Toy Story: The Eighth One
Before I begin, if you haven't heard the previous stories about the horrifying Toy Story Ü movies, go do that, because otherwise this won't make a damn bit of sense.
Now,
Let's be honest, are you surprised? I mean, this was bound to happen at some point, right?
Well you know what, fuck you, because no, it wasn't, and you SHOULD be surprised. You should be very fucking surprised to learn that guess FUCKING what, this whole mess actually IS Pixar's fault.
Remember when I found out that Toy Story Ü was actually made by a group of former Pixar employees that just wanted to fuck with the company? Well that's a bunch of bullshit, because I just got an email from Pixar themselves.
Turns out, I've been digging into shit Pixar doesn't want me writing about. They've been trying to spin cover stories and get me off the case, because they, yes, the whole company, created Toy Story Ü for some fuckin' reason.
So, this is where I'm going to break my agreement with these assholes. You see, Pixar e-mailed me an offer: if I'd delete my previous accounts of Toy Story Ü, they'd let me see Toy Story Ü 4, which yes, that exists, because of course it fucking does.
I'm pretty sure whatever industry bullshit is going on goes higher up than just Pixar. Which Disney head honcho decided to have the Toy Story Ü movies made?
Well guess what, Pixar. I'm going to publish this entire story right here, and I am going to tell everyone what happens in Toy Story Ü 4, so fuck Ü. This is it, the end of Toy Story Ü.
The movie opened on Woody in a dark, disgusting hotel room with fuckin' cockroaches crawling around everywhere. Damn, the fuck was this, the Motel 9 in Elyria, Ohio?
Woody sighed. "Is this the best Ü can do partner? This cheap-ass, fuck-ass, wank-ass hotel?" said Woody as he flushed a fucking discarded crack needle down the toilet.
We see Woody leave the room, SLAM the door, and go complain to the fucking stoner guy running the whole place.
"Hey dude, you need something?" said the dude at the counter, before Woody pulled out a motherfucking Panzerfaust 3 and blew him to pieces like a fucking RoboCop movie.
"Suck my FUCKIN' Ü, partner." Woody said as he turned around and blew the door off some random guy's room to the sound of loud screaming from inside.
Woody pulled a really gross soggy noodle out of a fucking drawer, said "this is some shitty pasta, partner" and leapt out the damn window of what was apparently a La Quinta hotel, which cut to footage of a real-life Woody sculpture made of glass being thrown out of a window and shattering.
"Well, La Quinta really shit the fuckin' Ü", Woody said as he walked away.
Woody then tried to get a drink out of one of those soda freestyle machines, but blood, shit, puke and piss came flying out instead, splattering fucking everything.
"Well, Ü know what they say, partner. If you want some, Ü some." Woody said, whatever the FUCK that meant.
I assumed maybe Bob Iger had some problem with this particular chain of hotels. Maybe they put crack needles in HIS breakfast.
Pixar really had some fucking nerve making this shit. Someone should just burn the fucking studio down if THIS was the shit they were doing in there.
We then see Buzz shopping on Juul.com before Slinky Dog BURST through the fucking floorboards, sending splinters everywhere.
"ARE YOU FUCKIN' SERIOUS, MAN?" Slinky SHRIEKED at Buzz.
Slinky then tried to refer Buzz to fucking State Farm like 7 thousand times, but Buzz pulled out a fuckin' NORINCO FHJ-84 62mm Shoulder-Fired Individual Anti-Chemical Rocket Launcher and a Dynamit Noble Man-Portable Anti-Tank, Anti-Door 90mm Rocket Launcher and blew Slinky out the window with the force of the entire fucking Chinese military.
Some fuckin' hip hop beat played.
How the fuck do toys even use heavy weaponry?
We then see Mr. Potato Head hacking into a Ben and Jerry's presentation and loudly announcing that Blunt Smoke flavored ice cream was coming out. He then started screaming like a fucking banshee until his mic cut out and a fucking SWAT team BURST down the door, threw bottles of gas with a fucking skull and crossbones on them everywhere, and arrested Mr. Potato Head.
The Government then puts Mr. Potato Head on the fucking No-Fly list for life.
What was the fucking rationale for making these fucking movies? Was someone actually proud of this shit?
Mr Potato Head then whips out a fucking AirTronic GS-777, breaks out of FBI custody, gets in a fucking armored truck, drives off, and begins to repeatedly sing "Roses are red, love is fake, humanity was a fucking mistake" in the toy aisle of some fucking grocery store before someone calls security.
My computer then started loading some fucking file called SUPERMAN SNEEZES.AVI, which was literally just a live-action video of Superman in someone's kitchen fucking sneezing and destroying the walls, the cabinets, the silverware, the sink, the toilet, the dishwasher, the TV, the chairs, the fridge, the trash, grandpa's bottle of pills, the oven, the microwave, the plates, the clock, and the floor, causing the entire kitchen to sink into the fucking basement, destroying the XBOX 360, The PlayStation 3, the PlayStation 4, The Nintendo Wii, the Nintendo Wii U, the Nintendo DS, the Nintendo 2DS, the Nintendo 3DS, the Nintendo Switch, the Nintendo Switch Lite, the Nintendo GameCube, the Nintendo 64, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, and the Nintendo Labo. The sneeze also destroys the neighborhood, the township, and an entire fucking city.
