The Spyro 1 Copy From Hell
I am a robot. I think that's as good an introduction as any other. Now, before you go getting excited. No, I'm not one of those cool badass cyborgs you see in the movies like Terminator and all that jazz. No cigar and as a matter of fact if you were to see me from across the pond you would have difficulty telling that I was even a robot to begin with. This is because my family and I are all humanoid robots, and the only way you can tell we are robots is by the fact we have large Duracell batteries stuck in our backs. The reason? Well in the very early 1990's, my and family were constructed by Doctor Bunsen Honeydew in order to serve as the mascots for the Duracell company, even though in the UK they had this Pink Rabbit, just like Energizer had in the US. Duracell's sales were plummeting during the 1990's as a result of some pretty stiff competition with Energiser. Energiser are pricks though as they killed my good friend Montgomery Bean.
Montgomery Bean worked at Energiser's offices up in Lost Heaven, and one day he was suffering a proper bad headache. He wanted some painkillers to kill that bastard of a headache, but Energiser were having none of that I tell you! Energiser responded to Montgomery's complaints by dispatching their mascot Pink Bunny at him. They believed that Energiser batteries were what Montgomery truly desired, and this proved to sadly not be the case once really ugly worms shot out from Montgomery's ears killing him instantly. The worms were incredibly dangerous and rather looking things since they were being held captive inside the Energiser batteries. Following Monty's death, the worms were taken to Area 69 in order to be thoroughly investigated by top men. Who? Top men. Oh Monty you can't buy me love. Sorry about that little song and dance number.
In any case, needing something to combat against the Pink Bunny mascot which had in itself brought Energiser so much power, Duracell hired the marvellous Doctor Heinz of the Baked Bean Factory to construct my and family I. Doctor Heinz was a genius. A magician of creation you could say. Doctor Heinz was responsible not only for creating us, but he was also responsible for creating Doctor Gareth Smellnick the smelliest Northwestern alumni that Northwestern Medical School has ever yet known. Creating my family and I was no small feet, Doctor Heinz spent days and nights at the Baked Bean Factory working on us, and once he was finally complete he was forced under threat of death to remove his name from our the bottom of our shoes, and to instead write the Duracell name there instead. Duracell forced Heinz to do this, so that we would never discover who our true creator really was, and we would believe that Duracell were our lord and saviours. In a weird way this kind of worked, well that was of course until I decided to read a few files. Just a few though nothing too major don't you worry your little head about it Sonny Jim.
With my family and I serving as their mascots, Duracell were finally able to establish themselves as the undisputed king of the batteries. Oh and I think that is as good a time as any to tell you all about my family. Ahem! My wife's name is Flo, I have a son named Zack, and a teenage daughter named Trish. More like Trish A Fish am I right? Ha ha wink. I have to thank Heinz for building them as I've got the whole package if you know what I mean. Now, I love my family and I would do anything for them. Well some of them anyway as the less said about Grandma Putterman and Aunt Gert. Our surnames were Putterman, and Duracell had originally intended for us to be called the Duracell family, but after getting several threatening calls from Doctor Heinz's legal team; the company opted to change our names to Putterman. Sadly all good things cannot last forever as they say in Germany as we only appeared in adverts for a couple years. From 1994 to 1996 to be exact. I know that such exact of details aren't typically needed for an account such as this, but I feel as though I would be stirring you a stir if I were to give you incorrect details about such important things such as this. Now, Duracell as it turns out wanted us dead as we according to Trish were having the opposite effects on Duracell's customers. Instead of incising the customers to go to their local Morrisons and buy some Duracell batteries, we had the complete opposite effect as our horrific half clay half human faces would force customers to run for the hills. Not wanting to lose any more valued customers, Duracell put out a hit on us and ordered their trusted assassin and Duracell addict Larry Sarry to take us out, and I don't mean take us out as in take us out for fish and chips if you know what I mean? Ha ha isn't that a good one? I'll make a mental note to write that one down.
Larry Sarry works for Duracell as an assassin, and he is often tasked by the company to take put spies of the company who were sent by their rival Energiser. Larry was considered Duracell's most vital asset due to his tendency to stick batteries up his nose holes. Watch that blowfish blow! Anyways, my family and I were able to escape our own deaths by reminding Larry of how when he was a young child he used to eat noodles in the back room of the Golden Koi with Donald Duck. Of course, Donald Duck was not known by that name back then and was instead referred to as Sammy. I must be honest I'm not really sure how that story managed to convince Larry Sarry not to kill us, but he agreed to not only fake our deaths by he went on to provide me and my family with first class plane tickets to Empire Bay. Heading to Empire Bay, Flo and I scheduled a meeting with realty agent Richard Beck. We purchased a house in Greenfield from Beck. In our absence, Duracell managed to keep itself afloat by focusing on their toes. Larry Sarry tried to trick the company into thinking he killed us by delivering them giant Duracell batteries wrapped in fish indicating that we sleep with the fishes. However, Duracell saw through the act due to Larry Sarry being a pretty darn terrible liar. Yeah well can you blame him must be from all of the Duracell batteries he shoves up his nose. Duracell decided to not send out a crew like some kind of Salieri, and instead opted to only get revenge on Larry Sarry by locking him up in the dungeon. To this day, Larry begs for water, but will anyone ever give it to him? I think not! Also to add insult to injury, those foolish turkey basters at Duracell place a huge jug of water just six inches away from Larry's cell. Try as he might; Larry will never quite be able to reach it. How sad. I really mean it how sad. Sorry I got a little something in my eye. Hang on a second robots can't cry. Well maybe not the terminator Sonny Jim, but we the Puttermans we can cry. We cry like the whale if you know what I mean.
