The Truth about Ashens

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED GUISE I SWEAR, I BARELY ESCAPED THE GRASP OF ASHENS

I met Stuart Ashen at a grocery store about 2 weeks ago. I walked up to him and said "Uhhh... hello, Mr. Ashen," upon which he started staring at me, in evident disgust. "What did you call me?" Ashens responded. "Uhh... Mr. Ashen?" I replied. "You know my name is Dr. Ashen, right? I didn't get this psychology degree for nothing." Ashens said, his voice growing deep and his eyes showing the chaos of his psyche. "I know, I just thought it was inappropriate to call you that outside of a medical sett-" I replied, as Ashens interrupted me screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? MONEY? SEX?"

Ashens punched me in the face, and I fell unconscious. As I was slipping away from consciousness, I can just barely see that Ashens is eating a security guard whole. I surmise he came to alleviate the situation. Guess the dude was hungry.

Hours later, I woke up at a hospital. "God damn it," I said to myself. "When the fuck did I wind up here?" and from the corner of my eye I see him, Ashens in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck. "Hehehe, how's this for a medical setting?" he says in his trademark British accent, smiling at me. "Why don't I show you around?"

I got up, and to my dismay, every single doctor on board is just a clone of Ashens. He shows me to a board, where the names of everyone in the ward are written. In the eight spaces available, seven have "Stuart Ashen" written on them, and the last has my name. Ashens erases it, replacing it with Stuart Ashen. At that moment, I knew what was going on. Opening the window, all I see is a vast expanse of desert beneath a red sky, and realize I'm on a different planet.

He then showed me to his recording area, his brown sofa. "I didn't know Ashens recorded his videos in a hospital!" I thought. Ashen then led me back to my room, presenting me with a half-eaten Hunger Breaks can. "Eat up!" Ashens says, in delight. I chose not to eat it, after which he ties me to a table, and force feeds me the entire can, alongside some benzodiazepines. I fall asleep right there, and awaken in a strange room, tied to a chair.

Ashens enters line of sight, with a strange machine. "Ahahahahaha, behold the Ashensizer!" he says. "You're not turning me into a clone today, Mr. Ass-Shins." I reply, breaking from the chair and beating the shit out of him. I notice a teleporter close by, and return to Earth.

Ashens is still out there, so please avoid him whenever possible, or he WILL turn you into a clone. God bless. *kisses*

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