Toy Story Ü 3: Mash't Potato
Listen. Toy Story is the shit.
The shit I sprayed in horror all over my walls, my carpet, my keys, my clothes, my $800 laptop, and my dog after discovering that no, it wasn't some heroin-addled nightmare, there really is a fucking "Toy Story Ü" Trilogy.
I had to know. I had to see how deep this rabbit hole went. I could have sworn when I found the first Toy Story Ü that it was the only one, but yet, here we are.
The previous film had sported a bizarre title that sounded like a shitty fake Harry Potter book, but the 3rd's cover image was simply a somewhat crudely made logo reading "Ü Got a Friend in Me" poorly overlayed over a picture of Woody and Buzz.
This movie opened on a flashback scene.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head's wedding.
We see the two taters reading their vows.
Mrs. Potato Head went first, delivering a beautiful vow as string music played.
Then the audio quality went to absolute SHIT and the video turned to fucking Chinese cam leak quality as Mr. Potato Head tore his vows in half and began instead to sing "I Will Always Be With You" from fucking All Dogs go to Heaven 2. It was shaky and extremely echoey and distant, like he was taking a shit in a fucking gravitron. It sounded like ass.
It also sounded like my Uncle Paul having a fucking aneurysm.
He SCREAMED "I'll be by your SID-" before a fucking FOUNTAIN of PCP exploded out of his mouth all over the altar.
My Chemical Romance suddenly burst through the doors and began playing a horrible hard rock cover of the Bridal Chorus.
"I got us MCR, honey!" yelled Mr. Potato Head as Mrs. Potato Head burst into tears.
"I FUCKING HATE THAT BAND, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" she SCREAMED at an ear-rapingly high volume as the video quality turned so fucking bad it looked like someone drawing shapes in infared cement.
This did not deter Mr. Potato Head.
"Time for the wedding gifts!" He SCREAMED in a tone that could only be described as evil.
He started unwrapping a fucking back scratcher and moaning before Mrs. Potato Head opened a fucking BOMB and screamed.
Mr. Potato Head then whipped out a ring and began to propose.
"IT'S OUR FUCKING WEDDING, YOU HANKFUCK!"
I have no idea what a "hankfuck" is, but apparently, Mrs. Potato Head does.
Mr. Potato Head started unwrapping a book called "How to Please Your Husband" and laughing before waking up in the fucking psych ward strapped to a table.
"Oh SHIT.....oh...FUCK!" Mr. Potato Head SCREAMED as he realized where he was.
The screen cut to black as a "3" appeared.
We suddenly cut to a bunch of kids in a Toys R Us.
Then the fucking beat dropped and the U.S. Army BURST in and started throwing smoke bombs to the most BRUTAL fucking dubstep remix of a Disney song imaginable.
A few of the soldiers even started fucking dancing.
I'm pretty sure it switched to some fucking screamo "La Cucaracha" when the roof fell off.
One of the children drops Woody from his hand.
A voice that was NOT Tom Hanks began to narrate for Woody as he said "You're probably wondering how the fuckin' fachu I ended up here".
I was not, in fact, all that curious about how the "fucking fa choo" he got there, but he began to explain anyway.
"So after becoming a "lost toy", I decided that being a toy, period, would never be enough. Period." Woody began.
We see Woody on a construction site with a fucking glock.
"Shoot......" he whispers...
"For the Ü."
Woody started fucking clipping down everyone in sight before being thrown into a detention center.
So being a fucking mass murderer was Woody's destiny now?
Way to fuck up everything.
Was this a prequel to the other Ü films? A sequel? Did these horrible fucking films mean anything at all?
The next scene was horrifying.
We see a MASSIVE fucking southern family in a HUGE rusty van.
They were the smelliest human beings I had ever seen. Smellier than the fucking Gorgs from that old show "Fraggle Rock".
The Dad yelled "WHO WANTS TO GO TO DISNEY WORLD?" and the kids all cheered.
They began to drive to "Disney World", but they pulled up to a fucking dilapidated old house and the van broke down.
The windows caved in and the ugly fucks started screaming.
Shock filled me as I realized this wasn't a house at all, it was that fucking shack from the 2nd one.
Shack Sinestro.
Oh shit.
Oh no.