Life in Empire Bay took some getting use to, but over time we were eventually able to get used to it. Sadly, problems arose since Aunt Gert and Uncle Lyman moved down here as well. The reason I didn't mention Lyman earlier is because he is actually very pleasant, and sure does love a good pheasant. Just a small one though. Aunt Gert was very annoying as she kept going on and on about boring stories from her time in the merchant navy; which she never actually served in. I eventually managed to silence Gert once and for all by replacing her Duracell batteries with normal standard batteries. At a family reunion BBQ of sorts, Aunt Gert kept going on and on about the time she and Lyman first tried using Duracell batteries, and thankfully her story was cut short once she fell dead into a big bowl of spaghetti and mash potatoes. Boy what a team I say! Flo knew that I was responsible, but I tried to act unknowingly by busing myself with flipping some burgers. "Herb!" Flo yelled as she then asked, "did you slip her one of those other batteries?" "Me?" I asked dumfounded while pulling the slyest face you'd ever see. Eventually, everyone started laughing including yours truly. Heck, even Lyman laughed at his dear wife's passing, and that same evening he assisted me and Zack with dumping Gert's body at Bruski's Scrapyard. I guess you could say we were proper scrapers! I think this as a good time as any to mention that while in Empire Bay, I tried my best to get closer to my kids Zack and Trish, but I was having no such luck on that front I'm afraid.
Trish hated me anyway since I caused one of her boyfriends who was a member of the Greasers to prematurely die due to him having standard batteries embedded into his back. I was only saying ya know? It's also worth mentioning that Trish was very busy during this time period due to her studying hard in order to get into Fordham University. So with Trish studying harder than ever and Flo being busy with handling our finances, I tried my best to get into my son Zack's good books. Zack was a very hard kid to be around, and it also didn't help that he sounded like Bart Simpson on crack. I tried my best to get Zack to engage with me by taking him out on a fishing trip. Sadly this proved to be a rather rookie error as I failed to realise that fishes often come with Duracell batteries lodged into their backs, and this meant that we were chasing this damn fast for six months. Six months! Think of all the hockey cards I could have collected in that time! In any case, upon returning home, I noticed that Zack was very fond of video games, and he often tried his best to get me to play with him, but me being an old fart despite only having been built like two years ago knew nothing about playing video games. But then of course a question came to mind. What game should I get Zack? That's when I recalled the brand Spyro The Dragon game that had just come out for the Sony PlayStation. Zack loved his damn PlayStation more than anything else, and this annoyed me greatly as I had wanted him to be in love with the Nintendo 64 which Trish and I had stolen one night behind the back alley of the Lone Star bar in Sand Island. They call it Sand Island because there's no sand isn't that a little ironic?
Money wasn't very good at the moment sadly, and so needing a copy I decided to ask my good friend and co-worker Dijon about it. Dijon was a proper smelly dog who once stole a GTA III bootleg from some angry gorilla over in Croydon, and looking to clean up his act; Dijon has since found work down on the Southport Docks with me. You see; Dijon and I work on the docks and move crates for $10 a piece. Dijon however was very crafty and on this particular day; he suggested that we steal one of the crates we were meant to be placing onto the freighter. "Why would we do that?" I inquired to which Dijon responded with, "oh Merlock would be as pleased as Pop he would!" For those of you wondering; Merlock is the head of the docks and an ex sorcerer. Through the means of several betrayals and manipulations, Merlock was able to take control of the docks through the use of an old friend of his in the courts i.e. Dijon. Now, the reason behind Dijon wanting to steal the crates was certainly not of left field, as the crates were known to contain shipments of PS1 and N64 games from time to time. No Sega Saturn games though as they were just too valuable. Now, initially I wanted nothing to do with Dijon's crafty scheme as I said, "come now Dijon that really isn't a very good idea." However, that's when I ended up tripping on a conveniently placed spanner and this caused me to drop the crate that I was holding onto the floor. The contents of the crate spilled out onto the floor of the dock revealing it to contain loads of heroin and a copy of Spyro The Dragon. The fact that Merlock was drug trafficking was sickening to me as he claimed in the interviews he had with BBC Radio 2 that he hated the idea of drugs all the while he's dealing them himself!
With Dijon's help, we put the drugs back into the crate, and placed it onto the freighter. "What about the game Merlock?" Dijon asked to which I responded with, "well I highly doubt Mr Merlock will even notice that it's missing!" I laughed but Dijon failed to see the humour in the joke as I then proceeded to run him over with my car. "Is there a doctor in the dockyard?" Dijon asked as he fell to the floor in pain. I should also probably mention that the car I was driving didn't really belong to him. No, the car actually belonged to Aunt Gert, but with her gone, I elected myself the car's new owner. Arriving in Greenfield, I reached my house and parked the car in the garage. Zack meanwhile was playing volleyball on the front garden, and I asked if he would like to play a game with me. "And what's that Dad?" Zack inquired as I pulled the game out from my ear, and showed it off to him. "Spyro The Dragon! Wow! I heard about that from the kids at school. Can we play Dad oh can we?" Zack asked to which I responded with, "well yeah that's why I got it for you son. Idiot." That last part I said under my breath as Zack and I made our way inside of the house in order to play this brand new game. This is as good a time as any to mention that since we are robots, we had all our game consoles genetically altered by Doctor Heinz. This meant that the PlayStation controllers were fricking massive, and the buttons were the size of dinner plates. Due to our overly large hands, I had to be incredibly careful when placing the disc into the console. Once the console was switched on and the disc was inside, I sat myself down on the sofa next to Zack as we finally readied ourselves to enter the marvellous world of Spyro The Dragon.
