The Terrible Secret of Space

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In the year 2211, the USS Jean-Claude van Damme became the first manned spaceship to travel beyond the solar system. Its 5 year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out weird lifeforms, and blast them. The merest description of the horrors encountered by this daughty crew would drive you to a gibbering insanity from which you would never recover. Nevertheless, a few of the lesser horrors can be safely relayed.

Their first stop was Alpha Centauri. There they discovered that what orbited the star was not planets, as previously thought. It was actually gigantic, severed heads! Then some stuff happened that's way to awful to mention, until finally they came to a black hole. As they observed the black hole, they saw an enormous eye appear and stare back at them! Then black tentacles reached and grabbed at them. Against all known laws of physics, the creature emerged and chased after them as they fled. Their panicked flight caused them to crash land on a planet inhabited by spooky space skeletons! There, under the baleful light of evil twin moons, the surviving crew went insane from all the horror and killed each other. Nobody ever left Earth again, and ever after the solar system was ringed with giant space lasers pointing outward into the evil black void of space.


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