to do with anything I just said.
Oh! Sorry about that I had to blow my nose... oh... okay there we go. Anyways, now OG Santa had built Robot Santa in the hopes of creating the ultimate Santa Clause and in a way that kind of worked. There was just one problem however. For Robot Santa appeared to have his own agenda as he was using the workshop to smuggle cookies into the French Ward, New Bordeaux. He had a lot of contacts down there it would seem. The other elves and I have been conspiring to get rid of Robot Santa and we have been anxiously searching for a replacement. This damn cricket who sat upon the hearth in Santa's penthouse suite was lobbying hard to get the job, but I don't trust him as he made fun of me for having no toe nails. That is one sick twisted cricket that is! Now of course replacing Robot Santa would be no easy feet when you take in consideration the tact that Robot Santa hated all of our guts but most especially me for twas I and my possible lover Gina who created the Endless Stocking Fiasco of 2018. Alright let me explain. Basically, this all occurred at a time when I myself was considering applying for the position of the next Santa Clause. To ensure my place in the Sun so to speak, my best friend and possible lover Gina created the first and last Endless Stocking which was basically a massive Christmas stocking with an endless supply of presents. We took the Endless Stocking to a nearby TK Maxx and if you don't know what that is then be a little nicer cause you may learn something. Gina and I set up residence underneath the floorboards of the store. Under the floorboards! Robot Santa thought noting of our absence as we had tricked him into thinking we needed to visit some sick geese up in Hepburn Heights. Robot Santa despite his flaws was a known animal lover as he had a pet parakeet and a pet alligator. That damn alligator once chased an old lady's cat down the street. The old lady cried but really she was the bad guy in the situation for who could ever learn to love an alligator? Sorry what I meant was who could ever be so stupid as to have a cat and alligator living together. Damn fool!
Both Gina and I waited in vain for someone to come by and discover the Endless Stocking and on Christmas Eve 2018 it was finally discovered by a local woman who has no nose hair. That ain't right that isn't! Upon seeing her retrieve the Endless Stocking, I turned to face Gina as I proclaimed, "she found it!" Gino pulled on a lever as me and her began to have a massive seizure as the woman took the Stocking home with her because she is secretly cheating on her husband with a stocking from Greenoak, but she soon changed her tune once she realised the Endless Stocking's powers when it burped out a motorbike for her son. Over the course of the next year, the Endless Stocking became famous all around the world as it had endless presents to give. I mean who wouldn't love something that could give you endless presents? Also, it helped that the Endless Stocking had a voice and it sung the song Cuban Pete which just makes me smile. Sorry it just does. Sadly all good things must end with a fart as they say in Tuscany don't they Geppetto? On the anniversary of it's discovery, the Endless Stocking climbed up the chimney and flew through the evening sky despite the young family it had become settled with urging it to stay another day. Stay another stay another day! The Endless Stocking wasn't intended to go away for long as it was meant to return on January 1st. It was only leaving to see me and Gina as we hadn't seen the Stocking in well over a year. Of course, that plan came crashing down as the Endless Stocking ended up crashing into a jumbo jet causing a massive explosion. Of course, the plane was not damaged whatsoever because planes don't care what people think is impossible. That fact alone makes me want to vomit out my insides.
After hearing about the Endless Stocking via the morning paper, Robot Santa informed Gina and I that our arses were on the line! Oh and by the way don't even think of swearing in front of Robot Santa as he has a strict no swearing rule. If you're heard swearing while in his presence then you are forced to wash your mouth out with soap. Bad soap too. The kind that makes hands melt off like the cheese. If you can't do that then you are tied to a chair and forced to listen to the smelly Junkyard Dogs as they sing the worst sing you ever did hear! The less said about those damn Junkyard Dogs the better! Not wanting to get fired a solution was thankfully offered to us by the aforementioned cricket on the hearth. Cricket on the hearthhhhhhhhhhh! "I have an idea. Want to hear it? Want to hear it?" The cricket asked in a very sarcastic tone as it got right up in my grill. For being something so small, that cricket was incredibly strong and he nearly broke my damn neck with his strength. Hey watch it cricket! The cricket's plan was simple. He would supply Gina and I with a dodgy bootleg video game which would we then deliver to Robot Santa as a peace offering. Robot Santa has a known fear of bootlegs as well as eggs. The power of bootlegs is too strong for him to handle and will cause his little robot head to blow up into a million tiny bite size pieces. Once Robot Santa bites the dust, the cricket on the hearth will rig the election votes in my favour so's I will become the new Santa Clause and Gina will become a house fly or something I don't really know how ole cricket put it. I mean he did explain his entire plan in song form, but the song wasn't very good as it included a lot of overly obnoxious fart noises and bad puns. I think it has like 2% on IMDB which is pretty darn bad in it? "So what game is it exactly?" Gina inquired to which the cricket began puffing on a pipe as he said; "The Simpsons Game."
The Simpsons Game is a 2007 platformer produced by EA and it of course based on the popular animated sitcom The Simpsons. Well it certainly isn't Family Guy is it? Sorry about my heavy use of sarcasm. but it just angers me when people are stupid. Now I'll be honest with you; I'm not a huge fan of The Simpsons. I mean I've seen a lot of episodes mainly because my Gran Gran used to force me to watch it while I ate my disgusting supper of cat food. Yes she seriously used to give me cat food for supper. I got my own back however as one of those cat food cans just so happened to contain a prize for £500,000. I used that prize money for the flight to the North Pole. The flight cost me £25,000; the rest of the prize money is safely stashed at a Cuneo bank up in the Bronx but you didn't hear that from me. Of course, I also own a little fief which brings me some money on the side nothing too crazy however as I ain't no sadist. The cricket handed the game over to Gina an gave a wink as he did so. That bastard! After retrieving the game from the cricket, Gina and I made our way over to Robot Santa's office and learned that he was in the middle of having a private meeting with his bodyguard Johnny Worthington The III. Johnny Worthington studied at Coolidge College and had made his bones as a feared enforcer by working as the President of the Roar Omega Roar fraternity which have been in league with Delta Iota Kappa (DIK), but this I will have to confirm via an inside source. Oh I sure do love a good source I tell you what! Now, Johnny had been recruited into the ranks because Robot Santa was becoming dangerously paranoid as of late ever since the betrayal of Snowden to be exact. Ever since Snowden's downfall, Robot Santa now suspects everyone and everything of conspiring against him. Not that I can really blame him since Gina and I were planning on killing the bugger by making him play that damn cricket's bootleg game.