The game started off weirdly. For starters, the Universal Studios logo was not shown. No, instead it was replaced with a Dijon Industries logo. The logo featured Dijon dressed like a sultan and drinking from a cup of tea. It's worth mentioning that Dijon was pulling an incredibly smug face. Perhaps the smuggest face that I have ever seen. The opening scene then began to play and as you might expect from the title, this wasn't very good either. Well for starters the Gnorc was shown putting the flag on the mountain as normal, and when Spyro came flying towards him he ended up flying a tad off course. In fact, Spyro ended up flying straight past the Gnorc, and flew straight into a nearby mountain. In the title screen, the weather was dark and cloudy, and the Gnorc from the mountain stood there in place of Spyro who was still stuck inside of the mountain. Nothing seemed to be too bad yet right? Oh you'll see come the world cup final this afternoon! Ha ha sorry that one always manages to crack me up. In any case, I clicked on New Game, as the opening cutscene began to play. It wasn't right at all. I mean where do I even start? I mean first of all Spyro was red instead of purple which made me cough out some corkscrews, Gnasty Gnorc was replaced with Shrek, and all of the dragons were incredibly old looking. Super old looking, and they were so blooming old that they had to have walkers with them. You may be wondering how I was able to tell things were off with the game since this story took place in 1998 when Spyro 1 had just come out. Well to tell the truth, I had seen Uncle Lyman play the game down on his condo in Kingston, Empire Bay, and it was watching him play the game that made me want to buy the game in the first place.
Anyways, the cutscene had Shrek walking down a massive grassy field when he noticed that Spyro and his fellow dragons were playing basketball. Shrek ended up losing his cool, but not because the dragons were playing basketball without inviting him no it was mainly because Spyro and his fellow dragons were so bloody terrible at playing it. In fact, Shrek got so angry by the dragons and their terrible basketball skills that he ended up yelling, "what are you doing in my swamp!" Yes as it turns out, Shrek had actually made residence in the Artisans, and while initially he and the dragons had managed to live together in peace. Lately, the dragons had began pushing their luck by playing basketball in Shrek's front yard as they were practising for a big game up in Florida. Shrek had no problems with the dragons practicing their basketball skills, but what he did have a problem with was the fact that they were as I said earlier bloody terrible at the game. Now unlike Gnasty, Shrek had no magic powers and as such wasn't able to turn all the dragons into crystal sculptures like Gnasty was. To combat this issue, Shrek reached inside his ear and pulled out a large thick blob of ear wax. It's worth mentioning that while doing so, Shrek pulled an incredibly spicy face and he looked to be a great deal of pain, but he did not give a screwdriver. After removing the earwax from his ear, Shrek said to one of Spyro's dragon homies, "hey donkey catch!" He then proceeded to throw the ear wax at said dragon which caused him to die on the spot. In fact, all of the dragons in the Artisans ended up dying from the horrid smell and sight of Shrek's ear wax. I mean have you ever seen anything as horrific as Shrek's earwax? Why of course you haven't! I mean how could it be otherwise?
After the cutscene ended, I decided to explore the Artisans home world, and it didn't feel very homely to me at all. It was just a baron wasteland with a few green hills, but there was no sheep to speak of. There was no Sparx accompanying Spyro in the Artisans, well that was until I made my way inside of the old castle. Sparx was just chilling in the throne room of the castle playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. Hmm what was this game sponsored by DreamWorks or something? Sparx could actually speak for some reason, and I was made very angry when I realised that Spark was voiced by David Spade. I'm going to clear something up right now readers. I cannot stand David Spade. Why? Well it's because Mr Spade told my successful career right from under me. Actually no he didn't. No the real reason why I hate David Spade is because one time at a press conference, I asked him about possibly getting a role in his next feature time, but Mr Spade refused to acknowledge me, and he ordered his security guards to take me outside and beat me to a pulp. The David Spade Sparx was so annoying as he kept going on and on about how crazy it was that Spyro could breath fire. "HE BREATHS FIRE!" Sparx proclaimed happily at the very top of his lungs. What made me feel even more annoyed is that the game developers had clearly modelled Spark's face to look exactly like his voice actor. Thankfully, Spyro as it turns out was just as annoyed as I was as he ended up killing Sparx by hitting him with a fly swat. With Spark disposed of, Spyro ate his little dragonfly buddy in order to dispose of the evidence. With there not being much left to do in the Artisans home world, I decided to do my first ever level; "Toasty." You see; since all the dragons in the Artisans were dead I was no longer required to free any of the dragons. How delightfully creme deli crème.
