Toy Story: The Seventh One
Alright, alright, I know what I said last time.
I said I wasn't gonna go looking for some kind of Toy Story Ü 3.
I'm gonna assume by now you know what I'm talking about. There's some fucked-up series of unofficial Toy Story Movies circulating around those shady free movie sites that usually get shut down after a while.
Look, I'll admit it, I went looking for Toy Story 4 on one of the sites in question back when it came out a while ago, and for some reason, there was some other movie called Toy Story Ü. A week or so later, there's suddenly a fucking sequel, and.....you know where this is going.
When I first found the movies, I thought maybe they were some fucked-up prank from Pixar to discourage watching movies illegally, but after some digging, it turns out they were actually made by some pissed-off employees that probably weren't being paid enough to care what happened.
I'm not the only person on the internet who's ever seen a Toy Story Ü movie, but most streaming sites were pretty quick to have them taken down, so most people have no idea they've ever existed. Not that that's a bad thing.
At first I thought maybe Pixar pressured the streaming sites into taking the Ü films down, but if that were the case, they would've had all the Toy Story Movies pulled, right? Hell, Pixar would've pulled their entire catalogue.
And that's when I realized: Was Pixar even aware of this happening? Did they have any idea what was being done to their beloved characters?
I've spent the last couple of weeks trying to get in touch with some kind of company representative to let them know, but it's been radio silence on their end so far.
So, it seems like the only person who gives a shit about this is me, and that, my friend, is why I went back to the site, one more time.
And I found it.
I found Toy Story Ü 3.
I kept trying to remind myself that there weren't actually seven official movies, only four, and that the Ü films were someone's sick prank, but, it WAS still Toy Story, after all, and that made it just as fuckin' disturbing as ever.
The full title of the film this time around was
Toy Story Ü 3: Goodnight Ü.
What the FUCK did that mean? Goodnight Ü? That kinda reminded me of that old kid's book, Goodnight Moon. Did this mean that it was the last Toy Story Ü film? I really fuckin' hope so.
The cover image was a picture of Woody at a mahogany table eating fuckin' french fries with a knife and fork. That was it.
How do toys even eat, anyway?
Ah, whatever, I played the damn film.
The movie opened on Buzz and Woody, playing and laughing together as "You Got a Friend in Me" played in the background, which was actually really cute, until Woody whipped out a fucking brass cello and SMASHED Buzz over the head with it, causing Buzz to vomit some fucking Indian Beef recipe all over the fucking floor as the music abruptly stopped and Woody's eyes suddenly slanted like 60 fuckin' degrees south.
This immediately switched to Woody digging a fucking grave at like 2 in the morning and dumping Buzz Lightyear's limp fuckin' toy corpse into it.
"Well, Goodnight to the fuckin' Ü." Woody said as he dumped a shitload of disgusting green mulch all over the damn grave.
Well THAT escalated REALLY fuckin' quickly.
"I think Ü already know what's coming, partner." Woody said as he twisted his head around like a fucking owl and stared directly at the viewer.
What the fuck? Was Woody threatening to fuckin' kill me? Why was this so fuckin' similar to the opening of Toy Story Ü 2? I still had no clue what the Ü was. As far as I'm concerned it, was just some stupid fuckin' European version of the letter U with dots over it.
This was interrupted by some DISGUSTING gas station commercial where people started drinking fuckin' gas milkshakes and the Sunoco logo appeared.
That was honestly really disturbing. I was kind of getting used to the Toy Story Ü movies having weird-ass sudden cuts to random shit, but that one deeply horrified me for some reason.
We then cut to Lots-o Huggin' Bear planning to detonate a fucking bomb in a Menards Home Improvement Store.
What the actual fuck? Why did Lotso want to do that? Why was Lotso even back after Toy Story 3? Why was fucking Menards in a Toy Story movie?
Lotso then stared into the screen, started twerking his pink felt ass all over the fucking bomb, and accidentally set it off, causing a massive fucking graphic explosion.
Why did shit always blow up in these movies? Who was REALLY behind this, Michael Bay?
We then see Barbie and Ken, yes, THE Barbie and Ken that appeared in Toy Story movies for whatever reason.
They were having a fight and screaming at one another, but they were yelling so FUCKING LOUD I couldn't make out a single word.
Ken WHIRLED towards the screen and fuckin' SHRIEKED at the volume of a fucking Boeing 747 before Barbie pulled out a gun and shot him like 576 million times while singing
"I've got a Barbie gun
Yo' ass is fuckin' dooooone
It's fantastic
blasting fuckin' plastic"
To the tune of the "Barbie Girl" song from all those commercials.
I guess THAT was what being a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World was REALLY like.
We then see Buzz Lightyear again.