Upon entering Robot Santa's office, I was floored by Johnny Worthington who asked; "who are you working for Sonny Jim?" "Nobody! And my name is Cringy Benji. You know that Johnny." "It's Mr Worthington to you ya scumbag!" Johnny bellowed as he pulled me back up onto my feet. Despite his brutality, Johnny Worthington was actually once a pretty nice guy as me and him were... well not necessarily friends but mutual acquittances you could say. Sadly that all ended when Gina and I decided to prank Johnny by decapitating his beloved pet pig and then placing the poor thing's head into his bed. IT WAS JUST A PRANK BRO! Sadly, Worthington didn't see it that way and it began our long lasting rivalry. Robot Santa sat behind his desk puffing on a robotic cigar as he asked; "you two wanted to see me? This had better be important cause I got a meeting with the High Council in two hours." "Yeah well I think it's worth hearing us out." I said to which Johnny responded by asking; "oh really how so?" "This!" Gina proclaimed happily as she then proceeded to throw a Christmas present at Robot Santa's face. He opened the present up, and screamed in joy when he learned that it was The Simpsons Game. Robot Santa was a proud fan of The Simpsons and was actually a modern Simpson fanboy and defender. As a matter of fact, Robot Santa had quite the number of unpopular opinions when it came to The Simpsons as he detested the show's first 8 seasons which are often in great acclaim as being the show's quote on quote golden age, and he loves the Mike Scully era which angers many local bar goers greatly. It was the main reason that Robot Santa never goes out drinking anymore.
Robot Santa commanded Worthington to bring in the Xbox 360. Worthington did as told, but while leaving to retrieve the Xbox from the storage closet he glared at Gina and I as he said; "this had better be good or else... well you know." "You'll take us out to dinner?" Gina inquired which caused Johnny to pull the most disgusted face you ever did see. It was such a disgusted face that your intestines will literally burst our from your body if you see it. That's why it's probably best to always be wearing protective eye goggles when talking to Johnny Worthington The III. Gina and I however have grown accustomed to Johnny and his whim which is why we were immune to such things. Johnny came back into the office ten seconds later and was carrying the Xbox 360 proudly in his hands... only to then trip on the wire and fall face first onto Santa's taco which for some reason he was keeping on the floor as he liked to eat food from the floor. But this is a secret and he threatened to kill Gina and I if we ever told anyone about it. Johnny snatched the game out from Gina's hands as he said; "let's have a look then." He placed the disc into the Xbox 360 and it caused the console to make horrifying sounds. It sounded like a hoard of bumblebees stuck in a vent and it made me feel incredibly uneasy as I suffer from melissophobia but I couldn't do anything to remedy the situation. I couldn't even leave the room as Johnny pointed his big meaty finger at me as he warned; "don't stay down!" With nothing better to do anyway, both Gina and I sat our arses back down as we got to watch to see just what this bootleg Simpsons Game had to offer. I turned to face Worthington and smiled grimly at him. The rats were about to be flushed out of their holes, and it would be my pleasure to take care of these renegade pasta bakers.
The game started by showing no EA logo. Instead a still image of the lucky cricket on the hearth appeared on the screen and he was winking at the camera. A tagline appearing beneath the cricket read; "Vote Cricket!" I gulped heavily as Johnny Worthington glared into my eyes as the game cut to show the main menu. The sky was orange and the letters were purple instead of red. Also, the music playing in the background wasn't an instrumental version of The Simpsons theme no it sounded like All Star by Smash Mouth. I held back the urge to vomit as Robot Santa selected New Game. The game then began with the Simpsons Family sitting on the couch when Homer has a dream all about being in a land made from candy. The candy world looked awful! All the sweets and chocolate were mouldy and had worms coming out from them. The chocolate river meanwhile looked like sewer water and that's of course when the white chocolate rabbit appeared on the scene. The white chocolate rabbit then began proposition Homer to eat him as usual, but this time around Homer seemed to be a lot more interested than just simply eating him. Homer and I'm not even joking here tried to shove his head up the rabbit's arse when he got pulled aside by an incredibly team of bumblebees. The bumblebees picked Homer up with their immense strength and flew him all the way towards their nest on the other side of Candy Island. Who needs Candy Island anyhow? It's sweeter at the docks! Arriving at the nest to end all nests, Homer came face to face with a huge tub of honey. Really huge like legit it was the size of the Empire State Building. Probably anyway.
Homer ate the honey but then something happened. Something horrible happened. Suddenly, large disgusting wings burst out of Homer's back and his eyes turned beady and black. Meanwhile, Homer grew a pair of antenna on his head and a stinger came out from his butt. He had become a bumblebee! Bumblebee Homer was not a very good bumblebee as he tried his best to learn how to fly. While attempting to learn how to fly, Homer ended up crashing all around the damn hive and accidentally ended up clicking the self distract button which was placed onto a chandelier located at the very top of the hive. After doing that, the entire hive caught on fire as all the bumblebees turned against Homer. They tried killing them they did, but that's when a very stupid crocodile came crashing through the walls of the hive in order to hit the pesky bees. The fire was just a cover up for the true self destruct that being of course the aforementioned very stupid crocodile. The crocodile ate all the pesky bees. The crocodile had developed such a hatred for bumblebees because they insulted him for being so dumb. This crocodile is perhaps the dumbest crocodile you'd ever see. He constantly tries to solve a jigsaw puzzle by slamming two pieces together unaware that he lost the box with the rest of the pieces many moons ago. Twas a honey bee that stole it from him not a bumblebee. That crocodile don't give no shits though so he ended up wiping out the entire hive. Meanwhile, Homer returned to Springfield and had somehow managed to return to normal. There was a deleted cutscene in the game files which featured Jarvis The Cookie Wizard giving Homer a potion to turn back to normal, but it was cut out due to Jarvis having a pay dispute with EA or something.