Toasty was actually incredibly scary well this mainly due to the fact that the dogs in his level were Rottweilers who wanted to rip Spyro's face off to be precise. Oh precisely! Without Sparx, Spyro kept dying very quickly as the Rottweilers would leap on top of him, and would rip apart him with their claws. The Rottweilers didn't even look cute and cuddly as they looked pissed and their eyes were black and hairy like a big old bumblebee. I eventually managed to get past the Rottweilers and managed to catch the egg thief before confronting Toasty who was now replaced with an actual piece of toast you'd have some butter on. Toasty was incredibly aggressive during the fight as he was able to spit Rottweilers out from his mouth, which Spyro was only just narrowly able to avoid. In order to beat Toasty, Spyro was given a mission prompt which said that in order to beat Toasty you will need some supplies. I headed to another side of the fighting arena where I found a huge stick of butter. I knew what I had to do! Running back to Toasty, I managed to pin him to the ground, and began applying the hot sweet butter to him. Once the butter had been applied, Spyro picked Toasty up and began eating him. It was rather humorous, and I laughed at Toasty's screams for help whilst Zack said in a rather disgusted tone of voice, "Dad you are one sick fishmonger!" With Toasty disposed, I decided to head on back to the Artisan Worlds, and see if I could take the hot air balloon to Peace Keepers. The person manning the hot air balloon was none other than Captain Ahab himself. "If you wish to use my hot air balloon; you must help me catch a legend of the sea who goes by the name of Moby. Moby Dick oh Moby Dick!" Captain Ahab sang as Spyro then said in a rather arrogant tone, "not today old man!" He then proceed to spit fire at Ahab who reacted by somehow flying in the sky. He flew all the way across the sea towards his boat the Pequod.
Realising that I wasn't quite ready to advance further yet, I decided to pay a visit to Town Square. However, Town Square appeared to be like an actual town square, and there were loads of shops all around which were beckoning for Spyro to come inside and buy some PG Tips or maybe even a crust of bread. I wasn't able to control Spyro during this level for whatever reason, and because of this Spyro acting on his own accord made his way inside of a local Tesco. Spyro made his way down the various aisles until he reached the contentment aisle. He was looking for a jar of onion sauce according to his eyes. You can tell a lot by a person's eyes says I! Spyro walked down the aisle for a few minutes until he eventually came across a big ole jar of onion sauce. Spyro picked the jar up, but he was rather disgusted by it's cover which had a picture of Shrek on it. Shrek was pulling a face you'd make when you let one rip and you try to act, but sadly you just don't have the acting skills to pull it off I'm afraid. Furious over the cover design, Spyro in a fit of rage lost all self control threw the jar of onion sauce onto the floor breaking it into a million tiny bite size pieces. Spyro was then forced under threat of death by the owners of the Tesco to sweep up. So, for the remainder of the level I was basically playing a Spyro sweeping simulator. Who says dragons cannot sweep up? After cleaning up the Tesco, well I say when in reality Spyro ended up toppling over all of the aisles which made a huge bloody mess, but thankfully Spyro was able to escape from the chaos unscathed. I then departed from Town Square, and decided that it was time for a speedway. Zack left the room at that moment to get a glass of orange juice as he gotten far too bored. What an arrogant little somebody!
Sunny Flight was really something to see! The level started off normally enough with Spyro flying high above the crystal blue ocean. Spyro was flying aimlessly for quite awhile due to the fact that there were no collectables in the level to speak of. Suddenly, as if by magic, in the dark blue ocean below Spyro appeared the Pequod in all it's majesty. Captain Ahab stood at the very front of the ship carrying a large harpoon as he yelled, "let your harpoons fly!" Spyro's joke from earlier had as it turns out greatly insulted Ahab as he was known to be a very easily offended piece of biscuit paste even back in 1998. That wasn't biscuit paste! Ahab threw harpoon after harpoon after harpoon at Spyro, but he managed to avoid all of them. Spyro flew to the other side of a large mountain, and was able to find some magical growth mushrooms. Spyro ingested the mushrooms one by one, and eventually grew to become roughly the side of a barge! The giant Spyro headed back to the main area of the ocean where Captain Ahab looked terrified upon eyeing Spyro's new size. "Abort the ship!" Ahab commanded at the top of his lungs, but it was far too late as Spyro leapt into the air, and fell onto the Pequod causing it to capsize to the very bottom of the ocean. The Pequod didn't stay gone for long however as there were some springs at the bottom of the sandy ocean floor which caused the ship to go flying into the sky. "We'll meet again Spyro!" Ahab could be heard yelling at the top of his lung as the Pequod disappeared out from Spyro's sight. With Captain Ahab out of commission, my next step was to finally leave the Artisans and head onwards to Peace Keepers. Now my adventure could really begin! Returning to the Artisans home world, I hitched a ride on Captain Ahab's old hot air balloon, and landed in Peace Keepers.
Peace Keepers was full of life compared to the Artisans, and was actually portrayed as a old timey western town. There was people milking cows in the street, aggressive salsa dancers led by the Cornish Man who has out for Spyro because he doesn't have a moustache. There was also loads of these really creepy looking sheep creatures which had cow utters no joke and they shot out fricking bolts of lighting. In fact, it was a little bit frightening! Spyro was feeling very reckless during his time in Peace Keepers and began challenging people around town to a gun duel. No one accepted until he arrived. Richard Costello... an old friend of mine. He used to work as a maintenance officer over at Duracell's headquarters. He left the company in 1995 to find a life in the old west, and I never knew what he meant until now. Upon seeing Spyro, Richard Costello drew two revolvers as he asked. "you ready to go down to punishment town Spyro?" "Bring it on." Spyro said as he dawned a grey cowboy hat, and he even began smoking a candy cigarette. I can't imagine the bloody thing tasted very good as poor Spyro's eyes began to water shortly after biting into it. Costello and Spyro both turned their backs on each other, and walked two meters down the path. Turning around, Spyro shot out two bullets from his own revolver which not only managed to blow Costello's hat right off from his head, but also caused him to fall onto the floor in pain. Not wanting to be embarrassed any further, Costello brushed himself off, and got up from the floor as he proclaimed rather happily I might add, "I'll be off then!" And with that, Costello got on top of his Lloyds Bank horse, and rode off into the sunset while Spyro watched on in awe. Well I say awe when in reality, Spyro continually tried to shoot Costello off of the damn horse with his revolver.
