The Sugar Puff Calamity

Sugar Puff Sugar Puff huff honey Sugar Puff on a milky bar, put em in your mouth and they make you laugh. Kept in the cupboard taken out for breakfast they're spoon's best friend and the fridge's favourite. Huff puff huff puff huff puff witty sunshine biscuits! Oh my wickers! Sorry I didn't see ya come in. My name is Buckie O'Buck Neil, and I was a famous war hero in the Oliver Oil war of 1933. I got a little story to tell you all today, and it's all related to sugar puffs or more specifically it's all about the mascot behind Sugar Puffs. That's right I'm talking about none other than the Honey Monster himself. So please get yourself comfy on my polar bear rug, as I begin to tell you a story so sad that it will make you weep like a little donkey.

So allow me to start by saying that Honey Monster is completely real, and unlike the papers claim is totally not a guy wearing a costume. No he is a totally real monster who hails from the planet Honex. Honex is a planet just north of Saturn, and it is a planet very much like Earth with the only key difference being that all of the inhabitants of the planet are bees. Yes, big scary humanoid bees who live very boring and mundane lives. They go to college like us and even attend church but on Thursday because that's when we go live! Sadly, there is a serious lack of good jobs on Honex meaning that most of the residents all work the exact same job. This job is as you might expect creating honey. However, the honey stored on Honex is the most sweet and tasty honey that you will never be able to taste, because for some stupid reason our supermarkets think that is a good move to water down the shit out of the sweet wumpa. There are honey manufacturing plants stationed all across the entire planet, and even in the big cities like Beedon and New Bee City.

Honex are responsible for creating Honey Monster, and allow me to explain the story behind that if you'd let me dear reader. The President of Honex: Big Bee demanded that the planet's honey be imported to Earth due to the stock market there being much larger than the one on Honex. Oh! He was a tight fisted hand at the grindstone that bee! A big chungus of a bee who always makes time to tell really horrible puns. He's also so big that he can't even fly and requires his fellow bee assistants to carry him. Now, Big Bee was somewhat intelligent as he had made contact with the citizens of Earth, and received special cash rewards from the planet for all the honey he delivers to them. Now, the Earth then began complaining about the fact that there weren't enough honey flavoured cereals so to combat this issue, Big Bee created Honey Nut Cheerio's for the United States, and made his homie Buzz become the mascot for the brand. Meanwhile, the United Kingdom who did not have the Honey Nut Cheerio's needed some honey for their cereal so that's when Big Bee came up with Sugar Puffs.

The very first batch of Sugar Puffs were produced in a rundown warehouse on Mondon. Two bees named Johnny and Stinger were ordered by Big Bee to create the ultimate bee with super strength and a hatred for everything that isn't Sugar Puffs. The pair set to work and in order to create the Honey Monster they kidnapped a huge grizzly bear and some hay from a nearby farm. "Are you sure this is going to work?" Johnny asked confused. "Oh trust me it will!" Stinger proclaimed happliy while making a phone call to the local Bee Cartel in order to remind them that Johnny was once again falling back on his gambling debts and that perhaps now was the time to give him a remainder. Anyways, Johnny and Stinger placed the grizzly bear and hay into a morphing machine which would combine the DNA of both items in order to make something real special. That's when Johnny did a strange thing. He patted Stinger affectionately on the shoulder before saying, "bee seeing you my friend." He then proceeded to shove Stinger into the machine, and closed the door tight behind him locking Stinger inside, Oh, Stinger tried his best to break through the glass door, but it had no effect as Johnny slammed his fist down on the big red button, and create the very thing that would change the world of cereal forever.

One hour later, the machine opened up and a large trail of smelly yellow gas entered the factory. Johnny put on a gas mask as he proclaimed, "welcome home son!" That's when the creature made itself known. It had the height, strength, and the speed of a grizzly bear, the yellow fur from the hay, and the immense love for honey and sugar puffs cutesy of the late Stinger. "Honey!" The thing proclaimed as he began chugging down several boxes of Sugar Puffs which had been laid out on a nearby table. Meanwhile, Big Bee who was watching this from his office on the top floor of the factory proclaimed, "well now we've got our Honey Monster!" Sadly, Honey Monster didn't get to spend much time on his home planet as he was very greedy ya see, and as such would always eat mountains upon mountains of Sugar Puffs. It got so bad that eventually Big Bee did not have enough to send back to Earth, and he needed the money in order to buy his own private yacht. For Big Bee had always had a passion for yachting, but his old yacht was stolen from him by an incredibly cynical TV executive who used to run rackets for the Tennis Mafia up on Jupiter. How incredibly interesting! Also, Honey Monster was so addicted to honey that he even began eating straight from the hives. Yes you see; on Honex all of the residents live in hives as bees tend to do ya know? Realising that Honey Monster could destroy the entire planet's honey supply, Big Bee was left with only one option: he had to get rid of Honey Monster.