The next level began with Bart getting his Grand Theft Scratchy game stolen from him by Bill Sykes. Sykes picked the game up in his big meaty hands and let out a massive fart as he remarked, "mm smells like victory." At that moment, Sykes clicked his fingers and commanded his two pet Dobermans Roscoe and DeSoto to give chase to Bart. Poor Bart only just managed to outrun them by taking a scenic route through some dodgy looking and pretty smelly alleyways! Oh, and it's also as good a time as any to bring up the fact that Springfield didn't look right. It looked really disgusting and the streets were very dirty and crime ridden it would seem as there were practically drug dealers and pimps on every corner. Eventually, Bart came across the manual for The Simpsons Game which fell from the sky. Bart looked up at the sky and saw a boat just hovering in the air, and once it caught sight of Bart spying on it the boat sped off towards the other side of Springfield. Thinking nothing of it, Bart picked up the manual and began scanning through it as he asked; "hey Milhouse wanna make a prank phone call?" Bart must of been drunk or something because there weren't no Milhouse present during this little exchange. Also, very much like Homer's bee form in the previous level, Bart looked nasty as his teeth were as sharp as knives and his eyes gave off this demented animal look. He was also 1% yellower than normal which made both Gina and I vomit all over the floor. This caused Johnny Worthington to make a disgusted face as he was then forced to scrub the floors by Robot Santa. Gina and I both looked at Johnny with triumphant looks on our faces like some kind of Donald Love as Bart met up with Homer who was hiding in the sewers though it's left unexplained why he was hiding down there in this bootleg copy.
Homer and Bart made their way underneath the sewer where they came across an underground museum which seemed to be dedicated to hamburgers or rather steamed hamburgers as there were portraits located all around the place which had pictures of define steamed hams. Homer and Bart made their way through the museum until Homer eventually decided to stop and take a closer look at one of the portraits. Homer shoved his face right up the portrait which showcased one of the steamed hams with the bun taken off and he remarked; "those hamburgers are obviously grilled!" "No no I said steamed hams! That's what I call hamburgers!" A voice could be heard proclaiming in one of the back rooms. "Come on let's go catch it out!" Bart proclaimed as he and Homer used a step ladder to climb on top of an old boardwalk area which was somehow suspended in the air. Homer and Bart made their way across the boardwalk area in order to get a good vantage point. The pair then peered down to the ground in order to see who had spooked them. They couldn't believe what they saw! Principal Seymour Skinner was dealing hamburgers or rather steamed hams with a bunch of gangsters including Bill Sykes. Mr Sykes picked one of the burgers and remarked, "hmm looks good enough to eat but does it taste any good?" "Why don't you try it and find out... fat fuck." Skinner said. He had said that last bit under his breath mind you. Sykes took a huge bite out of the burger and it must not of tasted that good as he looked very sick after eating it. Poor Sykes couldn't even digest the thing so he had to keep hitting his own stomach so that the burger would travel through properly. After somehow managing to fully ingest the burger, Sykes turned to face Skinner with a smile as he said; "excellent. Consider your debt accounted for. Have the boys ship the burgers out to Shelbyville tonight and we'll talk more about financing." Sykes said as he and his pet Dobermans then made their leave. Sykes coughed out some cough drops as he left through the cat flap. Rude bugger! Could of just used the fire exit ya know Sykes?
Seymour Skinner was then confronted by Homer and Bart as they made their presence known. With Bart's slingshot and Homer's immense strength, the pair were easily able to defeat all of Skinner's guards. Homer pulled out an old 1920's service revolver and pointed at Skinner as he asked; "why do you call them steamed hams Skinner when they're obviously grilled?" "Oh don't you see Superintendent Chalmers needs me terribly." Skinner sang to which Bart asked, "what the hell you talking about man?" "Looks it's as simple as this. I call them steamed hams in order to fool Chalmers into thinking my cooking is actually amazing. You see; I bought some hamburgers from Bill Sykes and I fed them to Chalmers pretending they were steamed not grilled. Now, Sykes wants me to help join in his hamburger smuggling scheme, and he's ordered me to make some steamed hams." "You've could of just said no." Bart said but Skinner shook his head violently. According to Skinner, Sykes received a call from Chalmers inquiring about the steamed hams. Believing that somehow Skinner had somehow changed his ordinary grilled smelly burgers into steamed ones; Sykes opted to force Skinner to prepare some steamed hams which would in turn help pay off Skinner's debt to Sykes. Of course, Superintendent Chalmers then appeared on the scene and came crashing through the walls of the museum. He was riding a snow mobile and leaped off the mobile just as it crashed into Skinner and caused him to topple onto the floor. Chalmers then yelled; "SKINNER!" "Superintendent Chalmers! What is the reason for this visit?" Skinner inquired. Chalmers responded to this by grabbing Skinner by the arm very aggressively as the two men made their way through the fire exit. "You've got a lot of explaining to do." Chalmers said. Skinner turned around to face Homer and Bart who laughed at his misery. Skinner looked very sad as he was taken away in Chalmers' purple sabre to discuss his involvement in the steamed hams trade.
The game then cut to a terrifying picture of two ducks eating KFC in a junkyard before finally coming back to show the next level beginning. Bart and Lisa were hanging around outside the Nuclear Powerplant. That's when Bart decides to show Lisa the manual for The Simpsons Game. While Lisa scanned it's contents, the screen then cut to show the Springfield Dam which showcased a bunch of beavers attempting to build a dam. "Hey what are you eating?" One of the beavers asked another who responded with, "bark." How fucking reverting. Lisa gasped when she learned from her mole who just so happens to be a mouse with a severe nose injury that Mr Burns had hired the beavers to build a dam in the Springfield Dam. "Why would Mr Burns do that?" Bart asked Lisa who responded with, "oh Bart can't you see? Mr Burns wants to block the Dam so that all the water will stop coming through to Springfield. Once everyone starts begging for water, Mr Burns will raise the prices of bottled water up to 55%." Mr Burns was indeed trying to get people to buy more bottled water, but not just any bottled water mind you. Mr Burn's Private Select Spring Water. Rival water bottle companies had already been long disposed of by Mr Burns and Waylon Smithers long before Bart and Lisa had even stepped foot on the factory. Using Bart's skateboard, the pair were able to make their way to the Springfield Dam. Using the power of God, Lisa was able to lift up a large oak tree and she threw it onto the edge of the Springfield Dam so's that she and Bart could use it to get down to the beavers' level.