After concluding the gun duel with Richard Costello, I debated on which level to do next. I must admit I was feeling like another boss battle so Doctor Shemp was next on my list of levels to complete! The level was incredibly boring. It took place inside of an actual doctor's office, and Spyro was shown to be attending therapy with Doctor Shemp who was trying to discover why Spyro was so purple. "Hmm go a little deeper." Doctor Shemp instructed. "Well the think is Doc; I'm just a lighter shade of purple really." Spyro explained rather sheepishly. Doctor Shemp then decided that he and Spyro would play a little trust exercise. It was the trust exercise which involves someone falling backwards and then you catch them. Sounds simple right? Well sounding simple is the story of my entire life buddy! Shemp's little trust exercise ended up failing miserably as Spyro became distracted by the rather weird looking clock he had on the wall. It was just a bog standard wall clock, but Spyro for whatever reason seemed to be fascinated by it. "Tick tock goes the clock but it really doesn't." Spyro remarked while Doctor Shemp fell backwards, and he ended up falling straight through the ten story window to his death below. He ended up splatting all over the pavement. Shemp's eyes were bulging out of his head as if in the upmost surprise, and this surprise was the only humanity remaining to that mad doctor. He was dead. After narrowly avoiding a run in with the cops via an escape through the rooftops, Spyro took the portal back to Peace Keepers, and without me even pressing anything on the controller he had made his way to Ice Caverns.
Ice Caverns was much more exciting than Doctor Shemp's level had been. For this level, Spyro was tasked by a gang of stereotypical Russian polar bears to rob some gas stamps from the Office of Price Administration. Once again I must add; please don't tell Henry Tomasino. The Russian polar bears wanted the gas stamps in order to aid in their attempts to usurp Congress who desired to construct a brand new mini mall on top of the foundation of the very Ice Caverns you see before you. Retrieving the gas stamps, Spyro then provided his assistance to the Russian polar bears in a game of cat and mouse against a tank which Congress had sent to eliminate the polar bear resistance. "We must make haste!" One of the bears commanded in a thick Russian accent as he and Spyro made their way on top of a nearby wooden shack. The bear reached under a small black carpet, and revealed a large wooden suitcase. Opening up said suitcase, the bear revealed it to have contained a grenade launcher. "I've always wanted to use one of these!" Spyro remarked as he took the grenade launcher out from the bear's paws. Using the grenade launcher, Spyro was able to destroy the tank, and he and the Russian bears made an escape in race cars. With Spyro's help, the Russian polar bears raced their way down towards the local airport where they caught a plane to Beast Makers, and they asked for Spyro to come and meet them there soon when the time was right. When the times comes, will you be ready?
Night Flight took place on a huge freeway. Spyro was shown being chased down the freeway by the Sheriff from Cars. Now in retrospect with current knowledge I find to be very odd that Sheriff being in Spyro The Dragon a total of 9 years before the creation of Pixar's Cars, but whatever just roll with the croc ya know? Spyro was chased down by the freeway, and Sheriff kept shooting bullets out from his ass which caused Spyro to start slip and sliding all over the freeway. "Why is he shooting at him?" Spyro asked himself. Spyro failed to realise that he was 1% over the speed limit which had resulted in him unintentionally being put on Sheriff's death list. Sheriff has 0 tolerance for speeders. He was known to be quite lenient back in the day, but these days he's become a miserable car to be around primarily as a result of his addiction to kerosene. Sheriff just can't get enough of the darn stuff, and it drives me up the wall! Me and Sheriff briefly bunked together during my family and I's time at Duracell. We bunked together in an old boarding house on 48th street, but one December night Sheriff disappeared out of the blue. Now, I know what became of him thanks to this horrid game, but I wish I had never found out. Anyways, Spyro was eventually caught in a shoelace, and was brought to court by Sheriff. The court case lasted two seconds, as Spyro was able to get away due to there being a severe lack of evidence.
In Magic Crafters, Spyro was forced under threat of death to perform tricks in a traveling show. He knows that it's not much, but it's the best that he can do. There were egg thieves in this level, and they seemed to be even faster than normal. Spyro just couldn't catch up with any of them for the life of him. I tried my best to get the damn egg thieves, but there was no such luck in that regard I'm afraid. Realising I'd never be able to get that damn egg back, I resorted to paying a visit to Blowhard which was completely different to what was portrayed in the real game. Zack who had been busy putting another Duracell battery into his back came into the room at that moment, and asked if he'd could play on for a bit. "Be my guest." I said as I handed Zack the controller. Zack pressed the x button which caused Spyro to roll around like a dog. Roll over roll over! "That is it!" Zack cried as he ran out of the room screaming and crying like a little girl. What a big ole silly windowsill!
