The Trebor Mint Intrigue
Author's note: This story is a funnypasta and is therefore not intended to be taken seriously. With that being said, I hope you enjoy and please make sure to leave your thoughts and feelings in the comment section down below.
So, let me ask you a question, and take as long as you need to answer it. Have you been at work one day, and just craved a snack. Nothing major but perhaps just a little mint snack. Then the chances probably are that you've more than likely indulged yourself on the occasional Trebor Mint. However, the question remains which Trebor variation did you pick? I'm guessing you went with soft mint, so what if I told you that there was actually a point in our grand history that soft mints were almost eradicated off the face of Earth? Completely impossible right? Well let me tell you a story.
It all started on a quiet night in early 2015. A father was drinking a glass of whiskey and watching the snooker game when his son Edgar Bathtub came in and began speaking with, "Dad you know that we're an extra strong mint family?" "Ah yes the very best in the world son!" The father proclaimed happliy for his father and grandfather had both been staunch followers of the Extra Strong Mint regime. Edgar cleared his throat before saying, "but what if there were other mints... that were chewy?" "Chewy?" The father asked in a voice as cold as ice and he broke the glass of whiskey into a million bite size pieces. The young Edgar then pulled up a pack of soft mints and proclaimed, "Dad I love soft mints, and they love me back in the way Extra Strong Mints never could!" The father turned around and screamed, "noooooooooooo!" That same evening, Edgar Bathtub left home, and left Fordham University to get a job in a shipping company down in New Bordeaux.
The father whose name was Mint Lint was a bizarre man to say the very least. For one thing, his head was an extra strong mint. Yep it wasn't shaped like one, no he had a fucking mint for a head. One time, he was nearly killed after some gangsters tried to get a bite out of his head. They nearly killed him, but Luca Brasi went after them. The story goes that Luca killed six men in two weeks until Mint Lint made a public apology. In spite of this incident, Mint Lint was a respected member of the community, and was a Made member of the Mint Crime Syndicate; a crime syndicate which controlled the entire mint trade. The Syndicate was split into several factions one for each brand of mint, for there was the Tic Tac Regime, the Mint Imperial Regime, and by the most powerful was the Trebor Regime which of course the one Mint Lint was a member of. Yet despite his mint shaped head and ironic name, Mint was held in contempt by the others in the Syndicate. For the word of Mint's son's love for soft mints had sent shockwaves through the nation, and the Syndicate had decided that they would not tolerate it.
One week after Edgar's confession, Mint Lint was summoned to a private conference with the Syndicate at their warehouse up in Harlow. The head of the Syndicate was a man named Martin Stone. Martin Stone had grown up poor in Empire Bay, and during his younger days rolled barrels down on the docks with his father. However, in the 1970's, the young Martin Stone was asked by the head of the docks to look after a crate full of premium extra strong mints which had been stolen from a local factory. However, Martin Stone upon trying one of the minty treats decided that this could be his chance of making some big bucks. He stole the crate, and took them with him to the airport where he caught a plane to London. In London, he purchased a warehouse in Harlow, and over the years, became known as the Santa Clause of the mints. He was a fearsome man who always charged supermarkets extra for selling his mints. He controlled the mint trade like a mad man, and was aided in his affairs by his right-hand man Stenk. Yes that's seriously his name. How pathetic. The reason for the Syndicate's utter distain for soft mints was because Martin viewed them to be ungodly unmint like. He viewed them in the same contempt that elderly couples once viewed a rat with no nose. He had been the one to make the decision of firing Mint Lint. However, once it became clear that Mint would not take his firing graciously, Martin put a hit out on him.
Stenk was ordered to carry out the hit, and tailed Mint back to his house in Kensington: the royal borough up top. Stenk was a short man who had ran with Luca Brasi and his gang many moons ago in the slums of London. He managed to break into the house only to learn that he had been dubbed as Mint Lint had gone on the run. Earlier that day after the meeting at the warehouse had concluded, Mint Lint had received a phone call from his two best friends in the whole world: Jom Tanks and Richard Costello. The trio had grown up together and each shared an equal love for mints. The pair warned Mint about the hit, and offered to meet with him at the London Underground. Arriving at the Underground, Mint discussed what his next course of action should be. "I have an idea." Jom Tanks said before continuing with, "perhaps if we cure your son's love for soft mints this entire thing could be sorted out." "But how?" Mint asked like some kind of Mr Krabs as Jom Tanks began to explain things as the trio made their way onto the tube.