The movie suddenly cut to cable interference and what looked to be an unfinished "Baby Einstein" Video appeared.
Several of the famous puppets came dancing out to a cute little instrumental of "La Donna E Mobile" with objects in their mouths.
The sheep came out with an apple,
The duck came out with a book,
The lion came out with a knife-
Before I had time to react, the fucking duck came out with a noose and hung it, before laughing at the screen in a man's voice.
The blue goat puppet then came out with a fucking gun in its mouth and shot it into the air right as the footage switched back and the very beginning of a scream was heard.
We see the Blue Buzz Lightyear from the very first Ü film. He's inside the shack with Red Buzz, Mr. Potato Head, and Ducky.
Ducky's eyes suddenly started fucking glowing and he teleported into a college shower and SCREAMED.
Some random girl screamed as well.
We see Mr. Potato Head spinning in an oven saying "gigolo gigolo gigolo gigolo" over and over again.
We then see what appeared to be a car commercial, but it was Woody in a some fucking beater tearing ass down the fucking Grand Canyon to Insane Clown Posse.
The text "this mf vibin" appeared in what was probably the Chevy Ad font.
The massive fucking Gorg people barge into the shack.
They eat Mr. Potato Head.
We see Buzz Lightyear trying to set himself on fire after learning that Andy couldn't hold his pee for that damn Wii.
Woody appears and begins to chastise him about the negative effects of Juul.
We cut to Red Buzz and Blue Buzz trying to kill the Gorg people. The other toys from Shack Sinestro join in.
Bunny appears, spills a fucking box of stale years-old Count Chocula cereal, and kills the assholes with food poisoning.
A fucking piece of General Tso's chicken burst out of the Dad's ass.
"DUCKY, IS THAT YOU? OH FUC-"
Ducky then BURST through the Shack in a fucking crane swinging a spiked ball chain out of the window and dumping dead ducks out of the back.
We then cut to a scene from Lady and the Tramp before fucking ear rape Sousa plays and the spaghetti turns into fucking deep fried burgers and 18-wheelers start crashing everywhere.
The text "Welcome to America" appeared underneath a large American flag.
What the fuck was with this?
A bunch of ghost Mr. Potato Heads appeared and started lip syncing a fucking "Smoke Weed" remix of the Song of Storms from Zelda.
I was really losing the fucking plot at this point.
We see Rex the Dinosaur working in the fucking F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Coffee Shop, Central Perk.
Ross comes in and asks him if he can buy a muffin.
Rex says "No, but you can have..."
Rex suddenly screamed as he threw a severed human foot over the counter. "FEET!"
Ross's face turned into the fucking Windows Menu and shut down.
We see Chandler, but his face was a fucking flesh colored Pirhana Plant with Chandler hair.
He screamed and the screen turned red.
We see a guy in a Shrek suit in a fucking LIDL.
He slips and fucking annihilates the entire store.
First he fell into the bread, then the milk, then the beer, then an employee tried to help pull him up and they both fell into the cheese, then some dumb fucking Karen tripped and almost killed her kid.
Slinky Dog appeared.
He started screaming about some fucking divorce. I have no idea who Shelley and Mike are, and I don't give a shit.
He then stuck his head under a Johns-2-Go and said "Having a good shit, SHITTER?"
The man inside screamed.
"Come on, go to the bathroom, SHITTER."
Shitter.
We see what appeared to be King K. Rool from Donkey Kong slapping his own ass until it turned red and burst blood everywhere.
Ok....?
The Joker appeared.
He was wearing a chef's hat and in what was probably Bonnie's House.
"Alright, mothafucka!" he began as he puffed his hat and heated his pot.
He started cracking pasta noodles and unnecessary amount of times and throwing them in the pot.
Suddenly, he grabbed a bag of DEAD FUCKING RATS and started dumping them everywhere to some weird cover of "Death of a Bachelor" before twisting a MASSIVE 5 foot pepper shaker to the rhythm of the song.
Joker then pissed in chocolate milk and poured it in while reading off some nonsense about Tom Hanks.
He then started throwing in cow intestines and shit.
The Warner Bros. Logo slowly appeared.
It all made sense now.
Warner Brothers.
They created Ü.
Credited to Chimichangar
| Comments • 0 |
Loading comments...
|
