The Snorks Lost Episode
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This is a fictional joke story written by Schizima. Don't take it seriously.
Ever hear of The Snorks? I'm a lobster sexual. I turned myself into a lobster (like Rick Sanchez from Rick and Morty turned himself into a pickle) and I have sex with lobsters. Every morning I rub my cold crustacean claws on the makeshift cubicle tank I fill with water from the local sewer drain to enjoy soggy hot pockets, krill, sea urchins and hot pastrami filled with baby sealions. I was recently banned from the Red Lobster because I climbed into the tank and started hitting on the other hot and sexy lobsters... when I found out what they were planning to do with them, needless to say, I had words for the manager...and they weren't nice words. I told him I had a fish allergy and cut off his nose with my cold crustacean claws.
That's where I found the lost episode. It was my family reunion, and my father, who I had not seen for 20 years. The tape was given to me by a deep-sea captain who goes by the name of Captain Gorton, but before he could tell me the nature of the terrifying VHS, he was killed after an anchor crushed his head. I'm not taking about a device used to slow boats that are drifting through water; a news anchor murdered the sea captain, who was also my father. Needless to say, I have issues, and the reason I sexually identify as a lobster is because my father kept me in a temperature controlled tank filled with brine and placed rubber bands around my hands so that I wouldn't gouge the eyes out of my fellow lobsters in search of my prized sexual VHS tape.
I filled the room with room temperature water and began pouring salt, being careful not to allow the wires to touch the VHS tape player. I had a tape to watch! The Snorks: Straws for heads, under the sea where no one can bother them. Snorks: they suck water out of gills to get oxygen through a tube embedded in their skull, they are the first civilization and predate humans and crustaceans. Snorks: if you see one, murder it, they may look pretty on the outside but they use that straw to place an incision and drink your blood. Snorks: how do they speak English? Only Americans can speak English, not these quirky high quality characters of comfortable camaraderie.
This was disturbing. I watched the Snorks dance, sway, have a Hawaiian luau and one snork even murdered a prostitute, in highly graphic detail. One of the snorks picked up a piece of smoked fish dip and screamed, screamed that he was eating his own father.
The episode was about being safe during a thunderstorm while using a toaster. It all made sense now. The Snorks were always family friendly and they were being friendly with friends and family right now. One of the snorks claimed he was searching for the lost gold of Sextus Pompeius, and then he murdered a homeless man with his shoe. He removed the homeless man, who had drowned, he removed his gold fillings, and began to sing a sea shanty as his eyeballs drifted through Davy Jones' Locker. I'm not talking about gym class. I'm talking about the homeless being murdered by a species of ancient sea dwellers while the American viewing public sits idle and does nothing! Why did no one ever do anything about this? Am I the only one who was paying attention?
"Watch the Snorks." A voice whispered. I'm pretty sure it was the VHS tape. One of the Snorks is shown having a baby. It was a red snork, and it had a red baby! What happened next truly disturbed me, One of the Snorks informed the other Snorks that Adolph Hitler, the notorious German dictator, was among them. Indeed, there was one Snork that looked German, and he red paint over a Charlie Chaplin-style mustache. But that wasn't Charlie Chaplin. Charlie Chaplin can't breathe under water, and I'm not even sure if Hitler could, but I'll tell you one thing- I'm fairly certain, I can say with reasonable certainty...that Snork... It may have been Hitler!
The Hitler Snork plugged a toaster into an electrical outlet. A seashell toaster that bakes hot sliced pearl bread. The Snorks' favorite food! Hitler plugged the toaster in and everyone was killed, and then Hitler Snork got into a tiny submarine and sped off, laughing, and laughing at what he had done. He crashed into a school of fish and the submarine exploded, killing countless sea life and making me question why I even bothered to go to animation school when this was what people were drawing.
Hitler? Killed by a school of fish? Whoever made this episode needed to go 'back to school" because this was not appropriate TV Y7 programming. "Tis a terrible tape." It was my late father, Captain Gorton. "Tis true aye, I found the Snorks, son, before the anchor did me in, I found the tape, ol' captain buckeye set out on a quest for Hitler's gold, untold riches of the deep sea expeditions no mortal man has seen." What proceeded was 15 minutes showing a map of the Atlantic ocean and various "X's" leading to a riddle of sorts! I attached the VHS tape player and television to a portable generator and strapped it to my sides using intense lobster strength.