The beavers didn't take very kindly to Bart and Lisa arriving on their home turf without an invitation and they tried to kill the pair because beavers are fucking monsters it would seem. Once again by using the power of God, Lisa was able to throw large stones larger than any man at the beavers defeating them. The beavers not wanting to lose any valued compost decided to ask Bart and Lisa what their plans were exactly. "Wow you beavers are so stupid!" Lisa remarked. Hmm that seemed rather out of character for Lisa to have said that. Perhaps a little too arrogant for someone of her calibre. Whatever that means. Lisa basically told the beavers to wake up and smell the spicy foo as Mr Burns was clearly just using them. Needless to say, the beavers didn't much believe Lisa and her accusation that Mr Burns was using them. "Then come with us." Lisa said as she and Bart led the beavers straight back to the Nuclear Powerplant. The pair and the beavers made their way towards the parking lot of the Nuclear Powerplant and Bart paid a visit to a local street vendor who was selling trampolines. The street vendor was Queequeg and after handing Bart the trampoline he asked; "want go to sea?" Queequeg was very out of character today as he then tried his best to get Bart to smoke weed with him, but Bart declined as he rightfully should have done! I ain't scared of no drugs! So while Queequeg got high as fuck on weed, Bart presented the others with the trampoline. Using the trampoline, Bart and Lisa as well as their new beaver brethren were able to get a first stand look at Mr Burns' office.
Inside his office, Mr Burns was discussing his plan with his dearest dear assistant Waylon Smithers. On his desk, Mr Burns had laid out a full model of Springfield. "Oh it's so simple Smithers why didn't I think of it sooner?" Mr Burns asked as he began marvelling his model of the Springfield Dam. Smithers then asked nervously "but Sir what will Congress say should..." "Congress? Poppy cock Smithers!" "But what about those beavers who are helping to block the Dam?" Smithers inquired. "Well; once they've done the work we take care of them." Mr Burns explained as he held up a model figure of one of the beavers. Mr Burns held the model tightly as he then with all his strength tried to break the thing in half but it was no use. "Uh Smithers." Mr Burns said awkwardly as he handed the model over to Smithers who broke the beaver model for him. Mr Burns got up from his desk and made his way over to his window which overlooked the parking lot. Suddenly, Mr Burns could see something on the horizon. "Smithers! Binoculars!" Mr Burns commanded as Smithers handed him a pair of binoculars. Using the binoculars, Mr Burns was able to see the beaver clan coming right towards him. "Duck!" Mr Burns yelled at the top of his lungs as he and Smithers both ducked underneath Burns' desk as the beavers came crashing through the window along with Bart and Lisa. The pair laughed albeit a little evilly as they watched the beavers beat the shit out of Mr Burns and Smithers. After getting revenge on Burns, the beavers parted ways with Bart and Lisa and exchanged an emotional goodbye in the parking lot. I wiped a tear from my eye which caused Worthington to glare at me as the game then cut to show Marge just chilling in the town square. Just across the square look at Quasi there!
Ahem! Sorry about that; anyways, Marge decided to rally up a crowd of protesters in order to stop the production of the brand new violent video game; Grand Theft Scratchy. Using a megaphone which stank of gone off eggs, Marge was able to attract thousands upon thousands of protesters. Marge then proclaimed; "let's storm the Mayor's home!" Knowing that Marge and her mob could very easily kill him; Mayor Quimby opted to make an urgent distress call to Sam and Max. "Sam and Max get your asses down here pronto!" Mayor Quimby cried into the phone as he then got eaten by his pet monster crab. Yes, Mayor Quimby owns a monster crab for reasons I can't possibly tell you. "We're it on Mr Mayor!" Sam proclaimed into his police radio as both he and Max had taken the call while in their car. Funnily enough; the pair were already on their way to Springfield to pick up some Glazed McGuffins. Meanwhile, Marge was in the town square using her special megaphone to round up more and more townsfolk to help in her crusade against Grand Theft Scratchy. Wanting to keep Mayor Quimby and GTS safe from public scrutiny, Sam pushed a large red button located on the car's dashboard which caused two large machine guns to come out from the sunroof. The machine guns fired bullets after bullets of hot steamy fudge. Yes they shot fudge because Sam and Max weren't allowed to get shoot actual bullets as the Geek didn't want to install them out of fear of losing favour with the Secretary General. "Oh buggering buggerton Max! This not steamy steamed fudge doesn't appear to be doing a thing!" Sam whined. "Don't worry Sam I have a plan!" Max proclaimed happily as he made a machine gun appear magically and he began doing a drive by shooting on some Sindacco apes who were trying their best to protect Marge who had bribed them with her gingerbread cookies.
At this point in the level, Marge went a bit crazy you see and using the family sedan she made her way over to Springfield International Airport all the while Sam and Max entered the airport by using the side entrance. Without any rational thought left in her mind, Marge drove her car through the airport and eventually happened upon a large fleet of zeppelins. Marge hijacked one of the zeppelins despite the pilot informing her that the zeppelin belonged to Cybus Industries who would be very angry with Marge if they found out she stole their damn zeppelin. "I don't care!" Marge barked as she kicked the pilot off the zeppelin and began taking off towards the sunset. Sam and Max were behind her and upon learning that she was now air born Max turned to face Sam and remarked, "well there's always the Dodo!" "You crack me up little buddy!" Sam laughed as he and Max made their way over to the far side of the airport where sure enough they came across an old Dodo Prop Plane. The pair had often used the prop plane whenever the Commissioner assigned them to tasks in far off places. Using the Dodo, Sam and Max were able to get right behind Marge and that's when like before Max stuck his head out the window and used the machine gun from earlier to shoot hot steamy fudge at Marge's zeppelin. A massive dog fight occurred in the sky as Marge tried her best to drive the zeppelin over to Shelbyville. Marge had been led to believe that Shelbyville was out of Sam and Max's jurisdiction. Little did Marge know that no where is beyond Sam and Max's jurisdiction. Eventually, Max managed to land one big blob of hot fudge right on the window of the zeppelin which caused Marge to lose control and crash the thing in the middle of the lake.
After landing the Dodo Prop Plane, Sam and Max held Marge at gunpoint which is when Marge started crying her eyes out. Well I will admit it was a rather emotional moment it was pretty clear in retrospect that Marge was only crying so that Sam and Max would feel sorry for her. Well at least Sam felt sorry for her anyway as Max was quite content to blow her brains out. "Whoa easy there pal!" Sam proclaimed as he lifted Max and his machine gun high up into the sky. Ultimately of course, the pair opted to let Marge go free especially after they learned she had kids. "I sure do love big emotional moments Sam." Max said dryly to which Sam responded with, "you got that right Max. Now first thing's first let's get Mrs Simpson back home to Springfield." So, the pair gave Marge a lift on the Dodo Prop Plane back to Springfield. Arriving in Springfield, Marge thanked Sam and Max for letting her go free while really smelly music played in the background. It sounded like a wizard farting into a trumpet in order to prevent a gorilla from eating his assistant. Truly a thing we've all heard at least once in our pathetic lives am I right? After the smelly song ended, the game did a smelly cut to the next level which began like normal with the Simpson family at their kitchen table yapping on and on about how they are. They were incredibly vain which made me feel sick. Very sick. I tried to run out of the room only to get handcuffed to the floor by Worthington who threatened, "if you make one wrong move I will eat you!" Having no other options, I was forced to light the lamps and by that I mean watch on as the game continued.