Blowhard had Spyro in the middle of a massive snowstorm when he came across two former members of Ahab's crew named Ishmael and Queequeg. Spyro attempted to walk past the pair only to get grabbed in a headlock by Queequeg who asked, "want to help with the harvest?" "Not particularly." Spyro responded, but sadly Queequeg was not taking no for an answer. According to Ishmael, he and Queequeg needed to take some warm blankets and cans of soup to the people of Uptown Valley who had somehow managed to waste their entire food supply for the Winter. Spyro, Ishmael, and Queequeg rode towards the Valley on horseback, but that's when Spyro feeling greedy decided to take the food and blankets for himself. "Oh you greedy bugger!" Ishmael yelled at the top of his lungs while Queequeg threw harpoons at Spyro, but he managed to escape as the pair were forced the break news to the people of Uptown Valley. Hmm perhaps instead of that, Queequeg could simply eat the people of Uptown Valley as he was a cannibal after all. In any case, Spyro's joy of stealing the soup and blankets didn't last very long as he passed by the crystal blue ocean. Moby Dick came out from the ocean, and grabbed Spyro's cans of soup right from under his wings. Spyro was so shocked by Moby Dick's sudden appearance that he ended up dropping all of the warm blankets into the ocean. Moby Dick then began carrying the cans of the soup under the sea while the smelliest song you'd ever hear played in the background. Honestly, it was so smelly that it'll make you gag. Now, I would have vomited at that song, but as I am a robot I am of course incapable of vomiting. Spyro however was unable to hold it all in, and he ended up vomiting all over the snowy snow. Whoa that's a lot of snow! Don't tell Moe! Leaving Blowhard, Spyro decided to pay a visit to High Caves which is where he ran into the Russian bear family from earlier.
The Russian bear family informed Spyro that their flight to Beast Makers was cancelled due to there being wild geese on the runway, and in reaction to this lynching of the geese, the Russian bears decide to hitch a ride to High Caves. "Hmm sounds legit." Spyro said as he began smoking a pipe. Also, for that one line Spyro didn't sound like Carlos Alazraqui who instead he sounded like Sir Patrick Stewart. It was only for that line, but it still managed to make me feel just a little bit uneasy. Ooh I'm getting nervous. Now, the Russian bears wanted to regain their fortunes after the failed gas stamp heist seeked to kill Maurice of the Tetley Tea Folk. Maurice used to be an old friend of the Russian bears, but he decided to cut his ties with them in order to begin running for Congress. Ole Maurice desperately wanted to become a member of Congress, which is what had led to the Russian bears wanting him dead. Spyro was taken to Maurice's hangout which was located in High Caves, and Spyro learned that Maurice was being guarded by waves upon waves of Panthanitis. The Panthanitis often worked as hired security for Tetley Tea since 1985 to be exact as a part of a brand deal the company made with High Caves. Realising that he couldn't simply fight Maurice head on, Spyro climbed his way on top of an old oak tree, and found a conveniently placed sniper rifle. Using said sniper rifle, Spyro aimed directly at Maurice's head, but quickly realised that he could no go through with the murder. After all Spyro didn't even know Maurice was. Could he really lower himself kill an innocent man while a bunch of criminals roam free? Well I certainly could, but Spyro as it seems has a much larger moral code than I so he opted to let Maurice live.
This move ended up biting Spyro hard on the arse, as upon returning to the Russian bears he found that their hideout was under attack from the held back reserve of the Tetley Tea Folk. "Man the cannons!" Gaffer commanded as he began shooting machine guns rounds which managed to wipe out half of the Russian bear fleet. Thinking quickly, Spyro distracted Sydney from the post by giving him an incredibly smelly glass of ice tea. With Sydney retreating from the scene in order to use the bathroom, Spyro took command of Sydney's machine gun, and began fighting back against Gaffer and his forces. Now, this was back in 1998, so Gaffer was a lot more ruthless back then so he ordered his troops to advance further into High Caves. Despite Spyro's best efforts, the entire Russian bear fleet was wiped out. Of course, Spyro's most logical next move was to testify against the Tetley Tea Folk, but Gaffer had other ideas. Gaffer offered Spyro a life time supply of Tetley tea bags just as long as he swept this whole Russian bear fiasco thing under the rug, Spyro agreed to Gaffer's offer, and from that point forward Spyro became a loyal follower of the Tetley Tea brand. Heck in 2003, there was a brief stint in time when you could get PlayStation 2 copies of Spyro Enter The Dragon Fly stuck to the bottom of limited edition Tetley Tea boxes. Also, the boxes came with a horrifying looking Spyro mask which was made in an old abandoned McDonald's in Lost Heaven. The McDonalds is abandoned because an employee there used to force people to put the masks on in order to prove their salt. Spyro seemed to not regret causing the downfall of the Russian bears by allowing for Maurice to live, and instead busied himself by putting a cigarette into his mouth. After, Spyro got done smoking his cigarette he decided that it was time to head onwards to Beast Makers.
After arriving in Beast Makers, I was able to find some dragons who apparently hadn't been destroyed by Shrek's ear wax like the dragons in Artisans. The dragons were far too busy knitting scarfs to even bother noticing Spyro's appearance. Even if they did notice him, they made a poor job of showing it. I then decided that it was finally time to conquer Tree Tops. Perhaps one of the most infamous levels in the Spyro The Dragon fandom. Could this bootleg game somehow manage to make this already infamous level even harder? Well wait and see! Even back then in 1998, all around town people would yap on and on about horrible of a level Tree Tops was. I didn't really believe that statement myself until now.