I was going to do it. I was going to find the Lost Treasure of the Snorks! I got in my 1987 Toyota Corolla and began driving into the Atlantic ocean. I know what you're thinking- cars can't swim, they will drown. I began eating some fried dough, my favorite food. That was when I saw the snorks, swimming, dancing, swaying. "Follow me!" One Snork went into a deep sea cave and my car got stuck, the portable generator caught fire and the VHS tape player stopped working. I was trying my best to following along, but dated technology and a pencheant for fried dough will only get you so far, and I began huffing, and wheezing, and crying, as I saw a long tube squeeze through the rolled up window.
...It was the Snorks. The snorkel tendril penetrated my skull and began sucking blood out of my face. The window cracked and water poured in, not that that mattered since I would've died from carbon monoxide from running a generator in a poorly ventilated shitty quality automobile at the bottom of the sea, but then I could breathe. All of a sudden, the pink snorkel began pumping oxygen into my lungs.
I was dragged along the seafloor of the Atlantic ocean, as none of the snorks spoke. My corpse was taken to the Snork high council, a group of robed individuals who decide the fates of deep sea maritime travelers who find out too much too soon. The snork that had given me oxygen had died, and it was turned into a biological battery that was now sucking in oxygen through a filtration system to pump into my veins. The dead Snork dangled from my neck as I drifted up the pearl staircase to address these distinguished deep sea dwellers.
They informed me that the reason the Snorks were so colorful was because they were trying to keep the population colorful through eugenics. I couldn't hear very well because I was in the ocean and there was a lot of sounds of whales fucking each other in the ass, but most Snorks are murdered at birth to control the population and ensure they look pretty, and refined, for the television, viewing public. He explained that sometimes multiculturalism is bad, if you use it to kill off 90% of the population to get a society that looks like a bag of M & M's. He explained that he told the cartoonist to draw Hitler in the tape because he himself was a nazi...my father was a nazi. "Mein fuhrer!" the captain screamed, blood pooling from an embolism in his thigh. And then he exploded. My father...exploded.
My dead father, who was also buried at sea, if you don't know who he is, I am the heir of Gorton's fish products. Captain Gorton, who once sold frozen fish sticks addressed the high council. "Don't turn out like me...son!" The treasure... I could see the treasure! A large, pleasant pink clam opened its lips wider than wide, revealing a toaster, instead of a pearl. The toaster was rusted, but it clearly worked. "Put an end to my evil plans my boy!" A clownfish handed me a mirror... a mirror. I looked, looked. I wasn't a lobster, I was a man. Lobsters eat plankton and regulate their temperature, men read fitness magazines and file taxes. My life was a lie. The only reason I ever wanted to be a lobster was because my father was never there for me. All those sleepless nights at Long John Silver's, demanding to know what happened to my next of kin. It was all a lie. "I'm a human." I screamed. "I'm a human!" I screamed again, but only the kelp were listening. And kelp aren't very good listeners. Kelp aren't very good listeners at all.
My father's skeleton was holding a fork, outstretched. I picked it up and inserted it into the toaster. I inserted, and inserted the fork into the toaster. Inserting, harder, and faster, and harder. The entire ocean exploded into electricity, and then... I heard the sound of applause! Water poured from beneath me, it was a common SeaWorld tank, but instead of sea life there were creepy plastic Snorks, staring, some with melted eyes, some with no faces, all the ones who were never loved who ended up at the bottom of the sea.
I fell over, naked, bleeding and cold. The audience...the studio audience was staring at me! Music began to play, shitty gameshow music, as this was a tv set. They had lured me here as a prank. It was an elaborate deep sea suicide treasure hunting prank. But the audience was just cardboard cutouts. I could hear a tape recorder playing in the background, taped applause. I was on the camera, high up in the sky! The image played and replayed, me, clutching a fork next to a skeleton and inserting it into a toaster, while the audience in spirit laughed maniacally at my electrical incident. That wasn't funny. I could've gotten hurt.
Do you remember on the later seasons of Full House, Wake up San Francisco? You remember, I know you do...
Bob Saget, who played Danny Tanner on full house, randomly walked in, but he looked almost 30 years younger. I then realized he had women's mascara on his face, and was smiling, pretending to be Bob Saget from America's Funniest Home Videos in the early 90s. But it was old Saget. No one was allowed, in, flu virus. We were all alone, and I was the only participant. He had a shirt of the snorks on, but this now seemed entirely irrelevant. 'Come get your cash prize." He took off his shoe and threw it at me, as I ran naked through the studio, accidently breaking a cardboard grandmother. "Son..." he said. I screamed, and screamed, as a commercial for Gorton's Fish Sticks played, in highly graphic detail. Except instead of fish sticks, they looked fingers...
...Human fingers.
Gorton's fish sticks...are made... of human fingers.
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