The Spyro 3 Copy From Hell
Let me start by saying that I love Spyro 3: Year of The Dragon. It's my personal favourite of the trilogy. and I know that it's not considered the best one but that's just me. I used to play it all the time on the all mighty Playstation One. I played it until the sun went down, I played during sick days from work, I played it during holidays from work, and I played it so much that I couldn't shit anymore. This actually helped me in the long run as The Shadow Reader always says, "the more poop you give the lesser is the meat."
Unfortunately, my cleaner whose name is Austin by the way ended up throwing my copy of Spyro 3 out while doing some spring cleaning. Me and my husband Bernard as well as my other butlers Alfred and Smithee tried desperately to find another copy, but sadly due to former Prime Minister Boris Johnson placing our mansion under martial law: we were unable to leave the house to buy another copy.
But one day my luck changed when Alfred managed to get out of the mansion without Boris or police commissioner Strickland noticing. He went to my local CEX, and found a copy of Spyro 3. Alfred gave me the game, and it was really bad looking. The front cover had been broken off, and the case had scratches and brown stains all over it. I asked Alfred why it looked so bad, and he replied with, "a long time ago I was in Burma, and we found a tangerine the size of a tangerine." Alfred then left my sight leaving me alone with the game.
That evening, I got ready to play my new copy of Spyro 3 when Austin, Smithee, and Bernard asked if they could watch me play. I said "yes," and we all got into my bed as the ps1 set itself up. Also my bed was the size of the whole United States so we had plently of room. "I need the bathroom." Bernard said, but I told him that no bathroom breaks were permitted during this gaming session. He ended up crapping all over the bed, as the ps1 logo appeared. Then it showed a weird clip which had what appeared to be Pablo from the Backyardigans eating some disgusting looking beef stew. He looked at the screen, and said, "oh can't you see you belong to me. My poor heart aches... with every step you take." It then showed another clip which was what looked like a scene from Shrek 2. It was the scene where Shrek goes around town in his new human form however the clip was heavily distorted, and looked pretty hot.
The main menu then appeared, and it was normal. So I clicked on New Game, and discovered that the icons you can pick for your save file had been changed. They now showed the faces of Luca Brasi, The Shadow Reader, Uncle Ben, Darth Vader, and Father Ted. I chose Luca's face for my save icon, and the game started up with the cutscene which had Bianca stealing the eggs from the Dragon World.
There were some differences however. For example, Bianca for some reason looked like Peter Griffin, and the grass was 1% greener than normal. It made me gag violently. Also, when it sbowed the scene where Spyro's father tells him that he must bring the eggs back home, but Spyro refuses to do it. "No I don't want to!" Spyro yelled when all of the sudden The Shadow Reader appeared, and threw Spyro and Hunter down the hole which led to the Forgotten Worlds.
The game didn't start off in Sunrise Spring like it was supposed to instead it started in Evening Lake. I made my way towards the first level of the world which was Frozen Altars. I was very excited to say the least as Frozen Altars was my favourite level, and I had a huge hard on for the cool duck npc.
The level was different, but not in a good way. The music was terribly distorted, and it sounded like a bulldog getting chewed by a wasp. The cool duck sounded like Patrick on crack, and there were some parts in the level where my controller would just flat out refuse to respond to any of my button pressing. Also, the cat hockey mini game thing was sealed off, and Moneybags was dressed in a drag queen outfit. "Sorry Spyro can't let you go through until you pay the toll." Moneybags explained, and it showed how much he wanted me to pay. He wanted over 9000 gems! 'Screw that!' I thought to myself as I made my way out of the level.
More glitches began happening as Spyro was unable to hover anywhere, and couldn't even use his flame breath which made playing the game practically impossible in some levels. Also sometimes characters like Moneybags, Hunter, or other random NPC's wouldn't appear when they were supposed to.