Now for starters, Tree Tops looked very scary as there were loads of really long tree vines hanging off from the side of the trees. The jumps that the game wanted Spyro to make in this level seemed to be incredibly unreasonable. At least from my point of view that is. The supercharge rams were even more faster than usual, and this caused me to die on multiple occasions. At one point, the x button on my controller felt like it had been wedged into place, and this meant that Spyro was no longer able to jump resulting in even more deaths. After one of his many falls, Spyro ended up getting tangled in a massive tree vine. Ooh through the tree vines! Seeing no other way out, Spyro began cutting at the tree vines with his claws. "Spyro don't!" I cried at the top of my lungs, but it was far too late as Spyro ended up falling through the trees at an alarming rate. He didn't die from the fall however. No instead, Spyro ended up crash landing inside of an old abandoned mine. The foreman at the mine who looked like a fat blooming mole forced Spyro to start digging for diamonds. While digging through the diamonds, Spyro was able to find a portal back to Beast Makers.
Returning to Beast Makers; Spyro was pulling loads of tree vines off from his scales as he decided that his best bet would be to pay a visit to Misty Bog. I didn't last very long in Misty Bog as the level was just a massive toilet. It was the word's biggest toilet according to a local that Spyro talked to briefly. Wanting to get a better look, Spyro got on the very top of the toilet, and ended up falling in. The camera then panned down to the front entrance of the toilet which showed Spyro walking out covered in poop and he looked nasty. "Oh buggering buggerton." Spyro muttered as he decided to see if there was a shower available in Beast Makers. But what Spyro doesn't realise is that showers are actually banned in Beast Makers as a result of tax returns or something. So that's a further buggering buggerton to add to your list Spyro that is! Spyro however managed to clean himself off by jumping into a nearby lake. Nice going Spyro! With Tree Tops and Misty Bog failing miserably, I decided to take a stroll in New York City, and by that mean fight Metalhead.
Metalhead featured the return of Richard Costello who had gone on to form his own punk rock band, and he asked if Spyro would like to play with him. "I'd be honoured to!" Spyro proclaimed happily as he began playing the drums with Costello's band. Somehow, Costello made a mohawk magically appear on his head as he began singing Highway To Hell. He stuck his tongue out from his mouth, and it was red and white and looked diseased. Costello didn't seem to care as he continued to sing with Spyro. After concluding their little musical number, Spyro and Richard Costello parted ways on good terms. They wouldn't write each other Christmas letters each year or anything like that, but at least we know now that the pair would not try and kill each other over their failed gun duel in Peace Makers. Next stop was Wild Flight, and this level Spyro getting chased down an African safari by a bunch of angry rhinoceros. Spyro only just barely managed to escape the rhinos as he found the return portal which ended up taking him to Terrace Village.
Terrace Village took place inside a large terrace house, and featured Spyro doing a cross word puzzle. No joke, that was the entire level just Spyro doing a cross word puzzle. Some levels didn't even seem to work like Dream Weavers and Haunted Towers were just a jumble of colours and inconsisant framerates. This didn't annoy me much back then, but nowadays I consider Haunted Towers to be my favourite level in the game so you better believe I would be pissed if that level didn't work now. Lofty Castle was very funny as the castle was now ran by Lofty from Bob The Builder. Sadly without Bob's constant care and control, Lofty had flown off the handle and became a very cynical sandwich. He forced Spyro to steal some cement from the local undertakers, and when Spyro failed to do this Lofty decided that he was going to bury Spyro alive. Not wanting that to happen, Spyro was forced to attend a candlelit supper with Lofty. Now thankfully, Spyro was able to leave the candlelit supper earlier by pretending to be sick with the flu. Lofty said, "come back soon." "I might just do that." Spyro said. Spyro what the heck is wrong with you bro!? That damn crane wanted to bury you alive, and you'd still happily take him out for fish and chips should the occasion ever call for it? I don't understand things!
I was very tired at this point, and I came to the conclusion that it was time to end this damn bootleg game once and for all. And so, my next and final step was Shrek's swamp which was located in Dream Weavers. I somehow managed to stomach through the jumbles of colours and the bad framerates until I finally came across the portal to Shrek's Swamp. Upon noticing that Spyro had entered his domain without an invitation, Shrek came out from his outhouse as he asked, "ah donkey what are you doing in my swamp?" Shrek then began charging towards Spyro, but Spyro was able to avoid getting eaten by challenging Shrek to a super karaoke dance off. "Hmm okay!" Shrek proclaimed happily as he made a stage appear magically. Spyro put a great deal of effort into his performance, but sadly he failed to impress the rather cynical Judge Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell was so angered by Spyro's performance he said, "you've got to be kidding me. The next winner of the Shrek's Swamp idol is me!" Simon Cowell then leapt onto the stage. and began singing a really bad Take That cover. He also began twerking towards Shrek who rubbed his chin knowingly. Meanwhile, Spyro dawned a pair of sunglasses as he remarked, "time to set it off Herb time to set it off!" How did Spyro know my name? He must have been checking me out. I knew that Spyro had a reputation for keeping some feelers in Empire Bay, but I wasn't too sure of that until now. And with that, the closing credits began to play.
