The Thing

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Hello there, Mr. Rogers here to tell you about the THING I found in the basement garage of my shady looking neighbor, we'll call him Paul. Paul had just lost his wife about a month ago and has been acting rather sus. First, I saw him digging in the middle of the night as I was taking my too-damn-curious-for-his-own-good dog out for a walk. Let me tell you something about courage, he was my favorite dog. I've had him since I was in my mother's womb, and just love him so much.

He died a week ago. The same week he walked up to my neighbor, Paul, as he was digging up in his yard at 3 o' clock in the morning. I didn't really think much of it until that Monday. I came over to borrow a cup of sugar, and found it. My Dog's collar. The one I bought him about three years ago when he was busy outgrowing his. I knew that generic dog collar anywhere.

I confronted my neighbor about it, and he just mumbled something about how he just got a new dog. But when I asked to see her, he said no and slammed the door in my face. I then called the cops who, in return accused me of being on drugs, threatened to beat my ass, and hung up. I mean, I WAS on heroin, but that was just RUDE.

That night I decided, against any and all sound, as well as logical reasoning I had, I did something even the Scooby gang would refuse to do. I snuck into his house while he was still there, to find some evidence I could show those bastards at the police academy the next morning.

I thought I was being quiet, but my loud barking woke him up. Oh man, it was worse than I imagined, he was a furry for goodness sake!!!! He shot me right in the head, but it bounced off because my head is completely empty.

Do he called the fucking cops, who immediately arrested me and took turns tazing me. Oh, not because I was resisting arrest, no, they were just having fun.

When I got to jail I had found out, That I didn't even have a dog. The dog was just in my imagination. Also I was sentenced to twenty five years in prison for: Assault, Public urination, Death threats, Minor intoxication, Break ins, Thefts, Loud disturbance, Being on meth the whole time, oh, and trying to fuck my neighbor's dog, Pepper. Also for wasting police time both calling them for absolutely nothing, as well as the time it took zapping me in the nads for the thousandth time.



Credited to NicolePlaugh 

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