Jom Hanks explained to Mint Lint that there is a mountain just outside Greendale which would sort out his problem. The mountain was known by the public as the Mountain Of Fount. This so called great mountain was said to have the power to grand anyone's wish as long as it related to mints that is. So, Mint could use this magical mountain to wish for his son's love for soft mints to be cured. Granted, Mint did not have the same bias viewpoint of soft mints that Martin Stone had, but he couldn't help but feel the slightest contempt when it came to them. In order for the wish to come true, you must meet the man who owns the mountain. The man who makes dreams come and nightmares become smelly. That man was none other than Stephen Fry. Stephen Fry was a man whose great talent it was said was that he could grant any wish as long as it related to mints in some way. He could turn a cat into a mint imperial and could turn a Tesco store into a mint manufacturing plant. However, there was just one catch. You only get one wish in your entire life, and it is best to use it wisely. It was also said that Stephen Fry was a good friend of the head of the Kwik-E-Mart. I just have one very important question though. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Arriving in Oakton City, the trio of Mint, Jom, and Richard Costello made their way towards a local cafe in order to ask for some directions. However, they were held in contempt by the owner of the cafe who said, "ay are you three dumb or something? I dunno shit about it." The owner was then shot in the head by Costello. The trio were dismayed to then learn that Stenk was at the same cafe drinking from a cup of tea. Upon noticing them, Stenk smiled an evil grin as he said, "some people are going to die on this fine day." He truly was an evil bastard that Stenk for he had once drowned his toe in the river. Now that is one sick duck am I right? The trio ran out of the cafe, and by taking some clever shortcuts were eventually able to get pass Stenk, and made their way onto another train which was slated for Greendale. They sat down in a seemingly carriage as Richard Costello began to explain the plan: "Right gentlemen when we get to Greendale, just let me do all the talking. Its a very dangerous place, and we need to move fast."
The train ride to Greendale was not a very pleasant one. Richard Costello just couldn't sit still, and spent the entire ride playing Shrek 2 on Gameboy. "SMEG HEAD!" Costello proclaimed in the most obnoxious voice you'd ever hear. Suddenly, Mint who had been trying his best to get some sleep noticed that Stenk was on the outside of the train glaring in. He had stowed away on the top of the train, and had climbed his way down to the window in order to kill Mint Lint. He aimed his gun directly at the window. However before the dreaded shot could come, Stenk ended up getting hit by a railway station sign killing him instantly. He had always been deathly allergic to railway signs, and perhaps it had something to do with his diet. With Stenk dead, Mint felt more relaxed, and settled back into his chair for a nap only to then realise that they were finally in Greendale. "Let's get some butter." Richard Costello joked as the three men made their way out of the carriage. You may not know this but Costello is an incredibly dangerous and blood thirsty man. He had to be kept under the upmost caution, and this was the real reason why he had not been allowed to become a full member of The Mint Syndicate. It was also due to the fact that Costello once threw a pack of extra strong mints into a furnace. Well that's certainly not cunning is it dear?
In Greendale, Mint and his cohorts explored the town, and made their way towards a large field which was said to be just north of the Mountain of Fount. On the field, they were intercepted by Ted Glen who owned a small workshop there. "Come with me and have some Glennie sandwiches." Ted Glen said in a rather evil voice. Having nothing better to do, the three made their way inside the workshop, and helped themselves to some of Ted Glen's patterned Glennie sandwiches: old family recipe! While eating the sandwiches, Ted Glen spoke up, "if I may ask what exactly are you three doing in Greendale?" "We're looking for the Mountain of Fount." Richard spoke up as he took a massive bite out a sandwich. The sandwiches were horrible as Ted Glen mixed them with flour and acid peas. Ever had an acid pea? Trust me you don't want to for they taste like ass. Ted Glen shot the three men an iconic grin as he said, "the Mountain of Fount? Forgive me, but you three have made a great mistake in coming here." "How so?" Mint asked. "The mountain you seek is not located in Greendale." Ted Glen explained before continuing with, "it's located in China." "China more like din her ha ha right gang?" Costello joked while nudging Jom Tanks incredibly hard in the stomach which caused him to start vomiting out his intestines. So, like I said earlier, Costello needed to be kept under constant watch. Will you help?