Now this level was pretty normal as all the advertisements in Springfield including Lard Lad all came to life like they did in that Treehouse of Horror episode. So while Homer and Marge dealt with the 50 Foot Eyesores; Bart and Lisa made their way over to the docks where the Sea Captain was trying his best to liberate dolphins. These were no normal dolphins however! These were really nasty dolphins who had machine guns and they were trying their best to kill the Sea Captain on the orders of their boss. Of course, Lisa being an environmentalist refused to let the Sea Captain nor Bart kill the dolphins and she tried her darndest to reason with them. "Surly even your kind has articles of war right?" Lisa reasoned. "Not really." One of the dolphins responded. It's worth noting that this particular dolphin was the only one who could speak English, and that he sounded like Matt Berry for some bizarre reason. I wonder what the story was behind that. "Whose in charge here?" Bart inquired as all of the sudden a large ship appeared and it ended up crashing onto the pier as whoever was driving couldn't drive for dog shit. A large anchor fell from the side of the ship and crash landed on top of a small security kiosk. The mysterious leader of the dolphins slid down the anchor and came face to face with Bart and Lisa. It was... um drum roll please... actually please don't do that it makes me sick when that happens. It was Colonel Dodo himself and his first mate Raison Man who fell into the sea after the ship crashed onto the pier. Colonel Dodo didn't bother helping his dearest first mate get back on dry land because he's quite a bastard. "Colonel Dodo! I should have guessed." Lisa said which caused Colonel Dodo to proclaim, "THAT'S RIGHT!" He proclaimed that so loud that it caused all the windows in Robot Santa's office to shatter open. Robot Santa didn't seem to mind as he looked to be very impassive about the whole thing really. Worthington meanwhile looked incredibly shocked. I laughed at his shocked state as back in the game, Lisa tried her best to use her reasoning skills on Colonel Dodo but he was having none of it.
Suddenly, Colonel Dodo busted into a groovy dance as he then pointed towards Bart and Lisa as he yelled, "boys kill them!" The reason behind Colonel Dodo hiring dolphins to take over Springfield will be explained in a little momento. Just wait and see will you kindly? Using his skateboard, Bart and Lisa were able to make their way over the streets of Springfield all the while getting chased down by machine gun wielding dolphins. Thinking quickly, Bart took a shortcut past Butcher's Creek wherever that is and led the dolphins into a sushi bar. The dolphins had no time to escape as they were cut into little pieces and served with a nice salad. Colonel Dodo meanwhile watched this entire exchange unfold through the use of a telescope. Wanting to prove how cool he is; Raison Man also watched the exchange with his own telescope. It was the longest telescope you will ever see! Colonel Dodo punched Raison Man's head as he ordered the little raison to prepare the factory. "If you mess up you'll be sleeping with the Raison Bran." Colonel Dodo threatened as Raison Man then began running down the streets. "Whoa whoa hold your horses dear raison!" Colonel Dodo cried as he pulled Raison Man back with his walking stick. Using the walking stick, Colonel Dodo then pointed in the direction of a horse and coach. "It's impossible to walk into town. You must have a cab! I insist!" Colonel Dodo proclaimed happily as he paid for Raison Man's ride. Now there's Colonel Dodo I know! The ride to the factory was incredibly awkward as Raison Man was actually sharing his ride with an incredibly miserable butcher who never smiles. The butcher was really awful at his job as he was carrying a dead Christmas turkey on him even though it was no way near Christmas yet. What a scumbag! Raison Man asked for the coachman to stop at Tesco so he could use the restroom, but the coachman Rude McBrude refused to stop as he yelled, "no stopping not now!"
Bart and Lisa after reuniting with their family they decided that they needed to chuck some corn and by that I mean well head to the factory obviously. The factory according to Lisa is where The Simpsons Game was made. How delightfully meta. Colonel Dodo appeared on the conveyer belt holding a revolver as he said, "sorry Simpsons but this is a new century. There ain't no place for you in the video game market anymore?" "It doesn't have to be this way Dodo! We could work together and things would be a whole lot easier." Homer pleaded but Dodo was having none of that I tell ya! "Raison Man show these fools what's in store for them!" Colonel Dodo commanded as Raison Man appeared on a balcony on the far side of the factory. Using a lever, Raison Man made several SNES copies of a really dodgy looking Simpson game appear on the conveyer belt. The Simpsons from that game appeared and pleaded for their modern counterparts to save them. I shall call these past Simpsons....8 Bit Simpsons. Colonel Dodo started dancing again which Homer responded to by grabbing Dodo by the neck and holding him over the edge of the factory. "Hey man I had no choice I was threatened!" Dodo pleaded but Homer was unmoved as he said; "who are you working for?" "I can't tell you that!" Colonel Dodo admitted as he then used an emergency teleport in order to get away from the place. With Dodo gone, Raison Man made a run for it and made his way out onto the streets where he got ran over by a Taxi. Ain't much better out there Raison! Meanwhile, the Simpson family rescued 8 Bit Simpsons and the two sets of Simpsons opted to head onward to the Theatre of past Simpson games. Things sure are getting dicey aren't they Mr Micey?
