The robot that was just one arm on some tracks
The room was dark and poorly lit, but the robot could see in the dark. Little mice ran around the cobwebby room as different containers gurgled and bubbled. On the other side of the damp wall the air was bright and cheery, and a man was pressing a red button above a pizza sized slot. "One large pizza with cherry tomatoes and basil please."" the man said
A little screen on the wall flashed a smiley face with a big thumbs up and a buzzer rang.
"Mmmmh piz." a the man said, patting his eager tummy.
Inside, the robot arm whirred to life and got straight to work. It smacked the ball of dough on the potters wheel type device and spun it into a disc. It ladled the steaming sauce and poured it in the most perfect spiral. The sauce filled in the voids to create a mathematically constant height as the robot shredded fresh cheese. Spinning the block against the grater, the robot covered the bald pizza in no time at all. Next was the basil, elegantly plucked by the robot from the purple grow box. Gentler than your grams threading a needle. Gentler than that little random feather floating through the air.
And the robot did a kinda dance throughout all this work, like painting a picture or playing a one man band.
Next were the cherry tomatoes. The robot reached into the grow box and paused, and started shifting around some more like it was looking for something in a dumpster, and felt around and then came out with nothing. The robot went back into the middle of the kitchen and didn't know what to do. It kinda poked around at the end of the ladle. And suddenly became interested in the cobwebs in the corner. And started writing an apology to the customer with a piece of charcoal and a pizza box. And messed around with making little balls of cheese and coloring them with the tomato sauce.
But none of this worked. The robot had certain parameters for a tomato was, and it never made a mistake before. Suddenly the customer started yelling through the pizza slot, startling the robot.
"Where is my pizza! I'm hungy!" the man shouted
The man looked through the pizza slot which he had never done before. The robot looked through the pizza slot too, and as gracefully as nose hair tweezers picking up a dandelion, the robot plucked out the mans eyes. Blood spurted through the slot and the man shrieked and looked at the blood on his hands and fainted.
The pizza robot carefully placed the eyeballs on the pizza, and put the pizza in the oven like it was playing jazz.
At just the right moment, when the dough was at perfect moisture content and the cheese was the right viscosity, the robot effortlessly packaged the pizza and slid the box through the slot.
The man sprawled unconscious on the sidewalk with the pizza laying warmly on his head. This is when the grackles came down and feasted upon the delicious meal. One peculiar bird, with only one feather atop his head, placed the mans tomatoes back into his head.
When the man awoke he could not see anything, and could not remember anything. He just knew he was covered in pizza and that his eyes were fucked up. The man stumbled down the street, covered in grackle shit and blood. And all the kids screamed when he passed by, and ran as fast as they could, tripping everywhere all over the sidewalk. On roots, on extension cords, on cracks, And many mothers broke their backs.
Credited to kbanbury
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