Ted Glen got up from the armchair he had been sitting on, and went inside a small storage cupboard on the far side of the room. When he returned he was carrying a large map. He slammed the map down onto the table, and began to unravel it. The map was so big that it went all the way from Greendale back to Oakton City. "You see: the Mountain is located in rural China. Only problem is... they don't let anyone go near the Mountain these days." Ted Glen explained as Mint asked, "how come? Does it have something to do with a bowtie in Boston?" "What a dumb fucking question." Ted Glen mocked. Richard Costello and Jom both smiled patronisingly at Mint Lint who began eating some of his own head because he was a cannibal after all. The reason behind the sudden rise in security measures was because the baron of China wanted the Mountain all to himself, but will the bad guys let him do it? "Now to get around security, you'll need to go through the Village of Rain, and up past the Gassy Kassam." Ted explained and pointed at all the points of interest on the map. Also, after he was done explaining this, Ted pulled an incredibly sinister face, but the trio though nothing of it. "Now if you boys like I could give a flight to China in my private jet." Ted Glen suggested, and Mint agreed happliy but Richard pulled an incredibly suspicious face. And so, Mint and the others made their way out onto the field while Ted Glen made a phone call. A phone call which ruined his chances of becoming a mainstay funnypasta character. He called Martin Stone.
At Martin Stone's offices up in Central London, Martin Stone had tried calling Stenk all day. "Maybe he's shacked up." Stone's PA suggested to which Stone yelled, "don't be stupid ya little fecker! Stenk never sleeps over with a broad he always goes home when he's through." He then received the phone call from Ted Glen who explained the trio's plan to use the powers of the Mountain of Fount to cure Edgar Bathtub's love for soft mints. "Kill them all." Martin said curtly as he hung up the phone before Ted Glen could even say goodbye. Martin turned to face his PA, and grabbed him by the collar as he yelled, "we can't allow these three feckers to get to the Mountain. We have to kill them. To the Stonemobiles!" Meanwhile, back in Greendale, Mint and his friends waited eagerly to be picked up by Ted Glen in his private jet which claimed to have been a gift by his aunt. "Man got some money from my aunt." Ted said as he started the plane up, and the smelly trio made their way onto it. The take off was very well done as Ted was an excellent pilot.
During the flight, Jom shifted violently in his seat which Mint took notice of. "Hey what's the matter buddy?" Mint asked. "Oh nothing. Just a little scared of flying that's all." Jom explained as the inflight movie came on which was none other than Cats Vs. Dogs. The flight was long and very warm and uncomfortable. It also didn't help that Richard Costello kept laughing hysterically at every damn joke in the movie. Granted, it was rather humorous the first couple times he did, but it got old really damn fast. Several hours later, Mint woke up from a much needed nap, and looked out from his window to see that the plane was now flying above some Chinese mountains. Richard Costello and Jom were now both also fast asleep, and so, Mint needing to stretch his minty legs got up from his seat and made his way up to the captain's quarters only to see Ted Glen getting ready to jump out of the plane. He was wearing a parachute and said, "see ya around suckers!" He then opened up the plane door, and leaped out only to then get hit by another plane which just so happened to be passing by. You may think that killed him, but sadly not, Ted Glen re-appeared in Greendale two months later alive and well, and opened up his own pizzeria sponsored by the Barzini's. Realising the danger they were in, Mint woke up Costello and Tanks as they all proceeded to jump out of the plane. They rationalised that by focusing on their toe they would be able to survive the crush. They actually managed to survive because the plane was so close to the ground that they were not harmed by the fall. However, because luck isn't on their side, they ended up getting swept up in a massive avalanche, and crashed all the way towards the Village of Rain.
The Village of Rain was a small village in the snowy outskirts of China which got it's name from the fact that the great Globox lord of the rain resides in the village. Globox was said to have the power to make it rain just by doing a special dance. A dance which in retrospect seemed rather offensive to the Shrek fans, but to many others out there seemed like a dream come true. In the village, Mint and his friends discovered the residents to be unusually homely, and they were given some food and shelter by Globox who had made himself the village chief. After hearing the men's story, Globox explained that he would help the pair just as long as they helped send a letter to Santa Clause. Although, Mint and Jom wanted to get to the Mountain as quickly as possible, Richard being such a fucking tool agreed to do the job as the trio were promised $50,000 if they were able to pull the job off successfully. The post office was only two minutes up the road from Globox's house, which begs the question why didn't he just send the letter himself. Now, only Mint and Costello would be taking the letter to the post office as Jom was busy writing emails to his sour wife. So disrespectful.