8-Bit Simpsons were a lot less fore coming in this version of the game and seemed to be very reluctant to tell the Simpson family how to proceed. Not wanting to waste any more time, Bart started strangling his 8 bit counterpart with a garrotte as Homer assured the rest of the 8-Bit Simpsons that they would suffer a fate worse than death if they didn't comply. Wow what a lovely thing to say am I right? Bart released his 8 bit counterpart when he said, "okay okay we'll talk. We'll talk." Homer then pointed a handgun at his own 8 bit counterpart as he threatened, "start telling!" According to the 8 Bit Simpsons, the Simpson family would have find three special key cards in order to have a conversation with the Creator who hides in his Mansion which is hidden behind the Golden Gate. Now in the original game there were actually four key cards, but I guess whoever made this damn bootleg was just lazy because they cut it down to only three. The 8 Bit Simpsons ordered their HD counterparts to retrieve the 3 key cards or else they will die. First up was Homer and Marge, and the pair decided to head to a Russian Mushroom Kingdom. No seriously; it was just the Mushroom Kingdom but everyone was Russian and is when Homer and Marge were roped into working for Evil Russian Mario. They had an audience with Evil Russian Mario in his private headquarters and he demanded that the pair help him overthrow the King. "But how could we betray the king's trust?" Marge asked. And I'm not really sure why Marge is trying to convey loyalty to the King when she hasn't even met him yet. The King is quite the bastard as he keeps birds located in faberge eggs. The birds are really annoying though and they wear really stereotypical Russian hats which look so bloody bad they'll make you gag! So perhaps the King is not as evil as it have seemed at first. Evil Russian Mario responded to Marge's worries by throwing a huge sack of diamonds onto the table as he asked, "does this do the trick?"
Despite Evil Russian Mario being the one to give Homer and Marge orders initially. The pair quickly turned it around and basically turned Evil Russian Mario into their lapdog. It kind of reminded me of the time Big Smoke was tormented by Frank Tenpenny for getting his drug couriers killed on the highways! Life is certainly not a highway! "Go in and take Moscow!" Evil Russian Mario barked as Homer agreed to do just that and rename it Homer Ville. This terrible name suggestion really disgusted Evil Russian Mario's drunk dog Elmer. Elmer was incredibly German and was also very drunk on well we can guess it was wimp rat juice. Anyways after concluding the audience with ERM wink, Homer and Marge made their way over to the King's pad which was really just a shed made from fiber glass. On their travels, the pair came across the three smelly birds with the really awful hats. Marge eyed one of the birds when she realised he had one of the three key cards located inside of his hat. Homer picked the bird up and yanked the key card out from it's hat. This made the bird look really sad and to be honest with you it broke my heart. Not for long anyway as I soon laughed because seeing those damn smelly birds in pain and sadness would be enough to make anyone laugh at the end of the day! Evil Russian Mario looked on with an impassive look as Homer and Marge transported themselves back to the Theatre. "Oh brother!" Elmer remarked which caused Evil Russian Mario to threaten him with, "oh shut up!" It's a me Evil Russian Mario! Of course, Bart and Lisa were given the next level which was called; "Ooh Tiki Tiki."
This level took place in a Hawaiian themed amusement park which had been built by Krusty The Clown as an apology for shit Kamp Krusty was. There was loads of inanimate Tiki heads who sang to Bart and Lisa as they used a canoe to traverse the amusement park. "Welcome to Krusty's Tiki Land!" The Tiki sang. Also one of the Tiki had a door in it's belly as Krusty The Clown made out from it and was wearing a hula. His eyes looked bloodshot and he looked like he was on crack possibly since 2004 when he was arrested for holding some files that Salvatore might appreciate. Don't tell him that though please! Thinking that Bart and Lisa had come to do damage, Krusty decided to unleash the ultimate weapon which turned out to a massive cyborg replica of himself. The cyborg was backed up by the Tiki Mafia who wanted to kill Bart most of all after he didn't like their fruit smoothie because it tasted like a rat shat in it. Using the power of God, Lisa picked up all of the Tiki and threw them into a great big bon fire which just so happened to be across the street from Ooh Tiki Tiki. Meanwhile, Krusty's Cyborg tried to stomp on Bart but it ended up tripping on a conveniently placed banana peel. The Cyborg fell towards the ground whilst really out of place but still epic opera music played in the background. Krusty meanwhile tried to make a run for it only for Bart to throw a Bartarang at him which caused Krusty to fall onto the floor.
Thinking quickly, Lisa snatched the second key card out from Krusty's pocket as Chief Wiggum appeared on the scene. "Hold it! Hold it! That isn't Krusty The Clown it's a mask!" Chief Wiggum then proceeded to yank the Krusty mask off revealing it to actually have been Sideshow Bob in disguise the entire time! Sideshow Bob smiled grimly at Bart as he said, "why the prodigal son has returned!" "Um what?" Bart asked but he was cut off as Lisa asked a question of her own. "What did you do to Krusty?" "I killed him and ate his liver." Sideshow Bob explained. At first Bart and Lisa both thought it to have been a joke, but it was not. Sideshow Bob then became terrified once Chief Wiggum started doing the dreaded Chief Wiggum Charm towards him. Sideshow Bob only just managed to escape with Chief Wiggum in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, Bart and Lisa transported themselves back to the Theatre. Lisa handed their key card over to Marge who said, "two down one more to go." At last! It was finally time to play my favourite level in the entire game that being of course Medal of Homer an obvious rip on the Medal of Honour series. Homer and Bart decided to take this one as do those who really believe. I sniffed my fingers as Homer and Bart arrived in France during World War II. The pair were being transported into a small French village on an army convoy which of course was being driven by Grampa Ape Simpson himself. Arriving in France, things immediately started to go wrong once Homer and Bart learned that Colonel Dodo was here and had taken over a rogue team of German soldiers. The transportation device used by Colonel Dodo earlier was actually a time machine ya see. Colonel Dodo was building up an army to steal some old Russian wood from the local Russian shop where the cashier insults you for not knowing how to buy a canoe. "Homer we can't allow Colonel Dodo to destroy old Russian wood!" Bart yelled at the very top of his lungs.
Medal of Homer played out more or the less as it normally does. "We've all have to move real fast kids. For Colonel Dodo's steaming like an ass." Abe Simpson explained as he dusted off his old musty helmet. "What that mean?" Homer asked to which Abe responded with, "what I mean to say is; ole Dodo and that little friend of his have built themselves an army." Grampa made some blueprints magically and they showcased a picture of the Mayor's house located inside the Eiffel Tower. Yes, the Mayor lives inside the Eiffel Tower right at the very top. The Mayor named Tortoise John was getting ready to meet with the dodo, the myth, the legend Colonel Dodo himself! While Grampa was busy dicking around by showing off blueprints to Homer and Bart as well as the rest of the platoon, Colonel Dodo and Raison Man had stolen all the old Russian wood and got ready to meet with Mayor Tortoise John at the very top of the Eiffel Tower. Ushered into the presence of the Mayor, both Dodo and Raison Man found him to be less than fore coming. The bastard Mayor was so he poured two big glasses of water but he did no share one with Dodo. He drank both down as he said to Colonel Dodo, "Cornelius let me tell you something. You own the Russian wood you own the land. People in France will do anything for premium Russian wood." Mayor Tortoise John made his way over to the balcony of the Eiffel Tower as he threw a penny onto the streets down below. An incredibly dangerous move as it ended up costing a local mime his life as it sliced him in two. Not like it mattered anyway. That mime had tuberculous. Believe me I keep an active file. Wink.
