The Worst Protagonist Ever

I love Mario. I can't stop talking about him, I have all of his games (except the one in this post), and my bedroom is covered from head to toe in Mario.

But I don't want to think about Mario after the experience I had... which is why I'm posting about him.

I once went to this store I heard about on the internet. I knew it was abandoned, but I walked in anyway. It was all creepy and stuff, there was a lot of blood on the ceiling, spiders everywhere, and the floor was wet with water that had leaked in. I ignored all this (yet I somehow remember it) because I just noticed a copy of Super Mario 3D World, for Wii U, on one of the shelves (the shelf was on fire BTW, but who cares?)!

As soon as I got home I opened the box to find a swarm of bats erupting from it. I didn't care and stared at the disc in awe. It was wet, held together using sellotape (it had been snapped in two) and had been bitten by rats, but it worked!

When the title screen showed up, it had a blood-red sky, and there was hyper-realistic blood everywhere, especially on Mario. Mario went up to the front of the TV and yelled "LEAVE NOW, GO!!!" before dying in a pool of extremely disturbing blood. Obviously this was a glitch, so I moved on.

The game should've been rated M. So much blood, so much gore, intestines got ripped out and brains flew into hyper-realistic lava. I'd seen the trailers, and they were nothing like this.

But then I saw something very, very horrifying...

THE GOAL POLE WAS ONE SHADE OF BLACK LIGHTER THAN IT SHOULD'VE BEEN!

That.

was.

it.

Mario is ruined forever.

この記事の著者は、今死んでいます。彼は頭の中で自分自身を撮影したが、彼は叫んだていたではない前に、彼を聞くことができるすべての人に、「次はあなたの番です」 。

それはあなたが含まれています。彼はあなたの親友でした。

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