The fuck? Could these damn movies at least decide if he was fucking dead or not?
Buzz then went on a fucking rant about how megachurches are evil and damaging religion, specifically referring to pastor Joel Osteen as quote "literally fucking Satan" and telling the viewer to burn all their fucking money.
That was REALLY fuckin' weird. Did toys even HAVE religion? I guess Buzz did.
This abruptly cut to footage of some guy dressed as Darth Vader falling off a fucking escalator and screaming along with some shitty heavy metal music.
I wasn't sure if these random cut-ins were supposed to mean something, or if whoever made this movie just had a really bad attention disorder.
This scene then changed to Mr. Potato Head- oh for FUCK's sake-
Mr. Potato Head driving a fucking 18 wheeler through a public park and barreling over trees, pedestrians, and the fucking playground.
"OH SHIT, OH YEAH!" Mr. Potato Head yelled in an loud, deep gang member's voice, which was apparently his fucking catchphrase considering he did this every damn time.
Suddenly, Mr. Potato Head's truck fucking broke down as he fell out of the window and the fucking cops appeared, pulled him into a squad car, and arrested him.
We see Mr. Potato Head in court.
Mr. Potato Head fuckin' SCREAMED as the judge began to charge him for drunk driving, premeditated homicide, possession of firearms, possession of drugs, racketeering, kidnapping, assault and battery, arson, burglary, grand theft auto, fraud, blackmail, embezzlement, money laundering, tax evasion, cyber crime, vehicular assault, drug trafficking, domestic violence, extortion, identity theft, wire fraud, vandalism, and insurance fraud.
Woody then BURST into the courtroom and asked quote "what the spinning fresh FUCK" was going on.
Then the fucking Green Toy Army Men came SMASHING into the courtroom with fuckin' MASSIVE tanks and blew the judge's fucking head clean off as it went flying across the room like a fucking football.
This was so fucking shocking I almost passed out. How the fuck was this even legal? What was the budget for this?
Then Barbie and Ken appeared AGAIN, but this time Ken started VIGOROUSLY backflipping like 9 feet into the fucking air and yelling
"Fuck the brand, fuck the game, fuck the money, fuck the name"
Over and over again. It almost sounded like he was rapping.
He then began to yell
"Fuck the couch, fuck the Lays, fuck the court, fuck the fame"
Before he backflipped into a fucking lava lamp and caused a MASSIVE fucking explosion.
Well, that was something.
This abruptly changed to a shot of a dark fucking alleyway accompanied by disturbing horror movie music as we see Slinky Dog selling drugs to the fucking Blue Goat Puppet from Baby Einstein.
Why was the fuckin' Baby Einstein Goat Puppet in EVERY single one of these damn Ü movies? I figured there was probably some hidden meaning here, but it was still really fuckin' weird.
Anyway, the Goat Puppet started inhaling cocaine like a fucking vacuum as he turned a bright shade of red and began to recite the entire fuckin' Communist Manifesto.
That's right, I sat there for what I'm pretty sure was like 5 fuckin' hours as I watched a damn goat puppet read the Communist Manifesto.
When this scene FINALLY ended, I was greeted to Woody lying in a fucking bowl of pasta.
"I like Ü in my pasta, partner" Woody said, which was really fucking off-putting.
But then Woody stood up angrily and said
"You know what, partner? Fuck Ü."
Woody BLASTED the screen with a fucking rocket launcher, which ominiously cut to a black screen.
That was more irritating than anything else, honestly. What the fuck was wrong with Woody these days? Another star ruined by drugs and alcohol, perhaps?
I kept trying to remind myself this was someone's crappy idea of a parody, but what if it wasn't? What if this WAS actually made by Pixar and they were just covering it up?
This then cut to Woody's Horse, Bullseye, raiding a fucking fridge looking for eggs and lip-syncing some AWFUL Tekashi 69 song before exploding into tiny bits of stuffing.
Suddenly, what looked like a phone text message reading "What the fuck, Terry?" came up over the screen as some teenage kid started nervously fuckin' screaming because I assume his girlfriend was about to break up with him or some shit. I guess he was Terry. Was Terry involved in creating this fucking shit-ass fuckdumpster of a film?
Then some fucking fake FBI logo appeared as his phone began to shut off and the video suddenly stopped.
Everything just stopped playing. I tried refreshing my internet connection, but it wouldn't resume.
I finally decided to just reload the page.
The Ü movies were gone.
The website must've taken it down as I was watching it. I guess maybe Pixar finally dealt with whoever was behind this once and for all.
And with that, it seems like our story is at an end. The Ü movies are gone.
But still, let me give you a word of warning- just in case.
Please, just don't go on one of those streaming sites, because you never know what you'll find.
Credited to Chimichangar
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