The Swedish Sleep Experiment
Hey guys, I have a really scary story to share because it really happened to me (I was an intern at the Minnesota Vikings in Sweden.) and I need someone to share my innermost feelings to, because I have no friends. Anyway, it kind of happened like this.
It was the year 1066AD. Adolf Hitler had just conquered Sweden. He came over on ships from Germany and he was still very hungry, so he ate a lot of Swedish livestock and drew swastikas in the cornfields because he was an a-hole. Then he ate a couple packets of Swedish fish. Anyway, Hitler soon got bored and realized he had power, so he named himself King of Sweden (they still use a King to this very day.) and acted like a general dick to everyone. His first course of action was to gather 4 Swedish people in a bathroom and lock the bathroom up while they were kept awake for 168 hours (that = a week.) He would've made a reality show out of it, but those weren't popular yet, so he did it as some sort of Nazi experimental shit instead. Anyway, let me continue with my story please. Thank you. :)
End of Day 1 (24 HOURS LATER)
"Oh no, we are out of Swedish meatballs", person 1, aka Beowulf, said.
"I want more cheese curls", person #2, also known as Pedro, pouted to King Adolf.
"ZE QUIET VOU! VOU ARE ZE TEST SUBJECTS!", King Hitler pronounced. He pressed a buzzer and a loud buzzing noise was heard, like on a game show when you guess and you're wrong.
"I am now sick and will eat my own skin.", Beowulf responded to this stimuli. I was scared. This was definitely the creepiest thing ever written and deserved to be read by millions.
End of Day 2 (48 HOURS LATER)
Beowulf killed Pedro (highly realistic gore flew everywhere.) It turned out that Beowulf was diabetic and while his skin had sugars in them, he needed further sustenance. There was some heated Mountain Dew in the corner, but Beo refused to lower himself to the standard of drinking non-fridged (or iceboxed in this case!) sodas. Hitler took notes and made out with a fat viking opera singer.
End of Day 3 (72 HOURS LATER)
"IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT IN HERE!" said person #3, aka Leonard Skinnerd.
"ZEN TURN ON ZE AIR CONDITIONING!", Hitler howled.
"Oh, that's very funny. You should be on TBS. Because that's so very funny", Leonard sarcastically rebutted.
"I VILL CALL YOU ZE GEEK AND PUT YOU ON ZE TV SHOW, IN VICH PEOPLE VILL MAKE FUN OF VOU FOR MAKING ZE MATH JOKES!"
"Oh no", Lenny Skinny responded in despair. This made him eat his flesh and get really sick, because he already ate a lot of M&Ms before the experiment started.
End of Day 4 (96 HOURS LATER)
Beowulf ate the rest of Pedro, because he was hungry and human flesh tastes kind of like Swedish meatballs.
End of Day 5 (120 DAYS, I MEAN HOURS LATER)
"WHY DOES NO ONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" said person #4, aka Beiber.
"I VILL MAKE VOU ZE SINGER IF VOU EAT ZEE BEOVULF!", Hitler beckoned.
"Oh, okay.", Beiber casually agreed to. He ate Beowulf alive and gained his super powers like when Mega Man defeats a boss.
End of Day 6 (144 HOURS LATER)
"I am beginning to go crazy!", Leonard said. It was just him now, alone with Beiber. "Schrödinger's cat! Pythagorean theorem! This is as irrational as π!"
The sound of prerecorded laughter was heard, while Hitler ate a pie. The pie was made out of the opera singer he had sex with four nights before. I think. I have no idea, actually. But why not?
End of Day 7 (168 HOURS LATER)
"ZE EXPERIMENT IS NOW OVER!", Hitler proclaimed. Then he got drunk off of Strawberry Schnapps and sent me in and I examined Justin, I mean Beiber.
"Don't you remember me? I was in your nightmares!", Justin insisted.
I stabbed him with a Swedish army knife, because he didn't wipe his chin (it still had human flesh and blood and organ entrails on it, and that's just... unprofessional.) Highly realistic gore spewed everywhere. Then I went home and ate a pizza. It had Swedish fish on it. Also, I used my notebook from the experiment to create the Tempur-Pedic Swedish Sleep Mattress system. The mattresses were made out of human flesh. Also, I killed Hitler. Fucker deserved it. All hail me, the new King of Spain. ¡¡¡¡YO QUIERO TACO BELL!!!!
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