Toy Story: The Fifth One
Author's note: This is a remastered and condensed version of the Toy Story Ü series. It is intended to be read aloud.
Listen. Toy Story is an incredible franchise. I just saw Toy Story 4 on one of those crappy streaming websites, and I'm typing this from the toilet as I literally shit myself.
But my shit would take a dark and horrific turn as I would discover another Toy Story movie that....shouldn't exist.
It was called Toy Story Ü.
I guess you were supposed to pronounce it like "Toy Story You", but the letter U had those weird fuckin' dots over it, so I'm not sure if that was supposed to be a creepy-ass grin or a letter u. I clicked on the film anyway, wondering what Pixar would blow me away with next.
I almost jumped into the fucking air in shock when the film opened on some HORRENDOUS fucking screamo cover of "You got a Friend in Me" mixed in with fuckin' gunshots, heavy drums, and monks chanting, as the camera overlooked a very real inner city neighborhood, and showed some fat middle aged mom throwing boxes of toys into a dumpster.
Jesus Christ, what the hell? That wasn't something you're supposed to see in a Toy Story Movie.
Suddenly, a fucking Blue Buzz Lightyear came crawling out of the dumpster with a goddamn Glock and began pulling the trigger, before a LOUD raspy voice said "shhhhhhhhit!" and everything switched to animation.
I was seriously wondering what kind of fucking drugs whoever made this shit was on when Woody appeared. He was on a computer trying to uninstall the 200 viruses that Bonnie got from CoolMathGames.com.
Suddenly, Woody whipped out a pistol, said "Shoot for the Ü", and blew the fucking computer away, destroying half of Bonnie's fucking house in a massive explosion.
Wasn't Woody's catchphrase "reach for the stars" and not "shoot for the fuckin' U?"
The footage then cut to the opening of Disney's "Lion King" remake, right during the song 'Circle of Life'.
Suddenly, in the middle of the song, steamrollers come SMASHING through the jungle, tearing down trees, spraying shit into the air, and bowling over the lions to this BRUTAL fucking metal music.
The text "Welcome to America" appeared on-screen under a large American Flag.
The hell was this, a fucking Burger King commercial? What was it doing in a Toy Story Movie?
We see Buzz, the... regular one. After the events of Toy Story 4, he must have became one of Bonnie's favorite toys.
He suddenly screams while Bonnie is playing with him after seeing the Blue Buzz Lightyear from earlier outside his window.
Buzz started screaming curse words and flipping everything off, much to Bonnie's horror. He then shot a massive missle out of a slot in his ass and set the entire house on fire.
We then see Ducky and Bunny, the stuffed animals from Toy Story 4, who are trying to fucking carjack some guy who can't even get out of his car.
Ducky finally poured fucking gasoline all over the car and lit a match.
The man broke down his door, fell out, and ran away as Ducky and Bunny started fucking laughing.
I was beyond horrified. This was pure fucking evil. It ruined everything Toy Story was about!
We suddenly cut to a bunch of people in Toy Story suits dancing around a fucking fire to this intense ritualistic chanting music.
The guy in the Buzz suit suddenly injected heroin into his ass and leapt into the fire as the music intensified into opera.
I screamed. What the actual fuck? Did he just fucking kill himself? And what was the obsession with Buzz's ass? First a missle out of his ass, then heroin into his fucking ass.
But even that couldn't prepare me for what came next.
We see some teenage girl getting changed and taking her clothes off, but suddenly, fucking horror movie music started playing as the GOD DAMN Mr. Potato Head on her shelf started trying to fucking jack himself off, fucking moaning and yelling "Oh, SHIT. OH, YEAH" in the voice of a VERY loud, deep-voiced African-American man that was definitely NOT Don Rickles.
The girl SCREAMED and threw him out the fucking window.
This was immediately followed by footage of Mrs. Potato Head walking into a fucking law office and filing for divorce.
That was the last fucking straw. I tried to turn my computer off.
But it didn't shut down.
I was greeted to Woody slapping Bo's plastic ass loudly to some loud fucking rap and rearing his head back and whooping before looking up at the screen and saying "oh, fuck."
This was randomly interrupted by a very real looking depiction of the house from "Up" crashing in midair on a cliff and everything falling out of the fucking side.
The next scene was horrifying.
We see a MASSIVE fucking southern family in a HUGE rusty van.
They were the fattest human beings I had ever seen. It was like the fucking Gorgs from that old show "Fraggle Rock".