The video was incredibly graphic and someone kept screaming like 900 times.
Suddenly, the Toy Story scenes resumed, until ANOTHER video called SPIDERMAN FALLS.AVI started fuckin' loading, which was literally just Spider-Man falling off the Golden Gate Bridge to some loud Linkin Park song.
We then finally see Woody again. He was building some massive structure in what looked to be a warehouse. He kept laughing and jerking weirdly, like he wasn't all in there, if you know what I'm saying.
We see some weird fucking flashback of him and Buzz in some store yelling swear words and confusing customers, which started a huge fucking brawl in the middle of the store.
We then see what looked like Buzz shooting out of a toilet like a fucking torpedo to "Turn Down for What" by DJ Snake and Lil Jon before the flashback ended and Woody went back to working on whatever he was building.
"You know, partner, Ü is the new Ö." Woody said.
The fuck did that mean? Was there some kind of fucking "Toy Story Ö" I hadn't seen before?
Woody then looked directly into the screen.
"Well, partner. I guess shit really hit the Ü." he said, before whatever ENORMOUS fucking structure Woody was making fuckin' ERUPTED and sent Woody flying into like 576 nearby office buildings.
We then see Barbie and Ken. They were sleeping in a toy sized bed together, when suddenly, Mr. Potato Head walked in with a fucking 360 degree cam recorder and started filming them sleeping, which was REALLY fuckin' creepy. He just kinda walked into their room like a fucking NPC in a video game and stood there with his fuckin' camera, leering over the bed.
What came next was even more shocking.
We see Andy coming home from college for the Summer and unpacking his stuff. He goes into his room, where all the toys used to be before he gave them away in Toy Story 3.
Suddenly, Andy hears a noise outside and looks out the window to see Mr. Fucking Potato Head BARRELLING toward his house in a fucking 18-wheeler Pepsi truck, honking the horn obsessively.
"HEY HEY HEY MOTHA FUCKAAAAAA!" Mr. Potato Head screamed as the truck came SMASHING through Andy's house, fucking ANNIHILATING everything and collapsing the entire upstairs.
Andy screamed. "What the FUCK? Mr. Potato Head? I gave your toy asses to Bonnie!"
"SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN RID OF ME, ASSHOLE!" Mr. Potato Head said as Pepsi started falling out of the truck and leaking everywhere.
"You can FUCKING TALK?" Andy yelled in horror as Mr. Potato Head whipped out a butcher's knife and the screen cut to black.
We then suddenly see a scene of a fucking dish soaring through the air and cutting Mr. Potato Head in half.
Was Mr. Potato Head actually gone? Fucking finally!
Then again, I wasn't sure if any of the Ü monstrosities could even BE killed, but this had a sense of finality to it.
But then Slinky Dog appeared and started fucking rapping about launching piss into space to the tune of some song from the musical Hamilton.
Woody then showed up out of nowhere and started advertising his new movie "What the fuckin' Ü, Part 2" before speaking in fucking text-to-speech computerized Spanish and OBSESSIVELY asking "¿Donde Hablar?" before fuckin' EXPLODING into fireworks.
What WHERE these movies? Fuckin' government torture devices?
Woody then appeared AGAIN in front of a fucking letter U exploding into pieces of mulch.
"Well, you know what they say, partner. Defund the fuckin' Ü." Woody said as he took off his hat and threw it.
Fuckin' egotistical-ass fuckin' Woody always fuckin' acting like he fuckin' knows everything, that fuckin' stupid fuckin' toy fucking cowboy fuckin' freak.
We then see some kid having their birthday party at some shitty chain restaurant, but suddenly, fuckin' Ken BURST through the cake, yelled "Yo, anyone order a stripper?", started taking his fucking toy clothes off, then proceeded to whip out a motherfuckin' boombox and played the LOUDEST fucking sound mankind has ever heard. It made the Krakatoa volcanic eruption of 1883 sound like a fucking lullaby.
This was just fuckin' degenerate. It was wrong.
Then Maui from Moana appeared because of course he fuckin' did and started attempting to scientifically explain why 1 equals 2 before I kickflipped my computer into the ceiling like a fucking Olympic athlete, irreparably destroying it. I had seen enough.
So that's it. I'm never talking about one of these movies again. I don't care if Pixar sends a fucking SWAT team to MY house for this. Enough is enough.
If you're listening to this, it means I got the word out and Pixar is most likely in a world of trouble right now. I'd say my job is done.
Remember,
Don't ever go looking for these movies.
Just....don't.
Credited to Chimichangar
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