The journey to the post office ended up taking the pair around six hours to complete because they were ambushed by gunmen hired by Martin Stone. However, Costello managed to restrain the two gunmen, and hacked them to death. Costello was an extremely powerful man but it took him many swings to achieve his purpose. After finally reaching the post office, the pair were dismayed to learn that it was ran by none other than Old Lady Geller. They were wary of Old Lady Geller who once turned an innocent factory worker into a bear. She then left that bear to die in the woods, but thankfully the bear was adopted by the security guard of a local mental hospital. She was very friendly to most people, but she had ties to the Morello Family from Lost Heaven having gone to school with Sergio Morello Jr. After handing Gellers the letters, Costello was grabbed by the collar and pulled up to her old wrinkly face. "I know what you're up to!" Old Lady Geller barked harshly as Costello held up some mint chewing gum as he joked, "how about a mint?" The pair then quickly made their way out of the post office before they had to deal with Old Lady Geller's wrath. Returning to Globox's house, Globox was so overcome with emotion that he actually bean tearing up. It wasn't fake tears either... he was really tearing up. So, Globox then ordered the three men to follow him. For it was time to put the odds in their favour.
Globox owned a massive limousine which he used to drive the group to the Gassy Kassam. Before heading inside the Kassam, Globox instructed Mint and his friends to wear gas masks however there were only three in the bag meaning that Richard Costello would most likely die from the toxic chemicals present in the air. However, he could somehow breathe just fine and in fact actually lead the trek through the Gassy Kassam. The Kassam was full of green mist, and smelt awful. It legit smelt like rotten meat and fishy tacos that were not cooked quite right. However, on their travels they learned that they would have to pay a toll collector in order to enter the Depths Of Smells. "Tickets please." The old toll collector said who sat in a small kiosk drinking from a mug of coffee. I should also mention that the toll collector was a fat fucking slug who wore glasses due to an incident up in Owl Creek. "Ah well you see: we don't actually have any tickets so...." Jom Tanks was cut off as the slug toll collector pulled out a shotgun and proclaimed, "@gadgatron!" Thinking quickly, Mint pulled out a massive salt shaker from his pocket, and threw the salty contents onto the slug causing him to melt. "Oh I said no salt!" The collector cried but it was too late for he melted onto the smelly floor never to be seen again as quickly and as declitley as a candle goes out.
The group then advanced onward through the Depth Of Smells, and were forced to use an old elevator from the 1930's to get across the Kassam and onto the other side which lead to the Mountain of Fount. However, this is when Globox decided to depart from the team as he was secretly paid by Martin Stone to kill the trio. "Goodbye suckers!" Globox proclaimed evilly as he stole the men's gas masks before flying all the way back to the Village of Rain. Yes Globox could fly, and for some reason he never bothered to use that power earlier. The trio quickly began succumbing to the toxic smells in the air, and Mint's mint head began to melt as Richard Costello began pushing with all his might the elevator all the way towards the other side. "What's rule number one!" Richard laughed as the group eventually managed to reach the other side which is where their adventure would really begin. Before heading on, Richard made a quick phone call. Back in the Village of Rain, Globox was paid a visit by a local hitman who ended up burning the entire village to the ground. Though Globox managed to survive, and went on the run to the Fairy Council up in Greentown. Perhaps this could be his chance to start anew.
The Mountain of Fount was now in clear view, and it wasn't even a mountain. It was just a hill. Well actually it wasn't even a big hill it was the size of a jelly bean. JELLY BEAN! There was a small wooden sign decorated with Christmas lights which read, "welcome to the Mountain of Fount. One wish per person." So, the group made their way past the sign and saw that Stephen Fry was sitting at a small glass table drinking from a cup of tea. He looked at the three and smiled a smug grin as he asked, "can I help you boys?" "Yes Sir we need....." Richard Costello was cut off as a brick was thrown at his head. Mint and Jom turned around to see that none other than Martin Stone had shown up accompanied by Globox and Ted Glen. He was also accompanied by a large group of mobsters armed to the teeth with incredibly powerful weapons ranging from AK47's to grenade launchers. "This thing has gone far enough Mint." Martin said before continuing with, "you killed Stenk and have made a mockery of my entire Syndicate!" Mint went to go say something but Martin cut him off with, "I never liked you Mint. I always thought you were a stupid little toe rag." Thinking quickly, Mint turned around to face Stephen Fry who was still smirking and made his wish. However, nothing happened. "Why is nothing happening?" Mint asked confused to which Stephen Fry responded with, "oh don't you see Mint the power of love was inside of you all along." "Well that's a bunch of bullshit." Richard Costello remarked who had was rubbing his head so much that it made Martin Stone gag violently as he yelled, "Stephen Fry you stupid basket case kill these feckers!"