The Dad yelled "WHO WANTS TO GO TO DISNEY WORLD?" and the kids all cheered.
They began to drive to "Disney World", but they pulled up to a fucking dilapidated old house and the van broke down.
The windows caved in and the fat fucks started screaming.
Ducky and Bunny appeared and started pouring fucking gas everywhere again, setting EVERYTHING on fire.
We then see a flashback scene.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head's wedding. This must've been before Mr. Potato Head turned into the fucking potato version of Bill Cosby.
We see the two taters reading their vows.
Mrs. Potato Head went first, delivering a beautiful vow as string music played.
Then the audio quality went to absolute SHIT and the video turned to fucking Chinese cam leak quality as Mr. Potato Head tore his vows in half and began instead to sing "I Will Always Be With You" from fucking All Dogs go to Heaven 2. It was shaky and extremely echoey and distant, like he was taking a shit in a fucking gravitron. It sounded like ass.
It also sounded like my Uncle Paul having a fucking aneurysm.
He SCREAMED "I'll be by your SID-" before a fucking FOUNTAIN of PCP exploded out of his mouth all over the altar.
My Chemical Romance suddenly burst through the doors and began playing a horrible hard rock cover of the Bridal Chorus.
"I got us MCR, honey!" yelled Mr. Potato Head as Mrs. Potato Head burst into tears.
"I FUCKING HATE THAT BAND, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" she SCREAMED at an ear-rapingly high volume as the video quality turned so fucking bad it looked like someone drawing shapes in infared cement.
This did not deter Mr. Potato Head.
"Time for the wedding gifts!" He SCREAMED in a tone that could only be described as evil.
He started unwrapping a fucking back scratcher and moaning before Mrs. Potato Head opened a fucking BOMB and screamed.
Mr. Potato Head then whipped out a ring and began to propose.
"IT'S OUR FUCKING WEDDING, YOU HANKFUCK!"
I have no idea what a "hankfuck" is, but apparently, Mrs. Potato Head does.
Mr. Potato Head started unwrapping a book called "How to Please Your Husband" and laughing before waking up in the fucking psych ward strapped to a table.
The movie suddenly cut to cable interference and what looked to be an unfinished "Baby Einstein" Video appeared. Y'know, those old developmental videos for little kids with all the puppets.
Several of the famous puppets came dancing out to a cute little instrumental of some classical song with objects in their mouths.
The sheep came out with an apple,
The duck came out with a book,
The lion came out with a knife-
Before I had time to react, the fucking duck came out with a noose and hung it, before laughing at the screen in a man's voice.
The blue goat puppet then came out with a fucking gun in its mouth and shot it into the air right as the footage switched back and the very beginning of a scream was heard.
This shit didn't have shit's worth of shit to do with Toy Story. Why the fuck was it in here?
Slinky Dog appeared.
He started screaming about some fucking divorce. I have no idea who Shelley and Mike are, and I don't give a shit.
He then stuck his head under a Johns-2-Go and said "Having a good shit, SHITTER?"
The man inside screamed.
"Come on, go to the bathroom, SHITTER."
What a fucking asshole.
We then see Buzz and Woody time travelling to a fucking Bush Jr. Speech and screaming unintelligible SHIT into the mic as Bush started hyperventilating and rolling up a fucking joint on live television to calm down.
Woody started going on a tangent about how the United States was declaring war against fucking Greenland and Iceland and how the government did 9/11 before announcing 6 fucking "nucular strikes" before Bush finally lit Woody on fire with his joint.
I was horrified. Why were the Toy Story characters trying to destroy history?
The footage then cut to- oh God damn it- Mr. Potato Head planting a fucking bomb in the Wright Brothers' plane and delaying the invention of the modern airplane by 20 years.
By this point I was starting to seriously doubt that Pixar was even behind this. It seemed like some fucking smear tactic by a rival studio to make the Toy Story Movies look bad.
The scene then changed to Rex the Dinosaur smacking a table with his fucking green rubber nuts, and I threw my fuckin' PC at the wall.
When I picked my PC back up again I saw Slinky Dog burst into a fucking colonoscopy and yell "STRETCH THAT ASS, MOTHA FUCKA!" before my computer just fucking shut down.
I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was in shock.
The doctors tell me I passed out on the street and woke up in a hospital afterwards.
Whatever happened, I'm alright now.
But I don't think I'll ever see Toy Story the same way again.
Credited to Chimichangar
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