"Let me have a go boyio." Smithee said as he took the controller out of my hands, and began playing. He had Spyro take the rocket over to Sunrise Spring. However he ended up landing in Molten Crater which is a level from Sunrise Spring. "I can't take it!" Smithee yelled as he ran outside, and began shooting people with a shotgun which fired steamed hams sorry I meant steamed clams that's what I call hamburgers. "I think we should leave it there Sir." Austin said as he wanted me to buy a new floor. "No no we must keep playing." I said as Robin the green duck came in, and said, "yes but something's wrong."
I then continued playing the game, and more weird things began happening. Such as NPC's having the wrong voices, Spyro being red instead of purple, and all of the levels looked rather pooey. All of the levels had the song Forget You by Cee Lo Green playing in the background. It played on a constant loop, and it made Austin run out of the room in fear as that song killed his undercover lover who worked in the Chinese quarter but he kept it to himself.
Also at some point the rocket turned into Barack Obama's head, and I had to use it to get to the different hub worlds, I couldn't pause the game either, and certain cutscenes had been dubbed over, and now played audio from Brother Bear.
I somehow managed to get to the boss fight with Scorch, and Scrotch never bothered trying to attack me. Just as Scrotch was about to die, Vito Corleone's face came on screen, and said, "I'm a little worried about this Sollozzo fella I want you to find out what he's got under his fingernails ya know?" Then Henry Tomasino came on screen, and said, "good job Vito good job." He then shoved a piece of pie in his mouth, and gave Spyro a wink.
Then without rhyme or reason, we ended up back in Sunrise Spring, and I lost all of my progress meaning I had no eggs, and all my gems were gone too. Also Sunrise Spring was shown at night time instead of day time like normal, and the river located by Molten Crater was now made of cheese sauce. Also, my controller began vibrating like crazy, and it nearly destroyed my hands.
At this point the game was impossible to play as none of the levels would open except for Molten Crater, and Hunter would keep trying to kill me with a tommy gun. None of my button prompts did anything, and the game became pooey looking again with the game running incredibly slowly. It took ten hours to get Spyro from the start of Sunrise Springs to the bottom of it.
I got up, and went over to press the eject button on my ps1 when a small video began playing which showed a dark figure staring at the screen. Their face was hidden due to a dark hood covering it. However, he eventually removed the hood, and made his way towards the screen. It was... it was.... it was Rabe Maniels! "You shouldn't have forgotten me I'm not dead." Rabe said as he laughed evilly, and with that the disc popped out of my ps1 by itself.
I took a dump on it, and then ate it as I had a thing for poop. Bernard said, "I used to work for Rabe at a shop in Croydon." I grabbed Bernard by the neck, and yelled, "that's impossible! Rabe never owned a shop!" I yelled angrily. "The blade that pierced his heart came from his Krusty Burger." Bernard said as I snapped his neck, and ate him in two seconds flat as I was a cannibal after all.
Suddenly, my copy of Spyro 3 grew legs, and began running towards me, We had an epic fight, and it was destroyed when Smithee shot it with his shotgun.
Two hours later, we had gotten everything cleaned up by burning the game, and had Austin make arrangements for Bernard's funeral. "So who is this Rabe Maniels?" Alfred asked while making cups of tea in the kitchen. "He's some kind of supervillain who tried to take over the world by changing television into Rabe Maniels TV." I explained. "Oh yes remember him now. I used hang out with him and Alan Johnson at the policeman ball every year." Alfred explained. We were all aware of Rabe Maniels, and his plot to take over the world with lost episodes. However he was stopped by an unlikely group of friends who called themselves The Lost Episode Busters.
Suddenly, my doorbell rang, and I told Austin to go see who it was. He answered the door, and a big fat policeman walked in. It was Police Commissioner Strickland who used to be a small time cook who lived by the Brook with his wife who loved to cook. Alfred had called Strickland about the game, and asked for police assistance in the matter.
"So we're okay then? We're not in any trouble." Austin asked as Strickland made his way inside the living room placing his overcoat onto the table. "Well all I can say is that your game might be useful in a possible lawsuit against Insomniac. I'll need to know how you found it, and so on." Strickland said as he sat down letting out a massive fart which killed Austin because of how smelly it was. The smell a kind of smelly smell a smelly smell which smells smelly. "Shall I take the matter up to the army?" I asked which caused Strickland to slap me aggressively. "NO! I forbid you to make any comments to the press!" Strickland yelled at the top of his lungs.
