The Strange Kirby Disc: Spring Breeze
Author's note: After reading Sonic.EXE and determining it had no redeeming qualities, I wanted to create a similar (in plot-only) story with a more humorous appeal. It was originally titled "Kirby_Super_Star_Ultra_(USA).nds" to keep with the "file extension" trope, but I later renamed it to "The Broken Kirby Disc" and later "The Modified Kirby Disc". It might take a while for the later parts to upload because I'm a busy man.
Sep 10, 2024, 5:40 P.M.
Tuesday. The absolute WORST day of the week. After gambling away a sizable chunk of NOSE Studios's stock on the hottest day of the year, I had enough. I was at my breaking point. Unfortunately, the final straw occurred when I saw the worst thing my eyes had ever witnessed. A fucking Christmas promotion. In September. Oh Lord, have mercy. I burned the whole thing down (just the ad, not the entire billboard) and sprinted the heck outta there.
Greeted by my expert swordsman and veteran animator friend Jhomathy, he kindly asked me how my day was. I screamed so loud that he turned so white he was now a mannequin. Of course, I kicked him all the way to a nearby department store because I'm nice like that. As I returned home, I noticed my sentient nose friend, Tennors, had served himself with my Cocoa Puffs. I cartoonishly smacked him out of the way, and ate the remaining Cocoa Puffs, box and all.
His unconscious body had left behind a letter from his edgy rat friend, Felix. There was writing on the back side of the letter that read, "yo tennors my man, can you pass this on to lance? I'm sure his stupid ass will enjoy the lowest common denominator" That was uncalled for. Anyway, reading the actual letter, it was something like this:
Lance,
I found this on a counter at my anti-assassin group Anti-R.A.V.I.N.G. Group Headquarters. (A.R.G.H. for short.) It was a CD with a drawing of that stupid pink circle you like. I obviously didn't care for it, so I wrote this, then folded it into an airplane before chucking both at Tennors. Here's your crap assuming he used his brain for once. Put it in your PC or whatever and you might not get a virus.
Neutral regards,
Felix P. Ricardo
And whaddya know, the disc was in perfect shape, and had this cruddy drawing of Kirby on it. Anyway, it was 6 P.M., meaning time to close. Someone was interested in our business outside even though we were closed. I pressed the "Deal with Stupid Customer" button by the door and blew him away. I mean that in a literal sense, a comically sized fan appeared out of the sidewalk.
I arrived home, put the disc in my PC, and found it was a seemingly normal ROM of Kirby Super Star Ultra. I've played it before, so my first thoughts were "Well, today's been a waste, can't get much worse, so I might play this tomorrow." Unbeknownst to me, it could get worse. I animated random shit the rest of the night. I did have a weird dream, though. Kirby and I were on a date (please don't ask, I don't know why) and we were eating a massive plate of chicken nuggets. He said "Poyo" over and over again with a generic Nickelodeon sitcom laugh playing every time he did so. Well, time to 100% KSSU for the third time.
Sep 11, 2024, 10:00 A.M.
So by now you likely know that I'm a huge Kirby fan. While I prefer Return to Dream Land and Amazing Mirror over Super Star Ultra, it's still a really good game full of content. Booting up RetroArch and loading the ROM, it started with the usual cutscene. However, when Kirby flew downward, it played the clip from the Kirby anime of him falling off a cliff. I thought this was just a simple ROM hack, but my thoughts were nullified when I started Spring Breeze. The opening FMV was normal, but as Kirby jumped on his Warp Star, a gust of wind blew him away. Guess that's the breeze in Spring Breeze.
Anyway, the level title card was skipped, and the breeze blew him into Green Greens. Also, for some reason, the music was a remix of Iceberg from Dream Land 2. I was not prepared for what happened next. The start was normally a tall ledge with a singular Waddle Doo. But here, the stage was PACKED with loads of Waddle Doos. All of them played DS-compressed "Beam Attack" voice lines as they barely missed me. Were they secretly Stormtroopers? I sucked every last one using Inhale, with all of them screaming before getting eaten. Kirby was bloated with a pained expression on his face. I faced left, then spat. A super large Star Bullet emerged with a bass boosted sound effect as Kirby flew back from the recoil and into the forest. He crash landed in the area where you fight Poppy Bro Sr. As he spawned in, I was excited for some actual gameplay. At that moment, it felt like Shinya Kumazaki himself sensed my excitement and ROBBED it from me, because the game fucking faded to a black screen!
It faded into the fucking Poppy Bro Sr cutscene from Kirby's Avalanche, but it had bad voice acting. Poppy Bro was fine, but Kirby sounded like fucking Muscle Man from Regular Show. The cutscene played as normal (I mean outside of the shitty voice acting) but when Kirby said "I'll breathe on your pathetic bombs and spit them right back at ya", it cut to the English Kirby anime intro but treble boosted. I JUST WANTED TO PLAY THE GAME, DAMMIT!