Only there was a small mid credits scene which featured a young peanut named Jerry Beal watching a baseball game which had a horrifying Stan Smith bootleg playing a game. Now, Jerry was enjoying his time until two evil Chips Ahoy cookies came and sat next to him. They squished right into him, and Jerry then began singing a song with the cookies. "Smackdown in a middle!" Jerry and the cookies sang to which the Stan bootleg responded by singing, "squeezed in a fiddle!" He sounded proper dumb that Stan bootleg did I tell you! Now, the scene I must admit made me chuckle a chuckle, but in retrospect I found the video to be rather disgusting as you could clearly see the pain in Jerry's face. He was struggling to breath he was that squashed! Those two cookies couldn't give two figs about Jerry's happiness. At one point in the video, a baseball hit Jerry right on his forehead. "Nice catch buddy!" One of the Chips Ahoy cookies proclaimed happily. Those gosh darn Chips Ahoy cookies! I certainly hope that someone stabs them in the eye with a two by four. After the mid credits scene ended, I responded by pressing the eject button on my PlayStation console. Needing some fresh air, I went outside for a brief afternoon mint when I heard something or someone rather rustling around in the living room. Returning to the living room, I was horrified to see Dijon had stuffed the game as well as several priceless silverware into his trousers. "You dopey dog!" I yelled angrily as Dijon responded with, "Merlock will be expecting this!" He then proceeded to leap out of my living room window, and he ran all the way down the street laughing like a seal in heat.
Wanting to give chase to Dijon, I made my way out of my front door only to get intercepted by Flo who wanted my help in taking the groceries into the house. "Oh Flo but I really got to go!" I cried at the top of his lungs to which Trish asked, "why Dad?" "Well Trish the thing is you see..." I was cut off as Flo asked, "Herb did you buy Zack a bootleg Spyro 1 game?" "Me?" I asked dumbfounded whilst once again pulling the slyest face you'd ever see. After Zack and I got done telling Flo and Trish our story, the pair agreed to help me and Zack track down Dijon. "He must of gone back to the docks." Trish said as we all got into the car, and drove towards the Southport Docks. Arriving at the Docks, I discovered that Merlock was still in his office. My family and I made our way inside of the office, and confronted Dijon over his betrayal who was pulling the same face from the Dijon Industries logo. "What do you think you're doing here?" Merlock inquired to which I responded with, "you know why I came here Merlock you old dog! You gave me and Zack a bad bootleg which made us feel very upset. Merlock's language became very colourful as he then got ready to turn us into mince meat. Ew! I prefer Shredded Wheat personally. Before killing us however, Merlock went on to explain the origin behind the bootleg. The bootleg was created by Duracell, and they had paid Merlock to give the game to me. In reality, Dijon was in on the scheme and this is why he convinced me to steal the game. He wanted me to get into big trouble with Merlock so that he would be given his very own bag of money. Duracell and Merlock hoped that the bad vibes from the bootleg would cause me and my dear family to combust into flames. Thankfully, this ended up not being the case, and so Merlock was then forced to try and kill us himself.
I closed my eyes braising for impact, but that's when Flo offered to make Merlock and Dijon a spot of tea. "A spot of tea ay?" Merlock asked as he began rubbing his beard knowingly. People sure do love rubbing their chins and beards don't they reader? Returning to our home in Greenfield, Flo popped the kettle on whilst I gave Merlock and Dijon a tour of the house. "What is that!?" Merlock proclaimed at the very top of his lungs as he had eyed upon one particular beautiful sight. On top of a cupboard in the living room sat an old oil lamp. Merlock then asked if he could have it to which Zack asked, "why? It's just a boring old lamp!" Merlock responded to this question with, "well maybe to you son but not to me!" Merlock then made a stepladder appear magically, and he climbed his way up the ladder until he was able to get a grip on the lamp. Upon grabbing said lamp, Merlock screamed for joy. Sadly, Merlock's joy was cut short as a helicopter came crashing through the walls of my house. Who should be driving the helicopter than none other than Launchpad McQuack. Scrooge McDuck was sitting in the passenger's seat, and he got out from the seat and ran towards the lamp. Using his walking stick, Scrooge was able to swipe it right out from under Merlock's hands. "After him!" Merlock barked as he and Dijon hopped onto an old moped, and began giving chase to the helicopter as it crashed through the walls of our house, and struggled to fly all the way towards the sunset. "Hmm what a bobby jaguar!" Trish remarked. I couldn't help but agree. As I stood there watching Launchpad and his helicopter ride towards the evening sky, I begin to ponder if my life will ever truly be normal.
Thankfully, Duracell were tricked into thinking that my family and I had died from the bootleg. Merlock decided to lie on our behalf as he really liked the way we played to the beat of our own drums. Not really sure what that means but whatever. Life started getting better, and as the years began to pass and the 2000's rolled around, I finally managed to get a better living for myself by getting a job as a bartender at the Maltese Falcon. A bar and restaurant located in Midtown which is ran by Scarpa Family Don Eddie Scarpa. Eddie is very nice to me as he always makes sure I get paid $50,000 every hour on the hour. My family's lives began improving too, but there's no time to talk about them now as my feather is almost out of ink if you catch my drift. Catch it like the baseball bat that Jerry caught in that famous mid credits scene. Sorry readers; what those two Chips Ahoy cookies did to that poor peanut still annoys me even now. I have never wanted to eat Chips Ahoy so much in my entire life. Oh and as for Merlock and Dijon; last I heard, they were running rackets down on the shipyards in New Hanover. Well that's certainly a nice thought to have I'm sure! So, readers have a lovely day or a lovely evening because I am out of here!
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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