Me and Alfred spent the next hour telling Strickland about our experience with the game. "If you make a game like this for the richest people in town what do you get?" I said when it hit me. "Us. They get us." I said as another big fat guy made his way inside the living room with a smug grin on his face. "Oh has someone been naughty?" He asked as he shut the door tight behind him.
Strickland let out a massive fart, and this time I got offended like some kind of SJW. I asked, "excuse me do you mind not farting while I'm saving the world?" "Would you rather silent but deadly?" The other fat guy joked which caused Strickland to snicker. Strickland then got up from his chair, and took off his cap placing it on the table.
Strickland then unzipped a zipper on his forehead, and began to strip down revealing it have to been a skin suit. Rabe Maniels then stepped out of the costume, and said, "are you going to print this information?" Rabe pulled out a gun, and aimed it at me. "It seems not all your friends are quite as loyal as you might think Walter. Old Alfred." Rabe said as I asked, "Alfred? What are you talking about?" "We picked him up when he left the mansion to get you that game, and he's been a good boy ever since." Rabe explained. I turned to Alfred, and yelled, "you rat! You rat! You sold us out!" Alfred then explained that he had betrayed me because I was always making fun of his addiction to tangerines.
"You spat in the faces of your employees. Didn't you think that one day one of them would have of had enough?" Alfred asked as Rabe got ready to shoot me. I ran towards him, and attempted to overpower him but I was very weak as I had a very bad cold. It was chilly outside after all. "You're losing your strength Mr Simeon." Rabe laughed as he nearly managed to shoot me in the head. When all of the sudden, someone crashing through the walls of my mansion on a tank. The Shadow Reader was standing on top of it, and he was dressed like Doctor Octopus from Spider-Man with the huge robotic tentacles attached to him. "Hello Rabe. No long no see." Shadow said, as Rabe attempted to shoot him.
However, Shadow was too quick for him, and took the gun out of Rabe's hands. "Goodbye for now." Rabe said as he used an emergency teleport to get away from us. I climbed on top of Shadow's shoulders, and he grabbed me towards the sky.
We ran towards the mountains located outside my mansion, and made our way up them. I told Shadow to go on without me, as I needed to finish things with Alfred who had followed us up the mountain. Shadow turned to me and said, "you were absolutely fantastic! And you know what? So was I!" Shadow yelled as he made his way further up the mountains until he had disappeared entirely.
I was tackled to the floor by Alfred, and I yelled, "you backstabbing son of a bitch!" "I'm a survivor Walter a survivor. That's all there is. Living and dying." Alfred as he pulled out a small handgun. He managed to beat me in a bloody fist fight, and he aimed the gun at me. "You're not better than me Simeon!" Alfred yelled. "Whatever you say you fool." I said as he shot me in the face. Alfred laughed evilly as he made his way back into the shadows.
I didn't die from the shot however, and I made my way towards the top of the mountain. Then the sun had a face, and it came up to me, and sang, "it's gonna be a good one just wait and see!" I then burnt to death as the sun had gotten way too close to me.
I am now a ghost, and as a ghost, I was able to see The Shadow Reader making his way back to Matthew William's house which had a newly rebuilt door. "Well where's Simeon?" Matthew asked confused. "He's dead." Shadow said before continuing, "it's worse than I thought. Matthew summon the rest of the gang. This Rabe Maniels thing ends now, but before we can fight him we need..." "What do we need?" Matthew asked confused. "A tailor. Ha just joking. We need an army..." Shadow said as he made inside Matthew's place to make some phone calls. He was going to call some of the old guys. There was an Eastern European guy making moves in Liberty City, but nah he went quiet.
What's it like being a ghost? You might be asking dear reader. It was pretty cool as I don't have to pay bills anymore. I hope Shadow and his gang can kill Rabe Maniels, and that's the only thing anyone could want as they do serve beer in Hell.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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