However, Big Bee realised that he couldn't kill the big brute, and after holding a meeting in the city hall decided that it would be the best to send Honey Monster to Earth. After all, he had previously sent Buzz to Earth in order to market Honey Nut Cheerio's so why not send Honey Monster to do the exact same thing just for Sugar Puffs? Little did he know how wrong he was. So that evening, arrangements were made, and Honey Monster was tricked into going to Patsy's his favourite Italian restaurant because they served Sugar Puffs as a starter, and as I heard earlier this was the only thing that Honey Monster could actually eat. So while he was eating his delicious bowl of Sugar Puffs, a thin piece of string was thrown around Honey Monster's neck, and he was then dragged out of the restaurant by the neck. "Uh oh!" Honey Monster cried as he was dragged through the entire city all the way through the Honeycomb Desert where a large space shuttle was waiting for him. Honey Monster was then placed onto a stretcher, and was pushed into the space shuttle as it got ready for take off. "Set course for Great Britain!" Big Bee proclaimed while showing off his 9000 teeth as the shuttle flew high into the evening sky. It flew through the stars and cosmos as Honey Monster shed a tear reading a newspaper all about narcotics. Eventually, the space shuttle reached Earth, and began plummeting at an alarming rate. It ended up crashing into Big Ben causing the mighty clock to shatter into a million tiny bite size pieces, and eventually the shuttle finally crash landed in the Thames.

The media outcry was horrendous, and General Asquith was summoned to London to help with the crisis. Meanwhile, Honey Monster who had been rendered unconscious by the crash was recovered from the wreckage by military scuba divers. Honey Monster was taken to Albion Hospital in order to be dissected by a mad witch doctor.... no it's not Aku Aku it was a fat fucking tennis ball looking prick named Doctor Testaball. Doctor Testaball used to work at a hospital up in Las Venturas, but was fired for saying that all the staff looked like curly hair chicken crossdressers. So, Testaball was forced to move to London where he got a job dissecting people for he had a great talent for it or so the papers claimed. Not long after the crash occurred, General Asquith and a platoon of soldiers appeared at the hospital. Arriving at the autopsy room, Asquith made his way over to Honey Monster who lay on top of the autopsy table. Asquith remarked, "good God and that's real? It's not a hoax or a dummy or a...." Suddenly, Honey Monster's eyes shot open, and he proclaimed, "honey!" He then grabbed General Asquith by the neck, and threw him across the room. "Me want honey!" Honey Monster cried at the top of his lungs as he made his way outside crashing through the walls of the hospital. I heard that the hospital had problems with getting the right windows due to an incident involving a cynical undertaker which all took place in the summer of 48.

Ahem! Anyways, one of Asquith's soldiers came into the autopsy room, and helped General Asquith got back on his feet. However, upon seeing Doctor Testaball for the very first time; the soldier cried, "wait what the fuck is that sack!?" This ended up driving Testaball up the wall and he ended up killing all the soldiers expect for Asquith who managed to leave the hospital undetected. He decided that perhaps it was better to not get involved in this whole Honey Monster fiasco, and he would write a letter to the President in order to explain the sitchy. Meanwhile, Honey Monster went on the run to London where he found work at a local advertising agency. The advertising agency were initially terrified of Honey Monster and his monstrous design, but decided to roll with it as he looked far more realistic and scary than the Honey Monsters they had used before for their adverts.

As it turns out; Big Bee and Johnny had actually created a huge batch of Honey Monsters, but they never looked quite right, and there was always something wrong with them. These defect Honey Monsters were sent to Earth, and they were so embarrassed by their hideous appearances that they disguised themselves as various people across Great Britain. However, the agency then asked the monsters if they wanted to star in some commercials for Sugar Puffs not knowing that they were actually monsters in disguise. However, the truth was quickly revealed when the monsters disguised as a child named Mickey Bob saw Sugar Puffs on a kitchen cabinet ended up ripping himself out of his flesh suit revealing it have been nothing more than an elaborate red herring. Feeling very sadistic, the agency began exploiting the defect monsters to their advantage, and threatened them to start in their commercials over pain of death. Some of the monsters eventually did die from exhaustion, and were made into rugs. The rugs were then sold to some of the finest and richest people in the country including yours truly. However, all this occurred in the 1970's and 80's, and by the time the true Honey Monster arrived on the scene it was now the hustle and bustling 2000's.