After THAT ended, I reappeared in Whispy Woods' boss arena. As I descended, I PRAYED for some actual gameplay. As the fight started, no cutscene appeared. However, I was distracted, and Whispy Woods dropped an apple right on Kirby. He stayed in one "hurt" sprite, and the music stopped. I thought the game crashed, but then I was jumpscared by a closeup of Kirby with an angry face. As it returned to normal, he put Whispy Woods into a chokehold and suffocated him DESPITE THE FACT HE IS A TREE. Thankfully, I could control Kirby again and grabbed the first Sparkling Star. I created a save file on Save Slot 0 and quit since I had actual responsibilities to tend to.
Sep 11, 2024, 12:15 P.M.
Okay, I spedran my lunch so I could go back to this repulsive game. About 90% of it has been cutscenes, but WHO CARES. I like shitty games. It started off with the level cutscene for Float Islands. Normally, Kirby goes fishing, then inhales the fish and the rod, causing the fish to move inside of him. However, NOTHING IS NORMAL HERE. The cutscene started as normal, but the rod was pulled into the water and Kirby flew headfirst into a nearby tree. Why can't I just play actual Kirby for once?
I was given a glimpse of hope when it started normal. (The music was Kine's theme from Dream Land 2 though, for some reason) I ate the Knuckle Joe to get Fighter, and hovered over the water pit because I hate swimming in Kirby games. But since the game hates me, the pit was MUCH LONGER. So long, in fact, that it took 3 minutes for something interesting to happen! Believe me, I counted! At 3 minutes, however, 17 Blippers (the fish goobers) jumped out of the water and tackled me Kirby Mass Attack-style. Then a Porcupuffer from Super Mario World ate me and the 17 Blippers, but spit me out because I tasted bad. How rude.
I flew through the door to the underground section and pinballed through dozens of Kabus, Gordos, and Rockies, Kirby Canvas Curse-style. I grabbed Ice from the Chilly along the way, as well as the Invincibility Candy from the next room after. As I appeared in the room with Mr. Frosty, he screamed before I hit him with a slide kick and he evaporated into nothing.
Grabbing the Warp Star to fly to Castle Lololo, I turned my ability into a Helper and got Crash from a Bomber. I went into the boss room, then used Crash Fireball on Lololo and Lalala. As this happened, a stock explosion played over the footage while a poorly green-screened Kirby (whose animation was taken from the Blooper Reel) flew out of the room from the recoil. He crash landed in the area with the second Sparkling Star in the Family Guy death pose while the Kirby Dance music played. (oh yeah also Chilly fucking died in the explosion) It faded to black, and I made a save file. I was starting to lose it. Anyway, lunch is over, back to work.
Sep 11, 2024, 5:30 P.M.
As annoying as this is, I can't just leave the game unfinished. I continued in Bubbly Clouds. The music playing was that sick-ass jazz remix of Butter Building from Kirby 64. The cutscene was the Bubbly Clouds cutscene from the original Dream Land. There, Kirby falls into a cloud and it starts raining stars and Kirbys. The regular game uses the Castle Lololo cutscene instead. So that was cool, I guess. As the level started, I ate the Blade Knight to get Sword, then discarded the sword to change my helper. However, the Shotzo sniped me out of the air as I jumped. This made Kirby angry, so he slide kicked the Shotzo off the cloud. The Scarfies nearby attempted to tackle me, but I entered the door quicker than they could do so. At this point, I progressed through the next room and used the Sir Kibble and the Waddle Doo to mix. …and I got Mike. Oh dear god. Reluctantly pressing B, Kirby screamed "GECK!" in an uncharacteristically gravelly American voice so fucking loudly I was knocked unconscious. How the fuck was the DS able to handle such high quality sound?
Sep 11, 2024, 6:40 P.M.
I woke up in my home in front of my computer with the game being left off where it was before I pressed B. Kirby was playing chess with his Blade Knight helper. Seriously? Dedede has stolen all the food and the Sparkling Stars, meaning the population of Dream Land will fucking starve, and Kirby's playing a game of fucking chess? I can't take this. Entering the next room, Kirby said "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and pulled out a comically sized fan to blow everything far away as the Sky theme from Yoshi's Island kicked in. A monotone voice said "Kracko Jr." as we entered his arena. However, everything hit him at once and he exploded instantly. In the next room, all the Star Blocks were grabbed, and the gust became a tornado. It cut to an FMV of Kracko panicking as he saw the oncoming tornado. He tried to flee, but got hit by a Minecraft anvil that came out of nowhere. Kirby collected the third Sparkling Star, and ate the tornado.
With this, there was only one stage left: Mt. Dedede. Kirby didn't have his Warp Star, so he just ate a Wheelie to get Wheel and blasted off right up the mountain. Entering Dedede's ring, dialogue appeared on screen.
"Stop exactly what you are doing, King Dedede!"
"nah"
"Alright then, prepare for TOTAL ANNIHILATION!"
I got ready for an epic boss fight… only to find they were playing table tennis with a Gordo. (Also, I'm pretty sure the music was some overdone hard rock music during the match. It was really annoying) After winning, I think? I managed to restore the food to Dream Land or whatever while wondering who created this. I'm hoping the later games are less cutscene-y when I come back. I'll probably take a break from this game for a while, but I'll keep you guys updated.
END OF PART 1
Written by W⑨-⑤
Content is available under CC BY-SA
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