The Uncalled For Return of Jack Reacheround
|
NSFW WARNING
This page is not safe for work or school. The content of this story is not suitable for some audiences, and may be inappropriate to view in some situations. |
Few of you probably remember the tragic tale of Jack Reacher's reacharounds, which I had thought laid to rest, but recent events have forced me to return to this matter.
I had lived well these last two years, anxiously waiting to see what Amazon would make of my script/child, so I reactivated my Prime membership to take a look. No sooner had I done so than I felt a mighty hand seize my crotch.
I knew what I would see before I saw it, but nonetheless I must describe it for you. Alan Ritchson had hold of my genitals in his powerful fist, just as his father would have wanted.
"Son... I love you..." I gasped.
But something was amiss.
This was Alan Ritchson, not Jack Reacher Jr. He had failed to assume the mantle of his father. And what's more, I had come to realise that he wasn't giving me a reach around at all. The bastard was crushing my fucking balls.
"Why?" I just had time to gasp before my testicles and penis popped into red mulch in the same moment. He just smirked at me, rubbing the paste that had once been my manhood over his face like woad, and then left without looking back. I sobbed, feeling a failure as a parent.
Soon I pulled myself back together, and used Amazon customer support to complain and leave a 1 star rating for my experience. This was enough to get Bezos to address my concerns personally.
"Jeff... I trusted you with my own flesh and blood. Jack Reacher's final masterpiece..."
Bezos threw back his head and laughed, and then high fived someone off screen. When they leaned forward I saw who it was, and my jaw hung slack.
It was Andrew Child, butcher of the novels according to all the Reacher fans I knew.
"That's fuckin right." said Bezos. "My species have planned the destruction of yours, starting by eradicating the ability of men comfortable enough with their sexuality to give each other reach arounds to breed. This, combined with the upcoming retirement of Lee Child and Andrew's replacement of the series with increasingly lackluster novels, and whatever the fuck I'm going to do to the Tolkien will spell the downfall of your civilization, and we're taking over."
"You won't get away with this Bezos! Not as long as Tom Cruise's teeth still shine with the Light of Xenu and the Two Trees of Valinor!"
But to be honest he probably would, for most of my ideas for continuing the story from here were uninspiring.
Credited to scannerofcrap
| Comments • 0 |
Loading comments...
|