Now because Honey Monster was very camera shy, the adverts starring him had to be filmed without his knowledge. Honey Monster is incredibly awkward. In fact, he's so incredibly awkward that allow me to explain for a memento how incredibly awkward he truly is. One time, Honey Monster received a visit from his neighbour Judy Pineapple who asked for something to eat. "Hi I just moved in next door could I borrow some sugar perhaps?" Judy asked also while she was talking Honey Monster's jaw dropped to the floor. He couldn't believe what he saw! Judy was wearing a necklace which showed a terrifying picture of Squidward although he looked very sinister. That's certainly not the Squidward that I know! "Sure!" Honey Monster proclaimed happliy as he headed inside his flat, and because he's so fucking stupid he thought Sugar Puffs were the ideal thing to give to Judy. Even though, Honey could have just given her a box of sugar... I mean he had a full box on top of his fridge, but whatever don't judge cause ole Honey Monster ain't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Know what I mean? Sadly, Honey Monster only one had puff left in his Sugar Puffs, and was therefore forced to get some more. "Won't be a mo!" Honey Monster proclaimed to Judy as he leaped out of his window, and began climbing across the rooftops like a mad man. Only he was no man he was a monster.

Honey Monster was eventually able to reach the streets down below, and made his way towards the local supermarket sliding across the floors until he reached the cereal aisle. He grabbed a huge box of Sugar Puffs, and didn't even bother paying for it. and began climbing up the rooftops where he gave Judy some cereal. The cereal made Judy gag violently as she asked, "do you have any milk by chance?" "Oh no!" Honey Monster cried, but just as he was about to head back to the supermarket Judy's face ended up swelling up like a balloon because she was deathly allergic to honey. Not wanting to face criminal charges, Honey Monster ended up eating Judy all in one bite. He then let out a big ole fart as he said, "I guess love really does make the world go around!"

Now as it turns out; Judy Pineapple was very well liked in the complex, and as such Honey Monster's neighbours signed a petition to get him kicked out. So, Honey left his flat behind. Sadly, because the adverts he stars in make him very little profit; Honey Monster is forced to work several other part-time jobs in order to help pay the bills. He certainly did not have the skills to pay the bills! Having not a pence to his name, Honey Monster was forced to rent a room at a bog standard council house which had no washing machine, but it did have windows so that's a big advantage. Let's you have the upper-hand should an inspector come a knocking. Know what I mean my bucko? Another tenant in the house was a struggling musician and part-time crook named Dominic Garlic. Luckily for Honey Monster, Dominic was just as addicted to Sugar Puffs as he was. Every single morning, the pair would sing a little jingle together before digging in their precious cereal. "Sugar Puff Sugar Puff huff honey Sugar Puff on a milky bar, put em in your mouth and they make you laugh. Kept in the cupboard taken out for breakfast they're spoon's best friend and the fridge's favourite. Huff puff huff puff huff puff witty sunshine biscuits!" Honey Monster and Dominic would sing every morning, and I do really mean every morning.

Honey Monster also worked for the Sugar Puff company as a security guard from time to time. One day, one of the company's trucks was stolen from a small time crook, and Honey Monster made his soul goal to stop him and rescue the Sugar Puffs no matter the cost. Honey chased the truck all the way through the streets of London before succeeding in action hijacking it. He got onto the truck and threw the small crook out the window as he said, "there's a place for trash like him." However, while saying this, Honey Monster had his head turned away from the windshield, and upon turning back around was dismayed to learn that he was heading straight towards a massive cereal bowl which was conveniently placed in the middle of the park. "Uh oh!" Honey Monster cried at the top of his lungs whilst covering his face with his big yellow furry hands braising for impact. The truck crashed head first into the bowl somehow causing all the sweet and delicious Sugar Puffs to land inside it. Then as if by magic, a passing helicopter poured a huge bottle of milk into the bowl. Honey Monster then began relaxing on a lilo which allowed for him to float above the cereal as he joked, "hey got any spoons?"

