Things in the Woods Being Fucked Up

Hi. I know the woods quite intimately if I do say so myself. I've even fucked a tree. Tenderly and with respect of course. It was a redwood if I remembered correctly (those things live to be like 100 years old so it's totally kosher.) Anyway, that's not important, what is is that I fucking know the woods like the back of my goddamn hand. Especially the woods near my house, they're like a friend to me. But like, the awkward friend, that you can't really talk about private issues. You know that kinda friend. The one where you make a private twitter and they follow request and you deny it? yeah.

SO ANYWAY, I've been in the woods since before I was born. My mother used to go hunting with my father even when she was pregnant and in fact, I was born on one of the hunting trips. As a young child, all I could fall asleep to were the sounds of nature. such as cicadas, and mountain lions wailing into the night. I got my first gun when I was 7 months old. (and ya see, that's allowed cause I live in America.)

One day, on one of my regular nature walks that I've done 5 times a day since I was a day old. (My mom would hold baby me, and walk through the forest.) on this specific nature walk, I noticed something odd. The forest was entirely quiet. There were no pelicans honking, or spiders making...whatever sounds spider make. It was completely silent and it shook me to the double pistols in my shoes. and then I heard this weird keening. It sounded like a child. BUT WORSE. It was like the sounds of a very intelligent swarm of bees would imitate a babies cry. and to be honest, it might've just been actual bees.

I walked around to where the sound was coming from, because i am a smart person, who investigates shit. and what i saw would scar me for the rest of my life.

When I saw it's silhouette I thought it was a human child but then it took a step and it just seemed wrong. Just wrong and I'm not gonna elaborate fuck you. When I took a step closer i saw its skin was grayish and it was covered in green veins. Horrible mixtures of plant and animal sprouted from its back. It looked to be about 5 years old.

And then I realized. It was MY child. Birthed from the beautiful redwood tree lady that i had frickle-frackled 5 years before. This was my child. My greatest Sin. I will be judged before god for this. for the monster I have created. for the monster i have become.

The cruel abortion of nature turned its head towards me and opened it's gaping maw. It's breath smelled pine tree fresh to be honest. It was kinda weird and not what I was expecting. And in the worst most horrid voice I had ever heard, it uttered one word.

"FaThEr"

I'm not ashamed to admit that I turned tail and ran back to my house immediately. I called my local orphanage, and said that there was a child in the woods that I have no idea how they got there (i'm not gonna tell the orphanage that i fucked a redwood. Even if it was a beautiful and RESPECTFUL night of passion. That i would definitely repeat again but this time maybe wearing a condom.)

And anyway, the moral of this story kids, is that if you're gonna put your dick in a tree, please wear protection. This has been a Yellowstone National Park PSA. Thank you for reading.

Comments • 0

Loading comments...