Colonel Dodo looked around the room and was held at gunpoint by Tortoise John's various guards. I should probably also mention that Tortoise John was a fat fucking turtle who sat in a wheelchair, and he escaped a run in with an outlaw named Rattlesnake Jake some moons back. He survived the ordeal under unknown circumstances and began operating in France after finding a time machine. Perhaps it's best we never find out how he found it. "So what you saying? You want to kill me now is that old sport?" Colonel Dodo asked as he got right up in Tortoise John's grill. The Mayor laughed. Oh! He laughed for awhile. Probably too long come to think of it. The Mayor then poured Dodo his very own glass of water as he said, "I would like to offer you a stake Cornelius." "Ooh with chips and mushy peas?" Dodo inquired which caused Tortoise John to groan heavily into his sleeve as he said, "I meant I would like to cut you into my business. I'm willingly to offer you 25% maybe even 32% of the profits made from the sales of this old Russian wood." Before Dodo could take a sip from the glass of water in order to help cement the deal, Abe Simpson came into the room carrying a large machine gun. "Say hello to Maude Flanders!" He then proceeded to unload bullet after bullet after bullet into all of Tortoise John and Colonel Dodo's guards. Thinking quickly, Mayor John threw a piggy bank at Colonel Dodo as he said, "the deal's off Cornelius. I'm heading to Las Venturas to discuss a deal with my bro Bill. He owns a casino down there so I heard." After saying that, Mayor Tortoise John's wheelchair suddenly grew wings. Nasty looking wings too mind you. Using the wheelchair with wings, Tortoise John flew into the evening sky. "Oh look there goes flying through the sky!" Raison Man cried at the very top of his lungs. "Not for much longer." Homer said ominously as he tried his best to shoot Tortoise John with a handy dandy M4 Garand but twas no use.
Before departing completely however, Tortoise John reached inside his fedora to reveal the third and final key card. He threw the card at Bart who only just managed to catch it before it fell into the seine. "Homer...Bart I'm a really sorry." Colonel Dodo said in the dumbest voice you'd ever hear as Homer got ready to blast his ass to kingdom come only for Bart to lower his gun to the ground. "No Dad there's more important things than Dodo now. It's time to liberate France from the corrupt forces of Tortoise John." "You're right boy! Let's go kick some German ass!" Homer proclaimed happily as both he and his cohorts made their way out of the Eiffel Tower and onto the streets of Paris. They hitched a ride with a younger wealthy shrew and she guided them into the French countryside where German troops formally led by Colonel Dodo were performing a raid on the local Dunkin Donuts. There was a time long ago yet not so very long ago that Dunkin Donuts were a thing in France, but they closed them down once the Germans destroyed it. Not taking any chances, Homer and his forces used their weapons to defeat all of Tortoise John's soldiers. They may not be able to kill the old fart but this'll hurt him a lot more than a bullet to the temple. After liberating France from the tyrannical control of Tortoise John though they were not able to save Dunkin Donuts. So sad. Colonel Dodo and Raison Man parted ways with Homer, Bart, and Abe as Dodo remarked, "this won't be the last time we see each other." "I really hope it is." Bart joked as he laughed so much it caused spit to come into contact with Raison Man's eye. Good thing he was wearing goggles though. "Adios amigos!" Raison Man proclaimed happily as both he and Dodo used the time machine to teleport back to their current time. Meanwhile, Homer and Bart parted ways with Abe as they returned to the Theatre.
After getting their bearings, the Simpsons family reunited with their 8 bit counterparts. "Right so what happens now?" Marge asked as she then continued with, "we've got the three key cards so now you can stop playing games with us OKAY?" Wow Marge is certainly much more threatening in this game than I'd of liked. What will Old Lady Windago think? "Use the key cards to unlock the gate and you will have your answer." 8 Bit Lisa explained as she and her 8 bit brethren disappear in a cloud of smoke. Very nasty green looking smoke to be exact as a loud voice could be heard echoing through the halls of the Theatre. An almighty "oooooooooooh," was heard as a big fat man wearing a green shirt and a black fedora appeared on the scene. "Oh crap come on Marge get those gates open!" Homer pleaded as Marge tried her best to get the damn key cards to fit into each slot of the gate. Meanwhile, the man introduced himself as Big Smoke as he began hugging Homer as he asked, "hey baby you okay man?" "Let me go!" Homer cried as Big Smoke released his grip as he then yelled, "man what the fuck do you care? We better do this shit then huh?" Then all of the sudden Big Smoke started twerking towards Homer in slow motion farting violently as he did so. FINALLY, Marge managed to get the gate open as she led the rest of the Simpson family through. As the rest of the Simpson family ran on through, Homer made sure to shut the gate tight as he began to follow his family into the unknown. Meanwhile, Big Smoke decided to get some food from the Theatre. The desk lady looked terrified as Smoke began to make his order, "I'll have two number nines, a number nine large, a number six with extra dip, a number seven, two number forty fives one with cheese and a large soda."
After entering the gate, the Simpson family discuss politics and spotted dick. Spotted what!? Ha! Ahem pardon me. Anyways, they came across a massive golden staircase and at the top of this staircase lied a huge pile of fluffy clouds. "No other way but up." Marge remarked as she and her family began making their way up the ladder only to end up inside the White House which was located in the clouds just like I always dreamed it was. Suddenly, FBI agents appeared carrying machine guns and aimed their weapons in the direction of the Simpson Family. One of the agents named D. Cooper lowered his sunglasses as he said, "Mr Biden would like to have a word with you guys. Come with me." Ushered into the office of the President, Homer immediately embarrassed himself by destroying Joe Biden's priced Lego Star Wars Death Star replica. He worked real hard on that Homer you jackass! They don't call you Jerkass Homer for nothing do they? Joe Biden then turned his chair around and was stroking a white cat as he said, "ah Simpson family I've been expecting you." "So you're the key to all of us then Mr Biden." Lisa said. "Smart girl biology." Joe Biden remarked as he lit himself a massive cigar. That line made me cringe real hard and it caused Worthington to start vomiting violently but again Robot Santa paid no mind to it as do all who truly believe. Joe Biden got from up his desk and began walking around the Simpson family in a circle. He then said, "oh yes, I created the Simpsons Game. I paid Colonel Dodo to give Bart the manual. I hired him and Tortoise John to take control of France and to steal the three key cards in order to keep you busy... at least for a little while anyway." Joe Biden poured himself a big glass of whiskey as he explained he planned on using the information he learned from the Simpsons and their various escapades in order to make games out of real people outside of the Simpsons universe. If Joe Biden could control the Simpsons just by giving them a flimsy little manual what could he do with actual humans who serve him?