By 2009, Honey Monster had become a respected figure in the world of British advertising, and was then invited to take part in a Comic Relief scheme launched by the PG Tips Monkey. Monkey had gotten Honey Monster and all the other greatest minds in British advertising gathered together in one room including Churchill, Smash Martian, Captain Birdseye, and even 118 118. Don't know who any of these characters are because you're not British? Well shut up and listen reader then maybe you might learn something! So, Honey Monster attended an incredibly boring meeting with his fellow British advertising legends in an attempt to come up for something to do with comic relief. "Come on guys Richard Curtis called me personally, so what can we do?" Monkey asked to which Smash Martian responded with, "let's shave gorilla ha ha!" The gorilla who had been let into the meeting room for unknown reasons remained impassive like some kind of Tom Hagen. "I know how about a song?" Monkey suggested to which everyone groaned in annoyance. "Oh no!" Churchill whined.

As if by magic, Honey Monster rose from his chair, and began singing in the most angelic voice you'd ever hear. His incredibly gruff sounding voice was gone and was replaced with a calm and soothing voice which brought everyone in the room including Monkey and Smash Martian to tears. Even, Captain Birdseye was awoken from his slumber as the entire meeting was drawn to a halt as they watched on in amazement as Honey Monster sang his heart out about his hatred for the current sociological mandates. Suddenly, Richard Curtis came in and was very rude indeed. He ordered everyone to stop being such miserable sods, and to start singing. However, Honey Monster then lost his angelic voice and went back to singing in his normal incredibly gruff sounding one. "Hey you big fella what happened to the lovely voice?" Monkey asked bewildered.

Realising that he had quite the talent for singing, Honey Monster joined the local choir. Sadly, he just couldn't get the courage to sing in his lovely angelic voice, and always sang in his gruff nasty voice which resulted in him getting kicked out from the choir just before they went on tour to Italy to meet the incredibly cynical opera master. In a reaction to this lynching, Honey Monster opted to never try singing again. Although, Honey always sang in the mornings with Dominic in his gruff voice when he was alone in the shower or Dominic was off at work he would sing his heart out. He would sing his mighty monster heart out to his sponge which smelt so bad that it made Honey Monster's eyes water but he did not care. Sadly not long after the Comic Relief meeting, Honey Monster stopped appearing in adverts for an incredibly long time as the agency claimed to no longer have any use for him.

Depressed, Honey Monster tried his best to get one up on the Sugar Puff company by launching his own smuggling racket. He began smuggling in Sugar Puffs straight from the factory, and then with Dominic's help trafficked the cereal across the country. He also began selling the cereal right from his doorstep, and because of this he nicknamed his house The House Of Puff. The action of cereal trafficking made Honey Monster a killing, and he saved that money in the Bikini Bottom Mint. Sadly, the Bikini Bottom Mint was incredibly corrupt, and so they ended up informing the head of the Sugar Puff factory: Gareth Croc about this lynching of his profits. Gareth Croc was an incredibly sadistic eel who had gained a reputation by working as an enforcer for the Rosato Brothers. He tried his darndest to conceal his darker nature with an air of sophistication and calmness but his ignorance and racism towards starfish always shines through. So after receiving the tip off from the Bikini Bottom Mint, Gareth Croc decided to pay a personal visit to Honey Monster's residence. Actually, Gareth not being a very reasonable individual instead opted to have Honey Monster kidnapped and brought to the Sugar Puff factory for interrogation.

At the interrogation which was held in an incredibly smelly meeting room, Mr Croc had an intense go at Honey Monster for stealing his cereal. He then asked in a rather spicy voice. "What gave you the idea to steal my cereal?" He then proceeded to lean forward on the table while his eyebrows went up and down. Honey Monster then muttered, "well now how come your name is Croc when you're a fucking eel?" This caused Mr Croc to smile an incredibly sinister grin and showed off his incredibly sharp teeth. Mr Croc then forced Honey Monster to perform several tests in order to guarantee his freedom. These tests included sending letters to Santa Clause and making pumpkin pies. Of course, Honey Monster failed miserably at all of these tasks, and it caused Mr Croc to call his contact in the police department to have Honey Monster arrested. Honey Monster was sentenced to ten years, but only served six months after getting bailed out by Dominic and fellow tenant James Sand.