Suddenly, Stephen Fry got up from his wooden deck chair, and began to become taller and taller. He rose to be about 5000 feet tall, and ended up stomping on Martin Stone's backup killing them all instantly. Martin Stone however managed to flee into the Kassam accompanied by Globox and Ted Glen. Stephen Fry then raised his massive shoe into the air in order to stomp on Mint who asked rather nonchalantly, "why are you doing this matey boy?" "I dunno sport I guess." Stephen Fry explained as he stomped onto Jom Tanks. However, Jom didn't die and somehow managed to push Stephen Fry's shoe up into the air as he too began to rise into the air. Jom rose to be an astonishing 9000 feet tall only for Stephen Fry to then rise to become the same height. The two men then began having an epic fight. Jom tried his best to tackle Stephen Fry to the ground, but he was just too strong for him. Meanwhile, Mint and Richard Costello made their way up a nearby hill which was ironically more of a mountain than the actual Mountain of Fount. They learned that Martin Stone and his friends had hidden up there too. Despite their immense hatred for each other, Mint and Stone agreed to help each other out to kill Stephen Fry. Stephen Fry meanwhile was clearly having the upper-hand in his battle against Jom Tanks despite the two now being the same size. That's when Mint got an idea. An awfully wicked idea which made Mint smirk a wickedly wicked smirk. "What are you smirking about ya wee bastard?" Martin asked while firing shotgun bullets at Stephen Fry which of course had no effect. "I may not have a brain gentlemen but I have an idea." Mint remarked while pulling the smuggest face you'd ever see which caused both Martin Stone and Richard Costello to look at Mint with incredibly disgusted faces.
Mint reached inside his trouser pocket, and pulled out a small Snickers bar. "Jom!" Mint cried at the very top of his lungs. Jom turned around to face him and asked, "what?" "You're not you when you're hungry!" Mint proclaimed happliy as he threw the Snickers bar right at Jom who managed to catch it in the nick of time. He unwrapped the delicious nutty chocolate bar and remarked, "now this does put a smile on my face!" He ate the Snickers, and then rose to be another 9000 feet tall. Stephen Fry looked on terrified as Jom rolled Stephen into a ball. He then proceeded to throw Stephen with so much force that he ended up flying all the way back to London. "We'll meet again Spider-Man!" Stephen Fry could be heard saying as he disappeared from Mint's sight. Meanwhile, Jom returned to his normal size as he said, "ah." "Better?" Richard asked. "Better." Jom answered as he let out a big ole fart which sent Globox flying all the way back to the Fairy Council and Ted Glen to fly all the way back to Greendale. Meanwhile, Mint grabbed Martin Stone by the neck and proceeded to dangle him over the cliff. "Let me go let me go please! I'll make you my new right-hand man, I'll give $50,000 just please let me go!" Martin Stone pleaded as Mint said, "well okay!" "Wait no! I didn't mean...." But it was too late for Martin Stone was dropped and fell towards the cold hard ground. He didn't die however instead he was adopted by the dumbest gorilla you'd ever see. The gorilla took Martin Stone with her to the jungle. It was finally Martin Stone's turn to earn his redemption.
The trio of Mint, Costello, and Tanks headed to the airport and took the first plane back to London where they were pleased to discover that Mint's son Edgar was now working in a casino up in Las Venturas. Also, Edgar had now lost his love for soft mints and now had a love for chewits. "Chewits." Mint said once again in a voice as cold as ice. He then sank to his knees as he yelled, "nooooooooooooooooo!" "Hey Mint how about some chips?" Costello suggested as Mint said inbetween heavy sobs, "Dick that's just what I needed."
It all worked out well in the end. Mint ended up taking control of The Mint Crime Syndicate with Martin Stone and Stenk gone, Richard Costello finally got married and bought himself an Xbox, Edgar Bathtub bought his own casino and became known as the Santa Clause of Las Venturas, and Jom Tanks opened up his own very successful book shop down in Empire Bay. Time did indeed help heal all the old wounds with Edgar learning to forget about chewits in favour of a new found respect and love for extra strong mints. That reminds me there wasn't much in this story about Trebor Mints was there dear? Oh be quiet we learned a lot about China I guess. I actually don't really know what kind of moral this story was meant to convey, but I think that we can all agree that perhaps the message lied in the fish. Pure poetry.
So you there have it: that's the lengths someone will go to in order to make sure that everyone in their family loves Trebor Mints. Now, I for one prefer soft mints, but I feel as though it would be unwise to question the wise teachings of Mint Lint and his friends. After all I am not a roast potato. So, the next time you buy a pack of soft mints why don't you do yourself a favour by buying a pack of extra strong mints instead? You never know they may end up improving your smelly life in more ways than one.
Credited to Bruno Tattagllia
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