Toy Story Ü
Listen. Toy Story is an incredible franchise. I just saw Toy Story 4 on 123movies.com, and I'm typing this from the toilet as I shit myself. During this vast and inclement shit, I decided I would watch Toy Story 3 as well.
But my shit would take a dark and horrific turn as I would discover another Toy Story movie that....shouldn't exist.
It was called Toy Story Ü.
I'm not sure if that was supposed to be a creepy-ass grin or a letter u, but I clicked on the film anyway, wondering what Pixar would blow my ass away with next.
After navigating the usual 9,865 ads, I finally was treated to the opening of Toy Story Ü. We see the Disney Castle opening per usual, but this weird red tint kept growing as REALLY fucking dramatic opera music played.
We hear some HORRENDOUS fucking screamo cover of "You got a Friend in Me" mixed in with gunshots, heavy drums, and monastic chanting, as the camera overlooked a very real inner city neighborhood, and showed some ugly fuck Karen throwing boxes of toys into a dumpster.
A blue Buzz Lightyear emerged from the dumpster with a gun to some horrifying opera.
"Muhuhahahahaha." Blue Buzz said as he began to slowly pull the trigger.
A LOUD raspy voice said "shhhhhit!" before everything suddenly switched to animation.
We then see Woody. He's on a computer trying to uninstall the 79,546 viruses that Bonnie got from CoolMathGames.com.
Suddenly, Woody whipped out a pistol, said "Shoot for the Ü", and blew the fucking computer away, destroying half of Bonnie's fucking house in a massive explosion.
Woody then wakes up in a forest and realizes the whole thing never happened.
Woody looks over next to him and there's Bo Peep. Suddenly, "Careless Whisper" began to play as Woody said "Oh, yeah." in a really uncomfortably sexual tone.
We see Buzz. After the events of Toy Story 4, he became one of Bonnie's favorite toys.
He suddenly screams while Bonnie is playing with him after seeing the Blue Buzz Lightyear outside his window.
Buzz starts screaming expletives and flipping everything off, much to Bonnie's horror. He then shoots a massive missle out of his ass and says "Shoot for the Ü", destroying all known life in Antarctica.
Blue Buzz Lightyear is seen crawling out of the wreckage with a white flag.
"I surrender! I am French, I surrender!" he screams in a highly French accent.
That is when Duke Kaboom appears, says "Richaun", and explodes, sending a realistic fucking Keanu Reeves head flying into Blue Buzz.
The John Wick logo faintly appears.
We see Ducky and Bunny, who are trying to carjack some lazy fuck who can't even be assed to get out of his car. Ducky finally pours fucking gasoline all over the car and lights a match.
The man breaks down his door, falls out, and runs away as Ducky and Bunny begin to laugh in Egyptian.
We then see Ducky and Bunny "Plush Rush" an entire gas station.
Blood splatters across the windows and screams are heard as the camera fades to black.
"The End" appears in red, dripping Chiller.
We then cut to Bonnie's Dad throwing minimates all over the fucking floor and the other toys interacting with them, before some LOUD, SMELLY FUCK comes barging into the room and shoving the minimates up his ass and yelling.
The man bursts minimates out of his ass all over the room and faints.
Richaun.
The footage then cut to the opening of Disney's "Lion King" remake, right during 'Circle of Life'.
Suddenly, in the middle of the song, steamrollers come SMASHING through the jungle, tearing down trees, spraying shit into the air, and bowling over the lions to this BRUTAL fucking metal music.
The text "Welcome to America" appeared on-screen under a large American Flag.
Suddenly, we see Mr. Incredible imitating a VSCO girl and yelling at Violet about becoming one.
That's when a HORRIFICALLY muscular and large fucking Winnie the Pooh BURSTS into the room and starts trying to tackle Mr. Incredible to the ground whilst saying "sksksksksk" and "shhhh."
Mr. Incredible suddenly pulls out a gun labeled "Furry Convention" and shoots Winnie point blank, spraying blood all over the room.
I was seriously beginning to wonder what fucking drugs I was on when suddenly horribly recorded footage of a bunch of construction guys falling down a flight of stairs played.
One of the guys drops a Blue Buzz Lightyear toy.
Blue Buzz begins to laugh and says "Shoot for the Ü" as he winds up a laser canon on his finger, before being plush rushed by Ducky and Bunny.
"The End" once again appears in Red, dripping Chiller.
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Credited to Chimichangar
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