The Super Mario Massacre

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One day, when I was playing Super Mario Bros., something terrible happened. I will tell you the story.

I was looking at my games one day and found a Super Mario Bros. cartridge. I remember quitting this game years ago because I died so many times just on World 1-1. I grabbed it and put it in my NES. When I was playing it again, the first Goomba killed me. I got so upset. The next time, I was able to jump over the Goomba, but then a random tank ran Mario over. I didn't remember this being in the original game. Then I avoided the tank and then Barney the Dinosaur came up to me with a chainsaw. He hit Mario with it, but surprisingly there was no blood. It just showed Mario's normal death screen in the game.

I died over 200 times in world 1-1, but then I got to the flagpole. I jumped to it, but then Spider-Man grabbed Mario with his web and threw him backwards into the stage. It said "Game over" again, but I restarted the level. When I jumped onto the first "?" block, the controller stopped working. Then Mario throws his hat off, and talks about how tired he is of dying, and says that he will come after me. I was terrified now. Then, my NES resets. I put my cartridge back, and watched TV.

I turned on the news and the news lady says "A man has been killed by being jumped on." It sounded like that man was killed by Mario or something. I get a phone call right afterwards. I answer the phone, and I say "hello?" The answerer said "It's a me, Mario! Are you ready to die?" I was freaked out even more now. I hung up because I thought it was a prank call. Then, when I looked out my window, I saw a giant 8-bit Mario. He threw an 8 bit fireball at my house. It destroyed part of my house. The house rubble landed on me, and it really hurt. He thought I was crushed by the rubble and was dead but it just sprained my legs. I stayed under the rubble so Mario wouldn't see me. However there was an opening to the rubble, and I could see what Mario was doing. He was jumping on my neighbors, which crushed them, and threw fireballs at others which turned them into skeletons. After he killed my neighbors, he left my neighborhood.

So 2 weeks after this event, my legs mostly healed, and this massacre was on the news.

I will never play the original Super Mario Bros. again.



Author's note: in real life I will still play Super Mario Bros. forever and I have beaten world 1-1 and the entire game before.


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