Back at the house, Honey Monster was chewed out by Dominic and Sand for his betrayal of the Sugar Puff company. The following morning after his arrest, Honey Monster made his way towards the advertising agency's headquarters in order to demand that he be featured in a new advert. Sadly, the head of the agency: Mr Director: yes that's his actual surname refused to shoot any more commercials with Honey Monster due to his recent arrest. "Honey I love you but I just can't smile." Mr Director asked as a depressed Honey Monster made his way out of the recording studio, and down the streets towards his local bar in an attempt to drown his sorrows in milk. At the bar, Honey Monster was approached by Shady McShadson the manager of the bar who suggested that Honey Monster help him rob a bank in order to deal with his incoming debts which were sure to be enormous. "Sounds a little risky." Honey Monster said as he downed his glass of milk. "Hey don't sweat it little H it'll be real easy!" McShadson explained while pulling an incredibly sinister smile. Honey Monster was wary of McShadson shady reputation shall we say but he was desperate. The bills for the last six months while he was in prison had been paid by Dominic and Sand, but he was sure that this month's bills would be through the roof due to the fact that he was no longer cereal trafficking.

The bank was located just outside Fort Wallace in Granit Pass. Dominic had declined to take part in the robbery due to him now having a cushy job at the local Tesco. So, James Sand offered to accompany Honey Monster for the job as some extra security. Before heading inside the bank, McShadson handed Honey Monster an AK47. "Hey you've got to be a straight shooter do ya got it?" Shady asked. "What?" Honey Monster asked but before he could get an answer McShadson and James had already made their way inside the bank. The job went off without a hitch for the most part until the trio were confronted outside by a large group of soldiers and a SWAT team led by none other than General Asquith himself. "Uh... phone a friend?" Honey Monster asked. "Poof!" James yelled at the very top of his lungs. General Asquith and his cohorts were so confused by James' sudden outburst that it allowed for the trio to escape undetected. Now you may think that they've won the battle, but oh man are you wrong! Upon returning home, the trio were horrified to learn that they had left the money at the bank, and had never bothered taking it outside with them, "Poof!" James proclaimed once again as he shot McShadson in the head killing him instantly for getting involved Honey and James involved in such a disastrous job, and they would have gotten away with too if they hadn't left the money inside the bank like morons!

Almost completely out of money, Honey Monster tried his best to join up with the Brethren Court which comprised of all the most famous cereal mascots in the world including Tony Tiger, Lucky the Leprechaun, Toucan Sam, and many others. Well expect for Trix Rabbit who was currently living it up in North Yankton under the new identity of Sera Johnson. The Brethren Court though impressed with Honey Monster's handling of the bank job, they still spurned his offer with contempt. "You're just not greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!" Tony proclaimed happliy. "Well it's not just that lad." Lucky said before continuing with, "it's just that we've already got our own Honey Monster so we don't... really need ya laddie." "Uh come again?" Honey Monster asked bewildered as this so called other Honey Monster came into the room. He was incredibly cheap looking, and had a much calmer and softer voice. He was also responsible for the Sugar Puffs company being renamed after himself for this new and so called improved Honey Monster could not stand the aggravation that came from eating sugar. "Sorry kid but we're looking for something a little richer in protein ya know?" Tony asked rhetorically. It was a dismissal. Honey Monster made his way out of the Brethren Court's meeting room, and sang all the way home where a disgruntled Dominic and Sand would be waiting for him.

Honey Monster never gave up hope, and instead began getting some part-time jobs to help pay the bills until his acting career took off again. He got a job as a security guard for Pot Noodle Industries, and overall became just a more happy monster to be with, and that's just marvellous. Meanwhile, the Brethren Court were eventually dismantled after Cap'n Crunch turned out to be a police informant. "Horrifying isn't it?" Cap'n Crunch asked rhetorically while chilling in the Crunch Mobile as he saw his former friends including Tony and Lucky getting taken downtown. I'm talking downtown! Without the original Honey Monster and the iconic name, the Sugar Puff company as well as the still unnamed industry, and fell into despair for their new Honey Monster was way too PC for their liking, but there was nothing they could do now. They wanted to get more money out of people's pockets no matter the consequences so Honey Monster made sure they did. Also, when Big Bee learned about all of Honey Monster's achievements he smiled a happy smile knowing that his beautiful monster had grown into a magnificent swan, and that's just beautiful.

Ladies and gentlemen; that is the end of our sugary story, and I have to say I'm so glad that we finally have the full story on what really happened to Honey Monster. We finally know first hand the trials and tribulations that Honey had to go on in order to make something of himself in a forever changing city. Sure, Honey Monster may have been forgotten by the company that he helped to establish, but in the end he ended up having the last laugh as the company are barley making ends meat now. An eye for an eye as they say in Sicily! So the next time you're eating your Sugar Puff cereal, just you remember this story, because I guarantee it will make think twice about taking things for granted. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go have some cereal for breakfast. Ooh yeah some nice sugary cereal. Poof!

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Credited to Bruno Tattagllia

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