Not wanting to allow Biden to take over the world with the power of video games, the Simpson Family challenged Biden to an epic boss battle. "Oh I do like the sound of that I really do!" Biden proclaimed happily as he made a Wii remote and nun chuck appear magically in his hand. This final level played out pretty much like it does in the original. Though instead of it being a dance battle against God himself this time it was against President Joe Biden. Of course, the Simpson family won the dance battle and before Biden could even catch his bearings Colonel Dodo's ship came crashing through the walls of the White House. "Missed me?" Colonel Dodo asked in a rather threatening tone of voice as he swooped Biden up with a water hose. "See ya around Simpsons!" Colonel Dodo saluted as he, Raison Man, Joe Biden, and the ship disappeared into the great beyond that being of course Minnesota. Walking in Minnesota. Of course with Joe Biden defeated and the world at their finger tips, Homer elected himself the new President of the United States and appointed Marge as his First Lady. Sadly, Homer and Marge both lost any moral code and became tyrants as they weren't content to just running the United States as using their secret forces they were able to take control of Moscow finally renaming it to Homer Land just like Evil Russian Mario and his drunk dog Elmer would have wanted I tell you! The game ended with the normal credits, and after the credits were over Rayman's face came on screen. He winked at the screen but the Xbox didn't seem to be able to handle that. No seriously! Somehow, the force of Rayman's wink caused the Xbox to start rumbling violently as the TV cut off. "It's gonna blow! Hit the dirt!" Worthington cried at the very top of his lungs as everyone in the room including myself hid behind Robot Santa's desk.
The Xbox 360 then exploded into a million tiny bite size pieces. I didn't even have time to register it as I was picked up from the ground by Worthington. Worthington gripped my throat tightly as he said, "you feeling lucky punk?" "Worthington let him be! We have important matters at hand. In my absence, that bastard cricket has elected himself the new Santa Clause. He's already got the High Council singing his praises." Robot Santa explained which caused Worthington to drop me down onto the floor. "What that mean?" I asked while catching my breath. "Means we're gonna have to kill him." Robot Santa answered. Worthington and Robot Santa made their way into the backroom of the office and pulled out a case of Thompsons which Robot Santa had been saving for a rainy day ever since the downfall of the tyrannical Snowden. Robot Santa and Worthington with Thompsons in hand were more than prepared to kill the cricket and anyone who dared look at them funny. Realising that what happened was my fault, I told Robot Santa and Worthington to let me handle the cricket. "Oh but you can't! You musn't!" Gina pleaded as she held my arm tightly. "Bitch get off me." I said as I rudely pushed Gina off. This is my story and I'm gonna finish it!
I headed into the main lobby of Santa's Workshop and saw that the cricket was working with the elves to unload some presents on his sleigh in preparation for the big day. This was only a practice run however as none of the presents being unloaded onto the sleigh were actually real. The cricket waved at me as he proclaimed, "ah Benji so how did it go?" "Swimmingly." I said as I then continued with, "well you know apart from the fact that Robot Santa ain't dead and you've taken control of the North Pole while we were busy dicking around in a bootleg Simpsons Game which to be honest with you broke my heart." I grabbed the cricket with my immense strength as I yelled angrily, "IT BROKE MY HEART!" "Whoa now take it easy buddy boy!" The cricket pleaded as I released my grip on him allowing for him to hop onto a nearby table. That's when I had an idea. A rather smelly idea to boot. Basically, I gave a really boring and downright smelly half hearted emotional speech which caused Worthington to vomit into his sandshoes. Hey nice sandshoes tight lipped bastard. During the speech, I reminded the cricket that there were indeed people out there in the world who were still indeed of his luck and that he couldn't bunk out of his duties now even if he was going to become the next Santa Clause. Taking my advice to heart, the cricket realised that I was indeed right and decided to head on back to London where he would reunite with his ex caretaker Caleb Plumer and his daughter Bertha AKA Tackleton's fiancée for those of you at home still reading the Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia funnypasta guide.
Although the pair were delighted to see the cricket back after so long, he brought about anything but luck as caused Caleb to turn senile and to start selling toys to street hoodlums against the orders of his boss Governor Tackleton. Meanwhile, Bertha got chased down the street by really angry geese after the cricket convinced her to rob eggs from Amos Slade. Bertha was not a very stealthy thief it would seem as she ended up setting off the duck alarm even though it was geese chasing her and not ducks. Amos Slade himself then appeared and began shooting at Bertha with his handy dandy double barrel shotgun. "Get her! Get her!" Amos cried at the top of his lungs. Oh poor old Amos! Hmm perhaps Caleb could gain favour with Tackleton by teaching him that he should love Christmas instead and that will make all of his problems just float away like a balloon who just so happens to be an acclaimed BBC extra. In that the dream? Not so lucky after all then ay cricket? Cricket on the hearthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
As thanks for saving the North Pole from the cricket; Robot Santa appointed me as the new head of the elves and my first assignment as head elf was to create a brand new endless Christmas stocking which will be indestructible. Gina and I have spent the last few weeks working really hard on it, but I've got some free time at the moment which is how I am able to tell you all this. Oh and by the way, after telling Robot Santa about how much money he could make from selling an endless Christmas stocking, he responded by pulling the scariest face you'd ever see. It was so scary that even Johnny Worthington himself was scared though he pretended to act otherwise. I'm sure Robot Santa will never make the same mistake that the previous 57 Santa Clause's made. I mean one got shot off the roof by a shotgun wielding Tim Allen and another became homies with the Red & Yellow M&M's after a series of unfortunate events. That's another story entirely however. Preparing this new and improved endless Christmas stocking is going to be a lot of hard work, but maybe we could pawn the work over to a goblin who has twigs coming out from his hat. Don't judge him however as he's very self conscious about his smelly hat. Anyways, goodbye for now my friends, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day. Well cloudy day depending on the smog. Heh heh smog! SMOG! Ta ra catch you on the rebound slick!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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